Funniest Chief Complaints

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"Doc you gotta take this thing out or my penis will swallow it whole!!!" - pt referring to his catheter

Me: So who should we put down for your primary contact?

Pt: "Justin Timberlake"

Gotta love Psych

Originally Posted by pristine21

"Doc you gotta take this thing out or my penis will swallow it whole!!!" - pt referring to his catheter

phallus dentis?

Hot 25 year old girl.

Pt: I am bleeding.
Me: where?
Pt: from my genitals
Me: when did this start?
Pt: I was doing chores around the house naked and my ring got caught on something and was ripped out.
Me: Damn......

Originally Posted by theOne3

Translation: I got hepatitis from sharing heroin needles, but how about a nice story ...

Doubtful. She was also a returned Mormon missionary (strict Mormons eschew even coffee) who was very active in church. I am not sure why you would make such a jaded pessimistic comment. Its not like she was part of some lifestyle at high risk for narcotic abuse like being an anesthesiologist.

Originally Posted by Doowai

Doubtful. She was also a returned Mormon missionary (strict Mormons eschew even coffee) who was very active in church. I am not sure why you would make such a jaded pessimistic comment. Its not like she was part of some lifestyle at high risk for narcotic abuse like being an anesthesiologist.

I think they call these "Jack-Mormons".

Two from the ER last night:

1. 101 year old female ground level fall, L rib pain...She came in alone because she has outlived her entire family...including her 13 children!


2. 25yo male comes in with his mother who says, "He's got blue balls and blood in his ejaculate."

Not kidding.

Originally Posted by digitlnoize

Two from the ER last night:

1. 101 year old female ground level fall, L rib pain...She came in alone because she has outlived her entire family...including her 13 children!

That's incredible. Is she going to be OK?

Originally Posted by digitlnoize

2. 25yo male comes in with his mother who says, "He's got blue balls and blood in his ejaculate."

Not kidding.

I... don't even want to think about what goes on in that family.

ETA: Were they from Home, PA by any chance?

Originally Posted by Kittenmommy

That's incredible. Is she going to be OK?

I don't know. She did have a bunch of rib fractures, but they weren't too bad really...She seems pretty tough for 101, but you never know...She could get some pneumonia or something else...

I thought of that X-files episode too!

Originally Posted by digitlnoize

I don't know. She did have a bunch of rib fractures, but they weren't too bad really...She seems pretty tough for 101, but you never know...She could get some pneumonia or something else...

That would be a shame.

Originally Posted by digitlnoize

I thought of that X-files episode too!

Inorite? That was one freaky episode!

27 year old male found passed out drunk outside of a bar and hauled in to the county ER:
"I'm not paying for this"

"Owner suspects pancreatitits relapse"

CC: "I fell of the roof"
Translation: I had my period.lol

Originally Posted by Lamborghini1315

CC: "I fell of the roof"
Translation: I had my period.lol

This actually isn't the first time I've heard that one, believe it or not. I think it may have been more common back when my grandmother was young.

bump

Here's two from the other day:

CC: Sword in leg

and


CC: Failure


The sword thing was just someone hanging up their swords and backed into one by accident...got all cut up.

I didn't see the "failure" pt, but I assume it was just a triage mistake...they probably meant to type "failure to thrive/urinate/etc" or something, and messed up...

still funny though.

Originally Posted by digitlnoize

CC: Failure


The sword thing was just someone hanging up their swords and backed into one by accident...got all cut up.

I didn't see the "failure" pt, but I assume it was just a triage mistake...they probably meant to type "failure to thrive/urinate/etc" or something, and messed up...

still funny though.

Could be a psych thing.

Yeah...it was even funnier that the pt right above the "failure"...their CC was "depression". So we had "depression" followed by "failure"...ah, good times...

CC: (won't tell nurse)
Student:"So what brings you here today?"
Patient (70y/o,m): "Well, since my wife died, I have to do everything myself, you understand?"
Student:"Um, not really, what symptoms are you having?"
Patient:"I have a cucumber stuck in my butt."

Originally Posted by Blondbondgirl

CC: (won't tell nurse)
Student:"So what brings you here today?"
Patient (70y/o,m): "Well, since my wife died, I have to do everything myself, you understand?"
Student:"Um, not really, what symptoms are you having?"
Patient:"I have a cucumber stuck in my butt."

Let me guess... The first time he's made a salad since she passed?

I've got apathy in my legs.

Originally Posted by dantay

Let me guess... The first time he's made a salad since she passed?

Good chief complaints on psych is like shooting fish in a barrel.
That said...

Me: What brought you in today?
Patient: "My depression is acting up. I need more xanax"
(is that like the ol knee is acting up in cold weather?)

Me: What brought you in today?
Patient: My arms hurt so bad. Can you write me a prescription for medical marijuana?
(Perhaps it was good he was at the psychiatrist.)

Me (on inpatient pysch): So, can you tell me what led up to your admission here?
Patient: I'm f*#@ing crazy.
(Patient got up and walked away.)

CC: Pain in my virginia (Trich)

CC: I need a techno shot (needed to update his tetanus)

Most of my off-the-wall ones are from psych (So incredibly unbelievably entertaining):

CC: (In the ED) "I have cuts on my thighs that won't stop bleeding"
Actual: Pt. had multiple deep lacerations on both thighs in a claw-like pattern. Of course when the ER doc mentions that it looked like it's from an animal, the patient goes "Yea, I like to f*** turkeys".
Immediate consult to psych. I would have never believed it if I didn't see it.

CC: "I can't stop wheeling-off to firetrucks"
Actual: Pt. had uncontrollable obsession with firetrucks, bad enough that it made him late to work 3 times in the past month when one drove by each time he was catching the bus.

CC: (In the ED) "I fell on my son's Power-Ranger in the shower"
Actual: Guy had the red Power Ranger action figure stuck in his rectum, which ever so conveniently insterted itself when he "fell in the shower". Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggghhhhhhttt

Here are my meager contributions:

"Doc, I have emphysema on my legs" translation: eczema. This patient was later heard telling other patients that he had leprosy

"I have urine coming out my rectum". Translation: diarrhea

"I need virgonda cream for my pootie-tang". Translation: I am a 78-year-old grandmother and I have a yeast infection. She also described her constipation as "My dookie-balls just aint marchin' out".

From a psych patient, but not as a chief complaint: "I did attend Diabolical Behavior Therapy groups in the past."

Hope this makes ya laugh!

Originally Posted by DocVirk

From a psych patient, but not as a chief complaint: "I did attend Diabolical Behavior Therapy groups in the past."

This made me think of the Master from Doctor Who!

Funniest I've heard from a friend:

CC: "It look like I got fo (four) nutz! Then I showed my wife, and she was like, "DAYM it do look like you got fo nutz!"

Pt had bilateral inguinal hernias

Some of my personal favorites
me: so what brought you here
pt: tried to commit suicide
me: what was your means?
pt: I smoked a pound and a half of weed

me: what brought you here today
pt: My feet!
me: I mean, why did you come to the EC
pt: I was trying to find a toilet

schizophrenic pt with explosive diarrhea

me: so Mr. guy, why did you throw your soiled depends at your roommate the other day?
pt: I thought he had a gun and I was afraid he'd shoot my mother. She's gonna come in and bite my testicles off. She likes giving oral sex.

uhhhh huh...

"What brought you in today?"

"I cut off my testicles"

"Where are they?"

"I tossed them out the window on the way to emerg"

And it was true!

Actual CC as it was written in chart for Neuro consult:

CC - Patient was kicked in head by horse and had a MVA.

Does this mean the patient was kicked in the Head by the horse while driving and subsequently crashed his car?

Or was he kicked in the head, tried to drive and subsequently crashed?

Or were the two events separated temporally and not related in causality.

We were taken bets. I was hoping for option #1. It turned out to be the Last option.

Thanks for the laughs everyone. Keep up the good works and keep the stories coming.

Had a psych pt. In on petition.

She told me that she was in the hospital because:

The mafia and the US Mint are conspiring to steal my millions and there are people who are imposterating me and stealing my identity so they can get my money.

Originally Posted by Thrice

Actual CC as it was written in chart for Neuro consult:

CC - Patient was kicked in head by horse and had a MVA.

Does this mean the patient was kicked in the Head by the horse while driving and subsequently crashed his car?

Or was he kicked in the head, tried to drive and subsequently crashed?

Or were the two events separated temporally and not related in causality.

We were taken bets. I was hoping for option #1. It turned out to be the Last option.

Or maybe it was a typo and they meant he had a CVA. But MVA is funnier.

The chief complaint isn't funny, but the attending is-

7yo boy with 1 month history of polydipsia, polyuria. Comes in because 1 day history of fever, abdominal pain, nausea/vomiting. UA shows ketones greater than the machine can read, and proteinuria; negative for WBC and leuk esterase.

Attending: This patient has UTI and gatroenteritis. I will tell the mother to wait for the UTI to go away, and then we will do a renal ultrasound [because we own an ultrasound machine].
Me: Do you think we should get a fingerstick?
Attending: HX, this is NOT how diabetes insipidus presents!

----

I'm not kidding you.

Later that day, I am fearful for the child's life so I look back through his chart to see if maybe there is something that will re-assure me he's not going to go into DKA and die.

----

Me: I see here that he was in 3 months ago and had a UA that showed 100 of glucose in the urine.
Attending: Now that's not very much... do you know what normal is!??!
Me: Um... zero.
Attending: Oh yes, well, for urine. Well our machine just does that sometimes. Especially if they just ate.


Really!!?!

Histio,

This is absurd, and a potential medicolegal nightmare of a physician. You know, with breast cancer, the most common legal consequences occur when breast cancer is missed. And this usually happens in the context of a practitioner who is doing a breast exam specifically looking for a lump, or looking at a mammogram to specifically try to find a mass palpated on exam. Now imagine how you would defend yourself in court if the radiologist already told you there was a lump there, and you still failed to decide to treat?

Likewise, in your story, the diagnosis was essentially given to her. If the machine shows 100x normal ketones in the urine... guess what? The patient is in ketoacidosis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The diagnosis was already made for her, she still failed to see it, went out of her way to make up another 2 diagnoses, with hopes to use her clinic machines, and then humiliating her medical student for actually being right and possibly saving the patient or improving his morbidity.

You should report this attending to your medical school.... if not because she will likely lose her license to something stupid in the near future, then because there is clearly very little that a third year student will be learning from her expertise... or lack thereof

Originally Posted by Mental Gymnast

Histio,

This is absurd, and a potential medicolegal nightmare of a physician. You know, with breast cancer, the most common legal consequences occur when breast cancer is missed. And this usually happens in the context of a practitioner who is doing a breast exam specifically looking for a lump, or looking at a mammogram to specifically try to find a mass palpated on exam. Now imagine how you would defend yourself in court if the radiologist already told you there was a lump there, and you still failed to decide to treat?

Likewise, in your story, the diagnosis was essentially given to her. If the machine shows 100x normal ketones in the urine... guess what? The patient is in ketoacidosis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The diagnosis was already made for her, she still failed to see it, went out of her way to make up another 2 diagnoses, with hopes to use her clinic machines, and then humiliating her medical student for actually being right and possibly saving the patient or improving his morbidity.

You should report this attending to your medical school.... if not because she will likely lose her license to something stupid in the near future, then because there is clearly very little that a third year student will be learning from her expertise... or lack thereof

Just curious... what makes you think the attending was a female?

And just to give them partial credit, he/she was right on it not being DI.

Amxcvbcv,

The thing that makes me think the attending is female is the fact that Histio described her as such in a previous post by referring to "Dr Royal Jelly" as "she."

Originally Posted by Mental Gymnast

Amxcvbcv,

The thing that makes me think the attending is female is the fact that Histio described her as such in a previous post by referring to "Dr Royal Jelly" as "she."

You are correct - this is about Dr. Royal Jelly (female) from the other post.

However, I would say her stupidity is so vast that it transcends gender.


And, yes, the fact that it wasn't DI was about the only thing she said that was correct the entire rotation! Maybe she thought I meant a fingerstick sodium...

Originally Posted by Mental Gymnast

Amxcvbcv,

The thing that makes me think the attending is female is the fact that Histio described her as such in a previous post by referring to "Dr Royal Jelly" as "she."

Ahh... At least it was based on reality instead of an assumption.

Originally Posted by Histiocytosis X

The chief complaint isn't funny, but the attending is-

7yo boy with 1 month history of polydipsia, polyuria. Comes in because 1 day history of fever, abdominal pain, nausea/vomiting. UA shows ketones greater than the machine can read, and proteinuria; negative for WBC and leuk esterase.

Attending: This patient has UTI and gatroenteritis. I will tell the mother to wait for the UTI to go away, and then we will do a renal ultrasound [because we own an ultrasound machine].
Me: Do you think we should get a fingerstick?
Attending: HX, this is NOT how diabetes insipidus presents!

----

I'm not kidding you.

Later that day, I am fearful for the child's life so I look back through his chart to see if maybe there is something that will re-assure me he's not going to go into DKA and die.

----

Me: I see here that he was in 3 months ago and had a UA that showed 100 of glucose in the urine.
Attending: Now that's not very much... do you know what normal is!??!
Me: Um... zero.
Attending: Oh yes, well, for urine. Well our machine just does that sometimes. Especially if they just ate.


Really!!?!

Sweet mother of jeebus.


Hematuria?

2 off the top of my head, just came off my EM month:

1. CC - "I have fever in my belly."
Me - What?
Pt - "FEVER! Feels like a fire in my bowels!" That one I had never heard before.
Translation - GERD

2. CC - "My testicles have been swollen for a week." This from a pt with chronic renal insufficiency, turns out he had anasarca and was so volume overloaded his scrotum and penis were massively swollen. What I loved was that he failed to mention the enormous swelling of his penis, he just mentioned the testicles. Like he didn't mind it.

I think she's on to something there...perhaps "Diabolical Behavioral Therapy" is more accurate than Dialectical Behavioral Therapy!

Originally Posted by V7109

I think she's on to something there...perhaps "Diabolical Behavioral Therapy" is more accurate than Dialectical Behavioral Therapy!

Hey, V, welcome. Have you checked out the other 2 threads?

Pt: My vajayjay hurts.

Me: I understand maam. But this isn't the gynecology clinic. This is the ER.

Pt: It hurts similar to the chest pain.

Admit. Cardiac enzymes. Stress test. Echo. Ugh.

Originally Posted by VonKarolinas

Hey, V, welcome. Have you checked out the other 2 threads?

Hey Von, Yes, I've been looking at all 3 threads, funny stuff! Thanks for the invitation. I kept a list of "bloopers" when I was doing chart review work in Home Health a few years back...when I find it (still unpacking) I'll have to come back and post some. I knew there was a good reason to keep up with those bloopers!

cc- I dont really hear voices, I just made that up to do my laundry
cc- my mom says I haven't been outside my room for 5 YEARS. !! ( true story)

CC: I am yellow.

29 y.o. white male who drank himself into hepatorenal failure. Yes, for the record he was big-bird yellow. Our attending even warned the team prior to our entering the room so no one commented or laughed.

Originally Posted by vtucci

CC: I am yellow.

29 y.o. white male who drank himself into hepatorenal failure. Yes, for the record he was big-bird yellow. Our attending even warned the team prior to our entering the room so no one commented or laughed.

How much did this guy drink??? 29???!

ha! medicine never seizes to amaze.

One I heard of:

"I have fireballs on my birthsack"

Translation: Uterine fibroids

"Why the f#@K did you intubate me!!??"

Not exactly CC but the other day I went in to a pt's room to introduce myself as I was going to supervise an intern doing an LP on an 80+ yo F with AMS and a bad case of "potty mouth." I introduced myself and asked her how she is doing and she said, "Ohh I'm just sitting here f...ing and sucking."