Starting residency at 30, no spouse or kids but really want a family :(

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Hi everyone,

I'm new to SDN and am impressed by the outpouring of support and opportunity for discussion on this forum...

As my title says, I just turned 30 and will be starting intern year this summer. I've been in multiple serious relationships over the last decade and a half but am currently single (have been so for the last 1.5 years) and don't have any new prospects that I can foresee (I don't anticipate on having any time/energy to meet new people/date during intern year; furthermore, after intern year is over, I'll be starting residency at a small-program with 11/class, 70% of whom are already married based on what current residents there have told me). I don't mean to be overly dramatic and I don't mean to catastrophize my situation, nor can anyone ever predict the future (in my experience, relationships tend to 'happen' when you least expect them); but I feel like I've hit "a wall" that many women at this age do...and am afraid that my opportunities for marriage/family are dwindling, fast.

As far as life balance goes, I know that some are better at it than others. I've seen classmates of mine get married and/or pregnant during med school and residents who have done the same. That said, I personally cannot see myself being able to do that; if I couldn't handle a serious relationship during medical school, how am I supposed to do so during residency, let alone with marriage and kids? (kudos to those of you who are able to do so; I honestly don't know how you do it!). Best case scenario is if I meet someone after residency, but by then I'll be in my mid-30s and well...we all know the stats on pregnancy with aging. Should I give up the idea of ever having a family/kids and focus 100% on my career at this point? Or should I consider freezing my eggs or adopting in the future?...

The thought of living out the rest of my life single and alone greatly saddens me...and makes me feel at a loss with regard to achieving my personal life goals.

Thanks in advance for any input or thoughts.

First of all, at 30 it's a bit early to start worrying about living out the rest of your life single and alone - especially since you've only been single for a year and a half. Even if it may seem differently to you right now, chances of you finding a new relationship are probably close to 100%.

Secondly, the next few years will be a perfect time to meet someone and slowly build a lasting relationship. Sure, you'll be busy - but since your career is in medicine, any man you have a relationship with will need to realize that and accept it anyway.

The fact that most of your colleagues will be married isn't necessarily a bad thing. You might not meet someone at work (who wants that kind of drama, anyway?), but social gatherings with your colleagues should give you the chance to meet lots of new people... possibly including the guy you end up starting a family with.

Of course, you will need to make some decisions, too. If starting a family is this important to you, you need to find a way to balance your priorities if someone comes along. Work is great, but if you want to have a life next to it, balancing it with other parts of your life is essential. While that can be hard (and quite likely involves passing up on some hours of sleep), it's by no means impossible... not even for you.

So really, try to worry a little less, see what comes along, and make time for the good things in life. You're still young, and you have far more opportunities to get all the things you want than you might think right now.

Thanks for the response TDX, I really appreciate your feedback.

Originally Posted by TDX

First of all, at 30 it's a bit early to start worrying about living out the rest of your life single and alone - especially since you've only been single for a year and a half. Even if it may seem differently to you right now, chances of you finding a new relationship are probably close to 100%.

That may be true - looking back at my med school years, there were several (5+) guys in my class (and 3+ outside of my class) who were interested in dating me - something that I completely did not expect. That said, of those who expressed an interest, I only ended up dating two of them, and found both of them grossly incompatible with me. There may be opportunities to start new relationships, but I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I'm looking for someone who is the right partner *for me*, and after several long-term relationships, I'm starting to think I may never find that person. It also gets harder the older you get, because even though it's in your favor to have a clear idea of the type of partner you're looking for, knowing that also makes you more stubborn/picky, and less willing to settle for anything less...making the pool of potential, datable people less than it may appear.

Originally Posted by TDX

Secondly, the next few years will be a perfect time to meet someone and slowly build a lasting relationship. Sure, you'll be busy - but since your career is in medicine, any man you have a relationship with will need to realize that and accept it anyway.

I completely agree, which is why.... (see below)

Originally Posted by TDX

The fact that most of your colleagues will be married isn't necessarily a bad thing. You might not meet someone at work (who wants that kind of drama, anyway?), but social gatherings with your colleagues should give you the chance to meet lots of new people... possibly including the guy you end up starting a family with.

....I think you have a better chance of a successful relationship if you were to date someone within the same profession, as they're much more likely to understand the nature of your work/schedule. I'm not going to bet on meeting someone within my program (it's too small, and like I said, the majority will already be married), and you're right, after all the drama of dating fellow med school classmates, I definitely don't want to repeat *that* again, but I still think the odds of my having a family/kids rests on whether or not I'm able to meet someone within my work environment (proximity plays a huge role in most, if not all, relationships).

Originally Posted by TDX

Of course, you will need to make some decisions, too. If starting a family is this important to you, you need to find a way to balance your priorities if someone comes along. Work is great, but if you want to have a life next to it, balancing it with other parts of your life is essential. While that can be hard (and quite likely involves passing up on some hours of sleep), it's by no means impossible... not even for you.

And this is where I have the most difficulty.. Hypothetically, even if I were to meet/fall in love w/ someone during residency, I really don't know how I'd be able to balance it with work. Residency is going to be much, much harder than med school. I already had a great deal of difficulty balancing my life the past few years - I can't fathom doing any better over the next 4 years. How do people do it?? I mean, does anyone feel like they have a balanced life during residency? I went to a physician panel on work/life issues a few weeks ago and, when asked how they deal w/ the issue of balance, one female doctor (who has a family and kids) responded.. "There is no balance!" Instead, she portrayed having a chaotic, unpredictable family life and having to juggle work with kids/family all the time...sounds like it's no picnic, and yet she's one of the better female role models we have here at school.

Originally Posted by TDX

So really, try to worry a little less, see what comes along, and make time for the good things in life. You're still young, and you have far more opportunities to get all the things you want than you might think right now.

I never thought I'd be one of those women who freak out when they turn 30, but here I am, at 30, still a student, up to my neck in loans, no significant other, and a long road ahead of me still before I earn anything respectable..this journey is really quite the marathon, and it may be easy to tell yourself "you're still young, you still have time" when you're in your 20s, but once you hit 30, it's like reaching a stop sign that tells you, hey, you really need to reevaluate your priorities or life may pass you by altogether. I don't like to worry about things I can't control or predict, but starting residency at this age (and being female) does tend to activate/accentuate these fears about the future.

Does anyone else feel the same way or similarly?... I guess being an older med student puts me in the minority to begin with.

Anyways, thanks again for listening. Any/all thoughts/comments are appreciated.

102 views and only one response huh?...

Anyone else have any thoughts, insights, comments to share?

I can't be the only older/non-trad/female med student/doctor-to-be who's thinking and worrying about these issues? I'd post this in the forum for the specialty I'm going to, but it's a male-predominant specialty, so I thought this women in healthcare forum would be more appropriate. I'm noticing very little discussion on the threads here though (besides the 'would you change your last name' thread).. which is disappointing.

Originally Posted by drindochin

102 views and only one response huh?...

Anyone else have any thoughts, insights, comments to share?

From an older age than yours: don't panic, you have time and opportunity. You are about to be working elbow-to-elbow with a whole new crop of men your age and will be able to meet all their friends, too.

If you want to meet someone with whom to start a family, then my advice is to take that goal seriously. Don't go out with guys you know you wouldn't marry, tell your friends and new acquaintances that you are looking for someone (if 30 people are thinking of single men they know, you will be inundated), and get to know yourself and your needs. Every day, do something to further your goal, even if it is a tiny thing.