Very stressed about name change and marriage...please help!

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EMRocksmyworld

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Hey everyone!
So I am getting married about a month before graduating from med school, and this one issue is literally causing me 75% of my wedding worries. I have asked all of my friends and family members, spent hours searching online, and still can't decide what to do. I would appreciate any feedback at all- especially from your personal experience. I read through the "Ladies, will you change your last name after marriage?" thread but am hoping to get some advice more specific to my situation.

I can't decide whether or not to take my fiance's last name. I have a simple but unique monosyllabic surname that I like very much. I am also the last person in my family with the name- I am an only child and my father has only sisters. My fiance's last name is boring and common- it is one of the top 3 last names in the US. I really do like the idea of our entire family (including future kids) having the same last name but I just don't like his. To make it even more complicated, he is in my med school class and thus if we work at the same hospital at any point, we could both be Dr. X (along with about a million other people since it's such a common last name.) He wants me to do whatever makes me happy, although he won't take my last time (I tried to convince him- haha!)
Here are the ideas I have thought about, and the problems with all of them:

1) Keep my last name, name future children with his last name (pro: I love my name. Con: wouldn't be the "X" family, children would have a different last name than me.)

2) Keep my last name, name future children with his last name and with my surname as a middle name (Pros: we only want 2 kids, and my surnameis actually a popular unisex first name, so it would work. Con: they would have my surname in their name, but it still wouldnt be their surname).

3) Give children my last name (Cons: No one would think they were his children)- not going to do this one.

4) Hyphenate my name, hyphenate children's last name: 3 syllables total (Cons: don't particularly care for hyphenated names, don't want to do that to my future children)

5) Hyphenate my name, give children his last name: (Pros: I could keep my name and also incorporate his and have it in common with kids. Cons: I hear that hyphenated names ALWAYS get messed up)

Please help!!! I can't decide what to do and I'm really frustrated since there's no ideal option. Thank you!

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Wow! A lot of options. You could give the boys his name, and the girls yours.

If you keep yours, and you sound like you are inclined to do so, then you do. Honestly, if the kids have your name, your belief that people will not think they are John "Smith/Jones/Anderson" 's kids is unfounded.

I know women that were born Ms. "X", and became "Dr. X", but, married, are known as "Mrs. Y" when not in hospital. I can email some friends and see how they work it.
 
It's pretty common for women to keep their birth surname (X) for professsional purposes, and give the children the husband's surname (Y) or a combination (X-Y). Women tend to marry later, and to be more established in their careers, than was usual even a couple of decades ago, so the change of surname is much more of a loss of professional reputation and personal identity than it used to be when women went from daddy's home to husband's. Keeping a birth surname for professional purposes also saves effort when the divorce comes along. (I've learnt to enquire, when a colleague tells me about a name change, whether it is on marriage or divorce. Either way usually turns out to be a cause for congratulations.)

The idea that children have to have their father's name to show that he's the daddy is probably obsolete in these days of the non-traditional family, with step-siblings and half-siblings etc. Anyone who assumes anything about family relationships based purely on names is probably misunderstanding a lot about the world, and is also lacking in good manners.

Different cultures have different solutions, too. Mother's maiden name as final first name for the children is a very common English one, but in certain circumstances even in England the man took the wife's name (if that's where the family fortune came from), or hyphenated it or added it to the surname (hence the Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax family - check out "doubled barrelled name" on Wikipedia). In Spain everyone has two surnames with the mother's name coming last (it was traditionally bad form to call someone by their final name alone, as that did in the past imply their mother was unmarried). In Belgium each family is "the X Y family" and you'll see that alongside apartment numbers, although the father's and children's surnames are just "Y". So you can pick any convenient tradition from any culture, or just make your own.

You will also find as they grow up that children develop minds of their own, and if they want to chose their names they will (eg to use a unique family name as an identifier - think Catherine Zeta Jones).

Have you talked to your fiance about this? If not, why are you marrying him?
 
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Hey everyone!
So I am getting married about a month before graduating from med school, and this one issue is literally causing me 75% of my wedding worries. I have asked all of my friends and family members, spent hours searching online, and still can't decide what to do. I would appreciate any feedback at all- especially from your personal experience. I read through the "Ladies, will you change your last name after marriage?" thread but am hoping to get some advice more specific to my situation.

I can't decide whether or not to take my fiance's last name. I have a simple but unique monosyllabic surname that I like very much. I am also the last person in my family with the name- I am an only child and my father has only sisters. My fiance's last name is boring and common- it is one of the top 3 last names in the US. I really do like the idea of our entire family (including future kids) having the same last name but I just don't like his. To make it even more complicated, he is in my med school class and thus if we work at the same hospital at any point, we could both be Dr. X (along with about a million other people since it's such a common last name.) He wants me to do whatever makes me happy, although he won't take my last time (I tried to convince him- haha!)
Here are the ideas I have thought about, and the problems with all of them:

1) Keep my last name, name future children with his last name (pro: I love my name. Con: wouldn't be the "X" family, children would have a different last name than me.)

2) Keep my last name, name future children with his last name and with my surname as a middle name (Pros: we only want 2 kids, and my surnameis actually a popular unisex first name, so it would work. Con: they would have my surname in their name, but it still wouldnt be their surname).

3) Give children my last name (Cons: No one would think they were his children)- not going to do this one.

4) Hyphenate my name, hyphenate children's last name: 3 syllables total (Cons: don't particularly care for hyphenated names, don't want to do that to my future children)

5) Hyphenate my name, give children his last name: (Pros: I could keep my name and also incorporate his and have it in common with kids. Cons: I hear that hyphenated names ALWAYS get messed up)

Please help!!! I can't decide what to do and I'm really frustrated since there's no ideal option. Thank you!

My sister went through the same thing- switching from a rare name she loved to a common name she didn't. She thought, and I think, the best thing to do is to just take his name. You are forming a new family and you should get on board and be a part of it. I know it feels weird to switch names, at least my wife still seems to think so after 2 years, but it's better to start getting used to being Mrs. (Dr.) Your-kids-last-name. When you get married is as good a time as any to make the switch.

If you never want to have kids, I think it doesn't matter as much whether you change names or not, but then it also doesn't matter if you get married or not.
 
Thank you so much for the replies. I really appreciate it. We do want to have kids (not any time soon, but after residency), so that is definitely a consideration. I have talked to my fiance extensively about this, and he honestly has no preference about what I do. He doesn't want to change his name, though. I like the idea of being Dr. Maiden and Mrs. His, as long as it didn't get too confusing.
That's a great point that anyone who is confused about my future children being mine because we don't share a last name (or his because they don't share his last name) is not very well informed about the modern family. I do like the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name, but I really just prefer my name to his for a variety of reasons.
You are definitely right that if I am going to change it, I need to do it as soon as I get married before I get out and start practicing.
Thanks for your understanding and suggestions, and I am certainly open to any others that you have to offer!
 
Thank you so much for the replies. I really appreciate it. We do want to have kids (not any time soon, but after residency), so that is definitely a consideration. I have talked to my fiance extensively about this, and he honestly has no preference about what I do. He doesn't want to change his name, though. I like the idea of being Dr. Maiden and Mrs. His, as long as it didn't get too confusing.
That's a great point that anyone who is confused about my future children being mine because we don't share a last name (or his because they don't share his last name) is not very well informed about the modern family. I do like the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name, but I really just prefer my name to his for a variety of reasons.
You are definitely right that if I am going to change it, I need to do it as soon as I get married before I get out and start practicing.
Thanks for your understanding and suggestions, and I am certainly open to any others that you have to offer!

I hyphenated before med school. I went from cool one syllable to 5 syllables. His name does not match what I look like. We have two children. This all caused a LOT of anxiety at the time. So let me tell you how it turns out...

I call myself Dr. myname in the hospital. Some people will say the whole thing, and some people get it right, some don't. My airline tickets are never right. My credit cards just recently are all accurate (we've been married 12 years). Some people call me Dr. or Mrs. Hisname upon reading my name. That's ok. My kids have his name only. Their teachers call me either Dr. myname or Dr. hisname or Mrs. hisname. It doesn't matter. We have some corny things (mailbox, address stickers, t shirts, you get the picture) with "the Hisname's" (yes, with and without the apostrophe- don't get me started.) Some of my white coats have the hypenated name, some have just my name (don't ask.) It's all good.I haven't come upon a situation that it was a huge issue.

I love my name. I love his/children's name. I love my hyphenated name. I know you are anxious about this, but whatever you choose it will be ok. (You can also change your name later after trying something out and not liking it!)
 
I hyphenated before med school. I went from cool one syllable to 5 syllables. His name does not match what I look like. We have two children. This all caused a LOT of anxiety at the time. So let me tell you how it turns out...

I call myself Dr. myname in the hospital. Some people will say the whole thing, and some people get it right, some don't. My airline tickets are never right. My credit cards just recently are all accurate (we've been married 12 years). Some people call me Dr. or Mrs. Hisname upon reading my name. That's ok. My kids have his name only. Their teachers call me either Dr. myname or Dr. hisname or Mrs. hisname. It doesn't matter. We have some corny things (mailbox, address stickers, t shirts, you get the picture) with "the Hisname's" (yes, with and without the apostrophe- don't get me started.) Some of my white coats have the hypenated name, some have just my name (don't ask.) It's all good.I haven't come upon a situation that it was a huge issue.

I love my name. I love his/children's name. I love my hyphenated name. I know you are anxious about this, but whatever you choose it will be ok. (You can also change your name later after trying something out and not liking it!)

Thank you so much for the reassurance- I really appreciate it! That makes me feel a lot better.
 
I took my husband's name because my name is the kind of unusual that is annoying to communicate over the phone. In your shoes, I'd vote for keeping the maiden name professionally/legally, and using his name socially.

My mother kept her maiden name, and we kids got my father's name, and it never felt like we were less unified as a family, or difficult to plan with. She got called by his last name a few times on holiday cards and things but no big deal.

Having a different name socially might be a benefit from the privacy angle, if you ever run across that psycho stalker patient. It would be nice to know that all your social contacts wouldn't be a conduit for your professional life following you home.
 
Although you have probably made a decision by now, I can tell you that 30 years ago, Ruth Bader Ginsberg started an organization called the Center for a Woman's Own Name. At that time, both Alabama and Hawaii had laws changing a woman's name at marriage. In a legal clinic in which I volunteered, I helped a young man register at the University of Florida under his new wife's name (she was French and he thought it was cool). I kept mine at the time, as a lawyer married to a Dr., and I had a client following and all my degrees in my name on my office wall. That didn't matter. I was me, I had an identify, a family, a name I had been associated with and known by my whole life and I wasn't marrying his family, just him. It meant we were equals. My sisters, one a writer and one a doctor both kept their names. At about age 45, after one and three children respectively, my sisters both took their husband's and children's name. I'm still my name. What mattered a lot to me then doesn't matter much now, and I have always been called by his name, it was cute when my kids, now grown, would correct their friends who called me Mrs. Him. In the early days I did a lot of correcting, but gradually over the years, I let it slide. I could always tell telemarketers since they didn't know my name! My kids thought and think its normal, and think nothing of our different last names. I have grown to like his name and theirs, but wouldn't bother now, after passports, degrees, clients, friends, licenses, deeds, bank and brokerage accounts, inherited IRAs,etc. Personally I think you shouldn't change if you don't want to. If you decide to later, just do it. My sister told me when I was having my first child, Don't worry, just give him your husbands name, its the least you can do, since this child will think like you, act like you and be like you. Good advice, I thought and still do. Its a compliment to my husband and the audience is my kids, who know the commitment I have to us as a family. And Ruth, well, you know she's on the Supreme Court, so personally I am thrilled you feel free to think about this. What did you do?
 
Although you have probably made a decision by now, I can tell you that 30 years ago, Ruth Bader Ginsberg started an organization called the Center for a Woman's Own Name. At that time, both Alabama and Hawaii had laws changing a woman's name at marriage. In a legal clinic in which I volunteered, I helped a young man register at the University of Florida under his new wife's name (she was French and he thought it was cool). I kept mine at the time, as a lawyer married to a Dr., and I had a client following and all my degrees in my name on my office wall. That didn't matter. I was me, I had an identify, a family, a name I had been associated with and known by my whole life and I wasn't marrying his family, just him. It meant we were equals. My sisters, one a writer and one a doctor both kept their names. At about age 45, after one and three children respectively, my sisters both took their husband's and children's name. I'm still my name. What mattered a lot to me then doesn't matter much now, and I have always been called by his name, it was cute when my kids, now grown, would correct their friends who called me Mrs. Him. In the early days I did a lot of correcting, but gradually over the years, I let it slide. I could always tell telemarketers since they didn't know my name! My kids thought and think its normal, and think nothing of our different last names. I have grown to like his name and theirs, but wouldn't bother now, after passports, degrees, clients, friends, licenses, deeds, bank and brokerage accounts, inherited IRAs,etc. Personally I think you shouldn't change if you don't want to. If you decide to later, just do it. My sister told me when I was having my first child, Don't worry, just give him your husbands name, its the least you can do, since this child will think like you, act like you and be like you. Good advice, I thought and still do. Its a compliment to my husband and the audience is my kids, who know the commitment I have to us as a family. And Ruth, well, you know she's on the Supreme Court, so personally I am thrilled you feel free to think about this. What did you do?


It is definitely good that I even have the option to keep my own last name. Glad to hear that it has worked out for everyone in some way or another. I decided to keep my last name, and will likely end up using his socially. Mine is ethnic and I just can't let go of that part of me. Thank you for all the advice!! Now I just have to wait for March 26 to get here :) :) :)
 
I am in a similar situation and feel the same way about keeping my last name. :)
I'm even going a step further and planning to hyphenate my kids' names. I know that people tend to be against that, but my name is such an uncommon name that I think it would be a shame if it didn't live on.
 
I'm truly happy for you. You won't be sorry and he needs to be thrilled to be marrying a full partner, a grown woman with an important family name and history of her own. Names matter. I have recently spent some time on ancestry.com and its wonderful to see women's family names showing up generations later, as they clearly wanted their children and children's children to know where they came from. I am so glad I gave my children my family names as their middle names. Now that both of my parents have died, I know my Dad would really like this, and what better way to remember his brilliance as a scientist and pathologist, than to share his name with my children and get to tell them stories of the man they were named for.
 
I'm truly happy for you. You won't be sorry and he needs to be thrilled to be marrying a full partner, a grown woman with an important family name and history of her own. Names matter. I have recently spent some time on ancestry.com and its wonderful to see women's family names showing up generations later, as they clearly wanted their children and children's children to know where they came from. I am so glad I gave my children my family names as their middle names. Now that both of my parents have died, I know my Dad would really like this, and what better way to remember his brilliance as a scientist and pathologist, than to share his name with my children and get to tell them stories of the man they were named for.


Thank you so much for your support! I feel exactly the same way about my name, but mainly due to my appreciation of my family in terms of heritage. I just feel that my parents did so much to make me who I am by moving to the US and raising me the way that they did, and I want to keep that connection by ways of my name. Also, when I have kids, I want them to be able to respect and appreciate their unique heritage. My fiance is fortunately very supportive of this. My unique ethnic name is vastly different from his All-American, end of the alphabet, exceedingly common last name. We want our children to have both names. We want them to appreciate my side of heritage is more ways than just their appearance. Anyway, thank you for the advice!
 
Sorry, OP, but why aren't you going with the obvious: you both take YOUR name? My husband and I did that; it works great. Same name, my name, kids share our name -- no worries.
 
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