Cousin ruining his career over a girl...

[dsoure]

So I've been a lurker on here for a while but never thought I would need some advice and it turns out I really do! I'm a physical therapist and I share a flat with my cousin who is currently a vascular surgeon trainee but he has been dating a colleague of mine for the past two months who is a vile creature. She is a nurse and works on the same neuro ward as I do so she got to know my cousin and she has been playing him for a long time now. Bearing in mind they have only been dating two months (I thought it was just a fling at first) but she constantly borrows money from him; has him buy her gifts; complains to him when he works overtime and has even got him to change his shifts a few times to spend time with her. She has also cheated on him and when I told him, she completely denied it and he believes her...I have tried to respect their relationship but when I see what she is doing to him, I can't handle it and I am not the only one who has observed this. It is bad enough that he has become her personal bank but it's his career that I am most worried about as already he has actually missed out on a few beneficial work opportunities because of her. The thing is, he is an intelligent guy on many levels and if this was someone else, he would be thinking the same things as me but I guess since he is the one involved, it is difficult for him to see it. I talked to him about it but he thinks I am just over reacting which I am not as his friends brought up the issue with him as well but he does not believe it. I don't want us to fall out because of the girlfriend as I can tolerate her but not her antics and I just can't bare the thought of him ruining what he has spent years working on. Why does romance turn us all into idiots at times!? Do I continue trying to convince him or do I just have to leave it ?

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[1nnocuous]

You told him what the score is and now you drop it. If you continue to try to convince him, you'll only alienate him and push him further into the arms of the toxic girlfriend. With everything that's going on, this relationship will self-destruct soon enough.

 

[deleted480308]

move out and mind your own business

 

[dsoure]

Lol yes because that's exactly how families work. Exactly! In most families, it is a case of "every idiot for himself". I completely and utterly agree with you on that one. But yes she is toxic and hopefully he will see that soon enough!

 

[Seth Joo]

So I've been a lurker on here for a while but never thought I would need some advice and it turns out I really do! I'm a physical therapist and I share a flat with my cousin who is currently a vascular surgeon trainee but he has been dating a colleague of mine for the past two months who is a vile creature. She is a nurse and works on the same neuro ward as I do so she got to know my cousin and she has been playing him for a long time now. Bearing in mind they have only been dating two months (I thought it was just a fling at first) but she constantly borrows money from him; has him buy her gifts; complains to him when he works overtime and has even got him to change his shifts a few times to spend time with her. She has also cheated on him and when I told him, she completely denied it and he believes her...I have tried to respect their relationship but when I see what she is doing to him, I can't handle it and I am not the only one who has observed this. It is bad enough that he has become her personal bank but it's his career that I am most worried about as already he has actually missed out on a few beneficial work opportunities because of her. The thing is, he is an intelligent guy on many levels and if this was someone else, he would be thinking the same things as me but I guess since he is the one involved, it is difficult for him to see it. I talked to him about it but he thinks I am just over reacting which I am not as his friends brought up the issue with him as well but he does not believe it. I don't want us to fall out because of the girlfriend as I can tolerate her but not her antics and I just can't bare the thought of him ruining what he has spent years working on. Why does romance turn us all into idiots at times!? Do I continue trying to convince him or do I just have to leave it ?

Given that she has the power to destroy his life and career for a trivial matter, I say move heaven and earth to convince him to stay away from her, workplace harassment is not a joke, particularly if its a female accusing a male of inappropriate behavior. It does not even matter if the female is in a position that is subordinate to the male or is in a position of power over the male, the guy is almost always seen as guilty until they are proven innocent.

That being said I advised a female on this forum who was interested in dating a male colleague that it would not be in her best interests to do so either.

Its good to date people, but date people outside of work, there are a lot of people in the outside world.

I also hate it that women get away with behavior that would get men in hot water or be seen as creepy. I have had several of my female clinical preceptors on more than a few occasions make not so subtle come ones like winking at me and calling me "handsome". I even filed complaints with my school and was laughed at and told just to ignore it.

 

[steelpoop]

move out and mind your own business

This is a pathetic piece of advice, yet a wonderful illustration of the act of trolling.

 

[Dr.Jekyll75]

Damn those sugar walls must be awfully sweet that he's changing his life for her. You gotta convince him to cut and run man. I know plenty of sirens like this, best thing to do is to have you and all his buddies tell him at the same time that she isn't right for him

 

[steelpoop]

So I've been a lurker on here for a while but never thought I would need some advice and it turns out I really do! I'm a physical therapist and I share a flat with my cousin who is currently a vascular surgeon trainee but he has been dating a colleague of mine for the past two months who is a vile creature. She is a nurse and works on the same neuro ward as I do so she got to know my cousin and she has been playing him for a long time now. Bearing in mind they have only been dating two months (I thought it was just a fling at first) but she constantly borrows money from him; has him buy her gifts; complains to him when he works overtime and has even got him to change his shifts a few times to spend time with her. She has also cheated on him and when I told him, she completely denied it and he believes her...I have tried to respect their relationship but when I see what she is doing to him, I can't handle it and I am not the only one who has observed this. It is bad enough that he has become her personal bank but it's his career that I am most worried about as already he has actually missed out on a few beneficial work opportunities because of her. The thing is, he is an intelligent guy on many levels and if this was someone else, he would be thinking the same things as me but I guess since he is the one involved, it is difficult for him to see it. I talked to him about it but he thinks I am just over reacting which I am not as his friends brought up the issue with him as well but he does not believe it. I don't want us to fall out because of the girlfriend as I can tolerate her but not her antics and I just can't bare the thought of him ruining what he has spent years working on. Why does romance turn us all into idiots at times!? Do I continue trying to convince him or do I just have to leave it ?

I agree that you should try to convince him to leave her if it is interfering with his career. You are obviously close to him and care a lot for him so you wouldn't want to stand back and watch his life being ruined by a girl like that. I've seen even the strongest of people become weakened by romance and it is not a surprise to find that the relationship may last a very long time. But if you are going to address the issue to your cousin, then it has to be done very carefully. Ask him how the relationship is going, be genuine and find out everything that is going on with them but in a supportive way. If there are issues in the relationship then he is sure to tell you and that can be your opportunity to convince him that he should leave her. One could argue that it is manipulative and deceitful, but if it is the only way then go for it! However, stop trying to pick arguments with him over his girlfriend and disrespecting her because it really will push him towards that good-for-nothing *insert vulgar word*.

 

[dsoure]

Haha she is very pretty, in fact, the generalisation of either having brains or beauty does not apply to her! But the personality is a whole other issue. I know that he finds it frustrating when she complains to him about his shift work but I don't think that it is enough for them to break up! I have listened to him talk about their relationship and it seems that they are in the "honeymoon" phase. But if everyone tells him she is not a good match for him, then won't it be like ganging up on him?

 

[The_Sunny_Doc]

If he's the stubborn type who doesn't like to be told what to do, reverse psychology could work. Tell him that they're perfect for eachother and that it's wonderful that he moves his shifts around just for his special woman. Say "It's great that you're with an authoritative woman who wears the pants. Sacrificing your career success for your partner is such a noble act. It must be love for you two! If I had the money, I'd spend it all on lavish gifts for my girl, too..." without sounding sarcastic.

Perhaps when you tell him what's going on in affirmative language, it'll flip a switch that'll make him re-examine the situation. People like to make up their own minds.

 

[Seth Joo]

If he's the stubborn type who doesn't like to be told what to do, reverse psychology could work. Tell him that they're perfect for eachother and that it's wonderful that he moves his shifts around just for his special woman. Say "It's great that you're with an authoritative woman who wears the pants. Sacrificing your career success for your partner is such a noble act. It must be love for you two! If I had the money, I'd spend it all on lavish gifts for my girl, too..." without sounding sarcastic.

Perhaps when you tell him what's going on in affirmative language, it'll flip a switch that'll make him re-examine the situation. People like to make up their own minds.

I used to think Astrology was a bunch of nonsense, in many ways it is, but for determining someone's personality traits it often but not always makes sense, I got a friend who is a Libra, and often we get into arguments, Libras tend to be forgiving people, and he wound up forgiving me. I am guessing if this guy does not take advice very well he must be a Leo, Leos do not like taking advice and are very proud people, usually get insulted very easily.

 

[j4pac]

move out and mind your own business

OP...This is pretty cold in the wording...but I am going to have to agree.

Sometimes you have to let someone make a mistake. He may very well think that you don't like this woman and are looking out for YOUR best interest and not his. And you really need to check yourself on this one. You may not be objective on the matter...so how could you expect your cousin to be objective when he likes the girl?

 

[Seth Joo]

OP...This is pretty cold in the wording...but I am going to have to agree.

Sometimes you have to let someone make a mistake. He may very well think that you don't like this woman and are looking out for YOUR best interest and not his. And you really need to check yourself on this one. You may not be objective on the matter...so how could you expect your cousin to be objective when he likes the girl?

I think family members trying to give advice and helping someone from destroying their life over some stupid romance is a noble deed, given how most modern women are, I think she is doing right thing trying to steer her cousin away from her.

 

[j4pac]

I think family members trying to give advice and helping someone from destroying their life over some stupid romance is a noble deed, given how most modern women are, I think she is doing right thing trying to steer her cousin away from her.

I disagree. She has said her piece. He knows where she stands. Despite that he doesn't care what the OP has to say. This tells me that he thinks that the OP has bias. At this point the OP is only alienating herself from her cousin. She is wasting her time and energy.

And again...this sounds like typical workplace drama. We don't know if any of the OPs acquisitions are true.

 

[steelpoop]

I disagree. She has said her piece. He knows where she stands. Despite that he doesn't care what the OP has to say. This tells me that he thinks that the OP has bias. At this point the OP is only alienating herself from her cousin. She is wasting her time and energy.

And again...this sounds like typical workplace drama. We don't know if any of the OPs acquisitions are true.

Well there are two sides to every story but this is the side we're being told, so it's the side I'm basing my advice and opinions on.
She probably doesn't realise how much she is nagging him about this girlfriend which is why he won't listen.
I agree that her intentions are good at heart because if this woman is interfering with her cousin's career then who wouldn't be worried about it. I think it is more to do with how she conveys her opinion about the girlfriend which is why I think she needs to stop telling him how much she dislikes their relationship and let him think that she approves because that way he will be more open to telling her any problems going on.

Also unless this girlfriend is a serial killer or suffers from a highly contagious disease, I think moving out is a very extreme and immature way of dealing with the issue especially if they have been dating short term. We don't know the relationship OP has with her cousin; the family history; their own past; their financial situation or their personal circumstances so simply moving out and minding your own business actually means nothing.
Both from observations and experience, romance makes you do ridiculous things and it is one thing being used for your money or professional status but as soon as your work performance comes into question then you really do need a slap to the face. I wouldn't advise letting people make their own mistakes when it comes to mixing careers with romantic relationships, particularly with medical training when there are few opportunities for second chances...

 

[dsoure]

OP...This is pretty cold in the wording...but I am going to have to agree.

Sometimes you have to let someone make a mistake. He may very well think that you don't like this woman and are looking out for YOUR best interest and not his. And you really need to check yourself on this one. You may not be objective on the matter...so how could you expect your cousin to be objective when he likes the girl?

That is true...and I guess I should appear to be more supportive of their relationship but it is very difficult. I wouldn't go to the extreme of moving out our flat...I can suck it up and hope that he can see it.

But I think I am being mistaken here and I would like to make it clear that this does not take place at work. He met here outside of work a few times with me being the mutual friend and they liked each other. This isn't a never ending episode of a hospital based drama show where all of the situations I have spoken about take place our hospital. He works on a different ward and our hospital is huge so we actually rarely meet within hospital unless we plan it. And also although I dislike her, I respect that she leaves our issues outside of work, as I do, we are all very civil and professional within work. I don't know how much they interact during work though, I'm never told.

 

[dsoure]

Well there are two sides to every story but this is the side we're being told, so it's the side I'm basing my advice and opinions on.
She probably doesn't realise how much she is nagging him about this girlfriend which is why he won't listen.
I agree that her intentions are good at heart because if this woman is interfering with her cousin's career then who wouldn't be worried about it. I think it is more to do with how she conveys her opinion about the girlfriend which is why I think she needs to stop telling him how much she dislikes their relationship and let him think that she approves because that way he will be more open to telling her any problems going on.

Also unless this girlfriend is a serial killer or suffers from a highly contagious disease, I think moving out is a very extreme and immature way of dealing with the issue especially if they have been dating short term. We don't know the relationship OP has with her cousin; the family history; their own past; their financial situation or their personal circumstances so simply moving out and minding your own business actually means nothing.
Both from observations and experience, romance makes you do ridiculous things and it is one thing being used for your money or professional status but as soon as your work performance comes into question then you really do need a slap to the face. I wouldn't advise letting people make their own mistakes when it comes to mixing careers with romantic relationships, particularly with medical training when there are few opportunities for second chances...

Yes I guess this is why I am concerned about it because he is my cousin and we are very close as a family so why shouldn't I care for him? I think that is what families should do for each other. Probably I agree that the way I have handled it was not the best!
And yup I agree that whilst women like to complain about men who use them for the wrong reasons, it is equally disturbing when you find women using men for the wrong reasons. If it is someone close to you such as a family member then it is very difficult to just mind your own business. I stopped talking negatively about his girlfriend to him and just remain quiet when he brings her up.

 

[j4pac]

That is true...and I guess I should appear to be more supportive of their relationship but it is very difficult. I wouldn't go to the extreme of moving out our flat...I can suck it up and hope that he can see it.

But I think I am being mistaken here and I would like to make it clear that this does not take place at work. He met here outside of work a few times with me being the mutual friend and they liked each other. This isn't a never ending episode of a hospital based drama show where all of the situations I have spoken about take place our hospital. He works on a different ward and our hospital is huge so we actually rarely meet within hospital unless we plan it. And also although I dislike her, I respect that she leaves our issues outside of work, as I do, we are all very civil and professional within work. I don't know how much they interact during work though, I'm never told.

I don't know if supportive is the right term I would use. Civil would be a better term. Supportive would imply that you are condoning his actions. If you disagree with his actions, then he needs to know that...and why you disagree. But I would leave it at that. Let him make his own mistakes and let him know that you are there for him. Most relationships end...you don't want to burn bridges with him.

 

[dsoure]

Hmm okay, I can change my approach. Well thank you ever so much for the response to those of you who made an effort in giving me some advice, I appreciate it a lot as it can be quite annoying reading someone whine over a forum but it truly has helped me a lot!

 

[The_Sunny_Doc]

Hmm okay, I can change my approach. Well thank you ever so much for the response to those of you who made an effort in giving me some advice, I appreciate it a lot as it can be quite annoying reading someone whine over a forum but it truly has helped me a lot!

You are welcome! Sometimes you have to set aside your feelings to act in a way that get results. Good luck!

 

[Seth Joo]

I disagree. She has said her piece. He knows where she stands. Despite that he doesn't care what the OP has to say. This tells me that he thinks that the OP has bias. At this point the OP is only alienating herself from her cousin. She is wasting her time and energy.

And again...this sounds like typical workplace drama. We don't know if any of the OPs acquisitions are true.

I have seen friends destroy their lives because of some silly infatuation they misinterpreted as the love of their lives. This is particularly the case for a lot of men, I advise a lot of guys to be very wary of romances in the work place or in any kind of professional setting. I think she deserves a medal of honor for intervening in her cousin's life.

 

[Winged Scapula]

You guys have been trolled...