Advice on marrying a med student?

[MHA_MHA]

My fiance will be starting med school about 3 weeks before our wedding.
Has anyone else done this before? We are looking for advice on how to enjoy our new marriage with the craziness that will be med school.

What have been your biggest fears about marrying someone in med school? How did you cope? What were your hopes and dreams when they started med school?

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[J ROD]

It will be double hard starting a married life and med school. The worst part to me was first semester with Gross Anatomy. The fire hose starts on full blast. Be prepared.

 

[klc10]

I would just prepare yourself that they will be gone a lot! It can be discouraging that they have so much to do and so little time for you... just soak up all the time you have with him right now!

I saw this video recently and it had a few good tips..

 

[Kaustikos]

Sorry to be the cynic: be prepared for potential attractions and (worse) cheating. They can happen and you need to be on top of that

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[Gastrapathy]

Your spouse will have more free time as an ms1-2 than he or she will for the next 10 years.

 

[gcast]

LOTS of communication, good time management skills, support each other and compromise, that's all. Enjoy! You're about to gain a ton of friends.

 

[prettylittlebird]

Sorry to be the cynic: be prepared for potential attractions and (worse) cheating. They can happen and you need to be on top of that

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Definitely not cynical! Cheating is rampant and starting medical school is a vulnerable time for everyone which can lead to a lot of mistakes being made. This is absolutely not to say that it's in any way acceptable but if anything I would caution OP to keep the lines of communication as clear as possible and if your SO shares with you the struggles of being married as a first year medical student it's important to try and understand their point of view. I know I went through a period when I started M1 where I felt almost left out because I was in a serious relationship and so many of my classmates were single and we were all meeting each other for the first time and lots of mingling was occurring. You kind of feel like you're missing out and should join in to truly get the experience. Luckily I spoke with my partner about it and he was really reassuring, completely non-judgmental and eventually the feelings passed (right around the time that the relationship drama began among all the classmates that had started hooking up in week 1...) so while it's something to be aware and on top of, I wouldn't be too stressed it will lead to anything bad. It might just bring you both closer together.

 

[j4pac]

People hook up MS1...no question. But marriage can really be great as long as your spouse is understanding and flexible. Men are very sex driven organisms. If they aren't having sex...they are thinking about sex...and how they will acquire sex. Throw in a new environment...lots of stress of the unknown...lots of stress of being around people with lots of stress...and the actual stress of MS1 (probably the least stressful of the four)...and you find guys trying to find a release. A wife can significantly simplify the equation...if the wife understands that med school is like two full time jobs and appreciate the little bit of time that they have with their husband. Be supportive...understand that stress sometimes gets the best of people...and be patient.

 

[prettylittlebird]

People hook up MS1...no question. But marriage can really be great as long as your spouse is understanding and flexible. Men are very sex driven organisms. If they aren't having sex...they are thinking about sex...and how they will acquire sex. Throw in a new environment...lots of stress of the unknown...lots of stress of being around people with lots of stress...and the actual stress of MS1 (probably the least stressful of the four)...and you find guys trying to find a release. A wife can significantly simplify the equation...if the wife understands that med school is like two full time jobs and appreciate the little bit of time that they have with their husband. Be supportive...understand that stress sometimes gets the best of people...and be patient.

Seriously? I'm hoping you didn't mean to but you sound like you're trying to excuse bad behavior by saying "boys will be boys"

 

[j4pac]

Seriously? I'm hoping you didn't mean to but you sound like you're trying to excuse bad behavior by saying "boys will be boys"

No...you misread my post. Re-read it.

 

[solitarius]

Don't.

 

[Stagg737]

Your spouse will have more free time as an ms1-2 than he or she will for the next 10 years.

I think that somewhat depends on the curriculum and clinical site. At my school, curriculum is brutal, and M2 is considered by far the hardest and most time consuming year. At my school: M1 after the first couple months isn't bad, M2 is awful, M3 isn't bad (better than second year, since when you come home, you're home and can usually relax), and M4 pre-match varies depending on what specialty you're trying to match, M4 post-match is almost like a vacation.

 

[prettylittlebird]

No...you misread my post. Re-read it.

Nope, still sounds like you're saying dudes only think about sex and will be driven to cheat unless they have a wife who "simplif[ies] the equation" and is understanding and flexible. This may not be what you meant but essentially your post is implying that it's on a wife to make things easy and comfortable so her husband doesn't cheat because he's a man and so must be constantly dreaming of ways to get some tail.

 

[deleted245139]

Nope, still sounds like you're saying dudes only think about sex and will be driven to cheat unless they have a wife who "simplif[ies] the equation" and is understanding and flexible. This may not be what you meant but essentially your post is implying that it's on a wife to make things easy and comfortable so her husband doesn't cheat because he's a man and so must be constantly dreaming of ways to get some tail.

J4Pac is saying that being married can take what may otherwise be a single and sex obsessed guy and give them a sence of focus. Speaking from experience, I was engaged m1 and m2, married after... Made med school WAY better. I was able to focus. Its not implying infidelity. On the contrary.... Having a spouse means You're not spending mental energy playing the singles game. Yes it was hard, but well worth it.

 

[Seth Joo]

Don't do it, stay away from people in the medical profession if you want a happy personal life.

 

[Dr.J.D]

Don't do it, stay away from people in the medical profession if you want a happy personal life.

Ronald Reagan and his sidekick bush were tax raising idiotic fake conservatives who didn't even give healthcare from the damn taxes.

 

[Seth Joo]

Ronald Reagan and his sidekick bush were tax raising idiotic fake conservatives who didn't even give healthcare from the damn taxes.

Life in America was actually good when Reagan was President. It's not that great now.
People today are forced to buy overpriced insurance.

 

[Dr.J.D]

Life in America was actually good when Reagan was President. It's not that great now.
People today are forced to buy overpriced insurance.

Clinton was still way better

 

[Seth Joo]

Clinton was still way better

The Soviet Union collapsed, the IT industry began creating jobs to make up for the loss of NAFTA jobs. Clinton benefited from great circumstances, life was great for most Americans in the 80s and 90s.
It's not so peachy today and hence the charged politics.

 

[Dr.J.D]

The Soviet Union collapsed, the IT industry began creating jobs to make up for the loss of NAFTA jobs. Clinton benefited from great circumstances, life was great for most Americans in the 80s and 90s.
It's not so peachy today and hence the charged politics.

Correction : reagan was okay but his Vice President and his Vice Presidents son were garbage. Clinton was amazing. And Obama is ok. Hillary will hopefully be good cause trump is just stupid let's face it

 

[Seth Joo]

Correction : reagan was okay but his Vice President and his Vice Presidents son were garbage. Clinton was amazing. And Obama is ok. Hillary will hopefully be good cause trump is just stupid let's face it

I agree his VP was garbage as well as George W Bush, Clinton was a great President.

Nobody is going to recreate the conditions of the late 20th century for America because the world has changed too much.

 

[kb203]

So I know this thread is really old, but seriously it is not a big deal to be married to a medical student. I'm married to a first year; we've been married five years. I hang out with other spouses all the time. You guys will be fine! There is not rampant cheating; you will not be left alone for hours on end; you'll live like any other married couple. I've actually found we are very happy in medical school because we are just so happy he is in.

My advice is just to plan time to be out of the house the days leading up to exams and give your spouse plenty of space to study during those high stress times. Have your own life, just like with any healthy relationship, and always stay connected to each other. We do this by having breakfast and dinner together every day. We also work out together and try to plan one fun outing a week to relieve stress. Seriously, though, it's not that big of a deal. Just be loving and supportive of each other's needs.

 

[smq123]

Have your own life, just like with any healthy relationship, and always stay connected to each other. We do this by having breakfast and dinner together every day. We also work out together and try to plan one fun outing a week to relieve stress. Seriously, though, it's not that big of a deal. Just be loving and supportive of each other's needs.

Enjoy that while you can. 1st and 2nd year are more predictable, schedule wise. 3rd year and 4th year....his schedule will change from month to month (maybe even from week to week) and there may be weeks when you barely see each other.

 

[kb203]

Enjoy that while you can. 1st and 2nd year are more predictable, schedule wise. 3rd year and 4th year....his schedule will change from month to month (maybe even from week to week) and there may be weeks when you barely see each other.

Right, but like you said, rotations are (generally) only a month long. There's always an end in sight, and the rotations will vary in hours. Surgery rotation? Yep, I bet that I'll barely see him. But a rotation in a rural primary care practice? He's probably going to be working 8 to 5. So again, I just feel like it's not a huge deal.

I worry more about interviewing for residency and residency itself, though again it varies by specialty. Still, I don't think that someone in a new marriage starting med school needs to have all this negativity dumped on them or worry about how much time they may or may not get with their spouse third year and beyond. I think everyone picks up communication and time management skills as they go along in first and second year that serve them well when things get tougher in rotations and residency. Hell, I feel like we learned a lot about our relationship just in the application process!

I know I'm a first year spouse, but I just get annoyed about all the negativity around medical school marriages. My mother-in-law (married to a doctor) was even told while her husband was in medical school to enjoy it while she could because he'd just divorce her after residency was over (they've been married for nearly 35 years, from M1 through fellowship and even 12 years in the Navy). People just say the weirdest, most unnecessary things, and they really don't help anyone.

 

[smq123]

Right, but like you said, rotations are (generally) only a month long. There's always an end in sight, and the rotations will vary in hours. Surgery rotation? Yep, I bet that I'll barely see him. But a rotation in a rural primary care practice? He's probably going to be working 8 to 5. So again, I just feel like it's not a huge deal.

I worry more about interviewing for residency and residency itself, though again it varies by specialty. Still, I don't think that someone in a new marriage starting med school needs to have all this negativity dumped on them or worry about how much time they may or may not get with their spouse third year and beyond. I think everyone picks up communication and time management skills as they go along in first and second year that serve them well when things get tougher in rotations and residency. Hell, I feel like we learned a lot about our relationship just in the application process!

I know I'm a first year spouse, but I just get annoyed about all the negativity around medical school marriages. My mother-in-law (married to a doctor) was even told while her husband was in medical school to enjoy it while she could because he'd just divorce her after residency was over (they've been married for nearly 35 years, from M1 through fellowship and even 12 years in the Navy). People just say the weirdest, most unnecessary things, and they really don't help anyone.

I don't think that looking at things realistically should be equated with "negativity." I also don't think that warning you that the rest of medical school, residency, and even being an attending will require flexibility and that life is unpredictable is the same as assuring you that you'll get divorced at the end of residency.

I am speaking to you from my own experience as a medical student, resident, and attending physician. Yes, there are some days and weeks where things go as planned, everyone is home at the same time for dinner, and it's all great.

But I have also learned not to assume anything either. I assumed that that rotation in rural primary care was going to be 8-5....until I realized that the attending also delivered babies and did routine OB and I might have to help with a delivery at 9PM. I assumed that that peds rotation was going to be 8-5...until they assigned me to a spot that was so far away that commuting daily was not feasible.

My husband is in a specialty that is famous for its "bankers hours." But, it still involves taking care of patients. Last week, he got home after 9PM almost every single night because there was a patient emergency, or another physician got sick so he had to take care of those patients, or the electronic charting system was down for 2 hours. Things happen. All I'm suggesting is that you be flexible.

I also don't think it's fair for someone to read your post and assume that "I just need to be loving and supportive! We just need to carve out time for each other!" when the reality is is that that is not always going to happen. And how do you cope when there is very little time to communicate with each other? That's the bigger challenge.