Funniest Chief Complaints

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Psych patient in ER came with the CC of "craving chocolate."

Two funny ones (the first one is not a CC though)

1. patient's chart in the ER says that they are allergic to: "elephants"
2. psych patient's CC was that she swallowed a marker because she was frustrated with coffee filters

My favorite was when I was on Peds ER and the mom stopped me to ask if I was also trained in adult medicine...which ended up being b/c she realized she left the plastic applicator of her tampon in all day and was now freaking out because she was worried she would "die" (verbatim)

Originally Posted by keepsmiling10

My favorite was when I was on Peds ER and the mom stopped me to ask if I was also trained in adult medicine...which ended up being b/c she realized she left the plastic applicator of her tampon in all day and was now freaking out because she was worried she would "die" (verbatim)

I can only assume she gave you air quotes with her fingers as she said adult ??

Cc: "my butt hurts"

pt admitted for I&D of MRSA positive decubitous ulcer/abscess.

Not a chief complaint, but I rounded on a patient this AM on general medicine that was demanding I bring her bottled water.

Just because you're 82 and address me as "dear" with poorly hidden contempt does not mean you get bottled water brought in by your doctor.

cc: gsw foot

HPI: 50 yo M went to pcp for reg sched apt. Pcp told pt that his foot tingling and numbness were due to his poor diabetes control. Pt became angry, left, stopped for a couple of beers, went home, pulled out his 20 gauge shotgun with 7 1/2 shot and blew a hole in his foot because "it was hurting"

PE: 7cm gsw to dorsum of foot, 9cm exit wound
Dorsalis pedis visible, intact. wad not visualized.

A/P:
-abx
-pain control
- I&D tonight
-likely amputation next week
-psych consult
- restrain wife, as she is really, really pssed right now

CC: "Are you a surgeon? I need a surgeon."
me: why do you need a surgeon?
pt: my arm fell off
me: your arm looks okay to me
pt: nope, that's not my arm my arm fell off

psych pt of course

CC: R knee pain
PSHx: R knee arthroscopy POD#5

Originally Posted by MDSchoolSequela

CC: "Are you a surgeon? I need a surgeon."
me: why do you need a surgeon?
pt: my arm fell off
me: your arm looks okay to me
pt: nope, that's not my arm my arm fell off

psych pt of course

How can you argue with that logic?

I just love reading this stuff.. Bump needed

"the virgin mary keeps ringing my doorbell"

reason for visit: "I need a doctor's note stating that I am sane."

on ROS-

Pt: "Whenever I touch a shopping cart i get shocked"

Me: "that is nothing to worry about"

Pt: "yea but when i call other people over to touch the shopping cart they don't get shocked, it only happens to me"

CC: "My coochie hurts"

Allergies: Coumadin, "makes me turn purple."

CC in OB/GYN clinic: "I'm bad at sex"

Another patient secondary CC at same clinic: "Is it normal not to have an orgasm from oral sex?"

schizo patient in ER
CC: i hurt my back bench pressing my car.

my advice: stop bench pressing your car

My dog is poisoning me.


Followed many other CCs, but this part of it just made it much more funny.

CC: "My stomach feels floopy."

peds can be fun.

Pediatric acute care clinic

cc:"keeps turning right"

I guess he's just not an ambiturner

Originally Posted by kdburton

Two funny ones (the first one is not a CC though)

1. patient's chart in the ER says that they are allergic to: "elephants"
2. psych patient's CC was that she swallowed a marker because she was frustrated with coffee filters

Someone fell in water from a height on trauma and said they were allergic to water. Tough life I would guess. Miraculous they were still alive.

Originally Posted by fleetgoddess

Someone fell in water from a height on trauma and said they were allergic to water. Tough life I would guess. Miraculous they were still alive.

Oddee.com's 10 People With Unbelievable Medical Conditions. Check out #5, The Girl Who Is Allergic To Water. Warning: Oddee.com is the biggest timesink since TVTropes.org, aka The Black Hole of The Internet. You have been warned!

(Oh, and they also have The 10 Worst Prescription Side Effects!)

Originally Posted by Kittenmommy

Oddee.com's 10 People With Unbelievable Medical Conditions. Check out #5, The Girl Who Is Allergic To Water. Warning: Oddee.com is the biggest timesink since TVTropes.org, aka The Black Hole of The Internet. You have been warned!

(Oh, and they also have The 10 Worst Prescription Side Effects!)

Ha I think I did read about that but its not really an allergy as there is no histamine release and is thought to be only due to nondistilled water. Can you imagine how expensive it would be to shower in distilled H2O. This lady was describing more of a problem with having drinking water which would actually be horrible lol.

Originally Posted by fleetgoddess

Ha I think I did read about that but its not really an allergy as there is no histamine release and is thought to be only due to nondistilled water. Can you imagine how expensive it would be to shower in distilled H2O. This lady was describing more of a problem with having drinking water which would actually be horrible lol.

That would be horrible.

CC: "I don't know why I'm here"

Originally Posted by Depakote

Cc: "my butt hurts"

pt admitted for I&D of MRSA positive decubitous ulcer/abscess.

There's no pus like butt pus!

In an urban FM practice:
CC - Can you write me a script for children's vitamins? That way my insurance* will cover it.





*she meant medicaid.

GSW resulting in finger amputation (5th digit) from cleaning his gun-at church (Pentecostal). Guess you gotta do snake control somehow.

Originally Posted by ParamedicMan

GSW resulting in finger amputation (5th digit) from cleaning his gun-at church (Pentecostal). Guess you gotta do snake control somehow.

This one is AWESOME!!!! Its like a Quentin Tarantino movie, definitely my favorite of the thread.

Dr & 3 other MS (2 females..this matters, just rd) in room w/ Px 58yo M

Dr: (while walking out of room) "I'll be right back, gonna go look at the Ejection Fraction"
Px: (looks at guys) "what he say about Ejaculation Fraction" (looks at girls) "ain't noooothing w/ my Ejaculation Fraction!"

Had a guy come into FM clinic and say "my penis is retreating into my body."

On pelvic exam, it looked exactly like he described.

Attending figured that some pelvic surgery that the patient had long time ago resulted in fibrotic tissue that was pulling on this man's penis. Urology referral ftw.

Originally Posted by eternalrage

Had a guy come into FM clinic and say "my penis is retreating into my body."

On pelvic exam, it looked exactly like he described.

Attending figured that some pelvic surgery that the patient had long time ago resulted in fibrotic tissue that was pulling on this man's penis. Urology referral ftw.

Psychiatric culture bound syndrome:

A man who suffers from koro, or genital retraction syndrome, is gripped by the fear that his penis is shrinking and gradually being absorbed by his body

"Gentile warts."

Alas, as the only Jew in the office, I was also the only one who thought this was funny.

Pt: Doc, my lungs are gone.
MS3: Well, where's the last place you had them?

MS3: What brings you in today?
Pt: Sometimes I get irritated, especially at work. You have no idea how stupid some customers' complaints can be.
MS3: I can imagine...

Originally Posted by SalseraDoctora

"Gentile warts."

Alas, as the only Jew in the office, I was also the only one who thought this was funny.

Originally Posted by fleetgoddess

Pediatric acute care clinic

cc:"keeps turning right"

I guess he's just not an ambiturner

But could he give you Blue Steel?

"Rash on penis with right wrist pain"

CC: acute onset 5mmx5mm area of numbness over the right tip of the tongue, that went away ~3min later after the patient put a clove of garlic under her tongue.

Dx: Thalamic infarct

CC: My poonanny smells like a zoo!!

It sure did

Not nearly as funny as the stuff everyone else posted, but my favorite is always:

CC: "I'm here 'cause my wife wouldn't stop nagging me 'till I came."


Other cute ones:

CC: "I'm here 'cause my doctor told me I had fibulations in my heart."
CC: "It's your fault I'm here."
CC: "Make me a sandwich."
CC: "Give me 5 bucks and I'll tell ya."

CC: "Doc I need to tell you something [5 min homicidal rant involving everyone who has ever wronged him. Including me. I met him 5 min before this.]"

35 year old woman in FP office

cc: "I have a penis"

After a pelvic exam an assurance that she did, in fact, have a vagina:

"I want a second opinion."

Can't please everyone.

CC: seeing little green men

CC: my stuffed puppy is alive and biting me everywhere

CC: there's a string coming from the ceiling w/eyes on it

Schizophrenia pt

During the height of snake season in south florida:

CC: Cottonmouth Snack Bite

I guess the clerk was hungry at the time.


Another time, one of the ER's frequent flyers, who is a deaf-mute, presented the clerk a suicide note.

CC: suicidal ideation

He goes back immediately and the doc sees him in less than 5 m. At this time, he hands the ER physician a new note, which reads:

Deer Doc,

My name is _____ _____ and I want to go home. I have a job to go to and a wife at home who need me. Plese dont Backer act me tonite.

Thank-U

He did not have time between triage and his exam to compose this second letter; I can only assume that he prepared both ahead of time. He leaves the ER with a final diagnosis of:

Acute ED Craving; Resolved

At urology clinic, on a post-op prostate cancer follow-up:

"I haven't had sex with my wife in 17 years"

I don't why it suddenly became a pressing need.

CC: N/V x4 days

HPI: 4 days ago I was having my hair done, the chemicals from the hair products went in my ears, down my throat and made me sick. I can still taste them.

Me: Are you sure you're not smelling them on your hair?

Pt: Don't condescend me boy.

Originally Posted by andiluvsk

TheRoach must have just purchased his/her first PDA.

Massage for a psych pt in student clinic:

Me: Hi ther Mr. X how are you?

Pt: I'm not Mr. X I killed him a long time ago.

Me: Okay no problem, what should I call you?

Pt: If I tell you, I'll have to kill you and the grocery store manager. I used to work for the grocery store and they gave my money to God.

Me: Ok. Can I see your Doctor's orders?

Pt oulls them out I note that he has frozen shoulder syndrome and suffers from frequent Headaches, then takes his forms back as I am writing and doing PA, eats the paper.

CC: I am impregnated by aliens.

During the hospital stay, pt (male) put himself in lithotomy position and proceeded to give birth to the aliens by defectating with such force that it hit the wall opposite the bed.

Originally Posted by spicedmanna

Allergies: Coumadin, "makes me turn purple."

True allergy "purple toe syndrome"