Can't Handle Med School Alongside Instability with Long Distance Partner

[nontradnyc]

Hi All,

My fiance started working at his dream job in gov't in 2013 (can't find the line of work outside the region). My plan was to get into the only linkage program near him because my credentials were modest, but I didn't get in. Instead I got into a linkage program in a NY school (5 hour drive from DC). So I did the linkage and now I'm an M1 at the same school.

The strain of the distance has been overbearing. My fiance tried to get accepted to law schools in NY and leave his job but no good law schools accepted him. He has a sizable credit card debt so he can't just leave and move in with me - has to keep making his income. And has gotten no job offers near me despite trying hard.

So I have found that as the M1 year has progressed, I have been doing mediocre in school because I can't handle the separation.

My parents are putting extreme pressures on me to stay in school too, but sometimes I just want to leave because I can't focus on my studies at all. However, I don't have a back up plan outside of medicine. Just a useless master's degree that would likely land me a research bench job.

I used to love medicine, but not when it came down to choosing between my partner of 6 years and a career.

Has anyone had a similar situation? Or have advice for me?

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[smq123]

Hi All,

My fiance started working at his dream job in gov't in 2013 (can't find the line of work outside the region). My plan was to get into the only linkage program near him because my credentials were modest, but I didn't get in. Instead I got into a linkage program in a NY school (5 hour drive from DC). So I did the linkage and now I'm an M1 at the same school.

The strain of the distance has been overbearing. My fiance tried to get accepted to law schools in NY and leave his job but no good law schools accepted him. He has a sizable credit card debt so he can't just leave and move in with me - has to keep making his income. And has gotten no job offers near me despite trying hard.

So I have found that as the M1 year has progressed, I have been doing mediocre in school because I can't handle the separation.

My parents are putting extreme pressures on me to stay in school too, but sometimes I just want to leave because I can't focus on my studies at all. However, I don't have a back up plan outside of medicine. Just a useless master's degree that would likely land me a research bench job.

I used to love medicine, but not when it came down to choosing between my partner of 6 years and a career.

Has anyone had a similar situation? Or have advice for me?

This separation is temporary. But you're in school for a career that will, most likely, last you the rest of your life. Don't throw away a possible lifelong career, that you might love, for a temporary situation.

Do you have to go to class every day? Does your school stream lectures? If so, and if you don't have to be at school daily, you could spend many weekdays with your fiancé in D.C. One of my classmates did that - we went to school in Philadelphia, but her fiancé was a resident in Pittsburgh (which is 6 hours away). She would spend Saturday through Tuesday in Pittsburgh, and come back only for any required lectures (that usually occurred later in the week).

 

[smq123]

Thanks. I spend about that amount of time visiting - but my family pressures me to visit less and my fiancé doesn't feel that it's enough time together. I feel like I'm at a cross-roads, either keep med school and break off the engagement or keep my fiancé and lose school.

It concerns me that he's not supportive enough of your dream to realize that it's just temporary. How will he feel when you're on call and away from home for 12-24 hours at a time? Will he be supportive enough to offer to clean the house or do the laundry or cook when you're too busy with work?

He needs to do his part too, to help you feel supported. Otherwise, it's going to be a very long haul and maybe he's not the right person to accompany you on this journey....

 

[J ROD]

Yeah, he is not supportive enough if you spend that much time together already. He sounds needy.

Being a needy man is not pretty.......

 

[Gemgrrrl]

Thanks. I spend about that amount of time visiting - but my family pressures me to visit less and my fiancé doesn't feel that it's enough time together. I feel like I'm at a cross-roads, either keep med school and break off the engagement or keep my fiancé and lose school.

If you gave up medical school now, after how hard you've worked and everything you've already sacrificed to get where you are - how do you think it will affect your relationship? I've been with my husband 11 years, through deployments, kids, and sick parents. Trust me when I say that, no matter how much you love each other, there will be times when you wonder why you even married this person who shares a bed with you, and if you even know him, or yourself anymore. When those times come, festering resentment is going to be really toxic.

That's probably why your parents are pushing so hard for you to stay in school. When you guys are going through a hard time, the last thing either of you need is for you look at him and say "after everything I gave up for you"? That's the thing I would worry about the most. Resentment like that is poison for a relationship - and then you'll be left with neither. No med school, and no fiance/husband.

 

[deleted480308]

being a good single medical student is better than a failing medical student with an overly needy fiance

 

[brittany24]

You might want to consider what will happen after you finish your didactic years as well. You'll be moving around different hospitals for clinical rotations by 3rd and 4th year, which may or may not add more strain to your relationship with your finance. Think about how long you have gone without seeing each other in the past (maybe 1-2 months apart?) Can you manage to get through it again for even longer periods?
Then you of course need to consider that residency will be a 3 year commitment to a hospital in an unknown city at this point. You could match to a residency out of state and would have to face that obstacle with your fiance as well. He may be at his "dream job" - but so are you! So many applicants would love to be in your shoes, I hope you have the same faith in yourself to succeed as your school had in you when they admitted you. It would be a shame to quit such a rewarding career as an MD in medicine for someone who doesn't support your dreams.
As hard as it is, I hope you will make the decision that your future self will thank you for, and not one based on your emotions.
I wish you the best! Study hard

 

[random12345]

My situation is similar to yours, except my distance was not as bad- NY to PA, and we were together for 2 years versus your 6. I had a really difficult time with the distance as well, and when he was here we would fight pretty often about school/not having enough time together. I also was struggling with balancing a long distance relationship with school, overall.
In the end I decided to end it. It's actually been much harder on me than I expected because I still do love him and wish we could be together. However, I'm glad I did. I think the distance+being in separate fields was a terrible mix, because not only do I not really have time but he doesn't fully comprehend why.
It came down to focusing on school or trying to keep the relationship together, and I wasn't willing to sacrifice my career. I tried to look at it from a future POV and I realized that heartbreak would be temporary (although extremely difficult), compared to the permanence of losing/changing careers. I would rather depend on myself than end something I've worked so hard for, to be with someone else.

--edit--

You had said that the distance was becoming difficult for you to focus in school. I hope you'll also realize that you're stronger than you think! Plus you have your family. 6 years is a long time to share your life with someone and it's not easy to be apart. Just as your SO is unable to move/has landed his dream career, your position is similar! You're both stuck at where you are, but hopefully with a little compromise and sticking it out, it will all work out.

I'm biased because I ended my relationship but 6 years is a significant amount of time, and I would have had a much harder decision to make. Plus we're in the SDN forum so most people would say career Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out for you OP!

 

[1nnocuous]

Hi All,

My fiance started working at his dream job in gov't in 2013 (can't find the line of work outside the region). My plan was to get into the only linkage program near him because my credentials were modest, but I didn't get in. Instead I got into a linkage program in a NY school (5 hour drive from DC). So I did the linkage and now I'm an M1 at the same school.

The strain of the distance has been overbearing. My fiance tried to get accepted to law schools in NY and leave his job but no good law schools accepted him. He has a sizable credit card debt so he can't just leave and move in with me - has to keep making his income. And has gotten no job offers near me despite trying hard.

So I have found that as the M1 year has progressed, I have been doing mediocre in school because I can't handle the separation.

My parents are putting extreme pressures on me to stay in school too, but sometimes I just want to leave because I can't focus on my studies at all. However, I don't have a back up plan outside of medicine. Just a useless master's degree that would likely land me a research bench job.

I used to love medicine, but not when it came down to choosing between my partner of 6 years and a career.

Has anyone had a similar situation? Or have advice for me?

He is the one that should be relocating for you right now. Getting into school is no easy feat and he should realize that. Do not give up your career. His sizable credit debt is probably small in comparison with the debt you'd have leaving med school with no sure job lined up. Relationships require compromise, but in this instance it is definitely him who should be making the change. You'll be filled with nothing but regret if you leave for him.

 

[j4pac]

OP...

Here are my concerns...
1) Will your relationship last even if you gave up medical school?
2) Will you do well in medical school if you break up with your fiancée?

I'm uncertain about both of those answers based on your posts, and therefore it is difficult to give you strong advice either way. You could dump your fiancée, then go on to tank in medical school because the perceived quick fix to the problem wasn't a fix at all. Or you would dump medical school...only to see your relationship later fail, then you are left with nothing.

I believe my best advice at this time is to communicate more openly with your fiancée. People on this forum are going to vilify your fiancée...but the truth is that he sounds like a reasonable guy. He has a ton to lose by ditching his job to be with you...while you are struggling in medical school. How is he going to pay his bills? Financial issues remains the leading cause of divorce in our country. Is he needy? Humans are needy when they love someone. I would rather my wife need me than not. I would try to maintain the relationship while continuing in medical school until I had more reassurance that medical school or your relationship is a fool proof plan.

 

[LizLemongrab]

What is it about the separation that you can't handle? If you have no other backup career, I would suggest you find a means of coping with being apart. What about Skype or Facetime? I personally find that playing a co-op video game like League of Legends, Heroes of the Storm, or Diablo 3 while on Skype is sufficient but then again, my husband and I are gamers and a moderately long flight away from each other. If there is an activity you like to do that can be transmitted online, do it. Some people play board games or take turns reading to each other from a book. I really enjoy when my husband reads to me.

Do you really need to see each other in person? I think the reality is that even if he were there with you, you'd need a lot of time away from him just to study and be physically present for classes. He's going to have to do more with less face to face time or... to the left to the left, everything he own in a box to the left if he can't handle you doing what you've worked so hard to get into.

And which law schools? I don't know his GPA/LSAT but geographically, I hope he applied to Fordham, Cardozo, CUNY Queens, NY LS, Pace, Touro, Saint John, Hofstra, and Brooklyn. Pretty much a 3.0 in any major and a 160 should get him into most of those, a 165 for Fordham or Cardozo. I know NYU and Columbia are crazy tough to get into but these other schools should be pretty achievable.

 

[mercaptovizadeh]

Hi All,

My fiance started working at his dream job in gov't in 2013 (can't find the line of work outside the region). My plan was to get into the only linkage program near him because my credentials were modest, but I didn't get in. Instead I got into a linkage program in a NY school (5 hour drive from DC). So I did the linkage and now I'm an M1 at the same school.

The strain of the distance has been overbearing. My fiance tried to get accepted to law schools in NY and leave his job but no good law schools accepted him. He has a sizable credit card debt so he can't just leave and move in with me - has to keep making his income. And has gotten no job offers near me despite trying hard.

So I have found that as the M1 year has progressed, I have been doing mediocre in school because I can't handle the separation.

My parents are putting extreme pressures on me to stay in school too, but sometimes I just want to leave because I can't focus on my studies at all. However, I don't have a back up plan outside of medicine. Just a useless master's degree that would likely land me a research bench job.

I used to love medicine, but not when it came down to choosing between my partner of 6 years and a career.

Has anyone had a similar situation? Or have advice for me?

So you are in NYC and he is in DC? That's not even that far, it's not NYC and Texas or California. You should find a way to see each other physically at least once monthly if not twice monthly. Consider switching off who commutes to whom. And use Skype in between.

This shouldn't be so hard. Just persist in both and you will not regret; don't give up on a relationship unless you must (and NYC vs. DC does not count) and don't give up on medicine unless you really see that medicine is just not for you (MS1 difficulties may be temporary, remember that!).

 

[hGmatureapp]

Stuck with med school

He should realize that your earning power will rise after you complete med

 

[nontradnyc]

What is it about the separation that you can't handle? If you have no other backup career, I would suggest you find a means of coping with being apart. What about Skype or Facetime? I personally find that playing a co-op video game like League of Legends, Heroes of the Storm, or Diablo 3 while on Skype is sufficient but then again, my husband and I are gamers and a moderately long flight away from each other. If there is an activity you like to do that can be transmitted online, do it. Some people play board games or take turns reading to each other from a book. I really enjoy when my husband reads to me.

Do you really need to see each other in person? I think the reality is that even if he were there with you, you'd need a lot of time away from him just to study and be physically present for classes. He's going to have to do more with less face to face time or... to the left to the left, everything he own in a box to the left if he can't handle you doing what you've worked so hard to get into.

And which law schools? I don't know his GPA/LSAT but geographically, I hope he applied to Fordham, Cardozo, CUNY Queens, NY LS, Pace, Touro, Saint John, Hofstra, and Brooklyn. Pretty much a 3.0 in any major and a 160 should get him into most of those, a 165 for Fordham or Cardozo. I know NYU and Columbia are crazy tough to get into but these other schools should be pretty achievable.

He applied to NYU, Columbia, Fordham, Cardozo. Got into Fordham and Cardozo and turned both down because he decided against being a lawyer. Now he's officially given up trying to get to NY and plans to stay at his job in DC. He can't afford the trip to come up to visit me either. He doesn't like time apart. He depends on me fully for emotional support and fixates on the fact that I'm not "here." His idea of "here" is having spontaneous, unplanned last minute nights out at a restaurant, or getting groceries together, or splitting up chores in the home, or all the commodities of a live in partner. He can't function when I'm away and hates skyping me because he has attached a negative association with skyping since his father moved away from him at a young age to work remotely for a job and that was the only way he got to see his dad. He can't do with less face to face time. He gets frustrated with the situation and it manifests as resentment targeted towards me.

With M2 starting up, I also have no idea how I will juggle school with visiting and step 1. He has admitted he won't be able to visit me, and my school has us take step 1 in February of 2nd year, so I feel nervous about how our time apart will play out this fall.

And regarding what I can't handle about the separation - I can't handle that he inconsistently (at best) makes me feel loved and supported when we're apart. He might be snappy or distant during skype conversations and when that is the only interaction I have to look forward to with him after a week apart, it makes me feel unstable. It makes me feel like he's upset and I don't like to see someone I care about upset. And then I have a hard time focusing because he won't let me try and cheer him up - it's like he's determined to make himself and me feel miserable.

 

[LizLemongrab]

He applied to NYU, Columbia, Fordham, Cardozo. Got into Fordham and Cardozo and turned both down because he decided against being a lawyer. Now he's officially given up trying to get to NY and plans to stay at his job in DC. He can't afford the trip to come up to visit me either. He doesn't like time apart. He depends on me fully for emotional support and fixates on the fact that I'm not "here." His idea of "here" is having spontaneous, unplanned last minute nights out at a restaurant, or getting groceries together, or splitting up chores in the home, or all the commodities of a live in partner. He can't function when I'm away and hates skyping me because he has attached a negative association with skyping since his father moved away from him at a young age to work remotely for a job and that was the only way he got to see his dad. He can't do with less face to face time. He gets frustrated with the situation and it manifests as resentment targeted towards me.

With M2 starting up, I also have no idea how I will juggle school with visiting and step 1. He has admitted he won't be able to visit me, and my school has us take step 1 in February of 2nd year, so I feel nervous about how our time apart will play out this fall.

And regarding what I can't handle about the separation - I can't handle that he inconsistently (at best) makes me feel loved and supported when we're apart. He might be snappy or distant during skype conversations and when that is the only interaction I have to look forward to with him after a week apart, it makes me feel unstable. It makes me feel like he's upset and I don't like to see someone I care about upset. And then I have a hard time focusing because he won't let me try and cheer him up - it's like he's determined to make himself and me feel miserable.

Oh my gosh. He got into Fordham and turned it down and wants spontaneous fun time?! Can't function without you?! I feel second hand rage for you and I am sorry he is behaving this way. It feels very inconsistent even if he did decide against being a lawyer for substantial reasons. It sounds like he is fixating on you being with him where he wants you rather than being with you where you are and must be.

Either he's going to have to learn to compromise, or this really isn't going to end well no matter the outcome. I don't think the guy you are describing is worth leaving medical school for. If he isn't making you feel loved and supported when you need him most and is essentially doing that toddler breath holding thing until you come back... I think you should try to find a support system outside of him. Any local friends, families, or close faculty members you can lean on in your time of need? Get Step 1 done and in the meantime, he will have to content himself with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break if you have those things.

 

[fancymylotus]

He applied to NYU, Columbia, Fordham, Cardozo. Got into Fordham and Cardozo and turned both down because he decided against being a lawyer. Now he's officially given up trying to get to NY and plans to stay at his job in DC. He can't afford the trip to come up to visit me either. He doesn't like time apart. He depends on me fully for emotional support and fixates on the fact that I'm not "here." His idea of "here" is having spontaneous, unplanned last minute nights out at a restaurant, or getting groceries together, or splitting up chores in the home, or all the commodities of a live in partner. He can't function when I'm away and hates skyping me because he has attached a negative association with skyping since his father moved away from him at a young age to work remotely for a job and that was the only way he got to see his dad. He can't do with less face to face time. He gets frustrated with the situation and it manifests as resentment targeted towards me.

With M2 starting up, I also have no idea how I will juggle school with visiting and step 1. He has admitted he won't be able to visit me, and my school has us take step 1 in February of 2nd year, so I feel nervous about how our time apart will play out this fall.

And regarding what I can't handle about the separation - I can't handle that he inconsistently (at best) makes me feel loved and supported when we're apart. He might be snappy or distant during skype conversations and when that is the only interaction I have to look forward to with him after a week apart, it makes me feel unstable. It makes me feel like he's upset and I don't like to see someone I care about upset. And then I have a hard time focusing because he won't let me try and cheer him up - it's like he's determined to make himself and me feel miserable.

gtfo now before he manages to tank your career....which is so much more important than the energy youre wasting on someone who clearly doesnt support you and your decisions.

 

[nontradnyc]

.

 

[nontradnyc]

gtfo now before he manages to tank your career....which is so much more important than the energy youre wasting on someone who clearly doesnt support you and your decisions.

.

 

[fancymylotus]

.

You deleted your response before I could read it and respond to you..

 

[LizLemongrab]

I think he sounds determined to make himself miserable and make you look at it which will only make you miserable in the hopes that he can emotionally manipulate you into leaving school for him like a sick test of which you value more: your education or him with the intent of making the pursuit of education feel selfish to you.

I'm not in NYC right now, but I will be back soon.

I was just away from my husband for 8 weeks to do a research project. In my time away he cleaned some the house by himself, has been cooking for himself, and taught the dog I gave up on training a few new tricks. While my relationship with my husband is a marital one, imperfect, and our origins are unconventional, I think this is what he should be showing you instead. He should be showing you the ways he has been growing to make up for your absence instead of fixating on you coming back. Imagine if he stays in DC and you graduate medical school, you're still engaged or now married, and you enter residency or attending... if he acts this way already, imagine all the years of resentment that could possibly build up. What if in these years when you've achieved what you wanted, he comes around blaming you for his lack of a JD or the pursuit of his dreams? What if he resents all the years you couldn't have spontaneous fun or perhaps were unable to contribute to household chores in a way he determined to be equitable? That's a really ****ty foundation for a marriage.

I'm not going to demand that you tell this guy to bounce, but you guys need to discuss these issues if you want to preserve this relationship. What has he done to pass the time in your absence and has he made any effort towards personal growth or adjusting to the change? To be perfectly honest, I'm not at all optimistic about your situation. The flight surgeon above is right: you could at worst end up with no MD and no husband at the same time. Ending up with the husband but forsaking your dream probably isn't great either because he sounds manipulative, needy, and unsupportive. MD and this guy gone could be good assuming you have career satisfaction and a chance at finding a more compatible and supportive partner. But, people tell me the NYC dating scene is fast-paced and for females it is very strongly influenced by your looks rather than your occupation but there's also research out there saying that most guys prefer to be the primary income earner and feel bad about themselves when they aren't. Luckily, in residency and school that won't be a problem haha.

 

[22031 Alum]

He depends on me fully for emotional support and fixates on the fact that I'm not "here." His idea of "here" is having spontaneous, unplanned last minute nights out at a restaurant, or getting groceries together, or splitting up chores in the home, or all the commodities of a live in partner.

This is the reddest of flags. It doesn't stop with medical school. Residency, fellowship, and even being out in practice place demands on your time that would make spontaneity and constant 'togetherness' difficult. It doesn't sound like he'd do well with that.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

He sounds like a pouty child who is using you as his emotional tampon (either that or some sort of bizarre way of trying to control you via inducing guilt). This does not sound like a healthy relationship at ALL. In fact, it sounds like one you need to get out of. Because 22031 Alum is right. This will not end. Every new step in your career will be the same fight unless you plan to stay in the same place your entire life in order to coddle him. Until he learns to compromise, his inability to deal with real life in a dual professional careers couple will drag you down.

The reason you are not doing well in school is likely not because YOU can't handle the separation. It is because HE is unfairly guilting the hell out of you via overt resentment (of your own admission) and it is damaging your confidence and ability to stand on your own.

Why are you babying him and enabling this behavior? That's the question; but whatever the reason - stop doing it. Set boundaries. You have too much at stake to waste time being his mommy who is around him all the time to wipe his weewee for him and get him juiceboxes.

 

[j4pac]

Thanks for the response. I am actually struggling quite a bit in school, but I am convinced it is because I am not in the physical company of my fiance and because the school has little sense of community and run down facilities (poor learning environment for me). So the problem for me is not that I can't handle the material, but that I need him to support me to do well. My fiance claims he can't support me unless we are in each other's physical presence or unless we can see each other with more regularly consistency.

He can't support you unless he is in your physical presence? Yeah...ditch him.

 

[Arcan57]

You've invested 6 years in someone that, if you're posts are accurate, will never be the type of partner you need given the career you have chosen. He associates love with physical proximity and given what you've mentioned regarding his upbringing it's unlikely this is something that he's going to be motivated to change. It's not that either of you are "in the wrong" but it's also not a relationship with a future. Breaking it off and concentrating on your studies is the smart move. While it sucks that your investment didn't pay off, dumping more time and energy into it won't fix things.

FWIW, it's a huge red flag that you spend your time together fighting without a resolution or committing to changes. Most long distance relationships that are working are essentially intermittent honeymoons. If it's mostly negative experiences, that's him (or you) looking for a way out but not having the courage to just end it.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

You've invested 6 years in someone that, if you're posts are accurate, will never be the type of partner you need given the career you have chosen. He associates love with physical proximity and given what you've mentioned regarding his upbringing it's unlikely this is something that he's going to be motivated to change. It's not that either of you are "in the wrong" but it's also not a relationship with a future. Breaking it off and concentrating on your studies is the smart move. While it sucks that your investment didn't pay off, dumping more time and energy into it won't fix things.

FWIW, it's a huge red flag that you spend your time together fighting without a resolution or committing to changes. Most long distance relationships that are working are essentially intermittent honeymoons. If it's mostly negative experiences, that's him (or you) looking for a way out but not having the courage to just end it.

Yep. Don't fall victim to the relationship version of sunk cost fallacy (i.e. you feel you have spent so much time with the person that breaking it off makes it seem like a waste, but in reality, staying in said broken relationship longer and longer is the true waste).

 

[fancymylotus]

Yep. Don't fall victim to the relationship version of sunk cost fallacy (i.e. you feel you have spent so much time with the person that breaking it off makes it seem like a waste, but in reality, staying in said broken relationship longer and longer is the true waste).

so wise you are