My Personal Statement...and I Got Accepted

SDN Members don't see this ad. (About Ads)

Very well written!

Any secondary samples for us, Panda?

My MOM was one of those dead HIV infected babies!

You insensitive as*hole




--- btw, the only thing better than that essay is your intern year blog... Need sleep? ... "f*ck you!"

You are my new favorite person...hahaha.

how do ppl aim to do well on Verbal if they can't even figure that this was purely for entertainment purpose and NOT REAL...

good job man...loved it...i completely agree with you

I love the essay, very awesome. How much free time do you have to write an entire full-length essay regarding sarcasm?

If it were real though, I can see the poor Adcom reading it, and then re-reading it, and then calling people to read it as well, trying to figure out if it's real or a practical joke!

what the heck? that's a CRAZY personal statement! i like it... but i'm really surprised that the adcom would also like it. it's just too insane...

Originally Posted by mindquick

what the heck? that's a CRAZY personal statement! i like it... but i'm really surprised that the adcom would also like it. it's just too insane...

"mindquick" are you sure about that?

Originally Posted by gleneagles3

"mindquick" are you sure about that?

???

sure about what?

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

Africa. Oh wretched continent! How long must you suffer? How long will you provide the venue to compensate for a low MCAT score? How many must die before I am accepted to a top-tier medical school?

“How about a condom, Hose,” I asked. The J, as you know, is pronounced like an H in Spanish.

As Maya Angelou once said, “All men (and womyn) are prepared to accomplish the incredible if their ideals are threatened.” I feel this embodies my philosophy best because the prospect of grad school is too horrible to contemplate.

Hilarious! This sounds like it belongs in The Onion!

needs more superman.

more cowbell

Bump

priceless....

I don't care what anyone thinks about this peace of SH.. but it was truley inspiring for me. I just added a new dimention to my PS

Originally Posted by Vido

I don't care what anyone thinks about this peace of SH.. but it was truley inspiring for me. I just added a new dimention to my PS

I'd suggest you get several people to proofread your personal statement.

Originally Posted by Vido

I don't care what anyone thinks about this peace of SH.. but it was truley inspiring for me. I just added a new dimention to my PS

i hope you're joking. and make sure you spell check your ps.

Originally Posted by Vido

I don't care what anyone thinks about this peace of SH.. but it was truley inspiring for me. I just added a new dimention to my PS

@ this guy getting inspired.

Copy. Paste. Submit. Med school here I come!

I wish I was on an admissions committee reading this. It'd be good entertainment to break up the monotony of the other PS's lol :P

Bump! This is great. I don't know what's more hilarious, the PS or the fact that some people thought it could possibly be legit

PandaBear

When did I first discover that I, myself, desired to be a doctor? Some come to the decision late in life, often not until the age of five. The non-traditional applicants might not know until they are seven or even, as hard as it is to believe, until the end of ninth grade.

Right...

I came, myself, to the realization that I, myself, wanted to be a doctor on the way through the birth canal when I realized that my large head was causing a partial third degree vaginal laceration.

LOL

Originally Posted by badapplestix

Copy. Paste. Submit. Med school here I come!

It wouldn't surprise me if there are a few special ones who c+p'd Panda's satire and submitted it in their app.

I felt fortunate to awaken from my weeks-long life-threatening coma in the Zimbabwe orphanage in which I was raised from infancy, until I realized the building was ablaze. After evacuating all the inhabitants including any stray insects who were drawn to the flames, I doused the fire with a water pump I had improvised from an old accordion bellows (on which I often played Bach fugues a la Albert Schweitzer) and a bamboo-like plant I had discovered in the jungle. I named the plant Medusa Abandona after my now forgiven American born mother, who forsook me in my cradle, only after it turned out to be an unknown genus and promised to have exciting anti-cancer medicinal qualities as well. When I was convinced that everyone in the orphanage was safe, I escaped the holocaust in the solar powered wheel chair I had developed to give myself more mobility after the unfortunate accident I had as a child, breaking my seventh vertebra while wrestling a lion that had terrorized the village.


When I was seven, the only doctor within a 300 mile radius took me under his wing. I shadowed him for ten years, which was quite difficult when you consider the dense jungle foliage and lack of sunlight at ground level. The fact that he was a witch doctor should in no way denigrate his skills nor the efficacy of his spells. If you accept me into your next medical class, I intend to teach my fellow students a series of hexes that will eliminate the need for Viagra, Allegra, Grecian Formula and Formula 409.


Most of my adolescence I spent draining swamps, eliminating mosquitoes and generally reducing the malarial plague in three contiguous countries in equatorial Africa. It was only after saving the lives of ten's of thousands of people that I decided to become a doctor in hope that over the course of my career I might be able to save just a few more. The journey to medicine was difficult. It was a choice between being a doctor and being a shoemaker, but after I taught everyone in my village how to make their own shoes there was no need to pursue this noble profession.
Harvard was reluctant to let me go after I got straight "A"s as the first graduate in their new correspondence bachelors degree program but with five majors and 12 books to my credit they finally acknowledged (see attached letter) that they had nothing left to teach me. My economics honors thesis was entitled "Grade Inflation at Harvard: The Great Hoax."
Given my academic prowess, imagine then how mortified I was to receive only a 44 aggregate AMCAS score. Those of you at AMCAS reading this, who may have contributed to writing the April exam, should be ashamed of yourselves. In the passage on "Halitosis" you referred to the sufferer as having "bad breadth". The patient could certainly be circumferentially challenged but I assumed a typo had been committed and that you meant he had "bad breath" and answered accordingly. My fellow hapless examinees' incorrect answers to question 39 should be stricken and the exam be recalibrated accordingly.


In short, becoming a doctor may seem humdrum and a come down compared to my life so far, but I am willing to unlearn a few things so I won't be so far ahead of my fellow medical classmates. And don't worry about my disability; I can still perform an angioplasty and thread several needles while doing 500 one-armed finger pushups.

omgosh

You used contractions in your PS and still got in?

Originally Posted by Somethingmore

....Right...

Dude.....

Panda- props on the essay. I actually liked it best for the use of "womyn" at the end. As the feminists would do anything to avoid being associated with 'men'

I've noticed you mentioned before that becoming a doctor isn't worth the "emotional capital". I don't know exactly what you mean by that. Most people would say it isn't worth the time, the effort, or the cash. I found it curious you would say not worth the "emotional capital"...

Originally Posted by Strength&Speed

Panda- props on the essay. I actually liked it best for the use of "womyn" at the end. As the feminists would do anything to avoid being associated with 'men'

I've noticed you mentioned before that becoming a doctor isn't worth the "emotional capital". I don't know exactly what you mean by that. Most people would say it isn't worth the time, the effort, or the cash. I found it curious you would say not worth the "emotional capital"...

Look, suppose you go into the hospital every day and not only give "110 percent" but become deeply involved not only with your patient's problems but also with the dysfunctional residency training system. When you go home at night you will be exhausted and, as one of my friends put it, "have nothing left to give" to your family, your friends and any other thing in your life that used to be important. You have used up all of your emotional capital, the total amount of energy you have to deal with people, and have nothing left.

Likewise, when you apply to medical school most people become obsessed with not only medical school but the application process itself which explains the puzzling phenomenon of MDapps. No doubt this is necessary because medical school application is getting goofier and more insane every year and it requires almost total devotion from a pre-med student, most of whom are identical conformabots, to differentiate themselves from everybody else. As a result the de facto admission requirements keep escalating and are getting sillier and sillier. I fully expect that in ten years a medical degree from a third world country will be a requirement for admission to an American medical school.

And yet, one day you will discover that medicine is largely an incredibly crappy job with few emotional rewards and those are highly transient. You will also discover that a large part of your day is spent doing things that are absolutely useless, that many of your patients don't really need to be seen by the school nurse let alone you, and that most of the two-trillion bucks we spend every year on medical care is completely wasted. Except that medicine still pays pretty well, it would not be worth the "emotional capital" that we spend trying to secure a career in it.

Trust me.

Oh, and the point of my mock essay (it's a joke dammit), if there is a point, is that most of your personal statements stink because most of you write like retarded politically correct bureaucrats, covering as you do all of the required topics of the orthodox left.

"Diversity." "Patient Advocacy." "Underserved." "Selflessly sacrificing to help the dark-skinned people in the dusty, hot countries." "Weeping that the poor have no access to health care." "Promising to devote your life selflessly to Hippocrates." "Overcoming a disadvantaged youth."

It's all there all the time and not one essay I have ever read has ever even breathed a hint of the reality that most of you just think being a doctor would be kind of cool and they make decent money.

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

Oh, and the point of my mock essay (it's a joke dammit)

wait, what?

Shock or Disbelief
Denial
Bargaining
Guilt
Anger
Depression
Acceptance and Hope

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

It's all there all the time and not one essay I have ever read has ever even breathed a hint of the reality that most of you just think being a doctor would be kind of cool and they make decent money.

Nothing would have pleased me more than to write such an essay. Not such a smart gambit if you want to get in, however.

If the adcoms want to call a truce on ridiculous personal statements, I'm sure the pre-meds of the world would breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Originally Posted by WellWornLad

Nothing would have pleased me more than to write such an essay. Not such a smart gambit if you want to get in, however.

If the adcoms want to call a truce on ridiculous personal statements, I'm sure the pre-meds of the world would breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Well, no. If you could write a simple, elegant, and brief essay about something that is important to you without the usual catalog of mostly superficial achievements and without the smarmy duckspeak you would stand out. Suppose you have done some interesting research. Gently remind the reader that you are interested in a medical career, explain the relevance of your research, and describe it simply but completely using less than your alloted 5300 characters. Good Lord. I am 44, have done a few things in life, and I can write my complete biography, at least all that anybody really needs to know, in a less than two thousand characters and that would be a stretch. I am not really that interesting or unique and most of you aren't either.

The problem is that most of you suffer from a lack of a true liberal education and have no experience editing your own writing for voice, economy, and clarity. Not to mention you are surrounded by insufferable diversity and compassion bureaucrats while in college and high school and cannot help but adopt the ponderous, overly verbose style of expression that is the norm in academia, particularly among those with nothing really important or original to convey.

When in doubt, avoid this highly contrived, cringe-inducing writing style suitable only for the minutes of a politburo meeting and instead use simple, direct sentences.

Typical personal statement"

"Blah blah blah blah diversity blah blah blah blah passion blah blah blah blah condescension to the poor blah blah blah blah amazing blah blah blah blah passion blah blah blah blah tolerance blah blah blah blah blah blah diversity blah blah blah blah blah blah dying grandmother blah blah blah, etc."

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

Well, no. If you could write a simple, elegant, and brief essay about something that is important to you without the usual catalog of mostly superficial achievements and without the smarmy duckspeak you would stand out. Suppose you have done some interesting research. Gently remind the reader that you are interested in a medical career, explain the relevance of your research, and describe it simply but completely using less than your alloted 5300 characters. Good Lord. I am 44, have done a few things in life, and I can write my complete biography, at least all that anybody really needs to know, in a less than two thousand characters and that would be a stretch. I am not really that interesting or unique and most of you aren't either.

The problem is that most of you suffer from a lack of a true liberal education and have no experience editing your own writing for voice, economy, and clarity. Not to mention you are surrounded by insufferable diversity and compassion bureaucrats while in college and high school and cannot help but adopt the ponderous, overly verbose style of expression that is the norm in academia, particularly among those with nothing really important or original to convey.

When in doubt, avoid this highly contrived, cringe-inducing writing style suitable only for the minutes of a politburo meeting and instead use simple, direct sentences.

Typical personal statement"

"Blah blah blah blah diversity blah blah blah blah passion blah blah blah blah condescension to the poor blah blah blah blah amazing blah blah blah blah passion blah blah blah blah tolerance blah blah blah blah blah blah diversity blah blah blah blah blah blah dying grandmother blah blah blah, etc."

That's the problem. Premeds are all the same, they're all motivated to go into medicine for essentially the same reasons, they all have the same personality traits and they are all "fascinated" by one thing or another. The traits that make them different from the general population make them identical to the other 50,000 pre-meds applying that year.

Barring something completely outrageous or off the wall, how is the personal statement of one pre-med going to differentiate him from another?

I think this thread deserves to be immortalized forever, now that Panda Bear's blog is no longer accessible and this is the only authorized source for this amazing personal statement. so... BUMP :P Of course, all the links on pandabearmd.com are now odd broken links to SDN, so maybe they're moving the blog over here for storage.

Back on topic, we all do what we need to to jump through the flaming hoops set up by the adcoms. Even Panda Bear has said that he talked about how his wife's obstetrician was an "inspiration" to him in his personal statement. I used all 5300 characters of my personal statement, because I *could* and knew that my competition would be doing the same, or nearly the same. Honestly, if a random person asked me in the middle of the street why I wanted to be a doctor, and to tell him about my activities, I would most likely give a much shorter answer that was a lot less touchy-feely. But you know what? If I wrote a personal statement like that, and didn't participate in any extracurriculars that bored me, my chances to get in would be lower. I'm not about to eat a poop hotdog to get in, but writing 5300 characters of flowery bullcrap? Easy. And when I get in, I'll probably end up phrasing things in the right way to get into residency, and then to get a job. Its how the world works unfortunately, and if all that mattered was our personal merit, life would be a lot simpler. Theres just not enough seats in med school, or anywhere for that matter, for that to ever be possible.

Since when did the personal statement become Creative Writing 1301? Seriously, don't try to be Shakespeare, just be yourself and tell who you are.

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

Typical personal statement"

"Blah blah blah blah diversity blah blah blah blah passion blah blah blah blah condescension to the poor blah blah blah blah amazing blah blah blah blah passion blah blah blah blah tolerance blah blah blah blah blah blah diversity blah blah blah blah blah blah dying grandmother blah blah blah, etc."

I would imagine that if you were condescending to the poor in your personal statement you probably would be rejected?

Originally Posted by Shinken

I would imagine that if you were condescending to the poor in your personal statement you probably would be rejected?

Well, it's not overt condescension, it's more of an acknowledgment that the poor are yucky and that by lowering themselves to work with the poor, the pre-med student has demonstrated the ability to make sacrifices needed to become a physician.

Originally Posted by Panda Bear

The problem is that most of you suffer from a lack of a true liberal education and have no experience editing your own writing for voice, economy, and clarity. Not to mention you are surrounded by insufferable diversity and compassion bureaucrats while in college and high school and cannot help but adopt the ponderous, overly verbose style of expression that is the norm in academia, particularly among those with nothing really important or original to convey.

When in doubt, avoid this highly contrived, cringe-inducing writing style suitable only for the minutes of a politburo meeting and instead use simple, direct sentences.

Amen.

I stare into the eyes of the African baby who is suffering from HIV or dengue fever or something gross

My personal favorite part hahahaha.

Originally Posted by Depakote

Well, it's not overt condescension, it's more of an acknowledgment that the poor are yucky and that by lowering themselves to work with the poor, the pre-med student has demonstrated the ability to make sacrifices needed to become a physician.

Yeah, exactly. I often hear people talk about "poor folk" in a manner that, to me, is reminiscent of Discovery Channel episodes on New Guinean tribes or something like that. They may mean well when they say what they say, but it sure is demeaning.

Your essay is sure unique! But why d'you post in public like this ?

Congrats for being accepted!

Originally Posted by Maruko

Your essay is sure unique! But why d'you post in public like this ?

Congrats for being accepted! Now you're a resident huh? Which school, btw ? :P

Oh my god! You're serious right? Don't you know that the poster, Panda Bear likes to make things up?

i dont think the essay's brilliance is found in the content. its power is how it revealed just how many premeds have absolutely NO common sense

seriously - if you honestly thought that was a real PS, maybe you should drop out of that o-chem 2 class, kaplan mega MCAT review, volunteering at the ER, and just sit in a chair in your room for 1 hour and THINK. just sit and THINK. what the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, I posted that when I was reading the 2nd paragraph. Now I've finished reading: some paragraphs made it sound real but I realized it's NOT when he wrote "at five I was teaching first-graders..." and "condoms would prevent HIV" to an already-acquired patient, "Negro", etc.

PS: wonder how long it took Panda to write this

Originally Posted by Maruko

Oh, I posted that when I was reading the 2nd paragraph. Now I've finished reading: some paragraphs made it sound real but I realized it's NOT when he wrote "at five I was teaching first-graders..." and "condoms would prevent HIV" to an already-acquired patient, "Negro", etc.

4th line - “Pass me another baby, I think this one has died.” I lay the dead infant in the pile by my feet.

Originally Posted by Maruko

Oh, I posted that when I was reading the 2nd paragraph. Now I've finished reading: some paragraphs made it sound real but I realized it's NOT when he wrote "at five I was teaching first-graders..." and "condoms would prevent HIV" to an already-acquired patient, "Negro", etc.

PS: wonder how long it took Panda to write this

wait... so all that and the chronology was what gave it away?

This is a spam

Originally Posted by Depakote

wait... so all that and the chronology was what gave it away?

maybe the word "negro". no one would REALLY use such a yucky term in a PS would they?

Sometimes I wonder how many clueless premeds would have written a similarly outlandish, over the top essay had Panda Bear had kept insisting that it was for real and passed it off as being the essay that he used to get admitted to Duke.

Originally Posted by Lukkie

i dont think the essay's brilliance is found in the content. its power is how it revealed just how many premeds have absolutely NO common sense

x2

Its sad (yet hilarious) to me how many future professionals (who are children of professionals) are so freaking ridiculously sheltered.