AUDIOLOGY

Member 1051 · 05-13-2007, 05:59 PM

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Here are some of mine:

Patient: "Doc, I lost my nature."
Translation: "Doc, I have trouble getting and maintaining an erection."

Patient: "My period keeps coming back."
Translation: "I am experiencing regular, monthly menstrual cycles."

Member 28173 · 05-13-2007, 06:12 PM

"I'm passing gas 2 or even 3 times a day"

60 y/o patient who just discovered farting

Member 92375 · 05-13-2007, 06:15 PM

"My tired hurts"
18 y/o drunk college kid who had just fallen out of a 3rd story window

Member 71649 · 05-13-2007, 06:54 PM

"I have a hair on my chin and I want you to give me something to make it go away" said a patient being seen for said complaint in the ER (yes, the ER)

Member 113029 · 05-13-2007, 07:21 PM

CC: "my sweat stinks"

Has it always stunk? Yes

Member 51470 · 05-13-2007, 08:09 PM

"I fell from a truck and broke my arm"

Now try to get a differential diagnosis for that.

Member 70925 · 05-13-2007, 08:35 PM

"My chest hurt the other day so I took some crack to make it feel better. I didn't think it worked"

Member 36589 · 05-14-2007, 04:17 AM

From a patient on the psych ward: "CC: Is this beef sirloin or steak sirloin?"
(This was actually written as the CC in the patient's chart)

Member 98273 · 05-14-2007, 05:00 AM

Worked at a clinic where pt's actually wrote their own CC...

These were from the same pt, who incidentally was a very pleasant fellow.

CC: "spiter bit"
(Trans: spider bite)

CC: "pain in my balls"

Member 99887 · 05-14-2007, 08:28 AM

"So, Mr. Yellowish Grizzled Old-Dude with ~ 7 Teeth, what brings you here today?"

CC: "The Booze."

Member 28173 · 05-14-2007, 12:52 PM

How could I forget psych?

CC: "Al Qaeda"

CC: "Beep bop boop bip bop bop bop" - he could speak perfect English if you asked him to "translate."

Member 941 · 05-14-2007, 12:58 PM

i'm getting out of the marine corps tomorrow and i need a final physical right away!

Member 127220 · 05-14-2007, 01:55 PM

Signed in with "Noises Ruining".

Translation: runny nose

Member 32589 · 05-14-2007, 03:16 PM

Today:

"What brings you to the clinic today?"

"My clit is swollen"

Member 941 · 05-14-2007, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pegasus52082

"My clit is swollen"

Come again?!

Member 6377 · 05-14-2007, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adismo

Come again?!

Yes that would be a solution to her problem!

Member 36363 · 05-14-2007, 04:28 PM

CC: Friction burns on my penis!

Ok, so I had that patient while I was working as an EMT... which I guess actually makes it funnier, because instead of just driving his sorry ***** to the ER, he called 911... I refused to transport him!

Member 105271 · 05-14-2007, 04:29 PM

"My tooth tickles." Patient had tried to remove his tooth first with pliers and then with a crowbar.

"I have bumps on my butt part and pee hole." A 16 year old G2P1001.

"I took some crack, do you have any?" A trauma patient who apparently fell off a bicycle.

Member 36363 · 05-14-2007, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whisker Barrel Cortex

Yes that would be a solution to her problem!

That was just awesome!

Member 55375 · 05-14-2007, 04:57 PM

"I got a thang on my hang-low"

Response:

Member 127220 · 05-14-2007, 05:18 PM

CC: Can't Sleep

Triage Note: Smoked crack 1hr PTA

Member 108124 · 05-14-2007, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dilated

"I got a thang on my hang-low"

Response:

CC, psych ward of course: "the toaster's talking again"

Member 72766 · 05-14-2007, 10:22 PM

Patient "My eyes are tired"

Me. "Could you talk about that some more?"

Patient "They feel tired"

Me "Runny eyes? Problems reading? Stuffy or itchy eyes?"

Patient "No. No. No. They just feel tired."

Me "Do your eyes hurt? Cause you pain?"

Patient "No, just like you know, when they get tired."

=====================================

Patient's Mom "He has a rash that isn't here right now, but sometimes shows up in the evening, we took him to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."

=====================================

Member 127220 · 05-14-2007, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChildNeuro

Patient "My eyes are tired"

Me. "Could you talk about that some more?"

Patient "They feel tired"

Me "Runny eyes? Problems reading? Stuffy or itchy eyes?"

Patient "No. No. No. They just feel tired."

Me "Do your eyes hurt? Cause you pain?"

Patient "No, just like you know, when they get tired."

And of course, since the patient was over the age of 65yo, this prompted a full cardiac workup, blood cultures, complete metabolic profile, and a head CT.

Member 98741 · 05-14-2007, 10:55 PM

During residency, actual patient referred by an IM resident (to get rid of the patient, I am sure) to the neuro clinic: My left ear tingles on tuesdays.

Yes, just tuesdays.

Member 72766 · 05-14-2007, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tired

And of course, since the patient was over the age of 65yo, this prompted a full cardiac workup, blood cultures, complete metabolic profile, and a head CT.

I think we did 4 view nasal x-rays, CBC, to try to rule out bacterial sinusitus. My attendings has big old' lobster hands and when he "taps" over anyone's sinuses with those the patient is bound to say "Ow!" We diagnose so many cases of sinusitus . . .

Member 127220 · 05-15-2007, 12:02 AM

From Neuro clinic 3rd year:

"The tip of my tongue has been burning for three years."

Just for kicks, look up "burning mouth syndrome" sometime when you're bored.

Member 15504 · 05-15-2007, 07:49 AM

CC: "Rash on my lower back."
Translation: New onset genital herpes, much lower than the back.

Member 138988 · 05-15-2007, 07:58 AM

Awesome thread!

Here's what I can remember for now...

"Little bumps on clit" (first recognition of clitoral erection)

"Little bugs in vagina" (Trich present, dunno how she saw it w/o microscope)

What was funniest about the "little bugs in vagina" girl (age 16) was that her 18-year-old sister came into the ED at the same time complaining of chest pain. Both left with pelvic exams, some Flagyl, and counseling on latex application. Moral of the story: as you get older, you learn that chest pain will get you back quicker than "little bugs in vagina."

Member 22192 · 05-15-2007, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tired

From Neuro clinic 3rd year:

"The tip of my tongue has been burning for three years."

Just for kicks, look up "burning mouth syndrome" sometime when you're bored.

Yeah. BMS sucks to deal with.

Member 30766 · 05-15-2007, 08:26 AM

Patient: Doc, I have got a herd of BEAVERS in my pants!

Translation: Candida groin infection

Member 24950 · 05-15-2007, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Critical Mass

Awesome thread!

Here's what I can remember for now...

"Little bumps on clit" (first recognition of clitoral erection)

"Little bugs in vagina" (Trich present, dunno how she saw it w/o microscope)

What was funniest about the "little bugs in vagina" girl (age 16) was that her 18-year-old sister came into the ED at the same time complaining of chest pain. Both left with pelvic exams, some Flagyl, and counseling on latex application. Moral of the story: as you get older, you learn that chest pain will get you back quicker than "little bugs in vagina."

I......can't......stop.....staring....at......your .....avatar.....

Member 27401 · 05-16-2007, 07:21 PM

CC: Medical certificate facies

Member 61082 · 05-19-2007, 04:38 PM

Psych ER:
cc: " my pu$$y is sad"

- not sure if she meant her cat or a part of her anatomy
- that was the the only thing she said that came close to making any sense

Member 66525 · 05-20-2007, 06:41 AM

CC: I have chicken coming out of my penis.

Translation: I have a mucopurulent discharge.

Member 34794 · 05-20-2007, 07:03 AM

These aren't so much funny CCs but both nights I did an overnight ER rotation as a first year to get experience doing H&Ps we had someone come in that had tried to shave their pubic hair with a box cutter and ended up with some very unpleasant lacerations. They weren't comfortable with a med student in the room, so I didn't get to see their handywork.

Member 57596 · 05-20-2007, 09:03 AM

Here's a page an intern got once that always makes me chuckle: "Mrs. X is rubbing applesauce on her chest. Please advise."

Member 87716 · 05-20-2007, 02:21 PM

CC: "I need a rectal."

The guy was a frequent flyer, always with the same CC. The only pathology he had was psychiatric. His chart always stayed in the rack for a loooong time.

Member 50530 · 05-20-2007, 02:23 PM

"one of my labia is bigger than the other"

Member 51212 · 05-20-2007, 04:25 PM

"My kitty got the stank" (vaginitis)

"There's a vine growing out of my jenny" (patient had stuck a potato up her hooha and left it there, and it actually sprouted)

Member 95618 · 05-20-2007, 05:56 PM

In pediatrics

CC: "my baby done drank a strawberry douche"

Member 61641 · 05-20-2007, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UTKB

"My kitty got the stank" (vaginitis)

"There's a vine growing out of my jenny" (patient had stuck a potato up her hooha and left it there, and it actually sprouted)

OMG!! I had no idea that was even possible!! That has to be some sort of wacky record or something..

-PlAnEjaNe

Member 51212 · 05-20-2007, 08:20 PM

I know! Fertile, indeed.

Member 78390 · 05-21-2007, 03:53 AM

Patient: "I've got a pager up my ass"
Triage Nurse: "Excuse me?"

Member 1051 · 05-21-2007, 11:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DropkickMurphy

Patient: "I've got a pager up my ass"
Triage Nurse: "Excuse me?"

On vibrate or tone?

Member 78390 · 05-21-2007, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JPHazelton

On vibrate or tone?

Vibrate apparently judging by the way he reacted a couple of times in the ED....I wasn't in the OR when they took it out and didn't think to ask about it.

Member 112799 · 05-23-2007, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChildNeuro

=====================================

Patient's Mom "He has a rash that isn't here right now, but sometimes shows up in the evening, we took him to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."

=====================================

thats not as stupid as it sounds, actually. we had a pt like that, rash would come and go throughout the day...fortunately she took a picture of it on her cell phone and showed it to us. Hives, i think.

Member 35113 · 05-27-2007, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justwondering

thats not as stupid as it sounds, actually. we had a pt like that, rash would come and go throughout the day...fortunately she took a picture of it on her cell phone and showed it to us. Hives, i think.

sounds like a JRA pt I had.

Member 130297 · 05-27-2007, 05:26 PM

patient: "my colostomy bag is full of ****"
nurse: "no ****."

Member 5783 · 05-31-2007, 05:17 PM

CC: my tongue is too short

Me: OK. What sort of problem does that cause you?

(Patient's wife begins snickering)

Him: Well, her and all our friends make fun of me...I mean, I'm not no good at oral sex and it's because my tongue is too short.

Me: ummmmmkaaaaayyyyyy

05-13-2007, 05:59 PM	#1
Member 1051 Banned Status: Resident Join Date: Feb 2000 Posts: 5,926	Funniest Chief Complaints SDN Members don't see this ad. (About Ads) Here are some of mine: Patient: "Doc, I lost my nature." Translation: "Doc, I have trouble getting and maintaining an erection." Patient: "My period keeps coming back." Translation: "I am experiencing regular, monthly menstrual cycles."

05-13-2007, 06:54 PM	#4
Member 71649 Just an afterthought.... Status: Resident Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Candy land Posts: 15	"I have a hair on my chin and I want you to give me something to make it go away" said a patient being seen for said complaint in the ER (yes, the ER) __________________ Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

05-14-2007, 12:58 PM	#12
Member 941 covered in moon dust Join Date: Jan 2000 Location: tent Posts: 437	i'm getting out of the marine corps tomorrow and i need a final physical right away! __________________ nothing but blue skies and sunshine

05-14-2007, 03:16 PM	#14
Member 32589 Senior Member Status: Resident Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 282	Today: "What brings you to the clinic today?" "My clit is swollen" __________________ D.O., NSU-COM 2008 General Surgery PGY-4

05-14-2007, 04:28 PM	#17
Member 36363 Senior Member Status: Attending Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Maine Posts: 579	CC: Friction burns on my penis! Ok, so I had that patient while I was working as an EMT... which I guess actually makes it funnier, because instead of just driving his sorry ***** to the ER, he called 911... I refused to transport him! __________________ Seriously? WTF!

05-13-2007, 06:12 PM	#2
Member 28173 和魂洋才 Status: Fellow Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: GMT+9 Posts: 5,545	"I'm passing gas 2 or even 3 times a day" 60 y/o patient who just discovered farting

05-13-2007, 06:15 PM	#3
Member 92375 Member Status: Medical Student Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 30	"My tired hurts" 18 y/o drunk college kid who had just fallen out of a 3rd story window

05-13-2007, 07:21 PM	#5
Member 113029 Senior Member Status: Resident Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 622	CC: "my sweat stinks" Has it always stunk? Yes

05-13-2007, 08:09 PM	#6
Member 51470 Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 109	"I fell from a truck and broke my arm" Now try to get a differential diagnosis for that.

05-13-2007, 08:35 PM	#7
Member 70925 MS IV Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 287	"My chest hurt the other day so I took some crack to make it feel better. I didn't think it worked"

05-14-2007, 04:17 AM	#8
Member 36589 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Colorado Posts: 289	From a patient on the psych ward: "CC: Is this beef sirloin or steak sirloin?" (This was actually written as the CC in the patient's chart)

05-14-2007, 05:00 AM	#9
Member 98273 the last tycoon Status: Attending Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 2,179	Worked at a clinic where pt's actually wrote their own CC... These were from the same pt, who incidentally was a very pleasant fellow. CC: "spiter bit" (Trans: spider bite) CC: "pain in my balls"

05-14-2007, 08:28 AM	#10
Member 99887 Senior Member Status: Medical Student Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 428	"So, Mr. Yellowish Grizzled Old-Dude with ~ 7 Teeth, what brings you here today?" CC: "The Booze."

05-14-2007, 12:52 PM	#11
Member 28173 和魂洋才 Status: Fellow Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: GMT+9 Posts: 5,545	How could I forget psych? CC: "Al Qaeda" CC: "Beep bop boop bip bop bop bop" - he could speak perfect English if you asked him to "translate."

05-14-2007, 01:55 PM	#13
Member 127220 Boned. Again. Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 7,635	Signed in with "Noises Ruining". Translation: runny nose

05-14-2007, 04:29 PM	#18
Member 105271 Junior Member Status Medical Student Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Greenville, SC Posts: 13	"My tooth tickles." Patient had tried to remove his tooth first with pliers and then with a crowbar. "I have bumps on my butt part and pee hole." A 16 year old G2P1001. "I took some crack, do you have any?" A trauma patient who apparently fell off a bicycle. __________________ Let us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky Like a patient etherised upon a table;

05-14-2007, 04:57 PM	#20
Member 55375 Fought Law; Law Won Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: NC Posts: 1,022	"I got a thang on my hang-low" Response:

05-14-2007, 05:18 PM	#21
Member 127220 Boned. Again. Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 7,635	CC: Can't Sleep Triage Note: Smoked crack 1hr PTA

05-14-2007, 10:22 PM	#23
Member 72766 Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: San Francisco Posts: 333	Patient "My eyes are tired" Me. "Could you talk about that some more?" Patient "They feel tired" Me "Runny eyes? Problems reading? Stuffy or itchy eyes?" Patient "No. No. No. They just feel tired." Me "Do your eyes hurt? Cause you pain?" Patient "No, just like you know, when they get tired." ===================================== Patient's Mom "He has a rash that isn't here right now, but sometimes shows up in the evening, we took him to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there." =====================================

05-14-2007, 10:55 PM	#25
Member 98741 Amongst the Gravelings Status: Attending Join Date: May 2006 Location: Valley of the shadow of death Posts: 248	During residency, actual patient referred by an IM resident (to get rid of the patient, I am sure) to the neuro clinic: My left ear tingles on tuesdays. Yes, just tuesdays.

05-15-2007, 12:02 AM	#27
Member 127220 Boned. Again. Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 7,635	From Neuro clinic 3rd year: "The tip of my tongue has been burning for three years." Just for kicks, look up "burning mouth syndrome" sometime when you're bored.

05-15-2007, 07:49 AM	#28
Member 15504 Dismembered Status: Fellow Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: NY Posts: 944	CC: "Rash on my lower back." Translation: New onset genital herpes, much lower than the back.

05-15-2007, 07:58 AM	#29
Member 138988 Guest Status Medical Student Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,728	Awesome thread! Here's what I can remember for now... "Little bumps on clit" (first recognition of clitoral erection) "Little bugs in vagina" (Trich present, dunno how she saw it w/o microscope) What was funniest about the "little bugs in vagina" girl (age 16) was that her 18-year-old sister came into the ED at the same time complaining of chest pain. Both left with pelvic exams, some Flagyl, and counseling on latex application. Moral of the story: as you get older, you learn that chest pain will get you back quicker than "little bugs in vagina."

05-15-2007, 08:26 AM	#31
Member 30766 Senior Member Status: Resident Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Northwest Posts: 257	Patient: Doc, I have got a herd of BEAVERS in my pants! Translation: Candida groin infection

05-16-2007, 07:21 PM	#33
Member 27401 High Profiler Status: Resident Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 1,193	CC: Medical certificate facies __________________ The greatest mistake in the treatment of diseases is that there are physicians for the body and physicians for the soul, although the two cannot be separated. ~Plato Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. ~Jan King Eric Damian Sean

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05-19-2007, 04:38 PM	#34
Member 61082 Senior Member Status: Resident Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: In the OR, or seeing a consult (more likely) Posts: 138	Psych ER: cc: " my pu$$y is sad" - not sure if she meant her cat or a part of her anatomy - that was the the only thing she said that came close to making any sense

05-20-2007, 06:41 AM	#35
Member 66525 Senior Member Status: Attending Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 885	CC: I have chicken coming out of my penis. Translation: I have a mucopurulent discharge.

05-20-2007, 07:03 AM	#36
Member 34794 Radiologist Status: Resident Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Final approach Posts: 1,289	These aren't so much funny CCs but both nights I did an overnight ER rotation as a first year to get experience doing H&Ps we had someone come in that had tried to shave their pubic hair with a box cutter and ended up with some very unpleasant lacerations. They weren't comfortable with a med student in the room, so I didn't get to see their handywork. __________________ When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward,for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. -- Leonardo da Vinci 1452 - 1519 University of Oklahoma College of Medicine Class of 2009 UPMC Mercy Transitional Internship West Virginia University - Diagnostic Radiology

05-20-2007, 09:03 AM	#37
Member 57596 Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 95	Here's a page an intern got once that always makes me chuckle: "Mrs. X is rubbing applesauce on her chest. Please advise."

05-20-2007, 02:21 PM	#38
Member 87716 Avec caféine. Status: Attending Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: South of disorder. Posts: 8,965	CC: "I need a rectal." The guy was a frequent flyer, always with the same CC. The only pathology he had was psychiatric. His chart always stayed in the rack for a loooong time. __________________ "Every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle." - Thomas Jefferson

05-20-2007, 02:23 PM	#39
Member 50530 Saucy Status: Resident Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: KNOTSville Posts: 4,466	"one of my labia is bigger than the other" __________________ Forget..Regret...or life is yours to miss

05-20-2007, 04:25 PM	#40
Member 51212 CA-3 Status: Resident Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 464	"My kitty got the stank" (vaginitis) "There's a vine growing out of my jenny" (patient had stuck a potato up her hooha and left it there, and it actually sprouted)

05-20-2007, 05:56 PM	#41
Member 95618 Junior Member Status: Resident Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 928	In pediatrics CC: "my baby done drank a strawberry douche" __________________ Work smart, not hard. -Greg House MD

05-20-2007, 08:20 PM	#43
Member 51212 CA-3 Status: Resident Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 464	I know! Fertile, indeed.

05-21-2007, 03:53 AM	#44
Member 78390 Banned Status Health Student Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: A bar room in Mombasa drinking gin Posts: 9,796	Patient: "I've got a pager up my ass" Triage Nurse: "Excuse me?"