All-Star Chief Complaints

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"Last night I had a BM so big that [it caused an orgasm]. This morning I was masturbating, and I [had an orgasm] too quickly."

-Presenting at 11pm that night
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So this is more a HPI than it is a CC.

(Male speaking)

"Some guy in the park injected cocaine into my arm and then raped me in the butt, now my butt hurts real bad and I want to kill myself because I feel so bad about last night."
 
"Acne is really bad for 6 months and can't find phone number of PCP in phone book". Presented earlier in the evening and left without being seen after 2 hours wait. Now presenting at 23:00.
I looked up her PCP's number and wrote it out for her.
 
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"zipper on penis" (my reaction when signing up, "oh yes, let's")
 
"Hungry but has no appetite. Concerned re lack of focus".
We think probably depressed - referred to psych.
"Short of breath sometimes. Has funny feeling around belly button".
Actual problem - severe shortage of common sense. Frequent flyer who left without being reassessed following PFT's. Someone I went to school with who has been a twit since she was 5 years old (I don't know what she was like as a toddler but have my suspicions).
 
"I was in my house smoking crack when my AICD fired off. It felt like I got kicked by a horse. But the pain went away after a few minutes, so I smoked some more crack. Next thing I know I woke up across town next to a garbage can, so I called an ambulance."
 
Arcan57 said:
"Last night I had a BM so big that [it caused an orgasm]. This morning I was masturbating, and I [had an orgasm] too quickly."

-Presenting at 11pm that night
Click to expand...

I cannot imagine being able to stop myself from laughing! How can you keep a straight face!!
(ofcourse, unless you are swamped with many patients and ambulances coming to your ED (without even calling), and some of your staff being sassy ;) (then you want to choke this guy)



cyclohexanol 1) CC: "abdominal pain" (doesn't offer any more info, suspect rectal FB)
Me (after standard questions for abd pain): "did you stick something in your rectum?"
*pt looks at me like I'm ****ing insane*

Oh my gosh, this got me to laugh so hard ....:laugh::laugh::laugh:[I guess people who have good imagination, enjoy imagining these innocent faces :eek::eek:
and imagining cyclohexanol face:confused:
:laugh::laugh:
 
CC: I was [having sex] with my girl, and i "couldn't bust a nut"
Dispo: Discharge
 
from the past month:

"my lawyer told me to come."

"i'm scared i might be going to hell."

GSW to the penis

"i've got nowhere else to go."

smoked PCP then felt weird

"i need to be admitted this time."
 
c/c: lost earring and rectal bleeding.....(well, not really an earring...more like a penile barbell stud....you fill in the blanks.....)
 
Distressed Mother: "My baby's penis is missing!"

namethatsmell: "Let's have a look. Oh, there it is."

Mom: "But it's just so small!"
 
A few from the last month..

1) ***** discharge.. (that was a nursing issue)
2) bug in rectum ( a patient issue)

No im not making either of them up..
 
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EctopicFetus said:
A few from the last month..

1) ***** discharge.. (that was a nursing issue)
2) bug in rectum ( a patient issue)

No im not making either of them up..
Click to expand...

I see Ectopic fell victim to the illustrious profanity filter. I suspect he was trying to write the adjective you get when trying to describe something with pus by doubling the s and adding a y.

For more fun with the filter try writing salt water, as in ocean water, as one word.
 
"Wife locked him in garage for not paying child support, anxiety attack"
 
docB said:
I see Ectopic fell victim to the illustrious profanity filter. I suspect he was trying to write the adjective you get when trying to describe something with pus by doubling the s and adding a y.

For more fun with the filter try writing salt water, as in ocean water, as one word.
Click to expand...

saltwater?
 
docB said:
Oh. They must have fixed that. The filter used to *** that one.
Click to expand...

You missed what he did...just quote it, then look at it. Well, he modified it, but I enter "saltwater" and it comes out. Go figure.

(Hell, there's a user whose name is "fre****y" - or "fresh ity", as the filter eats that one, too.)
 
"Headache and vomiting after punching myself in the head 10 times"

patient was convinced his mild ataxia, headache, and vomiting were due to the diflucan he was just prescribed for god knows what, or from his liver, for which he had an outpatient lab slip from his family doc and was requesting we check everything on there (LFTs, coags, lipids, B12, folate, TSH), since hey why not, we're doctors why can't we check it?

i was all getting ready to write him up as a case report for self induced epidural, except that his head CT showed no bleed :(
 
Anastasis said:
CC: Broken Glucometer

(of course she was escorted by EMS - can't be too careful)
Click to expand...

that could have been my dad. he called me, asked me to come by so he could use mine to test, as his was broken, he wanted to test before he took his insulin, no big rush, he wasn't feeling bad or anything. When I got there, I had to call EMS, he was passed out. Turns out, the meter did not want to register anything below 50...and his was actually 34......
 
killerleaf said:
that could have been my dad. he called me, asked me to come by so he could use mine to test, as his was broken, he wanted to test before he took his insulin, no big rush, he wasn't feeling bad or anything. When I got there, I had to call EMS, he was passed out. Turns out, the meter did not want to register anything below 50...and his was actually 34......
Click to expand...
Fair enough.

To finish the story, her blood sugar was normal. It really was just broken.
 
Presenting complaint: Chunky semen following unprotected sex.
Apparently his girl friend (not the person who he had unprotected sex with) complained about this.
 
CC regarding an eight year old girl: "gets aroused when watching love scenes on TV".

I don't even know where to start.
 
PedsEndoSec said:
CC regarding an eight year old girl: "gets aroused when watching love scenes on TV".

I don't even know where to start.
Click to expand...

We can start with, "And where the hell were you, Parents, while she was watching love scenes on TV? Does the phrase 'parental supervision', or better yet, 'personal responsibility' ring a bell?"

Oh wait, or is that just me?

It's being reinforced that really, y'all see the continual nutjobs. Bless your hearts.
 
CC: Pain in vertebrains.
CC: Wants IUD taken out
 
CC: "They" are stealing my air.
-schizophrenic, non-adherent with large pleural effusion

CC: r/o meningitis.
-peds ED, kiddo was sitting upright smiling, and banging on a pillow on their bed... the parents googled "irritability..."

CC: book jumping while reading in bed.
-known AAA now with pulsatile mass, pt was extremely cachectic.
 
docB said:
I see this one about every other month. The reason always given when I ask why they would come to the ER for that is "I lost my insurance."
Click to expand...

Here in Canada where this is not an issue it's more like "It's Saturday night and I decided I just don't want it in anymore". I didn't take it out. I suggested she call the person who put it in on Monday morning and make an appointment like everyone else.
Cheers,
M
 
"im here to find a wife!" - we found him the psych unit
 
"Scared of my own shadow". Apparently it kept following him around...

"I need a place to stay"- hate this one.
 
Level 2 trauma. 55yo male. Gets hammered and rolls his car 1/4 mile from his house. Walks aways with a few scratches and decides to walk home. Has "a few more beers" and decides to hop on his bicycle. Pedals back towards his car and loses control on the gravel, goes over his handle bar head first into a tree. Found on the side of the road, bicycle wrecked, in the ditch right next to his car...

Comes into the ED with neck pain and b/l hand pain. CT neg but comes back from CT land and now strenght 3/5 in UEs...central cord. Goes to surgery and doing well...some people are slow learners I guess
 
here are some of my favorites;

" My pants were too tight so i went to *** hospital and they gave me paper pants , but i still think my pants are too tight"

" my vagina is bleeding after my boyfriend stuck a poolball up it and pulled it out"

code 2 trauma " 60 yo lady with left sided weakness from old cva got drunk and drove her scooter into a ditch"

" i ran out of my hormones for IVF"

and then my favorite patient...after a whole bunch of bs ....
patient: "doc what wrong with my lips"
Me: "sir they are chapped buy some chapstick or vaseline."

Then i discharged him ... he was complaining i did nothing for him and wouldn't give registration info ... because i did nothing for his lip... solution i told the registration office to give him a packet of lube. I was being sarcastic of course. But the dude took the lube and put it on his lips and then promptly gave his info.
 
"I can't sleep, so my PMD wanted me to come get a Cat Scan for my head"

Pt did have insomnia... along with depression and new-onset psychosis with very strong auditory hallucinations. He got a CT.
 
"Cough, or vaginal spotting (confused)."
 
"popping in stomach, poking in vagina"
 
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