Funniest Chief Complaints

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Other options are:

- foley above the object to break the vacuum, blow up the balloon and drag back
- sigmoidoscope, inflate with bellows
- conscious sedation sometimes allows enough relaxation
- those suction things for obstetrics (forget the name)
- obstetric forceps
- laparotomy (which is what I had to do when faced with one of these patients)

Originally Posted by LadyWolverine

If the object is THAT big, how do you get the NGT past it in the first place?

The rectum is quite extensible (as is the large bowel)...unlikely that a lubricated NGT or Foley wouldn't be able to get past any sort of FB.

Originally Posted by kronickm

"I've lost two of my fingers."

Guy walked in to the ED calmer then hell, "I Lost two of my fingers."

Triage nurse: (unable to see his hand at first) "That's too bad sir, where did they go"

Guy: "I think they fell into the table saw" (revealing his hand missing pinky and ring finger to the nurse)

Nurse: "Holy Crap"

Guy: "Yeah I figured I should at least get it checked out" <-- best part

That's the most hilarious one so far.

Our team, which includes 5 residents who are IMGs, woke up a patient during rounds:

Resident: Do you know where you are sir?
Patient: [looking around the room at all of them, then thinking really hard] Well...I think this might not be right...but I want to say that I'm in India. I have no idea how I would have gotten here though...

The whole team started cracking up.

=====================
Me: Have you ever had an episode like this before?
Pt: Yeah and I came here and got some Provolone and it cleared right up.

=====================
Pt: My chest pain is gone now, can I leave?
Me: We are just waiting for some more of your test results.
Pt: No, I really need to leave right now.
Me: Why is that?
Pt: I'm going to a party with Elvis tomorrow night and I have to get to Graceland today to get everything ready. I don't want him to get there and everthing to be in shambles. Its going to be my debutante ball. Its real important for everything to be perfect.
Me: Uhh...

This was on the medicine service and there was no indication of any psych issues up until this point.

======================
On the psych service:

Me: I just talked to your brother and he will be here tomorrow to talk with the doctor.
Pt: I don't have a brother.
Me: Your don't remember your twin brother, Mike? [the pt lived with him]
Pt: Oh, him. Well I killed him in 1976 and cut him up into a bunch of pieces, stirred it in acid and then buried them. So if you talked to him, that means he came up and got all back together. You just can't trust someone like that, you know what I mean?

Originally Posted by Winged Scapula

Other options are:

- foley above the object to break the vacuum, blow up the balloon and drag back
- sigmoidoscope, inflate with bellows
- conscious sedation sometimes allows enough relaxation
- those suction things for obstetrics (forget the name)
- obstetric forceps
- laparotomy (which is what I had to do when faced with one of these patients)

We could probably dedicate an entire thread just to "Funniest foreign bodies found in people's lower GI tracts"

Originally Posted by LadyWolverine

If the object is THAT big, how do you get the NGT past it in the first place?

Carefully.

Originally Posted by drdr2010

Our team, which includes 5 residents who are IMGs, woke up a patient during rounds:

Resident: Do you know where you are sir?
Patient: [looking around the room at all of them, then thinking really hard] Well...I think this might not be right...but I want to say that I'm in India. I have no idea how I would have gotten here though...

The whole team started cracking up.

=====================
Me: Have you ever had an episode like this before?
Pt: Yeah and I came here and got some Provolone and it cleared right up.

=====================
Pt: My chest pain is gone now, can I leave?
Me: We are just waiting for some more of your test results.
Pt: No, I really need to leave right now.
Me: Why is that?
Pt: I'm going to a party with Elvis tomorrow night and I have to get to Graceland today to get everything ready. I don't want him to get there and everthing to be in shambles. Its going to be my debutante ball. Its real important for everything to be perfect.
Me: Uhh...

This was on the medicine service and there was no indication of any psych issues up until this point.

======================
On the psych service:

Me: I just talked to your brother and he will be here tomorrow to talk with the doctor.
Pt: I don't have a brother.
Me: Your don't remember your twin brother, Mike? [the pt lived with him]
Pt: Oh, him. Well I killed him in 1976 and cut him up into a bunch of pieces, stirred it in acid and then buried them. So if you talked to him, that means he came up and got all back together. You just can't trust someone like that, you know what I mean?

That is f*cking hilarious.

HA I didn't realize that my post was going to get that many responses. Yeah in retrospect, we probably should have knocked the guy out to relax him instead of just saying try to "relax"....("and now you know"...) Anyway thanks everyone for the tips. I'm sure that won't be the last time I see one of these.

Man, I have just read through the whole thread, hilarious stuff!

My first patient on a rural medicine rotation: "I got run over by a bull and the guys at work told me to go to the doctor"

Turns out the guy works in the stockyards of a fast-food chain and feeds the cows, one of the bulls charged him when he wasn't looking and knocked him about 10 feet in the air and he landed on his right side. Ya gotta love tough old cowboys

CC: So I think I have pneumonia. (The 13 year old kid looks perfectly healthy)
Me: What makes you think that.
Pt: I have this cough.
Me: Well, tell me about it.
Pt: It's worse at school.
Me: Yep. I've got that too.

I just read through this whole thread and I was laughing so hard I started tearing up.

I'm just a second year so I don't have much to add, but earlier this year we had to interview psych patients and one of my patients accused me of stealing her vagina.

Originally Posted by DF38

I just read through this whole thread and I was laughing so hard I started tearing up.

I'm just a second year so I don't have much to add, but earlier this year we had to interview psych patients and one of my patients accused me of stealing her vagina.

Umm...really? Did she explain how she thought you might have done that?

pt: My eesss is druh-ipping
nurse: Excuse me?
pt: My @$$ is dripping
nurse: you have diarrhea?
pt: no gurl, it's like gruh-ease

*pt on orlistat/alli and was still eating her KFC, therefore the "grease" dripping from her bottom.

Originally Posted by PenguinHead

pt: My eesss is druh-ipping
nurse: Excuse me?
pt: My @$$ is dripping
nurse: you have diarrhea?
pt: no gurl, it's like gruh-ease

*pt on orlistat/alli and was still eating her KFC, therefore the "grease" dripping from her bottom.

wow...

on like 3 different levels

not really a chief complaint. Pt called my preceptor's office (OB/GYN), and conversation went like this:

Pt: I know i was suppose to come in today, and i know u will probably do a urine test

Nurse: yea

Pt: well, i was with my BF (who has chronic back pain and is on percocet)
and i gave him a bl*w job, and kinda swallowed.

Nurse: OK......?

Pt: i was wondering if it will show up in my urine.


I swear to GOD this is true!

Pt: "I'm gonna kill dat sumbitch"

(trauma patient; found down outside a club with multiple facial lacs and a broken extremity; subsequently went through DTs on the trauma floor and was a general joy to be around)

Pt: "I sees these monsters"
Me: "What do they look like?"
Pt: "Oprah Winfrey"
Me: "Must have been before the weight loss"
Psychiatrist: "Possibly, though a Whoopi Goldberg monster would be more believable"
Pt: Blank stare

Large male nurse walks into the common area and asks patient how he's doing. Pt subsequently punches him in the chest
Nurse: "What was that for?"
Pt: "I'm supposed to kill Jesus"
Me: "I guess he's Jewish now"
Pt: "F--- you Jesus" and tries to hit him again

(We all were very non-PC on this unit. I loved it, was so much fun)

The pt also thought that alarm clocks going off meant that Jesus was having sex.

The funniest part was that he actually did write his own rap songs, and actually performed a few for us one morning. I doubt I will ever hear anything as bizarre as a schizophrenic rap song ever again.

Originally Posted by HooahDOc

I doubt I will ever hear anything as bizarre as a schizophrenic rap song ever again.

Check out the musical stylings of this gentleman.

Originally Posted by Keg

Check out the musical stylings of this gentleman.

Well, this guy was also mild-moderate MR. On second thought, maybe he would make a great rap artist.

Originally Posted by Keg

Check out the musical stylings of this gentleman.

Oh hell, you beat me to it!

From a friend who is also a third year (sorry for the formatting, can't get it to change from facebook status mode):
"Patient standing in ER screaming, 'there's a man standing in my rectum. Vomiting Lucky Charms cereal.' Greatest chief complaint ever..."

"Honestly, I don't know why I'm here"


"I just want some of those 'tabs. The 7.5s work best"


Top those

Originally Posted by HooahDOc

Large male nurse walks into the common area and asks patient how he's doing. Pt subsequently punches him in the chest
Nurse: "What was that for?"
Pt: "I'm supposed to kill Jesus"
Me: "I guess he's Jewish now"
Pt: "F--- you Jesus" and tries to hit him again

(We all were very non-PC on this unit. I loved it, was so much fun)

The pt also thought that alarm clocks going off meant that Jesus was having sex.

The funniest part was that he actually did write his own rap songs, and actually performed a few for us one morning. I doubt I will ever hear anything as bizarre as a schizophrenic rap song ever again.

every time I hear stories like these I think I might enjoy my psych rotation.

In the OB resident's clinic, from a 1st trimester G1 on the nurse's intake sheet.

CC: nausea and fatigue


No kidding.................

I got one for you, from my OB/GYN rotation, 20wks preggo:

CC: abdominal pain

Not exciting. Dx wasnt either --> pain was MSK in origin. Why was this?

From sliding upside-down on a "dancers" pole at work. Guess what kind of work she did?

Originally Posted by Veg

In the OB resident's clinic, from a 1st trimester G1 on the nurse's intake sheet.

CC: nausea and fatigue


No kidding.................

maybe it was severe nausea and severe fatigue? I had a friend who was hospitalized after losing 15 pounds during her first trimester.

Originally Posted by TheProwler

maybe it was severe nausea and severe fatigue? I had a friend who was hospitalized after losing 15 pounds during her first trimester.

Short answer: No.
It was just funny b/c it described pregnancy so succinctly.

Winemaking? Peanutbutter factory?

Originally Posted by MSKalltheway

I got one for you, from my OB/GYN rotation, 20wks preggo:

CC: abdominal pain

Not exciting. Dx wasnt either --> pain was MSK in origin. Why was this?

From sliding upside-down on a "dancers" pole at work. Guess what kind of work she did?

Originally Posted by ForbiddenComma

This is not exactly a CC, but not sure where else to put it. I'm still a little nonplussed.

Happy, healthy 2 mo old in for a routine check, with her happy, healthy, mid-20s mom.

Me: "Were there any complications during the pregnancy?"
Her: "Nope, everything went fine."
Me: "Any hypertension, diabetes?"
Her: "No"
Me: "And your C-section was planned? Any problems there?"
Her: "They said my baby was too big for the birth canal, that's all. It went fine."
Me: "Any other difficulties with the birth?"
Her: "No, not really."
Me: "So anything else happen?"
Her: "Well, I did go into cardiac arrest the next day."

Me: "......"

............

I'm wondering if she saved the best for last, just to see the look on my face.

That was also the first time I've actually asked the question: "So, how long were you down?"

LOoool.. i can imagine the look on your face

Originally Posted by MSKalltheway

I got one for you, from my OB/GYN rotation, 20wks preggo:

CC: abdominal pain

Not exciting. Dx wasnt either --> pain was MSK in origin. Why was this?

From sliding upside-down on a "dancers" pole at work. Guess what kind of work she did?

Gotta love those firefighters

Originally Posted by PenguinHead

Gotta love those firefighters

Ha!

Originally Posted by MSKalltheway

Gotta love those firefighters

What do you guys recommend for treating the burning that results from accidentally snorting red wine out of one's nose?

Originally Posted by Kittenmommy

What do you guys recommend for treating the burning that results from accidentally snorting red wine out of one's nose?

suck white wine up!!

Originally Posted by BoneNibbler

suck white wine up!!

...ow?

this is hilarious stuff lol can't wait!

Not CC's but kind of funny all the same. These are from the PMH's of some geriatric patients

-I have a painting of the four men of the valley in my heart (patent foramen ovale. This one took me a while to figure out).

-I have immaculate degeneration (macular degeneration)

Originally Posted by Teej

-I have immaculate degeneration (macular degeneration)

Is my mother-in-law your patient?

Originally Posted by Kittenmommy

Is my mother-in-law your patient?

Is she hiding out in the rural south?

Originally Posted by Teej

Is she hiding out in the rural south?

Um, no. Never mind!

Originally Posted by gstrub

How much did this guy drink??? 29???!

29 hepatorenal failure after 10 years of drinking about 24 beers/day.

CC: "I'm over 50, so Dr. _____ told me I need a colostomy."

I was working with a doc who did a lot of screening colonoscopies.

Not the funniest CC, but this thread could use a bump.

Originally Posted by Depakote

CC: "I'm over 50, so Dr. _____ told me I need a colostomy."

I was working with a doc who did a lot of screening colonoscopies.

Not the funniest CC, but this thread could use a bump.

On the contrary, that is quite funny.

Originally Posted by Depakote

CC: "I'm over 50, so Dr. _____ told me I need a colostomy."

I was working with a doc who did a lot of screening colonoscopies.

Not the funniest CC, but this thread could use a bump.

Tough love lessons in listening skills: Attending doc fills colostomy request and says, "Be careful what you wish for."

Dr: While we dont know for sure until we do a biopsy, I'm fairly certain you have a large lung tumor.

Pt: Doc, that just cant be. I was fine until I was attacked by my 7ft, 300lb African goat. I dont know what happened, but I think she was in heat.

CC: Attacked by a rooster

Funny complaint, fortunately just had a few scratches. Tetanus shot, good instructions re:s/s of infection and good to go. No word on the condition of the rooster.

Newborn pt presents to ED brought in by mom for "Down Syndrome like features."

Admitted to NICU. Mom wouldn't let anyone examine the kid (including basic physical exam), do any test, or anything. We in the NICU couldn't figure out 1) Why go to the ER for Down Syndrome -- why not go to your PCP? 2) Why even go to the hospital if you don't want anything done? 3) We, the NICU team, wondered why this kid was even admitted, and why to the NICU, not the floor. We did nothing, except provide an expensive room.

Originally Posted by Ashers

Newborn pt presents to ED brought in by mom for "Down Syndrome like features."

Admitted to NICU. Mom wouldn't let anyone examine the kid (including basic physical exam), do any test, or anything. We in the NICU couldn't figure out 1) Why go to the ER for Down Syndrome -- why not go to your PCP? 2) Why even go to the hospital if you don't want anything done? 3) We, the NICU team, wondered why this kid was even admitted, and why to the NICU, not the floor. We did nothing, except provide an expensive room.

Wow. I cannot believe there isn't more behind that. Were the ER docs afraid she was a threat to the child or had possibly done something to injure him/her?

Originally Posted by Ashers

Newborn pt presents to ED brought in by mom for "Down Syndrome like features."

Admitted to NICU. Mom wouldn't let anyone examine the kid (including basic physical exam), do any test, or anything. We in the NICU couldn't figure out 1) Why go to the ER for Down Syndrome -- why not go to your PCP? 2) Why even go to the hospital if you don't want anything done? 3) We, the NICU team, wondered why this kid was even admitted, and why to the NICU, not the floor. We did nothing, except provide an expensive room.

Wow...to the NICU? Most places I'm familiar with, if baby has left the hospital, you don't get a NICU warmer, to the floor or PICU with it! Although as a future peds intensivist...I can only imagine my befuddlement if a 3 day old showed up in my unit for Down's...

Middle aged white female presents to ED for various general complaints of LBP, HA, and possibly syncope and for whatever reason is admitted, nothing acute going on. So I'm doing my H&P for the IM service when she says, "Basically all my problems are due to the fact that I'm a product of incest."

Originally Posted by Depakote

Wow. I cannot believe there isn't more behind that. Were the ER docs afraid she was a threat to the child or had possibly done something to injure him/her?

If they thought that, they didn't tell us. This was mom's 4th kid. We were all quite confuzzled with the whole admission. Mom didn't sleep the whole time the baby was there -- 2 days to make sure that no one did anything to the baby.

I guess the only thing that why the baby might've been admitted would've been for the potential of a heart defect if it was a Downs kid. We didn't find anything wrong, and left the evaluation of Downs for the PCP

Originally Posted by BigRedBeta

Wow...to the NICU? Most places I'm familiar with, if baby has left the hospital, you don't get a NICU warmer, to the floor or PICU with it! Although as a future peds intensivist...I can only imagine my befuddlement if a 3 day old showed up in my unit for Down's...

Kids can be admitted to the NICU if they're really little and if they have "neonatal issues." The PICU takes the heart kids from the NICU shortly before they go to the OR.

Basically what we did for this kid was weigh it a couple of times after mom breast fed -- we weren't allowed to give formula, we weren't allowed to start an IV, and we had to say how important it was for a couple of labs.