Dependent Mother who wants me to drop out of Medical School

[microshar88]

Hi,
I'm sorry for the blunt title of the thread. However, I'm going through a huge challenge in my family life right now and I wanted to get some advice so as to what I can do on my end.

I'm a 23 year old 3rd year medical student at a DO school. I started my rotations in July and decided to move back in with my parents as they were going through a difficult time and I wanted to be close to my 12 year old brother as I suspect he has been taking a fair amount of stress as I was away for 2 years.

My mother is a long term sufferer of severe anxiety and depressive mood, I have tentatively diagnosed her as being bipolar, however, she refuses to seek psychiatric care and tells me that I am the one with issues. She has a very poor control on her anger and gets verbally very abusive and insists that I've been poisoned by my father. We found out 2 years ago that she had been having intimate relations with several men and my father decided he wanted to end the marriage of 25 years. He and I also agreed that it is unsafe for my 12 year old brother to be with her.

He filed for divorce and made separate living arrangements for both her and himself. My mother is constantly blaming me for this and insists that I am a cold and heartless human being who doesn't have the humanistic qualities of being a physician. She has been very irrate lately and insists that she's going to make sure that my medical school finds out about me not being there for her. She suffers from herniated discs and insists that I should be spending more time with her taking care of her and answering her phone calls etc. However, I am either trying to channel my energy in rotations or trying to study in the library. I just don't want to get behind in school because of this stress.

I have never revealed the name of my university she just knows it is in Arizona. She has been threatening that she will go and call the Dean of the University and have me expelled. I was wondering if there is any act such as FERPA that can prevent the school from having her have an impact on my education? I just want to be on the safe side and I know my mom love's me and is just angry at the situation (she's 53, going through a divorce, empty nest syndrome), but I am just trying to make something of myself so that I can be useful to them.

I know that this seems like a very troll-like post, however, it's genuine and I wanted to find out if anyone has any tips for me so as to how to address something like this. Thanks in advance.

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[ruralsurg4now]

Not to be mean, but her threats are not an expression of anger at her situation, it's her either having a psychiatric disorder (as you postulated) or a behavioral disorder. Either way, it's pathological and destructive. Therefore, the first step is for you to openly embrace that, since understandably you probably feel uncomfortable saying that about your mother. Second of all, she can't get you expelled, although she certainly could cause you a lot of embarrassment by calling and harassing your Dean (although this is most likely an empty threat intended to control you via fear). Basically, the only thing you can do is ignore her. If she calls, then she calls. There's nothing you can do and she may make this threat during residency, too. This is one of the reasons there is a stigma about psychiatric diagnoses -- the behavior is outside the norm and it causes us to be ashamed. But the reality is nobody is going to think less of YOU because she calls (which I stress, she probably won't).

Basically, since she is attempting to control you, you have to fight fire with fire. You can just cut her out of your life, which seems harsh, but as she ceases being able to threaten you, she'll realize it. You can then gradually reinitiate the level of contact that YOU want and, if she gets out of line, again cut her off. She'll get the message relatively quickly. In other words, if she can never talk to you, she will lose her ability to threaten you. PM me if you want additional thoughts or just want to talk and hang in there.

 

[microshar88]

Thanks for the reply. I found out actually that she did in fact call a neighboring school to find out if I went there. The lady told her that I did not go to their school, but probably another one nearby and that any information cannot be disclosed to her via FERPA.However, I think that is more of a financial aid restriction. She wanted to know where my preceptors office is, which hospitals does the school contract, and what my hours are. In essence, she wants to know why I can't be with her when I am off (i.e. I finish at 2 PM, she thinks instead of going to the library to study for my shelf, I should come home right away and try and facilitate a reconciliation between her and my father). She is blaming me for the marriage falling apart and wants me to fix the damage. I think she has very paranoid ideations and is quite delusional, which is why I want to minimize my contact with her. I honestly hate the situation, however, one thing that a very wise psychiatrist who I had as a preceptor told me was that you can't love others without loving yourself first (i.e I can't be of any help to anyone unless I take care of myself). At any rate, I agree with you that her actions suggest an underlying psychiatric issue and I am making active efforts to isolate myself from the situation as best as I can. It's a very unfortunate situation, and there's no magic wand in life. I'm just going to try and isolate myself from the situation as you suggested. In addition, I agree with you, that I can't keep her from calling people at my school, including my Dean, and I am hoping that in won't affect my position in front of the school authorities (faculty, dean etc.) when it comes time to applying for residencies and continuing into 4th year.

 

[ruralsurg4now]

It won't affect your applying for residency. But, again, you cannot let fear of her actions control your life. It might seem harsh, but cut her out of your life, at least temporarily. It will demonstrate that you control the situation, not her. Basically, understand that she can't control you with no contact. The absolute worst she could do is keep calling around to try to find you, but the only thing they'll do is just hang up on her because as soon as she asks them where you are or what your schedule is, they'll wonder why she can't get it from you directly. Don't live your life in fear.

 

[tarheel1408]

Maybe it's just me, but I think ruralsurg's idea is not the best way to go. First of all, this woman has some sort of illness with which she needs help. I think the last thing she needs right now is for her son to abandon her. Obviously you don't have to bend your life to her will, but I think it would be extremely irresponsible to just drop out of her life entirely. Maybe you insist that she actually sees a psychiatrist or something, so that you aren't her therapist. She's also your mother... You only get one of those..

 

[Smurfette]

Keep in mind that if your mother should call your school and start ranting about you, she is going to sound crazy. They are not going to believe a random caller and put things that person says into your Dean's letter; not to mention the fact that anything she says has no relevance with your school performance. If anything, they may let you know they got a random call or notify you that someone was inquiring about you. Just focus on doing as well as you can and don't let her empty threats get to you.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

My mother is a long term sufferer of severe anxiety and depressive mood, I have tentatively diagnosed her as being bipolar, however, she refuses to seek psychiatric care and tells me that I am the one with issues. She has a very poor control on her anger and gets verbally very abusive and insists that I've been poisoned by my father. We found out 2 years ago that she had been having intimate relations with several men and my father decided he wanted to end the marriage of 25 years. He and I also agreed that it is unsafe for my 12 year old brother to be with her.

He filed for divorce and made separate living arrangements for both her and himself. My mother is constantly blaming me for this and insists that I am a cold and heartless human being who doesn't have the humanistic qualities of being a physician. She has been very irrate lately and insists that she's going to make sure that my medical school finds out about me not being there for her......

I have never revealed the name of my university she just knows it is in Arizona. She has been threatening that she will go and call the Dean of the University and have me expelled......

She is blaming me for the marriage falling apart and wants me to fix the damage. I think she has very paranoid ideations and is quite delusional, which is why I want to minimize my contact with her. I honestly hate the situation, however, one thing that a very wise psychiatrist who I had as a preceptor told me was that you can't love others without loving yourself first (i.e I can't be of any help to anyone unless I take care of myself).

Maybe it's just me, but I think ruralsurg's idea is not the best way to go. First of all, this woman has some sort of illness with which she needs help. I think the last thing she needs right now is for her son to abandon her. Obviously you don't have to bend your life to her will, but I think it would be extremely irresponsible to just drop out of her life entirely. Maybe you insist that she actually sees a psychiatrist or something, so that you aren't her therapist. She's also your mother... You only get one of those..

I completely disagree. This woman isn't just a depressed mom, she is absolutely toxic, unstable, controlling, verbally/emotionally abusive and needs outside help. As most the OP should suggest therapy, but it seems she has already refused that.

Yes, family is important, but you also need to know when to cut people out of your life for the sake of your own well-being and sanity. Toxic relationships like this, especially where one party is threatening the career and mental well-being of the other, need to be eliminated.

Ending contact with her is not being irresponsible. He does not have a responsibility to help her when all she has done is try to **** up his life and tell him what a horrible person he is, parent or not. He has his own life to take responsibility for. All this woman is doing is trying to guilt him, in a very emotionally abusive manner, into taking care of her.

 

[VenusinFurs]

She also seems to have no insight into the fact she has a problem, which means that no one can force that insight on her. Honestly it sounds sort of like a personality disorder. Family do NOT make good therapists, and she needs therapy.

If she does call the school, it will not reflect badly on you at all. Don't worry about that.

 

[microshar88]

Thanks for the tips and insight. It's truly a nightmare receiving 50 missed calls and voicemessages from her within the past 2 days saying that I need to call her right away or else she will call the school. However, I am just going to do my best to ignore her and cut her off from my life.

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

Thanks for the tips and insight. It's truly a nightmare receiving 50 missed calls and voicemessages from her within the past 2 days saying that I need to call her right away or else she will call the school. However, I am just going to do my best to ignore her and cut her off from my life.

If you remained concerned about the calling your school aspect of this...you could be proactive. Schedule a meeting with your dean, explain (briefly) the issues involved. I'd probably flat out tell them that your mother has a diagnosis (schizophrenia with delusions of persecution perhaps). That way if she does call they at least have some context for what is going on.

 

[studentp0x]

Your mom isn't calling anyone, don't worry.

 

[stlrams22]

I don't think schools can confirm if you attend their school. It seems like that would be pointless. If they don't know you attend a school then it doesn't really matter. I suggest moving away and slowly coming back into her life, if she starts the bs again then back off. Make sure she knows you are in charge by your actions.

 

[DrCharlemagne]

My mother is constantly blaming me for this and insists that I am a cold and heartless human being who doesn't have the humanistic qualities of being a physician. She has been very irrate lately and insists that she's going to make sure that my medical school finds out about me not being there for her. She suffers from herniated discs and insists that I should be spending more time with her taking care of her and answering her phone calls etc.

Wow, your mom and my mom must have been comparing notes on how to be the worst support ever. Not to armchair psych your mother, but this honestly sounds like the behavior that scored my mother a borderline personality disorder diagnosis. I have found support networks online most helpful in hashing through this, and Walking On Eggshells was a pivotal text in helping me understand what was making my mother behave so aberrantly. Your mileage may vary, but I want to you know you're really not alone in your experience.

I would honestly contact your dean/administration not to CYA from your mom, but to let them know the hell you and your family are going through so that if you later need to activate support services there is a paper trail demonstrating your maturity/responsibility. Second, I completely agree with the recommendation that you cut off communication with your mother. You're not her support staff or her parent, you're her child and she's dragging you through the mud of her divorce like a peer which is wholly unfair. Surround yourself with helpful people so you can weather this storm. Be prepared for some backlash from well-intentioned but naive people. It can be hard for others to understand how someone who is culturally expected to be a source of comfort and unconditional love could fail at that role some completely. It's been hard for me, the rest of my family wishes we could kiss and make up, but for the time being I cannot bear the burden of her untreated mental illness. I'm sure this is not new behavior, and there may be some scarring and healing you need to go through to recover. Once you're in a more stable place where she cannot influence you as much, emotionally or professionally, or once she's made honest attempts to get better, you can resume supporting and loving her like the decent kid I'm sure you are.

 

[abolt18]

Thanks for the tips and insight. It's truly a nightmare receiving 50 missed calls and voicemessages from her within the past 2 days saying that I need to call her right away or else she will call the school. However, I am just going to do my best to ignore her and cut her off from my life.

How are you holding up?

 

[touchpause13]

I'm sorry OP that you are going through this crap. I wish you the best of luck

 

[microshar88]

Thanks guys been busy with shelf exam prep and audition planning. I've been cutting contact with her and keeping things to a minimum. I don't know if she called the school or Not but I'm not going to worry about things I have no control over.

 

[petyr_baelish]

Thanks guys been busy with shelf exam prep and audition planning. I've been cutting contact with her and keeping things to a minimum. I don't know if she called the school or Not but I'm not going to worry about things I have no control over.

That's a great attitude.

 

[MrLogan13]

I have had to deal with people in my life who developed psychological disorders. You are going through a lot right now, and it may be best for you to cut off all ties with her. Change your number, don't let anyone give it to her. Sometimes it's just best to let it all go.

 

[drcrispmd]

Most schools have counselors for students. It might be a good idea for you to talk to one. You have a lot going on and you don't want it to build up on you. Also they may be able to help you deal with your mother or have suggestions on how to help her.

 

[microshar88]

thanks guys. im wary of using someone from school as they may try to tarnish my academic record. i have been keeping my distance from my mother. my sister is a borderline type personality as well and she is much younger than me. she has been threatening me as well and encourages me to sleep with one eye open at night. thus, i have been living with my father who is also quite emotionally abusive.

the only one thing in my life i have is my 13 year old brother who is extremely depressed. he is developmentally behind and this stress isnt helping him. applying for residency is quite tough to say the least.

 

[mounty104]

You can't reason with crazy. I hope you did not drop out and for your own sake I hope you're not still living with her. My mother in law was bipolar (diagnosed for years, medication did wonders) and the toughest thing about bipolar is that they are sure they are sane. Your mother sounds like my mother in law, so I'm going to make a few assumptions and base my comments off that experience. First off, she will say anything she thinks will hurt you or will allow her to assert control over you. If you give her attention when she threatens to call your school then that will be her go to. Also, many people have crazy parents, nothing she could say would reflect poorly on you, it would just illustrate how far you've come. My mother in law also threatened to do those same things to my wife saying that she'd let her employer know she abandoned her dying mother (she was dying, she had stage IV breast cancer) unless my wife did xyz.

Your father absolutely did the right thing by getting your brother away from her. Do not feel that you owe her anything. You are an adult and are not an indentured servant.

My best advice is to finish medical school and try to not get involved with the drama and craziness and as soon as possible get your own apartment and have your brother stay with you. It's very difficult to be 13, adding crazy parents doesn't help. Emotionally abusive parents are even harder to rationalize for a 13 year old because it's not black and white. They may internalize the negativity and feel that maybe their parents are right about them or simply feel helpless to improve their situation.

Good on you for getting out.

 

[Promethean]

thanks guys. im wary of using someone from school as they may try to tarnish my academic record. i have been keeping my distance from my mother. my sister is a borderline type personality as well and she is much younger than me. she has been threatening me as well and encourages me to sleep with one eye open at night. thus, i have been living with my father who is also quite emotionally abusive.

the only one thing in my life i have is my 13 year old brother who is extremely depressed. he is developmentally behind and this stress isnt helping him. applying for residency is quite tough to say the least.

Hold steady, my friend! Keep your eyes on your goals and remember that once you get where you are going, you can be more helpful to your family. Do you have any therapist you can turn to for support? With this much on your plate, you really could use one, too. Someone that you can talk through these problems with, who can help you cope and find resources to meet these challenges. The counselling staff available through the school are not there to tarnish anyone's record. They are there to deal with situations like this, and the school wants you to make use of those resources and you will be more respected as a professional with good judgment for seeking them out yourself rather than being forced to access them after a crisis does impinge upon your studies. You are not the only person with a crazy family or disruptive personal life... in fact I would say that it is far more the norm. Yours are just very dramatic and vocal.

I am bringing a family member home from the psych hospital today, myself. I quit my job so that I can be there for her full-time during the next few weeks, but I am fortunate to have this opportunity to help her before I start medical school. If I were in school, I would have no qualms about "being selfish" and focusing on my own needs above anyone else's. You have worked your whole life to get this opportunity, and you are nearly done with this first phase. Nothing can be allowed to stop you right now. Take care of yourself first, so that you can help others later.

Stay strong, and get the support you need.

 

[microshar88]

Hold steady, my friend! Keep your eyes on your goals and remember that once you get where you are going, you can be more helpful to your family. Do you have any therapist you can turn to for support? With this much on your plate, you really could use one, too. Someone that you can talk through these problems with, who can help you cope and find resources to meet these challenges. The counselling staff available through the school are not there to tarnish anyone's record. They are there to deal with situations like this, and the school wants you to make use of those resources and you will be more respected as a professional with good judgment for seeking them out yourself rather than being forced to access them after a crisis does impinge upon your studies. You are not the only person with a crazy family or disruptive personal life... in fact I would say that it is far more the norm. Yours are just very dramatic and vocal.

I am bringing a family member home from the psych hospital today, myself. I quit my job so that I can be there for her full-time during the next few weeks, but I am fortunate to have this opportunity to help her before I start medical school. If I were in school, I would have no qualms about "being selfish" and focusing on my own needs above anyone else's. You have worked your whole life to get this opportunity, and you are nearly done with this first phase. Nothing can be allowed to stop you right now. Take care of yourself first, so that you can help others later.

Stay strong, and get the support you need.

Thanks for the strong words of advice. I definitely have started to feel my thoughts racing a lot more lately and the worries I have for my little brother keep growing. I am doing my rotations out of state (away from my school), but perhaps I can even coordinate telephonic/skype conversations with therapists at my school. This is a lot to take on and I don't want to explode because of the stress she is inflicting on my life.

On Tuesday evening, I was suppose to drive my 13 year old brother to go have thanksgiving with her. Traffic was bad and she demanded that I meet her off the exit a few miles away once time started hitting 8PM. I met her off the road at a dead end and she immediately started to take her aggression out on me by scratching my face and my neck. A bystander from oncoming traffic alerted the authorities but I told them that I did not want her arrested.

She has been threatening me with abduction charges and harrassment notices non-stop since. She has indicated that she will make sure my career is over and I won't graduate my DO degree at any costs.

I'm trying my best!

 

[microshar88]

You can't reason with crazy. I hope you did not drop out and for your own sake I hope you're not still living with her. My mother in law was bipolar (diagnosed for years, medication did wonders) and the toughest thing about bipolar is that they are sure they are sane. Your mother sounds like my mother in law, so I'm going to make a few assumptions and base my comments off that experience. First off, she will say anything she thinks will hurt you or will allow her to assert control over you. If you give her attention when she threatens to call your school then that will be her go to. Also, many people have crazy parents, nothing she could say would reflect poorly on you, it would just illustrate how far you've come. My mother in law also threatened to do those same things to my wife saying that she'd let her employer know she abandoned her dying mother (she was dying, she had stage IV breast cancer) unless my wife did xyz.

Your father absolutely did the right thing by getting your brother away from her. Do not feel that you owe her anything. You are an adult and are not an indentured servant.

My best advice is to finish medical school and try to not get involved with the drama and craziness and as soon as possible get your own apartment and have your brother stay with you. It's very difficult to be 13, adding crazy parents doesn't help. Emotionally abusive parents are even harder to rationalize for a 13 year old because it's not black and white. They may internalize the negativity and feel that maybe their parents are right about them or simply feel helpless to improve their situation.

Good on you for getting out.

I would absolutely move heaven and earth for my brother but at 13 years of age, the law still gives her priority over me and says that she is his biological mother.

 

[Promethean]

I would absolutely move heaven and earth for my brother but at 13 years of age, the law still gives her priority over me and says that she is his biological mother.

If you are concerned for his health and safety, file a report of potential child abuse with your local authorities. They can take an anonymous report. Describe her erratic behavior and they will have to investigate.

You may not want to get anyone in trouble, but if you are afraid for him then this may be the best way for him to get help.

 

[Seth Joo]

Hi,
I'm sorry for the blunt title of the thread. However, I'm going through a huge challenge in my family life right now and I wanted to get some advice so as to what I can do on my end.

I'm a 23 year old 3rd year medical student at a DO school. I started my rotations in July and decided to move back in with my parents as they were going through a difficult time and I wanted to be close to my 12 year old brother as I suspect he has been taking a fair amount of stress as I was away for 2 years.

My mother is a long term sufferer of severe anxiety and depressive mood, I have tentatively diagnosed her as being bipolar, however, she refuses to seek psychiatric care and tells me that I am the one with issues. She has a very poor control on her anger and gets verbally very abusive and insists that I've been poisoned by my father. We found out 2 years ago that she had been having intimate relations with several men and my father decided he wanted to end the marriage of 25 years. He and I also agreed that it is unsafe for my 12 year old brother to be with her.

He filed for divorce and made separate living arrangements for both her and himself. My mother is constantly blaming me for this and insists that I am a cold and heartless human being who doesn't have the humanistic qualities of being a physician. She has been very irrate lately and insists that she's going to make sure that my medical school finds out about me not being there for her. She suffers from herniated discs and insists that I should be spending more time with her taking care of her and answering her phone calls etc. However, I am either trying to channel my energy in rotations or trying to study in the library. I just don't want to get behind in school because of this stress.

I have never revealed the name of my university she just knows it is in Arizona. She has been threatening that she will go and call the Dean of the University and have me expelled. I was wondering if there is any act such as FERPA that can prevent the school from having her have an impact on my education? I just want to be on the safe side and I know my mom love's me and is just angry at the situation (she's 53, going through a divorce, empty nest syndrome), but I am just trying to make something of myself so that I can be useful to them.

I know that this seems like a very troll-like post, however, it's genuine and I wanted to find out if anyone has any tips for me so as to how to address something like this. Thanks in advance.

There are laws that limit a school's ability to publish student records. I do not think your mother could get any kind of access nor could she get you thrown out. I would stay away from her as far as possible.

I had a spouse who was completely did not support the idea of me going to medical school, we wound up getting a divorce. It caused a lot of friction not only between me and my ex but also my parents, who were not fond of the idea of me returning to school.

I think a lot of people in medical school often have issues with family.

I think the best thing is to talk to the school counselor about your issues.

 

[knv2u]

thanks guys. im wary of using someone from school as they may try to tarnish my academic record. i have been keeping my distance from my mother. my sister is a borderline type personality as well and she is much younger than me. she has been threatening me as well and encourages me to sleep with one eye open at night. thus, i have been living with my father who is also quite emotionally abusive.

the only one thing in my life i have is my 13 year old brother who is extremely depressed. he is developmentally behind and this stress isnt helping him. applying for residency is quite tough to say the least.

If she is a danger to herself or others, it is time to consider having her green warranted and committed to a psychiatric facility. It's tough love, but absolutely appropriate.

 

[knv2u]

Thanks for the strong words of advice. I definitely have started to feel my thoughts racing a lot more lately and the worries I have for my little brother keep growing. I am doing my rotations out of state (away from my school), but perhaps I can even coordinate telephonic/skype conversations with therapists at my school. This is a lot to take on and I don't want to explode because of the stress she is inflicting on my life.

On Tuesday evening, I was suppose to drive my 13 year old brother to go have thanksgiving with her. Traffic was bad and she demanded that I meet her off the exit a few miles away once time started hitting 8PM. I met her off the road at a dead end and she immediately started to take her aggression out on me by scratching my face and my neck. A bystander from oncoming traffic alerted the authorities but I told them that I did not want her arrested.

She has been threatening me with abduction charges and harrassment notices non-stop since. She has indicated that she will make sure my career is over and I won't graduate my DO degree at any costs.

I'm trying my best!

You're not doing her any favors by protecting her from being institutionalized. If she has resorted to physical violence, she should absolutely be institutionalized. You can visit her and they will make sure she is properly medicated. The best thing you can do is have her committed for her own safety and the safety of others around her.

 

[1nnocuous]

I would absolutely move heaven and earth for my brother but at 13 years of age, the law still gives her priority over me and says that she is his biological mother.

Have you asked your brother if he wants help getting out of that house?
Living in a situation like that puts him at risk for all kinds of behavioral issues--substance abuse, physical aggression, poor grades, potential run away....

 

[microshar88]

Have you asked your brother if he wants help getting out of that house?
Living in a situation like that puts him at risk for all kinds of behavioral issues--substance abuse, physical aggression, poor grades, potential run away....

he does. that's the hardest part, i don't have the financial means to just take him and live with me.

regarding my mom, i found out that she did try and contact the dean. i go to a big school so i am not sure if my dean will try and take action against me on account of the accusations of abuse my mom has against me (which are false). i am almost at the verge of graduating this year and im just hoping that they won't buy into my mom's bs.

 

[1nnocuous]

If you have real fears of her affecting your life, keep documentation of all her craziness. Hopefully anyone she contacts will be able to perceive that she's bat**** bonkers regardless.

Regarding your brother, make sure he has someone to reach out to for support--other relatives, family friends, anyone he can go to if things get tough. I understand the complexities getting CPS involved--most likely they wouldn't do anything unless circumstances are dire, and sometimes staying with a mentally abusive parent seems like a better deal than being a part of "the system."

You escaped that situation and know what kind of skills he'll need to cope and get through, so make sure he knows too.

 

[HH-65]

From the student services end of things, let me assure you from personal experience as both a student and later a professional, that the people in the dean's office and in student support & counseling have absolutely no desire to "tarnish your record". Please do not avoid talking to them because of your anxiety: the resources are there for you because administrators and staff want to support you, and don't interact with anything like your grades, which again, are protected by FERPA. If you don't want counseling at school, they can refer you, but understand that they are generally aware of your specific concerns while in med school.

FERPA is so rock solid at schools, your mother will never be able to get any information unless you release it. You absolutely have the right to talk to the dean's office and keep all of your information redacted, and ask that your other records be protected.

As someone who also has a mother with a mental illness, I think "Walking on Eggshells" is a terrific resource.

 

[HH-65]

That's a great point about worrying that admission of these problems, will be somehow perceived as a weakness.

It is very difficult to approach student services for many students, and talk about your problems, but please believe me that many things go on under the surface at every institution, among all kinds of people. You are not alone, and this is not, at all, a freakish thing you're dealing with. Tragic that you and your brother have had to live with this, but alas, not so unusual. Thousands of people every day are dealing with issues like domestic violence, post-traumatic stress disorder and disabling diseases, while they go to school.

Student services professionals know that some parents, even the ones who are not mentally ill, are not rational people, and do things that make things more difficult for their kids. Some parents are, frankly, cranks. It is not a big, horrible deal for a school to maintain complete secrecy of students' records unless a life-threatening emergency occurs - it's the law. Schools do it when a parent is abusive, and when a student merely wants to keep their grades private.

From personal experience, growing up with a volatile, abusive parent can make them seem bigger than life, imbued with incredible powers to destroy your life. The reality is more complicated. It's extremely unlikely that the dean will do anything about an accusation from your parent; if you've been doing OK in school and have never hurt another student, and there's no warrant out for your arrest, what are they going to do? Toss you out of the program? If you have a letter of concern on your record from a clinical rotation - you abused a patient or classmate, you were caught drinking on the job - that's something a dean would worry about. Nope, instead you are a decent, well-meaning person trying to take care of your brother.

I tell you what I tell the other students I still meet, even after moving out of student services. You're not alone; we will try to help; please get counseling. You might also benefit from some of the online support in places like Reddit's "Raised by Narcissists" (primarily for people whose parents behave in ways congruent with Cluster B disorders; a description of your mother's behavior would not be unusual there either), but it doesn't take the place of a supportive counselor helping you work one on one on your past experiences and strategies for coping (such as catastrophic thinking). If you decide to seek help off campus as far as counseling, that is totally fine, but do let the DOS office know what's going on.

 

[microshar88]

I have been reading all of the replies and messages I have received. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have not been ignoring them, but with the upcoming match,traveling, being sick, and working I have not really had much time to breath. A lot of updates to come soon...a lot has transpired over the past week! I have taken your advice to heart and I am not interested in adopting the view that the school is out to get me anymore. I need to feel better so I can perform to my potential.

However, I am not in the same state as my school right now, do you think it would be possible or effective to arrange a telephonic meeting with a therapist/counselor from my school? I think this will help me at least think clearer rather than the scattered feeling I'm getting right now. I honestly don't even care about my school knowing about my problems at this point. I have had to carry so much over my shoulders for the past few years and I just need to unload before starting residency so I don't end up being a complete disaster.

 

[dragonj]

Dear microshar,
Please email your student coordinator and alert her to this situation. I agree with southernsurgeon and i'm really surprised that it's been a year since he made that post and you haven't tried to schedule a meeting with the Dean about this matter.
One email to coordinator. That's it.
You do not even have to mention much in the email. Just say that you would like to alert the coordinator and dean in advance of possible strange phone calls they may receive. A person you care for is in denial of her mental state and refuses to seek psychiatric care.

I understand what you go through, I'm sure it's hard to know what to do when you can't think clearly.

 

[dragonj]

This is going to sound very harsh but your parents are responsible for your brother. Not you. Have a sincere conversation with your brother and tell him you love him and in 4 months you will see him again but for now it's just temporary. You need to go live somewhere else for now. Go live on a friends couch if you have to.

I know you are very young right now so the world looks very different to you than it will be in 10 years.
Complex situations come up in life and you have to deal with them swiftly and maturely. Making judgement calls will be a necessary skill you must develop.

 

[microshar88]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I have been just busy with residency interviews and i finally matched this week. I don't want her to know where though, so I am keeping it confidential.

My mother has been trying to mend fences with me and tried to ask me to forgive her, but I won't have it. She wants me to tell her where I match tomorrow and I am not disclosing anything to her and if she tries to contact my PD, I am going to file a restraining order against her.

I am going back to my school state next month for my last rotation and I am planning on working with a therapist there and going over coping skills. My brother has autism spectrum disorder, and my sister has Borderline perosnality disorder, but at this point, I think I need to save my own sanity and develop positive coping skills in order to stay afloat.

Thanks again for the help.

 

[NonTradJp]

Hi Microshar, everyone is different so just throwing this out there in case it would help you. DBT can be used to develop resilient coping skills. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

 

[efex101]

your mother is either borderline/bipolar or both. Your brother should BE with your father where is HE? you need to cut ALL ties with your mother (as harsh as that sounds) including changing your cell phone number/blocking her. She actually sounds unstable and is a threat to herself and possibly to you and your brother.