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Dating and Relationships while a resident.

Discussion in 'General Residency Issues' started by RussianJoo, 01.18.09.

  1. RussianJoo

    RussianJoo Useless Member

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    I am a 3rd year medical student and I am single. I don't have time to be in a serious relationship right now and a lot of the girls I go out with don't want to be in a relationship with someone who's as busy as me. Doing well in the wards is important to me and I often stay an hour or two extra to help the team out, I also spend all weekdays reading and going to the gym or sleeping, if I am not at the hospital. My free time right now is basically just on the weekends, and I don't think I'll have more free time once I become a resident. I have also noticed that a lot of the residents and even fellow students are already married or engaged to be married. So my question is am I doomed to be single until I finish residency? It seems like if you don't have a significant other by now it's almost impossible to meet someone. I eventually want to get married and have a family but just don't see how I will have time for that.

    Anyone else in my situation? Anyone start a residency while being single and now in a successful serious relationship? I know that I can always date residents or nurses but how many of you have actually met someone from a non-medical profession?

    all comments are welcome, and than you in advance for the replies.
  2. CaptainXRT

    CaptainXRT Chief Resident

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    The answer is called internet dating my friend. You can meet people during residency. Internet dating just helps things happen more efficiently, because it's very difficult to find the time to get out and meet folks the old fashioned way. good luck!
  3. Bruingirl6

    Bruingirl6

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    I was single when I was an intern. I had a very bad intern year, and only went on one date. However, I met my husband 2nd year, and am now happily married. It is possible to meet people who can tolerate a resident's lifestyle. My husband actually likes having a lot of time to pursue his own interests.
  4. lisichka

    lisichka certified demonologist

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    if u cute, i;ll date ya:p
    just kidding. too buzy. but i know many people that started dating and got married during residency/fellowship. so no worries. :)
    Last edited: 01.18.09
  5. IndyXRT

    IndyXRT

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    This is true. I was signle coming out of medical school. I met my wife via internet dating during my intern year. It can be done.
  6. Winged Scapula

    Winged Scapula Cougariffic! Administrator SDN Senior Moderator Lifetime Donor

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    Although we are no longer together, I met my former SO my first month of internship and stayed together through a long residency and fellowship.

    I know several other residents who were able to meet someone and even end up getting married during residency. Meeting people outside the hospital (if important to you) obviously takes more effort, but can be done.
  7. Tone2002

    Tone2002 Senior Member

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    WOW, and its just over...
  8. dragonfly99

    dragonfly99

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    I'm not going to lie...dating as an intern is damn hard.
    My impression is it's fairly easy for guys who are docs to find women to date...whether most of them are the type you'd want for a serious girlfriend is another thing. There were a few people in my intern class who managed to meet folks and got into serious relationships...don't remember whether anybody got married except those who already were engaged. Oh yeah, two guys met nurses who they married. One guy met a woman during his first year of endocrine fellowship and is now married.

    If you are looking to settle down, you just have to make dating a priority, etc. But I really think it is tough when you are an intern. If you do something other than surgery, then things start getting quite a bit better as your progress up through the ranks/years and you will have more free time.
  9. RussianJoo

    RussianJoo Useless Member

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    thanks for your replies. i am not too worried about finding that special someone. Just wanted to get some input on the topic. Hopefully I won't have to do a surgical residency but it is a back up so we'll see how things go.
  10. buckley

    buckley

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    I'm sure you'll be able to date outside the field if you really wanted to. You get at least a full day off each week ;)
  11. dtminhthu

    dtminhthu Ms. D

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    I'm in 1st year med school, still have plenty of time on my hand. Currently dating a guy in his 1st year surgery residency. Yes, he's very busy. We talk on the fone about twice a week or more and see each other twice a month roughly. Not bad.
  12. Danae00

    Danae00 Away from Boards...

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    .
    Last edited: 05.10.10
  13. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

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    Hi,

    I could really use some advice on the following:

    I have been dating a 4th year resident for a few months now. In the beginning it was awesome and then when I started to question the relationship- he fell back for a while- expressing to me that I was stressing the relationship too much. So this time around I am trying to be more understanding especially since he has a big test this month and his Boards in June. He has been studying like crazy and I must admit that I miss him and am frustrated to say the least. I understand the constant studying but wish he would give me a date or a few hours a week. He has told me that his career is very important and does not like to feel like his relationship is a chore but how do others cope- I am in school, work ful ltime and have a chidl as well. I can understand busy but I am also a female that would like a bit of time. I over analyze and know that I am taking it his absense personal- wndering if there is another of if he doesnt care -yet he will answer my texts and even reached out to me during the holidays. Please help, how do I cope, what can I do if anything- Help and thanks in advance
  14. shopsteward

    shopsteward

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    You are only a few months into the relationship. It sounds as if you were relying on him being around, and pressing to have more of his time than he had (or wanted) to give, when you were only a few weeks into the relationship. That's not realistic, given that this man is by definition hard-working and career-orientated, and still in the process of establishing his future in the medical profession. You might find that he has more time for you after taking Boards, but a large proportion of doctors tend to work long hours even after qualification (this is a bit dependent on what his speciality is).

    If you want someone who is around more of the time now, go and find whoever it is. If you want someone who is around a lot of the time in the future, a doctor may not be the best partner for you. If you want this man in particular, think of the months up to June as an investment in the future, and see how it pans out from there. How do you cope until then? By being your own independent person with a full life of their own, who likes this man and the limited time and effort you can give to each other, but is in no way dependent on him.

    Finally, remember that the above is free and anonymous advice over the internet, and worth exactly what you have paid for it.
  15. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

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    Shopsteward:

    Thank you so very much for your response. it has truly helped a great deal. We have been dating for 5 months now and I guess I never really thought how the impending Boards could stress a person out. He has been very vocal about what he expects and I guess communication is key. Is it normal if I havent actually seen him in 3 weeks but he will return my texts? Is it rude or wrong if I simply cook for him - every one deserves a homecooked meal or should I just let him be and give him the space that he needs? Hopefully when he has a free moment he will then reach out :)

    One last thing, he recently went to visit his family and attended a dinner that the resdients were holding- is it wrong for me to think that when an available moment presents itself he would be more inclined to maybe relax and shoot the breeze with me?

    I dont mean to sound needy and if I do not is not my intention- I simply would like to know how I should play my position when I truly truly care for this person and see a good future between us. I can fall back and relax, I simply need to know the person feels the same for me.

    Hope you can understand.

    (please know that I truly appreciate any advise you offer)
  16. LucidSplash

    LucidSplash Vac Ninja Extraordinaire

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    Do not take this the wrong way, but out of curiosity, have you had the "exclusivity" conversation explicitly or are you just assuming it? "Dating for 5 months" doesn't tell me enough about the relationship here to be able to give my $0.02. Your comments here do strike me as a little "needy" and I wonder if that is because it is not clear that you and this person are on the same page regarding the status of your relationship. Like other's have said beware the perils of free internet advice. The fact that I am a female surgery resident with a "big test" coming up at the end of the month also likely colors my perspective.
  17. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

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    LucidSplash:

    Hi- thank you for your feedback- Yes we did speak about that. When we first starting going out - I was extremely caught of guard. I ahad never dated a resident before and idid not know what was expected of me. So when he fell back for a good number of weeks I never knew what went wrong- we we finally spoke again after sometime- I expressed my need for communication and asked how was I supposed to understand anything if there was such a lack of communication- I then asked if he wanted to simply leave things alone and be friends or what- He expressed that he would like for us to be exclusive (just him and I) and that he would learn to communicate more. I hear from him via text and I guess that should be enough for now and bc of his schedule but please understand that this person wasnt like this in the beginning - this may also be due to the fact that the boards are soon to come up, so maybe this is considered "crunch time". I just feel that there needs to be some form of communication - if you are busy I get it- but when I hear nothing for days at a time it forces me to think irrational thoughts. Should I simply fall back and allow him to contact me and request to see me when he has a free moment or do I continue to check in from time to time? - Please note that I am being very vocal here (bcI am venting) but when he texts me I act cool and mellow- I just need to know how best to play my position.

    Thank you again for your time.
  18. LucidSplash

    LucidSplash Vac Ninja Extraordinaire

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    Nothing "forces" you to think irrational thoughts in this situation; we all have insecurities and lack of communication can certainly bring them into play but you can also exercise logic and reflection to avoid letting your insecurities get the best of you.

    1) I would wait until after the "big test" this month and see if there is any change. As a resident myself with our in-service exam coming up, I can say that right now we are all quite a bit less social than average.

    2) I think it would be reasonable to divine from this situation that this is what you can expect from your significant other when there is a similar major event in his life which requires a lot of preparation. I'm not offering a moral judgment here one way or the other, just saying that this is information on your sig other's personality in this type of situation as well as how you respond to it. I tend to think it is poor logic to assume that someone's actions/inactions/attitude/etc, are most likely to be a "one-time" thing and will be totally different after X is over and never occur again.

    3) It is great to ask for what you need (ie more communication) and I support that you have done so. But after that, you can only respond to your sig other's behavioral response. If you don't get what you asked for, that is a response and you can either accept that or not; my personal perspective is that your choice at that point is to decide if you can live with not getting what you asked for or if you can't. If you can't, then move on.
    Last edited: 01.07.13
  19. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

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    Wow- this makes alot of sense. Thank you very much. It helps to know that I am not wrong for wanting more "communication". I will take a step back and focus on my own studies and myself for now. In keeping myself occupied, I will be less inclined to simply worry about what he is doing- hopefully he will step it up once this test is aced (at least temporarily) . I dont want to run him off and appreciate your thoughts- since I have never dealt with a man in this field, I feel that I would have messd it up if I continued to act up or not consider the extreme stress that he is under at this time. Maybe he will even appreciate the fact that I havent acted up or started thinking crazy (even though we both know that is not the case) - Thank you for your feedback. Since he is due to pick a location/job soon (once he passes his boards and he may leave out out of the country - should I discuss this with him as well (in terms to where I fit in if at all) or should I just chill and allow time and the next 6 months leads up to that discussion? - I tend to overanalyze alot as you can tell :( (please note that he has discussed wanting kids and how our kids will look numerous times.
  20. LucidSplash

    LucidSplash Vac Ninja Extraordinaire

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    The underlying "crazy" will be exposed to him eventually. It always is. You should focus more on actually not "thinking crazy" rather than just trying not to "appear crazy."

    I think you should focus less on what he says ("our kids would be awesome") and focus more on what he does. IMHO, the latter is usually a better indicator of someone's plan of action or perspective than what they say. If he wants to include you/wants your perspective/sees you fitting into his future with regard to job/location, then he will include you in that process and he will initiate your involvement. If he doesn't? That's an answer.
  21. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

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    Thank you very much- your advice has helped a great deal and actually put me at ease. I wish you all the very best on your exam. :)
  22. Noegrus

    Noegrus

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    Just FWIW on the topic of online dating, on Match.com I have found every truly weird/crazy chick that I ever went out on a date with. I met them all in real life before asking them out. Later realized that they were also on the aforementioned site while prowling through. One of them was a final year med student who was probably on amphetamines, another two are residents that I know in real life. Personal experience: any attractive girl >22 yo who is smart, doesn't have an all-consuming career, and is true relationship material will be ringed up. Ofc, if you want serial daters/expectation queens/short-term-relationship types then you would find them aplenty on OKCupid and Match. Good luck!
  23. LucidSplash

    LucidSplash Vac Ninja Extraordinaire

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    What utter drek. :rolleyes: Only because overly broad generalizations and turnabout are fair play on the internets:

    Just FWIW on the topic of online dating, on Match.com I have found every truly lecherous/neanderthalic dude that I ever went out on a date with. Even filtering out the ones who can't spell, insist on using text speak for all communications, who directly or indirectly dog their ex-girlfriends in their profiles, don't appear to have a job, and are over 30 and still live with roommates, most of the ones I have dared to meet for a casual date IRL are weird, stupid, or lazy. One of them showed me the wart removal scars on his hands and asked me to guess what they were "because [I'm] a doctor," one bragged to me on our date about how "awesome" it is to be a guy in the south because "girls are so desperate to get married that a guy can be old and fat and still marry a hot young chick" and then suggested that surgeons are "arrogant" for holding their hands in front of them immediately after scrubbing, and several seem to take responding to an e-mail as a greenlight to send unsolicited pictures of their anatomy. Personal experience: an attractive man >25 yo who is intelligent, mature, financially stable, emotionally available, unthreatened by a woman with a challenging career, and is true relationship material will not be interested in online dating. Ofc, if you want oversized children/serial daters/wannabe players/kings of the trailer park types then you would find them aplenty on EHarmony and Match. Good luck!

    <The above is an example of satire, for the uninitiated>

    In reality I have met at least a couple decent humans via online dating and tend to keep them as good friends even though we were not good relationship material for each other. But there certainly are a lot of crazies. They make for good stories at cocktail parties.
  24. pencilcase

    pencilcase

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    Great post Lucid!

    my $0.02, the older you get ,the harder it gets to meet the right person for marriage.I am >25 and anytime I meet a good looking guy, always turns out that they are married, a douche, or just weird in a way that I cannot look past. btw this is a big generalization based on my experiences...
  25. smq123

    smq123 John Singer Sargent Administrator SDN Senior Moderator SDN Advisor

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    I don't think there's anything wrong with taking time to visit family.

    And you have to understand - for many many residents, their fellow residents are like a second family. It's not unusual for a resident to spend 15 hours a day with some of these people, under very stressful circumstances. The hours I spent with my fellow residents, hanging out on L&D waiting for our patient to deliver, or hanging out in the ED doing admissions together (usually exchanging F-bombs) forged a really strong bond, to the point that I consider those people to be like brothers and sisters. I mean....we used to call our program director "Papa Bear," and our program coordinator the "Den Mother." Don't underestimate how important it is for him to hang out with his fellow residents and relax.

    He may leave the country?? :confused: What specialty is he in? What country is he from?
  26. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

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    @smq123

    Thanks for your thoughts. I didn't realize the bond that residents have with eachother. He is currently working in NJ and will eventually have to choose where he wants to stay, he is looking about going to D.C., philly just to name a few. He is in obstetrics.
  27. gutonc

    gutonc No Meat, No Treat Administrator SDN Senior Moderator

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    Are you for real? While NJ may seem like a different planet sometimes, it's in the same country as Philly and DC.
  28. Law2Doc

    Law2Doc 5K+ Member Moderator Emeritus

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    Have you seen Jersey Shore? Totally another planet.

    To OP, I think if you can't put off all these needs for better communication or attention until after your guys test, your relationship will flame out very quickly. The worst thing you can do is get all possessive or weird right before this test. More importantly, I think if you depend on your guy as the primary source of your entertainment, then someone in the medical field might not be a good choice of a mate. The relationships with physicians that tend to do better are ones where both have their own interests and focuses. The hours in medicine are long, the job demanding, and there will be times here you aren't his primary focus and your need for better communication will simply have to take a back seat to other things he has going on. Boards are a good example. Leave him be, and if he only has time to text then that is the deal or move on.
  29. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

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    @ Law2Doc-

    Thank you for your point of view. It makes a lot of sense and I will take a step back and focus on what I need to do for me. You are def right, he is under alot of stress and I would hate to mess things up when I truly care for this person. I will stay positive and in due time him and I will find time for one another. I dont think I was wrong to feel the way I did, but I never stopped to think how overwhelmed he must be at this point. At least he is texting, which says something. If there was nothing there, no feeling what so ever a text could always be ignored/dismissed.

    Your advice is appreciated and I thaknk you for taking the time to give me your point of view.
  30. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

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    @gutonc- he is also looking into Chicago, Texas, Florida. :(
  31. gutonc

    gutonc No Meat, No Treat Administrator SDN Senior Moderator

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    Also not different countries.
  32. MEDICALLYHIGH

    MEDICALLYHIGH

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    Russian, I wouldn't worry about it man, I'd say hang loose and good things will come. I met my current girlfriend when I was on my Family Medicine rotation and things just clicked. It'll be tougher when I get to residency, but she's family medicine so she'll have time. Just get out with groups when you can to maximize your exposure. Also, if you're really crushing yourself with work and sacrificing the finer things in life, it might be worth it to consider a career/specialty change.
  33. gutonc

    gutonc No Meat, No Treat Administrator SDN Senior Moderator

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    It is my sincere hope that, 4 years later, the OP has figured things out, one way or another.
  34. GoSpursGo

    GoSpursGo Allons-y! Administrator SDN Senior Moderator

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    I'm still not exactly sure how all of those states qualify as "out of the country"... but if this is an issue, you need to decide for yourself if this is a person you're willing to move with. If he's interested in academics, or if there's just a better job market for OB in certain locations (not sure personally if that's the case, but maybe), then that may just be the reality of his situation and no amount of chilling and allowing time will change that. If that would indeed be a deal-breaker to you, then yeah, you should ask what he's thinking and see if there's a place for you in that plan.

    Seriously, 95% of the time that I hear the question, "Should I talk to my SO about __________," the answer is yes.
  35. gutonc

    gutonc No Meat, No Treat Administrator SDN Senior Moderator

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    Every time a new post pops up on this thread I think

    "He's just not that into you."

    and

    DTMFA

    It's up to you to decide which one is most appropriate in this situation.
  36. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

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    Thanks everyone. Sorry for any confusion, but he is leaving out of the state not the country - no wonder it did not make sense to many.

    Thanks for all the advice, I see that I am stressing more than anything and need to take it easy. Hopefully after the test things will change and I can make a decision then. :) - hoping for a positive outcome.
  37. cheruka

    cheruka

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    I love this :rolleyes:
    I am a parent and I started med school with a full-time working busy husband and a 2 yr old. Since I made my family a priority, I was looked down upon by my much younger classmates as someone who is not that serious about medicine. I never asked for help from any of them, mostly studied by myself. I made it through and about to graduate. I never had household help or family living near by. I never had loans either because I had a good engineering job before.:thumbup:

    I see most of my much-younger classmates struggling to find a date or failing in relationships. All I am saying is- be nice to the parents in the class, they know their priorities and they are raising the next generation. They are working a lot harder than you can ever imagine.
  38. smq123

    smq123 John Singer Sargent Administrator SDN Senior Moderator SDN Advisor

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    :confused: What does this have to do with dating while a resident?
  39. Dumb

    Dumb USMLE Tutor - PM me for info

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    lol
  40. chiz2kul

    chiz2kul t.roll.ed for Banning

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    no no no, food is always good, trust me.
  41. Arcan57

    Arcan57 Junior Member

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    So unless you've got nothing going on career-wise and where he moves is going to be a desirable place to live for you then I wouldn't even consider moving with him. While this may be an unusually busy in terms of studying, etc. the fact that he isn't including you in his social activities is a pretty accurate clue that he doesn't feel an all-consuming soul-searing love for you. Which is ok, not every relationship needs that. However, from the overall tone of your posts I don't think you're going to be ok with that from a psychic well-being point of view. It is possible that he really wants to spend time with you but hasn't figured out the necessary time management skills to make it happen. It's more likely he considers this a pretty casual relationship (he's willing to be exclusive because he doesn't have time to pursue other women) and that you're in for a painful emotional fall when you realize where you fit into his life.

    You're better off spending the time you're using on worrying about his view of you to work on improving your own life (hobbies, charity work, career, etc.). Once you've got your life optimized, see if he still fits into it.
  42. Acherona

    Acherona Senior Member

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    Nobody forced you to procreate and sorry, you don't get extra niceness for it. This attitude is probably why your classmates "looked down" on you, not cuz you have a kid.
  43. cheruka

    cheruka

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    09.08.12
    Messages:
    281
    Status:
    Resident [Any Field]
    SDN 2+ Year Member
    Nope, you don't get it. Being nice just means just that. Saying Hi for example. We all should be nice to every one, parent or not. Who cares for "extra-nice"? To each his own.
  44. akhim

    akhim

    Joined:
    10.06.12
    Messages:
    70
    Status:
    Medical Student
    and if you decide to DTMFA, I can give you the emotional security you're looking for
  45. Cancer1982

    Cancer1982

    Joined:
    01.07.13
    Messages:
    10
    @Arcan57
    Thank you for your response.

    I am also working on my own career and taking care of things for my future. Fortunately I have the luxary to be able to practice anywhere as well, which is why I would be willing to relocate if necessary. Yes I agree, he may not feel this all consuming love for me, but I am hoping that things will get better once this exam is over. That will be the biggest test... if things remain the same then I will undersatnd that I simply cared too much and he didnt give a damm- communication would have helped a great deal - bc no one likes to waste their time. Yes actions speak louder than words, but I believe that when dating a resident, especially last year, they are under so many demands and pressures that they sometimes fail to see anything other than accomplishing their goals. (Just my opinion) I agree that he does not know how to manage his time well and I get the sucky end of the deal :( You are also probably right with the idea that he does not have the time to date so I fall into the "exclusive chick" role simply bc he does not have time to date which is not flattering to say the least. I care a great deal about this man and do not like him bc he he will simply be this amazing doctor but bc I truly do like him as a person and see a great future for us both (but both of us need to feel this way)- I too will have a very promising career and know that I am a great catch as well. I do not want to feel like I am someone he settles for temporarily bc I know my worth. Hopefully after the test things will change - only time will tell.
  46. dragonfly99

    dragonfly99

    Joined:
    05.15.08
    Messages:
    5,083
    Status:
    Attending Physician
    SDN 5+ Year Member
    I agree w/Arcan,
    but I also think it could just be stress and lack of time management skills and extreme business of this guy...especially if he is a surgical resident. Their in service exam is very high stakes (a lot of importance placed on how they score versus other people, for example).

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