May I please vent?

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I prefer to post this in the non-trad forum because let's be honest, you guys are probably the most compassionate bunch out of the whole site. Kudos to you all. This is also not necessarily about medicine but more about life in general.

I'm in a huge turmoil with my self and future. I started out my undergrad as a pre-med just because it was a safe place for me -- I liked science, wanted to help others, it held a prestigious title in society, and I pleased my family! As the years went by, I noticed I didn't have the motivation to strive to the next level. Faster than I blinked my eyes, I withdrew from my pre-req classes, received sub-par grades in my sciences and did not keep up with school work. I finally decided that medicine was not for me and subsequently decided to take a break from science classes.

I was always depressed and had a ton of anxiety but now it was worse seeing that I had no idea what to do with my life. I barely finished my next semester; took an incomplete which turned into an F; and decided to take the following semester off. It was all good and dandy on my time off. I tried to work on myself as I was in a terrible state (suffering from an eating disorder and major depressive disorder). I felt good. I traveled a bit. I was ready. I dove right back into school only to find myself unable to handle the stress and questioning the meaning and purpose of my life. I am 2 weeks away from finishing my worst semester yet. Most days I couldn't physically get myself to school. I lost contact with everyone at school. And I grew a beard.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't know if I still want to do medicine. I don't know if I'm just being lazy. I'm a wreck. My GPA has plummeted from a 3.7 to probably a 3.2 now. I hate myself even more that I sabotaged my academics. But yeah. Depression sucks. And having a quarter life crisis sucks even more. I need some advice. Please.

Originally Posted by dokte

I prefer to post this in the non-trad forum because let's be honest, you guys are probably the most compassionate bunch out of the whole site. Kudos to you all. This is also not necessarily about medicine but more about life in general.

I'm in a huge turmoil with my self and future. I started out my undergrad as a pre-med just because it was a safe place for me -- I liked science, wanted to help others, it held a prestigious title in society, and I pleased my family! As the years went by, I noticed I didn't have the motivation to strive to the next level. Faster than I blinked my eyes, I withdrew from my pre-req classes, received sub-par grades in my sciences and did not keep up with school work. I finally decided that medicine was not for me and subsequently decided to take a break from science classes.

I was always depressed and had a ton of anxiety but now it was worse seeing that I had no idea what to do with my life. I barely finished my next semester; took an incomplete which turned into an F; and decided to take the following semester off. It was all good and dandy on my time off. I tried to work on myself as I was in a terrible state (suffering from an eating disorder and major depressive disorder). I felt good. I traveled a bit. I was ready. I dove right back into school only to find myself unable to handle the stress and questioning the meaning and purpose of my life. I am 2 weeks away from finishing my worst semester yet. Most days I couldn't physically get myself to school. I lost contact with everyone at school. And I grew a beard.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't know if I still want to do medicine. I don't know if I'm just being lazy. I'm a wreck. My GPA has plummeted from a 3.7 to probably a 3.2 now. I hate myself even more that I sabotaged my academics. But yeah. Depression sucks. And having a quarter life crisis sucks even more. I need some advice. Please.

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. I think that you should get some professional help. It sounds like this has been going on for a few years now and it's negatively affecting both your academic and personal life; it's unlikely the depression will spontaneously go away by itself. A good friend was in a similar situation and he needed outside help in order to get his life back on track. There's nothing wrong with that at all. You should consider it too. Are you still a student? If so, these services are probably covered by your student insurance. Good luck!

I second the counseling advice. ~And I would add that your university probably has a help center / counseling center that offers totally free sessions to students (mine does). The counselors there can help you decide what your next best steps might be. They will also be able to refer you to services / professionals outside of the university if the school-based counseling is not meeting your needs.

Also, don't be afraid to switch counselors if you don't feel comfortable with the first one that you see.

You've made an important first step by reaching out to people on SDN. Don't stop here, though; go talk things over with a professional who can help you figure out what to do next. Good luck to you!

It's probably not what a doctor would say, but don't let up and keep pushing. Life sucks sometimes, but it will suck longer and harder if you quit. If you need to talk to someone, then by all means do so, but don't let yourself get distracted from your long term goals. Sometimes you just have to shorten your priority list and grab life by the balls.

I was quite depressed in 2008. I was afraid of it affecting my career, so I suppressed it (yeah, yeah I know...) and kept pushing. I shook my life up. I transferred schools, changed majors, got back to my faith, etc. I tried to envision where I'd like to be in 5 years and tried to make day to day decisions that would get me to that point. Take life by bite-size chunks. Don't focus on getting a MD or PhD. Today, focus on getting that paper written, tomorrow, prep for that lab etc.

Worked for me, YMMV

Edit: Also start jogging. Exercise does wonders, and as far as just boosting your mood, you can't beat the post-run high. If you want to boost confidence, get in the weight room too. Also: keep the beard.

If you still want to be a physician your GPA is good enough for DO. I was in a similar position about a year and a half ago. 22 years old, 2.65GPA a ton of undergrad debt, no job, no family support, and less than $500 to my name. I knew I wanted to be a physician, but I didn't know if I was in any position to have a chance at medical school. I ended up finding a decent job, retook some classes, retook my MCAT, and now I think I'm in a decent position to get into a DO school and possibly MD as well.

For me the hardest thing was committing to the path; committing to medicine. It's a long and hard road, and you simply won't make it if you don't really want it. Realize that you are still very young despite possibly feeling like you are too old to start med scool. I don't know who on SDN said it, and I am going to paraphrase, but in 15 years you'll be 40 no matter what; might as well be a physician too.

Long before I started posting here I followed the non-trad forum and found a lot of inspiration from it. There are people with amazing stories, many of which I can't imagine going through myself. Keep your head up and stay positive.

Best of luck to you.

Your story is so similar to mine (not identical, but way close) it is scary. So my short version is that you can recover if you want to. I can share more, but the question is, what are you feeling right now? Do you want to be a doctor?

Hi OP-

I have great news. You don't have to decide today. You don't have to decide tomorrow. You've probably got a good long time before you absolutely must make a decision. And even then, it's never too late to be what you might have been.

It sounds like you've got some wounds that need healing (and I don't necessarily mean exclusively academic ones). Focus on taking care of yourself--getting well--first. Hopefully you'll be able to put off making a decision one way or the other until you're in a better place emotionally. It's always good to avoid making major decisions when you're stuck in a vulnerable spot.

I decided a few years ago that my great mission in life is to be a good person. While I'm alive on this rock, that's all I'm trying to do. If I were into giving advice, I'd suggest that you find a mantra that is personally compelling, latch onto it, and live it.

Right now, my kids have two:

1) If mama's not happy, nobody's happy; and

2) No stitches.

Take it easy on yourself. Hang in there. Everything is going to be okay.

Thank you all. As for counseling, I was in therapy for a year and hopefully will be starting therapy again within this month. It's so difficult to help others when I can barely get a grip of myself. So many dips but I am, in some obscure way, glad of my sufferings.

Interestingly, in the back of my head, I'm getting worried/paranoid that if I decide I want to pursue MD again, I will need to go through so much. And I suppose if I want it enough, I'll do it. But it hurts to think that I fell short because I had to face some issues and couldn't get a handle on things. It really does. But it eases my mind to think that I'll figure it out and things will work out.

At the minimum, it sounds like you're burned out. If the problem is more serious, then it needs to be addressed. School is so tough that you have to be internally solid to address it head on.

Practically speaking, you should take a leave of absence from school. Stay away as long as necessary to make yourself whole. Talk to your academic adviser or dean ASAP and see if you can take a withdrawal (these are not F's) on all the courses you are doing poorly in.

Take care.

Thank you all for your replies -- means a ton that someone is listening

I feel so hopeless though. I feel like I have no chance in pursuing higher education - be it graduate or medical school. It's this underlying fear that I'm pretty much done and not qualified.

What a burden.

Originally Posted by dokte

Thank you all for your replies -- means a ton that someone is listening

I feel so hopeless though. I feel like I have no chance in pursuing higher education - be it graduate or medical school. It's this underlying fear that I'm pretty much done and not qualified.

What a burden.

Suck it up and get good grades. That should prove to you that you are qualified.

You're stuck in a cycle. Depressed because you aren't doing well, and not doing well because you're depressed.

Happens to me sometimes with anxiety because I'm not getting anything done because I'm lazy and being lazy because I'm feeling anxious.

Sucks, but you just have to suck it up and take care of business.

You also might try volunteering at a shelter for an hour or two every other weekend. It's not much time and seeing people who have it way worse than we do can change your entire outlook on life.

Are you close to family? Hobbies? Do you feel like other areas of you life are suffering too?

I'm right there with you...

Originally Posted by HipChick

Are you close to family? Hobbies? Do you feel like other areas of you life are suffering too?

I'm right there with you...

Oh yeah. No hobbies as I've lost interest in many things. Just existing. It sucks.

Originally Posted by dokte

Oh yeah. No hobbies as I've lost interest in many things. Just existing. It sucks.

Definitely get help. If one therapist doesn't help, find another, don't just quit going. If therapy doesn't work, find a psychiatrist to pursue other therapy options. You need to get your depression under control before you will succeed at anything, but the good news is, there are lots of resources out there to help you with that. You just need to reach out to them. Stop school until you have gotten everything under control.

Originally Posted by dokte

I prefer to post this in the non-trad forum because let's be honest, you guys are probably the most compassionate bunch out of the whole site. Kudos to you all. This is also not necessarily about medicine but more about life in general.

I'm in a huge turmoil with my self and future. I started out my undergrad as a pre-med just because it was a safe place for me -- I liked science, wanted to help others, it held a prestigious title in society, and I pleased my family! As the years went by, I noticed I didn't have the motivation to strive to the next level. Faster than I blinked my eyes, I withdrew from my pre-req classes, received sub-par grades in my sciences and did not keep up with school work. I finally decided that medicine was not for me and subsequently decided to take a break from science classes.

I was always depressed and had a ton of anxiety but now it was worse seeing that I had no idea what to do with my life. I barely finished my next semester; took an incomplete which turned into an F; and decided to take the following semester off. It was all good and dandy on my time off. I tried to work on myself as I was in a terrible state (suffering from an eating disorder and major depressive disorder). I felt good. I traveled a bit. I was ready. I dove right back into school only to find myself unable to handle the stress and questioning the meaning and purpose of my life. I am 2 weeks away from finishing my worst semester yet. Most days I couldn't physically get myself to school. I lost contact with everyone at school. And I grew a beard.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't know if I still want to do medicine. I don't know if I'm just being lazy. I'm a wreck. My GPA has plummeted from a 3.7 to probably a 3.2 now. I hate myself even more that I sabotaged my academics. But yeah. Depression sucks. And having a quarter life crisis sucks even more. I need some advice. Please.

Awwww so sorry that stinks.

You don't happen to stay up for days playing WOW and drinking mountain dew do you? Or smoke pot? <---especially this . Cuz that will contribute to ur probs.

Sounds like u should go talk to a psychiatrist and get some pills now so something is working by September.

OP, it happens to the best of us. I never had a 3.7 in UG, EVER. I never even had a 3.2 until after all my PB work. At any rate, counseling is a MUST, you need to find coping strategies that work for you, because lets face it, being on anti-depressants the rest of your life is a bad solution. This can and does happen to all of us at some point/points in our lives, it may be caused by different circumstances, but it happens nonetheless... Seek help, and keep your chin up, do the best you can every day and don't be upset if some days are better or worse... We don't lead perfect lives!

because of my circumstances (young mother of 2 under the age of 2, part time working as well) I enreolled in community college so if I was having a hard semester (such as the semester when I had my youngest) I could easily reduce class work to 1-2 classes. It might take a longer time, but it's what I have to do. I does keep stress down and I actually prefer the community college setting compared to university. I enjoy my decission and it gives me time to think more about my future.

besides getting professional help, try taking walk outside (I dont what it is, but nature always seems to relax me), find local events (such as cultural festivals) to participate in that you might find some new friends, and of cource do some community service (local animal shelter, food kitchun, etc.). As my health teacher has said to her students on our last day of class "remember that god gave you two hands; one to help yourself and one to help others". not in any particular religious way, but it is a wonderful feeling to help other people or animals.

best of luck to you. I hope you find help and continoue to find peace with yourself.

Originally Posted by theseeker4

definitely get help. If one therapist doesn't help, find another, don't just quit going. If therapy doesn't work, find a psychiatrist to pursue other therapy options. You need to get your depression under control before you will succeed at anything, but the good news is, there are lots of resources out there to help you with that. You just need to reach out to them. Stop school until you have gotten everything under control.

+1

Originally Posted by theseeker4

Definitely get help. If one therapist doesn't help, find another, don't just quit going. If therapy doesn't work, find a psychiatrist to pursue other therapy options. You need to get your depression under control before you will succeed at anything, but the good news is, there are lots of resources out there to help you with that. You just need to reach out to them. Stop school until you have gotten everything under control.

are there resources that are resonable option for people who do not have much $$?

OP,

It sounds like you picked Medicine for the wrong reasons to begin with. The fact that you picked it to make other's happy and have good social standing is a dead givaway that, at the very least, you aren't sure you want to be in this pursuit. My advice would be to get out of it for now and if you decide to come back, hopefully you make the decision for yourself.

What classes are you doing good in (with a 3.7 or even a 3.2 gpa you're doing good in something)? talk to an academic counselor and see what kind of track you could pursue related to those classes. Obviously though, you are not digging the sciences. If you hate science you're probably going to hate medicine.

The fact that your undergrad has got you slipping and just "exsisting" should be a huge indicator that you are not ready for Med School, internship, residency, and finally a career in medicine.

Now for my advice. Finish a 4-year degree in something you enjoy. Then, join the Military. The Military is, often times, a great place for people lost in the world. Not to mention it's a damn good career to boot.

It sounds to me like you need someone or something to push you. You're either at the end of your rope or you're at the beginning of a short one. Either way, you need something in your life. Something you can't ignore or withdraw from. Good ole Uncle Sam will whip you into shape.

And to anyone who thinks the Military would be too tough, I can personally vouch for the fact that the Military is a vacation compared to even reading about med school.

Originally Posted by Fedfireman

OP,

It sounds like you picked Medicine for the wrong reasons to begin with. The fact that you picked it to make other's happy and have good social standing is a dead givaway that, at the very least, you aren't sure you want to be in this pursuit. My advice would be to get out of it for now and if you decide to come back, hopefully you make the decision for yourself.

What classes are you doing good in (with a 3.7 or even a 3.2 gpa you're doing good in something)? talk to an academic counselor and see what kind of track you could pursue related to those classes. Obviously though, you are not digging the sciences. If you hate science you're probably going to hate medicine.

The fact that your undergrad has got you slipping and just "exsisting" should be a huge indicator that you are not ready for Med School, internship, residency, and finally a career in medicine.

Now for my advice. Finish a 4-year degree in something you enjoy. Then, join the Military. The Military is, often times, a great place for people lost in the world. Not to mention it's a damn good career to boot.

It sounds to me like you need someone or something to push you. You're either at the end of your rope or you're at the beginning of a short one. Either way, you need something in your life. Something you can't ignore or withdraw from. Good ole Uncle Sam will whip you into shape.

And to anyone who thinks the Military would be too tough, I can personally vouch for the fact that the Military is a vacation compared to even reading about med school.

Seems like op needs to take care of his depression before he makes any major decisions

Originally Posted by Tatiana3325

Seems like op needs to take care of his depression before he makes any major decisions

Seems like that would be something for them to determine. TONS of people make major changes in their lives to solve their issues with depression.

I'm sure he's better equipped to make a decision like that than your average 18 yo, hundreds of which make it every day.

Originally Posted by dokte

I was always depressed and had a ton of anxiety but now it was worse seeing that I had no idea what to do with my life. I barely finished my next semester; took an incomplete which turned into an F; and decided to take the following semester off. It was all good and dandy on my time off. I tried to work on myself as I was in a terrible state (suffering from an eating disorder and major depressive disorder). I felt good. I traveled a bit. I was ready. I dove right back into school only to find myself unable to handle the stress and questioning the meaning and purpose of my life. I am 2 weeks away from finishing my worst semester yet. Most days I couldn't physically get myself to school. I lost contact with everyone at school. And I grew a beard.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't know if I still want to do medicine. I don't know if I'm just being lazy. I'm a wreck. My GPA has plummeted from a 3.7 to probably a 3.2 now. I hate myself even more that I sabotaged my academics. But yeah. Depression sucks. And having a quarter life crisis sucks even more. I need some advice. Please.

It seems like you've gotten some good advice about seeking help for your depression, which I think is the most important thing. If you are having trouble managing in stressful situations, I would look for a therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavior therapy, which are skills based and will help you develop coping mechanisms that will prepare you to handle stress. Recovering from mental illness can be hard work, but with the right tools and support, you can get yourself to a better place.

I also wanted to say that I had a really bad year academically that I thought "wrecked" my GPA, but took a year off, and when I came back I was able to raise my GPA pretty significantly. I had a strong upward trend and by graduation was back up to just over a 3.5 (I graduated in 3 years, so a 4th year of classes would have brought it up even more). IF you are in a place mentally and emotionally where you can focus your energy on school, I have no doubt that you'll be able to raise your GPA to where it needs to be to apply for medical school if that is what you decide to do.

Good luck!

Depression is a beast. There's been great advice here on seeking help (and considering CBT or medication, eevn if it's for the short-term) I think that it's tough especially if you have been a perfectionist / coming from a community or family used to "high performance" - it's easy to still blame yourself for not being able to achieve even though you know you were depressed. I am TERRIBLE at taking this advice, but - don't regret what's past. Don't hate yourself for the academic decline. It happened, it's done. Remember that you did the best you could under the circumstances, and that there are much worse mistakes you could have made.

Also, you are SO YOUNG! You have not sabatoged your chances. I have many friends who took medical leaves of absence to deal with depression, or transfered schools while going to therapy... who ended up recovering, finding a field they love, doing well (one of them just graduated law school!) The fact that you aren't in a place to do it now doesn't mean you won't be in the futuer. In college it seems like taking time off or being older or taking a non-traditional path is 'bad' somehow - but most of us who have and are still considering pursuing medicine feel the richer for it.

The most important thing is getting better AND not having additional issues in school that can limit your choices later or cause financial issues (? if that's a factor), so... it probably depends on how you react to things / where you have the most access to resources and social support.

If you think being at school and pursuing counseling there and stepping back from the pre-med class to just figure out what you enjoy is the best path, and you can do things to reduce the stress (reduced course load, Pass/Fail classes, etc.) do that. Sometimes social support and a routine are important to recover from mental health issues.

If you think taking time off, going home to get counseling is the best path, do that.

If you want to work for a year (AmeriCorps?) - hopefully while or after getting help - will be good, do that. Sometimes doing work that helps people directly, having work that is more tangible and overseen than studying (which requires a lot of individual drive) is easier when you're not 100% mentally, and like I said above, routine can be helpful to keep you from cycling in circles.

School will ALWAYS be there. The opportunity to go back to science/medicine will ALWAYS be there. So you do what makes you feel the most hopeful about feeling better.

Also, FYI, I am 29. I have an MPH. I got into med school but am terrified of going. I think I know what I want to do, but not sure if medicine is the best way to get there. I am in a constant state of quarter life crisis / anxiety. Some of us aren't blessed with tunnel vision or with an absolute assurity of what we want to do or how to get there. It's OK. It gets easier (most of the time), and even if it doesn't - the world (grad schools, med schools, jobs) these days are totally into people getting a variety of experiences. I'm grateful for my journey even though it's been excruciating!

Reading your post was like reading my diary. Haha, but not in the funny way.

First of all, where in your undergrad career are you? More time off or studying abroad could be an option. But, like other posters, I agree 100% that you need to go to a doctor AND a therapist to start getting this figured out. Despite my intro psych course, I only realized that what I thought was my depression was actually curdled anxiety that was leading to insomnia, perfectionism, and ultimately, failure. I've always been against meds and scared of dependency, but IMHO Zoloft isn't a bad thing, at least to get you out of that vicious cycle.

Also explore your expectations for yourself vs. your parents'. I swore off medicine because I was doing it for my parents the first time around, but I'm back to it now and will be much more successful, I think. And hope.

Good luck to you.