My Personal Statement...and I Got Accepted

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“Mbuto.”

My African driver springs to his feet.

“Yes, Sahib.”

“Pass me another baby, I think this one has died.” I lay the dead infant in the pile by my feet. What I’d really like him to do is pass me an ice-cold bottle of the local beer. Compassion is hot, thirsty work. There is no ice in this wretched refugee camp, mores the pity, but as I’m here to help I will suffer in silence. I stare into the eyes of the African baby who is suffering from HIV or dengue fever or something gross, look out into the hot, dusty savannah and ask, “Why? Why gender-neutral and non-judgmental Diety (or Deities) does this have to happen?”

“And Why, Mbuto, is the air-conditioning on my Land Rover broken again?”

“One thousand pardons, Sahib, but the parts have not arrived.”

I will suffer. I have lived a life of privilege and my suffering serves to link me to the suffering of mankind. I roll the window down. God it’s hot. How can people live here? Why don’t they move where it’s cool? Still, I see by the vacant stare from the walking skeletons who insist on blocking the road that they appreciate my compassion and I know that in a small way, I am making a difference in their lives.

Africa. Oh wretched continent! How long must you suffer? How long will you provide the venue to compensate for a low MCAT score? How many must die before I am accepted to a top-tier medical school?

When did I first discover that I, myself, desired to be a doctor? Some come to the decision late in life, often not until the age of five. The non-traditional applicants might not know until they are seven or even, as hard as it is to believe, until the end of ninth grade. I came, myself, to the realization that I, myself, wanted to be a doctor on the way through the birth canal when I realized that my large head was causing a partial third degree vaginal laceration. I quickly threw a couple of sutures into the fascia between contractions so strong was my desire to help people.

My dedication to service was just beginning. At five I was counseling the first-graders on their reproductive options. By twelve I was volunteering at a suicide crisis center/free needle exchange hot-line for troubled transgendered teens. I’ll never forget Jose, a young Hispanic male with HIV who had just been kicked out of his casa by his conservative Catholic parents. He had turned to black tar heroin as his only solace and he was literally at the end of his rope when he called.

“How about a condom, Hose,” I asked. The J, as you know, is pronounced like an H in Spanish.

Annoying silence on the line. Hesus, I was there to help him.

“Condoms will solve all of your problems,” I continued, “In fact, in a paper of which I was listed as the fourth author, we found that condoms prevent all kinds of diseases including HIV which I have a suspicion is the root of your depression.”

More silence. No one had ever had such a rapport with him. He was speechless and grateful and I took his sobs as evidence of my compassion.

“Hey, it was double-blinded and placebo controlled, vato.” Cultural competence is important and I value my diverse upbringing which has exposed me to peoples of many different ethnicities. I always say “What up, Homes,” to the nice young negroes who assemble my Big Mac and I think they accept me as a soul brother. “

“We also have needles, amigo. Clean needles would prevent HIV too.”

My desire to be a physician has mirrored my desire to actualize my potential to serve humanity in many capacities. This may be something unheard of from medical school applicant but I have a strong desire to help people. I manifest this desire by my dedication to obtaining all kinds of exposure to all different kinds of people but mostly those from underserved and underprivileged populations. In fact, during a stint in a Doctors Without Borders spin-off chapter I learned the true meaning of underserved while staffing a mall health care pavilion in La Jolla, California.

Most of my friends are black or latino and I am a “Junior Cousin” of the Nation of Islam where I teach infidel abasement techniques to the Mohammed (PBUHN) Scouts. I also am active in the fight for women’s reproductive rights except of course for women in Afghanistan who were better off before our current racist war.

As Maya Angelou once said, “All men (and womyn) are prepared to accomplish the incredible if their ideals are threatened.” I feel this embodies my philosophy best because the prospect of grad school is too horrible to contemplate.

That's one ballsy gamble of a personal statement. An interesting read for sure.

Beautiful.

I'd accept you.

Holllllllllllllllllllly shiat....

oh...my...god

what's the word...awesome....orginal....ballsy...can't decide.

muy excellente!

Ok... it is a creative essay... very entertaining... but is it truly real?? If so that's pretty cool you were accepted, haha.

Wow it had all the criteria, including the dead african babies. Well done.

Please tell me that there isn't anyone credulous enough to think this is real.

Please.

WTF...that was the most screwed up personal statement I have ever read. Panda, you are awsome, in the same way a tidal wave or earth quake can be considered awsome...beyond comprehension. That is exactly what that statement was, beyond comprehension.

Panda Bear, you crack me up.

I think you left out a paragraph when you cut and pasted it into the forum. Where's the part about being an EMT-B and the tones dropping and sirens blaring as you race to the scene of an emergent rescue of your poor undergraduate GPA?

It's good but that can't be a real, submitted PS.

Originally Posted by MollyMalone

Please tell me that there isn't anyone credulous enough to think this is real.

Please.

It looks like a lot of people fell for it. I sure as hell didn't.

I would like to see a scan of your printed AMCAS application with this PS typed in. Then I might believe it.

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

Africa. Oh wretched continent! How long must you suffer? How long will you provide the venue to compensate for a low MCAT score? How many must die before I am accepted to a top-tier medical school?

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

“How about a condom, Hose,” I asked. The J, as you know, is pronounced like an H is Spanish.

Annoying silence on the line. Hesus, I was there to help him.

Love it. You just made my morning.

Damn. I wish I could write like you.

I wonder what the adcom would do if someone actually used the word "negro" in a ps.

whatever...the OP didn't get accepted anywhere with that essay. Not that it's even real.

Please tell me that there isn't anyone credulous enough to think this is real.

serious. like the first 4 people, and probably many more if your comment wasn't the 5th.

premeds

That's f-ing hilarious!

Hilarious, if only it was real. Great jokes though

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

Africa. Oh wretched continent! How long must you suffer? How long will you provide the venue to compensate for a low MCAT score? How many must die before I am accepted to a top-tier medical school?

lol

Hey, you can get me to believe in anything I think that with an MCAT of 45 you can get accepted with this kind of essay

And the "Hose" was hillarious

lol def not real. may it be my poor reading skills but i didnt know wth was going on most of the entire essay.

1. I can't believe people actually thought it was a real personal statement.

2. Panda Bear rocks looooong time.

Originally Posted by ssman

serious. like the first 4 people, and probably many more if your comment wasn't the 5th.

premeds

Can I clarify that I knew it wasn't real? I just thought it was hilarious.

Like 90% of what PB posts is humor/sarcasm.

Sweet, totally sweet.

"Cultural competence is important and I value my diverse upbringing which has exposed me to peoples of many different ethnicities. I always say “What up, Homes,” to the nice young negroes who assemble my Big Mac and I think they accept me as a soul brother. “

Totally awesome.

Originally Posted by WannaDoc

Ok... it is a creative essay... very entertaining... but is it truly real?? If so that's pretty cool you were accepted, haha.

Dude....

Originally Posted by SanDiegoSOD

Sweet, totally sweet.

"Cultural competence is important and I value my diverse upbringing which has exposed me to peoples of many different ethnicities. I always say “What up, Homes,” to the nice young negroes who assemble my Big Mac and I think they accept me as a soul brother. “

Totally awesome.

yeah, that part reminds me of blackpeopleloveus.com

lol

How can people not get that this is a joke? I loved it!

This is hilarious.....very nice writing panda.



thanks for cheering me up!

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

Dude....

Don't worry Panda Bear... I didn't honestly believe it was real... I just didn't want to be rude.

I mean seriously.... "negroes by the Big Mac"......

Though I was serious when I said creative and entertaining.

holy crap i thought it was real

hahaha. Bravo, Panda Bear. Hey, if I was on an adcom I'd probably find it refreshing to see a PS like that. I definitely enjoy reading your posts on here. I like the sensible perspective you have about all the stuff med students go through. Keep up the good work.

Loved it!!! Such an entertaining writer

Originally Posted by ed2brute

I think you left out a paragraph when you cut and pasted it into the forum. Where's the part about being an EMT-B and the tones dropping and sirens blaring as you race to the scene of an emergent rescue of your poor undergraduate GPA?

Wahahahaha! Brilliant!

obviously not real upon mentioning the "underserved populations in La Jolla", fairly amusing, and what no "please refer to my blog" at the end of the post, panda you are getting lazy with your self promotion

I'm sitting in my office trying not to laugh too loud.

Originally Posted by peppy

if I was on an adcom I'd probably find it refreshing to see a PS like that.

I am on an adcom and I think that the OP hit almost every overworked cliché I've seen in a PS (the only one missing was the inspiration provided by a grandmother's death). When I read the first few lines I thought - oh no, not another "driving through the bush" essay!

Thanks for giving me my laugh of the day, Polar Bear!

^^"Polar bear"

Originally Posted by ed2brute

I think you left out a paragraph when you cut and pasted it into the forum. Where's the part about being an EMT-B and the tones dropping and sirens blaring as you race to the scene of an emergent rescue of your poor undergraduate GPA?

Did PB write this, or is this someone else's work?

Really funny though.

I don't think this is "balsy" at all, especially since it's a joke written for SDN or what have you and because those "negro" and "dead baby" comments, albeit funny in the abstract, would floor your average physician reading it for signs of "compassion, intrigue, etcetera etcetera." Instead, it's a satirical comment about the medical school admissions essay and how idealistic and sappy it is. At the same time, I think it's impossible for many of us to not write some of those same cliches about helping people, volunteer work, research, impoverished neighborhoods, yaddy yaddy yaddy since that seems to be the miraculous formula med schools want to see. While it was a nice laugh in parts, I don't think you can completely blame anal retentive premeds for coming off very similar to this essay (albeit without the dripping sarcasm) - it's the personality conforming game called the admissions process.

Rant away at my lack of more than a marginal sense of humor, but I felt that the above had to be said.

Wow! I'm still skeptical if it is real or not, and I think it was ballsy if real (especially some phrases) but so long as you were able to defend every comment in your interviews, I would not be too surprised you got in. I do think it's a personal statement that some good schools would hate and some good schools would love.

Either way, if the whole PS was real and a work of satire, that would appeal to some adcom (like me if I were one). So I don't think it's too far-fetched if it's real.

What school did you get into btw?

Originally Posted by MollyMalone

Please tell me that there isn't anyone credulous enough to think this is real.

Please.

exactly... reminds me of the words of Howard Stern's deceased Hank the Angry Drunk Dwarf...

Nothing against Hank; he was cool at least...

Originally Posted by plainolerichie

Wow! I'm still skeptical if it is real or not, and I think it was ballsy if real (especially some phrases) but so long as you were able to defend every comment in your interviews, I would not be too surprised you got in. I do think it's a personal statement that some good schools would hate and some good schools would love.

Either way, if the whole PS was real and a work of satire, that would appeal to some adcom (like me if I were one). So I don't think it's too far-fetched if it's real.

What school did you get into btw?

Wow, and I thought I was gullible

It's not real. I promise.

Monette