Curious --- those currently in relationships with medical professionals

[mshheaddoc]

How long have you been with them? How stable is your relationship?


It seems to me that many people in general don't realize what long term sacrifices significant others and the medical professional go through (relatives and family especially). So I'm curious how many out there have been there through the full gamut? How many are starting in this venture?

I'm going on 7 years+ almost out of fellowship (2/3) and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Starting at the End of 2nd year of school, our life has been chaos.

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[Doctor4Life1769]

do you think the toughest part of it all have been the kids?

 

[mshheaddoc]

I started to write a long response in both my original post and to this question but I'd like to compose a few more thoughts without me revealing so much personal information.

Short Answer - Kids have made it more difficult but not really. The process is still the same. We went through intern year and found out we were pregnant the beginning of 2nd year. 4th yr and intern year were some of the hardest.

Summary - as with any profession, compromise is key and working through the bumps (GOD- so many doggone fecking bumps!). But I can look back at all the experiences we had and wouldn't change a thing. It wouldn't have brought us here. My life is dictated by my husband's schedule. I am a single mother ( for all intents and purposes of child rearing) of 2 children under 3 with a third on the way. With no family or friends within 7 hours to help. It's a struggle to have kids but so many others do it as well. Life will all fall on the non-medical spouse and the spouse has to realize that well in advance. Otherwise they will feel isolated, jaded, and resentful which will never work to maintain a stable relationship. I am SO lucky that I am one of the few who has such a strong foundation. I can only hope that others get to be so lucky.

But honestly, it's what you make out of it with having a family. If you put time and effort into your family regardless of how tired you are, things will work. Hubby hates me because I have no mercy. I expect him to spend time with the kids and help me regardless if he's post-call. I give him time to rest but make sure he has time with them because I know he really does want to see them but is just too exhausted for an effort. Sometimes things work out early, but I ALWAYS believe that things work out for the reason. If things are supposed to work you won't have to exert all the effort all the time. Honesty, loyalty, companionship, and compromise are the 4 things every relationship needs to have a very STRONG bond. Like superglue strong.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

I'm glad it's working out for y'all.

I don't think I'd ever be that lucky.

 

[thegirlfriend]

My boyfriend just started his 3rd year and we started dating his first week of medical school. Things have been tough, but we've been able to make it through. So far, it seems like year 3 is going to be pretty easy compared to the past 2 for the simple reason of when he's free, he's actually free. Also, this is the part he's been waiting for, so he's so much happier with life, in general, which makes it easier to be in a happy relationship.

I feel like we both have personalities suited to having this kind of relationship, though, which makes it easier to handle. He's super loyal and willing to do anything to make it work, while I'm extremely independent and value my time alone. If I was a bit more needy and he was a bit more flippant, I don't think it would work at all.

Although, I'm a little worried because I know after this year, we've got the 2 toughest years ahead.

So, OP, my question is this: how did you fare during 4th and intern years?

 

[mshheaddoc]

4th year is nerve wracking. You don't know if you match and you have 3 months to move when you find out. Lovely. Plus rotations if you have travel suck. It was hell. Then intern year sucked even more. You never see your SO and while these lovely new "rules" help intern year im sure, you still get crushed for the remainder of residency depending obviously what specialty he goes into. Hubby was exhausted during intern year. Constantly. You have a big adjustment from school and you might have to make a lot of changes in how things are done. Med skool was nothing on residency from an SO standpoint in my opinion. Plus trying to make ends meet with moonlighting doesn't help.

 

[allthatglitter]

I have been with my girlfriend for four years. We met freshman year of college at a library we're both going to the same med school this fall. Our relationship is pretty stable she proposed to me this summer so we hope to get married soon.

 

[dozitgetchahi]

Got married as a junior in college. Had 1st child 5 months ago.

The marriage, unfortunately, is on the verge of falling apart despite my absolute best effort to be the glue that holds it all together. Spouse, I feel, was unprepared for the compromises and intensity of medical school despite my best efforts to prepare her. She is bitter that at this point in my 'career' I'm not yet making money - she thinks I should be working a job on top of med school (really?!?) and is continuously bitter about having to 'support' me.

I dropped the ball as well - first and second year I was way too focused on grades that (it turns out) barely matter, and I honestly didn't carve out as much time for her as I should have during those years. (This is something that really saddens me even to this day.) Additionally, I made the mistake of thinking that it would be ok to move 400 miles from all family members to go to medical school (to anyone planning med school right now - never do this unless you have to!!! Living far away from family support sucks like nothing you've ever imagined!), and spouse had trouble finding a job at first. All of these issues came together into a perfect storm of stress, arguing, etc that may well have brought this relationship to its knees - and the most heartbreaking part is that we're so close (less than a year) from the point where we can move back to where we'd both be much happier.

Take home message: med school/residency training is really, really tough on relationships. I thought mine was rock solid before med school started. Another guy in my med school class had what I thought was a terrific marriage...now he's a divorcee. He spent a metric ton of time with his wife all throughout medical school, but after a while she seemed to feel it still wasn't enough. (There were other issues at play too, but that seemed to be the biggest.) Spouses, if you're reading this - I know it's rough at times, but sometimes you just gotta keep the faith. I promise there's a way better life coming after residency (well...maybe not if your SO is a surgeon or something, but still). And leaving your 'doctor in training' spouse at one of the points where it gets really stressful is just about the cruelest thing you could possibly do.

 

[thegirlfriend]

mshheaddoc -- thanks for your response. I think one of the tougher parts of 4th and intern year will be the transition from seeing each other a fair amount to not seeing each other very much at all. But hearing that you both went through hell and came through to the other side still together and (i'm assuming) happy, gives me hope.

dozitgetchahi -- what you said about "leaving your 'doctor in training' spouse at one of the points where it gets really stressful is just about the cruelest thing you could possibly do" really struck home for me. At the start of 3rd year, I gave my bf a lot of **** because the schedule he was given sounded absolutely terrible (it's actually turning out to be better than the 1st half of med school) and I didn't see how I fit into it at all. But he gave it right back, telling me that I didn't see how hard this was going to be for him and how worried he was about everything coming up. So, realizing that how difficult it is for the SO is only a fraction of the stress the med student is feeling is important for gaining perspective. Any time I think I'm getting the short end of the stick and consider walking away, I remind myself that if this is someone I truly care about, why would I leave him in a lurch during the most difficult time in his life?

But as a sidenote: having a career that I'm really excited about, myself, makes everything a little bit easier.

 

[PTwife]

I've been with my husband for 10 years. Married for 4. We got married after undergrad and he his now pursuing his DPT. We are just at the end of the first year with 3 more to go (2 + Residency).

I totally agree about nobody understanding how tasking this is - even with us and we only have 4 years of his school to deal with! I can't imagine having even longer. Even his family doesn't really understand what we go through. His school is our world. In an attempt to be involved so that he isn't going it alone, it ends up being my world too. I don't think there is any way others can really understand the commitment, time and energy it takes.

The worst is when they try to be helpful with suggestions that are totally unhelpful because they just don't understand! (i.e. he is looking for a pediatric clinical and they say he should just intern at any old place because they will have peds - they just don't get it.) I have to tell myself to relax and not get frustrated.

 

[Ser Demetrius]

How long have you been with them? How stable is your relationship?


It seems to me that many people in general don't realize what long term sacrifices significant others and the medical professional go through (relatives and family especially). So I'm curious how many out there have been there through the full gamut? How many are starting in this venture?

I'm going on 7 years+ almost out of fellowship (2/3) and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Starting at the End of 2nd year of school, our life has been chaos.

>1.5 years/ moderately stable.