Things I Learn From My Patients

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If you are an overmacho, testicle of a cop and you drag some drunken jackass that you've arrested into my ER don't expect me to be impressed by how you beat him to a pulp. I now have to sew his face and scalp. It would be like me taking a dump in your car that you have to clean up and wanting you to think it was way cool.

and

If you're a boxer and you've just lost your fight don't yell at me because you were robbed by the referee. You can't even imagine how much I don't have anything to do with that.

Originally Posted by docB

It would be like me taking a dump in your car that you have to clean up and wanting you to think it was way cool.

I have to use that at a cocktail party sometime. LMAO

If you took the valium your dentist gives you to treat your precleaning anxiety, some xanax you stole from your mom, and a few shots of wiskey because you wanted to get "f****'d up real fast" and then had a panic attack and called EMS, don't ask me for a work excuse so you won't have to go to your job at Hooters the next evening

Originally Posted by SaltySqueegee

My first clash with reality was when I met my first Smurf (according to the Attending) in the ER. It was then that I knew EM was the right place for me.

Sick, but the truth.

Newbie here....what's a Smurf?

Originally Posted by Katee80

Newbie here....what's a Smurf?

A Patient that is as blue as can be. Usually heart failure from acute MI. Humor is the best weapon against reality in the ER. Used appropriately of course...

Awesome thread!

I'll add two from my MS-IV days...

If you MUST have a piece of wood cut, by all means have your 13 year old use the table saw without proper safety equipment so that he can cut not only the wood, but the tip of his middle finger in half.

And (this one comes with a lack of sarcasm...), if you get a fish hook stuck in your hand, you are probably better off cutting it and pulling it through yourself, rather than bringing it to the ED where, by some chance of fate, there WILL BE NO WIRE CUTTERS!!! (At least none with anything resembling an ability to cut). So, your friendly medical student will have to call a MAINTENANCE consult. I wonder how they bill for that...

Originally Posted by notstudying

Awesome thread!
So, your friendly medical student will have to call a MAINTENANCE consult. I wonder how they bill for that...

The question is did they write a note.

While in general what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas that does not apply to herpes or any thing else you might have picked up from your ill advised session of drunken rutting with one of our recreational professionals. Once you wake up and realize what you've done please do not come to the ER and ask to be tested for "everything." And by the way, no, I can't fix it so the bill for your ridiculous visit gets sent to a friend so your wife won't see it.

Originally Posted by notstudying

And (this one comes with a lack of sarcasm...), if you get a fish hook stuck in your hand, you are probably better off cutting it and pulling it through yourself, rather than bringing it to the ED where, by some chance of fate, there WILL BE NO WIRE CUTTERS!!! (At least none with anything resembling an ability to cut). So, your friendly medical student will have to call a MAINTENANCE consult. I wonder how they bill for that...

On one occasion where a patient managed to nailgun his palm with a massive wood nail, I used his co-worker's snips and pliers to remove it. Saved a call to maintenance.

or, if you slip up with the nail-gun while descending a roofing ladder and shoot a 4-inch nail straight through your sternum, just pluck it out while driving yourself on in to the ED. i still can't believe this guy didn't hit anything serious.

if you're sitting in your truck and feeling really thirsty, remember that the best thing to do is to drink the water that has been sitting in the gallon-milk-jug on the floor of the truck for 3 months (nevermind that when you filled it with water 3 months ago it still had some leftover milk in it). Yup, don't sniff it before drinking it or even take small sips. Just one BIG gulp. Also make sure that when you start to violently retch and vomit wait for half a day of vomiting to pass (just to "see if it clears up") before deciding to come into the ED.

If you are trying to read a gas meter, in a hole in the ground & you just can't quite see it - try using your lighter to illuminate things.

1)If you steal someone's prescription pad, be aware that "Mofine" isn't usually prescribed by the unit "pound" (as in "A pound of Mofine")

2)if you are going to change the number of pills to be dispenced, it's easier to add a zero rather than change the "1" in front of "10" into an eight.

3) 6 am is the perfect time to come in for the emergent sore throat or worker's comp. workup.

Originally Posted by EMRaiden

One of my EM rotation evals stated that I was "too cynical for my 'medical age'"... I don't know if it was a compliment or not

its not. good luck with that.

Originally Posted by stephew

1)If you steal someone's prescription pad, be aware that "Mofine" isn't usually prescribed by the unit "pound" (as in "A pound of Mofine")

If you're going to steal a Rx pad and forge a prescription, don't bother with (badly) forging a prescription for Tylenol #3. You'll still get caught, and even if you don't you haven't really gained much.

This is the 365th post for this thread. I think we've got ourselves a calendar.

Originally Posted by j-snake

This is the 365th post for this thread. I think we've got ourselves a calendar.

That was too "quick"......witty..... whatever...made me choke on my coffee I laughed so hard.

too bad no pics!

Originally Posted by Katee80

That was too "quick"......witty..... whatever...made me choke on my coffee I laughed so hard.

too bad no pics!

Thanks to Katee80 giving us the 366th post, we've now got leap years covered too.

If you drive your crotch rocket at 120+ miles per hour after drinking a case of beer....... be thankful all you had was 2 compound fractures in your left leg and nasty road rash on another 25 % of your body. Better that than 6 feet under.

After getting a thorough beating from the police, come back to the ED a week later after getting out of jail and demand that you be provided copies of your medical records because you want to "sue some pigs." The best time to do this is a 3:00am on a Saturday after a few too many drinks. When the ED technician tells you to contact admitting on Monday, threaten to kill him...this works like a charm and goes over really well when the cop who beat you like rug the week prior arrives and discovers a yellowish powdery substance in your front pocket.

If you are a 450 pound female with shortness of breath and chest pain and a hx. of COPD and asthma it is best to decide not to take an ambulance because it is too expensive for you. The taxi driver you decide to take instead will like appreciate you collapsing while attempting to enter his taxi (yah I know this is EMS, not EM, but I wanted to add to this great thread that I've enjoyed). Your prognosis will be that much better in the taxi.

iliac, this happened at my hospital...coincidence?

also, if you're going to attempt suicide, be a man about it. Don't slit your forearms til your veins are sticking to gauze like dark chicken meat and then say it was someone else who had something else against you. We will find those drugs in your rectum sooner or later

(I haven't seen anyone post worthy in a while but this guy...)

If you are a 70 yo alcoholic and you come to the ER because the cops cuffed you last night and you scraped your wrist do not first say to your doctor "An you better not try to discharge me before I wanna go 'cause I want to rest a spell, about 5 hours." Then when you are d/cd with bus tokens don't call the ER, AND TALK SOMEONE INTO TRANSFERRING YOU TO MY CELL PHONE (I'm gonna find the one that did THAT) and demand that I come pick you up where the bus dropped you off because you are now out of tokens and still have other places to go.

I am not making this up.

Smooth talker! Maybe you can get that guy a job as a fund-raiser for your hospital or foundation?

Isn't this ironic....After serving in Afghanistan for a year dodging bullets, do not try to break up a fight between a homeboy and his old lady during your coming home party two days after arriving home. The homeboy might think you're trying to "scheme" on his lady, pull out a big knife and stab you multiple times. This fits in well with the latest posts, because he arrived in a brand new Escalade carried by his friends who couldn't stop lamenting about the injustice of it all. Luckily, the young man recovered and hopefully stays out of lovers spats from here on out.

Originally Posted by docB

AND TALK SOMEONE INTO TRANSFERRING YOU TO MY CELL PHONE (I'm gonna find the one that did THAT)

Geez, and I thought people at my hospital did stupid sh*t.

Originally Posted by Earth

also, if you're going to attempt suicide, be a man about it. Don't slit your forearms til your veins are sticking to gauze like dark chicken meat and then say it was someone else who had something else against you.

Another way not to attempt suicide:
Please don't attempt to hang yourself from a doorknob. It really won't work, no matter how hard you lean against it. Yes, points for creativity, but the nurses will laugh at you behind your back. Don't feel too bad, though. They laugh at everybody.

Originally Posted by dchristismi

Another way not to attempt suicide:
Please don't attempt to hang yourself from a doorknob. It really won't work, no matter how hard you lean against it. Yes, points for creativity, but the nurses will laugh at you behind your back. Don't feel too bad, though. They laugh at everybody.

Like I'm laughing at you now?

All in good fun mind you......could not resist.

Trading "Crack for Crack" is inadvisable. It will cause your rectum to fall out, and a poor intern will have the joy of reducing it for you.


Note: 'Crack for Crack' is the practice of trading anal sex for crack cocaine.

I take it that 'fall out' = prolapse?

'cuz while it's (thank god) a very small and specialized fetish subculture, I imagine there's good money to be made as a "pink sock" adult website model.

Never forget the lube, kids.

Originally Posted by Febrifuge

'cuz while it's (thank god) a very small and specialized fetish subculture, I imagine there's good money to be made as a "pink sock" adult website model.

I really worry about you because you know this.

Never fear. I'm the wannabe pre-med who's spent the last 10 years half in school and half at work in areas totally unrelated to medicine. There's a lot of weird stuff out there, and it's not too hard to find if you're not working your buns off doing what y'all did/are doing. I'll miss the next few years' worth of it, is all.

I just noticed that this thread has more posts than the whole Dermatology forum.

do you think there is more money in pink sock modeling or the "ostomy" racket from several pages back? just curious.

If you are going to float the story of "hurt my hand while changing a tire" for your obvious fight bite and boxer's fx you should probably put at least a litte grease and dirt on your hands and your white zoot suit if you want me to believe you.

Hopefully he punched the guy who sold him that zoot suit. Assualting people while wearing a zoot suit...that guy has problems.

If you're a diabetic with severely decreased circulation, don't try to "dig out" your own ingrown toenails. Gangrene isn't fun for ANYBODY.

almost forgot this guy:

if you decide to shave your pubic hair, make sure you pay prompt attention to any hairs that become ingrown. If you don't, you may end up with an abcess dangerously close to your wee-wee... and that's exactly what everyone is wanting to I&D in the middle of the night.

Originally Posted by CSI Miami

If you are trying to read a gas meter, in a hole in the ground & you just can't quite see it - try using your lighter to illuminate things.

LMFAO!!!

An admitted pts. doctor comes to check in on him one day. The DR walks out of the pts. room and over to the nurse. He asks her if she would mind going into the pts. room, checking things out for herself, and let him know what she thinks. Now, the pt. has been here for a while, and he and fiance decided that instead of postponing wedding date, it would be just as special to be married in the hospital. So the nurse goes into the room and walks out. Seems the male pt. was being "pleasured" by his new wife, while in the bed. However, she was not using an extremity. And his foley had not been removed.
I pray they're sterile.

Originally Posted by EMRaiden

I had a patient come in the other day complaining that he had had Hepatitis B so long it had turned into Hepatitis C...

I laughed for like 10 mins straight....

I am just a first year med student...but i learned some rules that patients tend 2 follow (during shadowing and working as a PT assistant):

1. you should come in drunk and rowdy into the doc's office and the next day try to apologize for your behavior while also drunk

2. you should always try 2 grope the PT's....we dont mind....that is what we are there for right?

3. come in with 2 of your kids,, each with a different last name than you, gripe about medicaid....while you are wearing the latest designer clothes, always have your nails and hair done....and then gripe how the system keeps you down

4. always bring your kid who has ADHD, and let him run around the office....make sure you never set rules for him....and then gripe about how he cannot be controled...we are more than happy to play baby sitter for you

4. always bring your kid in and don't pay any attention when he tries to get into the x-ray development chemicals....those are good for him...yum

5. you should always smoke weed right before comming in for your appointment

6. after the doc intrpduces the med student (me), always ask what high school said student attends.....we really love that one

7. and lastly...always come in complaining that you back hurts sooo bad that you have to lay down on the first specific bed that is taken (off course) and then promptly jump onto said bed once the previous patient is gone

I love this thread. It made my week. I will be a MS-1 at VCOM in 1 month. I have volunteered in the ER for 3 summers now, which means there are lots of stories just like these, mine aren't as technical as some because really my only job is getting blankets/pillows/soda.

Originally Posted by mojo

1) Never run from the police especially if its a K9 unit.

.

From last night:
If you do not have a license and get in a car accident, it is a good idea to leave the scene as to not get into trouble. When the cops come after you it is wise to continue to flee. After you wreck said car AGAIN, get out and run on foot. The cops will only send the dog after you, which is going to maul your arms and legs. Then you get spend the rest of the evening in handcuffs in the emergency room. Once treated you will be spending the evening in the county jail, which is a much better option than a ticket from the first accident.

Originally Posted by kaydgirl

I love this thread. It made my week. I will be a MS-1 at VCOM in 1 month. I have volunteered in the ER for 3 summers now, which means there are lots of stories just like these, mine aren't as technical as some because really my only job is getting blankets/pillows/soda.

Hey, it's ALL good - we appreciate every story, as long as it's a "learning experience".

Thanks for your bit, good luck, and keep 'em coming!

I'm planning on family medicine, but these posts are so great that I'm going to have to take a serious look at EM.

Please keep these posts coming! They make my day!

Originally Posted by drlisa0318

I'm planning on family medicine, but these posts are so great that I'm going to have to take a serious look at EM.

Please keep these posts coming! They make my day!

I'm sure FM has some great stories, too. Maybe not quite as many....

If you happen to be driving drunk and feeling that you can't stay awake anymore, you shouldn't turn off your lights when you park in the middle of the interstate to take your nap.

"Say it wid me. 'Babydaddy.' One word! 'Babydaddy!'"

Originally Posted by stoic

If you're a diabetic with severely decreased circulation, don't try to "dig out" your own ingrown toenails. Gangrene isn't fun for ANYBODY.

Also, Don't use hedge clippers to trim your big toe nails

Originally Posted by Sessamoid

If you happen to be driving drunk and feeling that you can't stay awake anymore, you shouldn't turn off your lights when you park in the middle of the interstate to take your nap.

Also, If your boyfriend is driving drunk and you are drunk it is not a good idea to hang your head out the window to puke while doing 80mph down the road. When he gets to close to a phone pole, the impact on your head will rip your body right out of the window.