BS/MD Personal Statement (Please Review!)

[14sakuya]

I am applying for a BS / MD medical program, and need some one to help with my personal statement.

Cheesy, but what can you do?

Prompt: Basically why I want to go into medicine (motivations, interests, etc.)

The image appeared on the screen. Supposedly, it was of a human baby. As the mother reacted emotionally to the image, I was left feeling underwhelmed at my first time seeing an ultrasound. Every time an ultrasound appears in a TV show, cheesy piano music starts playing and the characters react melodramatically. This experience was decidedly different. What was so great about a seemingly indiscernible mass in black and white? Noticing my lack of reaction, the doctor explained that, soon, the fetus will start developing sex characteristics and fingernails, and eventually start looking like a human. This was interesting to hear, as I wondered how a combination of two cells could become a human in such a short time. I recall this as being one of the first experiences that spurred me to go into medicine.

Having interned in the gynecology department of an Indian Hospital, I noticed that many women complained of problems associated with Polycystic Ovarian Sydrome, a common endocrine disorder affecting about 10% of women of reproductive age. PCOS often leads to serious diseases such as diabetes later in life. As my mother was diabetec, I saw first hand the great suffering associated with the disease. This observation lead me to write a paper on Prediction models for insulin resistance in patients with PCOS. With prediction models, patients can be screened for insulin insensitivity based on a few factors derived using statistical regression, thus eliminating the time waste and expense of testing many patients for insulin resistance, and allowing for earlier medical intervention. This experience showed me how a disease can be diagnosed through noninvasive methods, and I invisioned diagnosing patients myself one day.

From the mathematical modeling of lung tissue viscosity to programming robots, science is my passion. In 7th grade, I became a member of BeWise (Better Education for Women in Science and Engineering). Through BeWise, I was able to research recent technologies in Biotech companies. I came across BiOptic's Qsep100, a device that allows for post PCR separation and detection of DNA fragments through gel electrophoresis. As I watched the lab assistant carefully place each PCR tube into the thermal cylinder, I found myself studying the process intently. A couple of hours later, with the newly replicated DNA, the lab assistant identified the malignant cells, and found that the patient had leukemia. This quick diagnosis of diseases using replicated DNA fascinated me, spurring me to find more efficient ways of disease diagnosis by going into medicine.

As a young high school student, I have much to learn. However, I believe that my interest in research along with my compassion for others, would make me a successful student in medical school. I hope to take my knowledge and eventually become the doctor that I want to be.

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[caffeinemia]

Ahh -- I will try not to fault you for tackling topics that are beyond your level of insight and expertise right now.

However, I encourage you to write less descriptively about diseases and PCR methods and insulin resistance screening methods. (On that last item, I am skeptical of your methodology and fear that a tough interviewer might crush you on it). These things are inherently boring and physicians know it far better than you. Instead, I think you should discuss your motivations in depth. One line about being interested in fetal sexual development and another about finding faster methods of molecular diagnosis aren't really going to cut it. Instead, what does being a physician mean to you? What does a suffering patient mean to you? How do you deal with it? How have you shown/developed compassion or empathy? Your first paragraph would almost succeed as a counter to your final paragraph - it does not demonstrate any empathy for the joy of an expectant mother. Finally, you should proofread your essay. It's not "invisioned." Yes, I'm am nitpicking.

Good luck.

 

[hoihaie]

First - What can you do about being cheesy? Don't.

Aside from trying to say why you want to go in medicine, it seems like you're also trying to describe your resume without successfully incorporating it into your "pathway" to medicine. You only briefly went over why you want to be a physician - in fact, I only count around 4 to 5 sentences in the whole essay, that discuss "why medicine":

1) "This was interesting to hear, as I wondered how a combination of two cells could become a human in such a short time. I recall this as being one of the first experiences that spurred me to go into medicine"
2) "This experience showed me how a disease can be diagnosed through noninvasive methods, and I invisioned diagnosing patients myself one day"
3) "This quick diagnosis of diseases using replicated DNA fascinated me, spurring me to find more efficient ways of disease diagnosis by going into medicine."
4) "I hope to take my knowledge and eventually become the doctor that I want to be."

You fail to demonstrate your compassion for others (perhaps you can elaborate on what did you do as an intern at the hospital in India?). Your attempt at connecting your interest in research and being a physician also needs work (why are you not pursing PhD if you like research?). Like @caffeinemia said, don't embellish descriptions of what you've done, but focus/expand on what they meant for you.

I think you're trying to use the story in the 1st paragraph as an attention grabber (i.e. "woah why is a kid who doesn't think medicine is awesome applying for BS/MD?"), but I don't believe it is working as well as you hoped. It provides no substantial insight into you, other than it being the first time you became interested in medicine. If you want to incorporate this into your essay, I would not use it in such a major way.

You definitely need to have a stronger conclusion. Essays are not just about the first impression, but also the last. A weak conclusion undermines anything that precedes it. You mentioned "eventually become the doctor that I want to be", which is what exactly?

Also, high schoolers are inherently young. It is redundant to say "young high school student"

 

[Ismet]

Moving to hSDN

 

[caffeinemia]

Agree.

@hoihaie -- Hey, aren't you the Vietnamese kid who was applying to medical school recently? Did you get in somewhere? Congrats!

Am I thinking of the wrong person?

First - What can you do about being cheesy? Don't.

Aside from trying to say why you want to go in medicine, it seems like you're also trying to describe your resume without successfully incorporating it into your "pathway" to medicine. You only briefly went over why you want to be a physician - in fact, I only count around 4 to 5 sentences in the whole essay, that discuss "why medicine":

1) "This was interesting to hear, as I wondered how a combination of two cells could become a human in such a short time. I recall this as being one of the first experiences that spurred me to go into medicine"
2) "This experience showed me how a disease can be diagnosed through noninvasive methods, and I invisioned diagnosing patients myself one day"
3) "This quick diagnosis of diseases using replicated DNA fascinated me, spurring me to find more efficient ways of disease diagnosis by going into medicine."
4) "I hope to take my knowledge and eventually become the doctor that I want to be."

You fail to demonstrate your compassion for others (perhaps you can elaborate on what did you do as an intern at the hospital in India?). Your attempt at connecting your interest in research and being a physician also needs work (why are you not pursing PhD if you like research?). Like @caffeinemia said, don't embellish descriptions of what you've done, but focus/expand on what they meant for you.

I think you're trying to use the story in the 1st paragraph as an attention grabber (i.e. "woah why is a kid who doesn't think medicine is awesome applying for BS/MD?"), but I don't believe it is working as well as you hoped. It provides no substantial insight into you, other than it being the first time you became interested in medicine. If you want to incorporate this into your essay, I would not use it in such a major way.

You definitely need to have a stronger conclusion. Essays are not just about the first impression, but also the last. A weak conclusion undermines anything that precedes it. You mentioned "eventually become the doctor that I want to be", which is what exactly?

Also, high schoolers are inherently young. It is redundant to say "young high school student"

 

[Law2Doc]

Basically agree with the others -- a laundry list of things you've seen and written isn't really a good reason to admit you. Nor is being passionate about science, while at the same time feeling that most of the more clinical, hands on, patient care aspects of medicine are "cheesy". (Most of medicine is care and patient oriented, not science and diagnosis oriented BTW.) Why do you even want to be a doctor? What personal goals do you have? What do you bring to the table? If the best you can up with is I saw a fetal ultrasound, then maybe you aren't really ready to apply yet. This is the concern a lot of people have with these accelerated programs -- it's like pulling the cake out of the oven half baked. It's actually a pretty atypical high schooler who wouldn't benefit more from a few more years of seasoning provided by the longer, four year college followed by four years of med school path, and imho your PS needs to reflect that maturity and that you are such a unique individual.

I also worry when people have significant medically related things on their resume starting in 7th grade, that maybe this is less of a personal decision/interest and more a "pleasing your parents" decision - in which case the less accelerated path might again make more sense. If not, I want to hear about WHY you were so interested in this stuff as a kid, less so about the papers you wrote or gels you watched someone run. And fwiw, the assistant in the lab diagnosing leukemia isn't the doctor, but the guy who then has to sit down with the family and break the bad news and give the diagnosis is -- that's medicine and that's what you are signing on for, not the PCR. Thats kind of where you need to picture yourself in this scenario if you want to sell this experience as something that stoked your interest. Something like following up that scenario with something like "I couldn't help but think about how challenging it must be for a family to receive this kind of news and the importance of having a compassionate and caring doctor to sit down with them to discuss a plan of care. This involvement in a families most difficult of life issues is what makes being a doctor such a noble, challenging and at the same time fascinating pursuit". So take a step back, think about what it means to be a doctor -- not just some person who "loves science"-- and see if that's really you. Then write why.

 

[hoihaie]

Agree.

@hoihaie -- Hey, aren't you the Vietnamese kid who was applying to medical school recently? Did you get in somewhere? Congrats!

Am I thinking of the wrong person?

Almost
Chinese kid applying this cycle that did get in somewhere! Thanks regardless tho! Thankful for the opportunity

 

[hmockingbird]

The image appeared on the screen. Supposedly, it was of a human baby. As the mother reacted emotionally to the image, I was left feeling underwhelmed at my first time seeing an ultrasound. Every time an ultrasound appears in a TV show, cheesy piano music starts playing and the characters react melodramatically. This experience was decidedly different. What was so great about a seemingly indiscernible mass in black and white? Noticing my lack of reaction, the doctor explained that, soon, the fetus will start developing sex characteristics and fingernails, and eventually start looking like a human. This was interesting to hear, as I wondered how a combination of two cells could become a human in such a short time. I recall this as being one of the first experiences that spurred me to go into medicine.

I'm going to agree with a lot of others here. This paragraph reads very disingenuous to me. Are/were you REALLY that naive that you didn't know "the fetus will... eventually start looking like a human"???? If so, I honestly feel like you should get more experience before applying to medical school, that doesn't even brush the surface of the career. Also, I agree that starting off with how boring you found the US doesn't lend any credence to arguing that you actually do want to go into this career.

Having interned in the gynecology department of an Indian Hospital, I noticed that many women complained of problems associated with Polycystic Ovarian Sydrome, a common endocrine disorder affecting about 10% of women of reproductive age. PCOS often leads to serious diseases such as diabetes later in life. As my mother was diabetec, I saw first hand the great suffering associated with the disease. This observation lead me to write a paper on Prediction models for insulin resistance in patients with PCOS. With prediction models, patients can be screened for insulin insensitivity based on a few factors derived using statistical regression, thus eliminating the time waste and expense of testing many patients for insulin resistance, and allowing for earlier medical intervention. This experience showed me how a disease can be diagnosed through noninvasive methods, and I invisioned diagnosing patients myself one day.

This paragraph shows some promise.

However, first, I don't think you need to get into details about the mechanism of PCR. You're supposedly applying to medical school, not science graduate school or a science college major. And if you do, you better be prepared to explain, in detail, what you wrote (i.e. explain what a prediction model is, what statistical regression is, etc.) because there are interviewers who will quiz you on your research.

I think you could still go with that but expand the human side more. Talk about what you learned from seeing your mother live with diabetes. Any experiences, +/-, with doctors during her care? Talk about your paper but how an early diagnosis would have benefited (or did benefit) your mother/other patients with diabetes. Talk more about your internship in gyn. What did you see? What did you learn? What patients impacted you? How did the doctors act as role models and inspire you to pursue their career?

From the mathematical modeling of lung tissue viscosity to programming robots, science is my passion. In 7th grade, I became a member of BeWise (Better Education for Women in Science and Engineering). Through BeWise, I was able to research recent technologies in Biotech companies. I came across BiOptic's Qsep100, a device that allows for post PCR separation and detection of DNA fragments through gel electrophoresis. As I watched the lab assistant carefully place each PCR tube into the thermal cylinder, I found myself studying the process intently. A couple of hours later, with the newly replicated DNA, the lab assistant identified the malignant cells, and found that the patient had leukemia. This quick diagnosis of diseases using replicated DNA fascinated me, spurring me to find more efficient ways of disease diagnosis by going into medicine.

This sounds more like you want to go into research or MD/PhD than MD. See what someone said above about the doctor's role in this situation. If you can tie this experience in to what you see yourself doing as a doctor, do that instead. And again about being able to explain your research in an interview.

As a young high school student, I have much to learn. However, I believe that my interest in research along with my compassion for others, would make me a successful student in medical school. I hope to take my knowledge and eventually become the doctor that I want to be.

Where did you demonstrate your compassion in this essay?

In general, two comments about your essay. One, there is NO FLOW between the paragraphs. Each one is just a random story. Remember transition sentences? Learn how to use them. Two, your essay is largely focused on research, and not the actual career of a physician. While research is interesting and relevant to the practice of medicine, it's not actually what you're doing every day in clinical practice.

I could get more picky but I think you need to work on the larger problems with your statement first. Also, your heavy focus on research makes me wonder if you would be better suited to MD/PhD or just straight up PhD. Have you shadowed any doctors? If not, you NEED to do this before you commit. If you have, did you gain anything from or enjoy the clinical aspects of their practice? If the answer to that is no, or not sure, I would suggest waiting on BS/MD, continuing to explore medicine and research in college, and then making the decision about what you want to do when you have more experience under your belt.

 

[mmmcdowe]

I would strongly recommend that when you rewrite it to not post it directly on the forum. Instead, I would ask if any of the people who have provided advice will review it via PM.

 

[Law2Doc]

I would strongly recommend that when you rewrite it to not post it directly on the forum. Instead, I would ask if any of the people who have provided advice will review it via PM.

Probably smart, as some random Adcoms might see and recognize it. And not credit you for edits others made.

However on the flip side this kind of thread is probably pretty useful for the hundreds of other high schoolers with similar first drafts. And a lot of us are just more willing to throw in our two cents in a public forum with a broader audience than via PM with a single, high school aged, recipient.

 

[caffeinemia]

Probably smart, as some random Adcoms might see and recognize it. And not credit you for edits others made.

However on the flip side this kind of thread is probably pretty useful for the hundreds of other high schoolers with similar first drafts. And a lot of us are just more willing to throw in our two cents in a public forum with a broader audience than via PM with a single, high school aged, recipient.

Speak for yourself! =P I'm willing to if your mom/dad is willing to offer a 16 digit code, CVC, expiration date, and Zip Code.

 

[mmmcdowe]

Probably smart, as some random Adcoms might see and recognize it. And not credit you for edits others made.

However on the flip side this kind of thread is probably pretty useful for the hundreds of other high schoolers with similar first drafts. And a lot of us are just more willing to throw in our two cents in a public forum with a broader audience than via PM with a single, high school aged, recipient.

Be as that may, publishing material like this online has a tendancy to end up in other peoples personal statements. The last thing in the world you want is to be rejected for plagarism when it was your material to begin with but 6 other applicants liked the sounds of some of it. Even deleting it after people reviewed it still leaves the initial post cached in the googleverse. This is why we have the personal statement reader thread for pre-allo applicants.

 

[Law2Doc]

Be as that may, publishing material like this online has a tendancy to end up in other peoples personal statements. The last thing in the world you want is to be rejected for plagarism when it was your material to begin with but 6 other applicants liked the sounds of some of it. Even deleting it after people reviewed it still leaves the initial post cached in the googleverse. This is why we have the personal statement reader thread for pre-allo applicants.

That would be a pretty extreme form of identity theft -- actually stealing someone's life experiences for your PS.

I get what you are saying. But really, they sell books filled with dozens of these essays, and lots of people who get in let younger people they know see what they had written, and these probably get shared, so it's not like a lot of the various models /templates aren't already out there. The experiences and how they shaped you is all that's really yours -- the flowery wording of what it means to be a doctor that some SDNer throws out there is going to be the similar stuff he gives to every PS he reviews. If I reviewed a dozen high schoolers essays do you really think the input I gave would be 100% unique?
Anyway, sorry to get off topic, and I don't totally disagree with your concerns, but this tangent intrigued me.

 

[mmmcdowe]

That would be a pretty extreme form of identity theft -- actually stealing someone's life experiences for your PS.

I get what you are saying. But really, they sell books filled with dozens of these essays, and lots of people who get in let younger people they know see what they had written, and these probably get shared, so it's not like a lot of the various models /templates aren't already out there. The experiences and how they shaped you is all that's really yours -- the flowery wording of what it means to be a doctor that some SDNer throws out there is going to be the similar stuff he gives to every PS he reviews. If I reviewed a dozen high schoolers essays do you really think the input I gave would be 100% unique?
Anyway, sorry to get off topic, and I don't totally disagree with your concerns, but this tangent intrigued me.

Not every thief is a bright one. I have read admissions essays which were transcribed from said books. The issue in this case is that if someone was stupid enough to submit the same essay as you, just like in college with plagiarism, the discipline may extend to you despite being the innocent party. While the advice you and I may give when reviewing admissions essays tends to be relatively simialr for each person who sends one, the application of that advice to a unique essay still allows for enough personalization to be believable as not being copied. Plus, having multiple people read it from the pool of available readers also tends to result in a unique mix.

I get what you are saying as well, but when dealing with something as sensitive as med school applications, some level of caution is recommendable.

 

[Law2Doc]

Not every thief is a bright one. I have read admissions essays which were transcribed from said books. The issue in this case is that if someone was stupid enough to submit the same essay as you, just like in college with plagiarism, the discipline may extend to you despite being the innocent party. While the advice you and I may give when reviewing admissions essays tends to be relatively simialr for each person who sends one, the application of that advice to a unique essay still allows for enough personalization to be believable as not being copied. Plus, having multiple people read it from the pool of available readers also tends to result in a unique mix.

I get what you are saying as well, but when dealing with something as sensitive as med school applications, some level of caution is recommendable.

Maybe we could just throw around lots of warnings that lots of Adcoms frequent these sites and that borrowing words and phrasing is likely to be noticed. I still think dissecting an essay or two publicly, now and then, seeing what kinds of things people thought valuable to include/exclude would have been hugely helpful for me when applying. But I totally get that when applicant B turns around and does his own similar essay about fetal ultrasound and running gels the OP may get scooped and it's hard for Adcoms to know who plagiarized who.