For those of you who are married

[HankScorpio]

The good news is: my marriage is great. The bad news: I want it to stay that way. I want to become a doctor, but achieving that would be ashes in the mouth if it ruined my marriage in the process.

The problem I've been wrestling with is this: it seems to me that if you want to maximize your chances of going to medical school and getting the residency you want, you have to be geographically flexible. This is difficult when you have a partner, and even more so when your partner's career is very location-dependent.

Yet another wrinkle: we live in New York. Everything is ultracompetitive here, why would it be any different for medicine? So, I know there are 16 MD/DO medical schools in the state: but probably subtract SUNY Upstate, Buffalo and Rochester for distance reasons, some in Jersey (although I'm out of state so Rutgers' a no). That leaves maybe Connecticut, Vermont, Pennsylvania depending on our tolerance for distance.

But then even if I get into a school close to home, then I have to fret about geography all over again w/r/t residency.

And then that's not even considering the couple of years of reduced income from completing a postbacc program.

To the extent that I'm undecided about doing a postbacc and shooting for med school, it's for these personal reasons. I don't want to hide this from my spouse, but if I end up deciding not to go down this route, I don't want them to have worried about this for no reason.

Who else has gone through this, with a spouse with a location-dependent, not terribly portable career? What has your experience been?

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[deleted480308]

I haven't gone through it but I wouldn't recommend it if your spouse can't/won't move.....too much risk

 

[KaBoom'd]

Do you have kids? If so, I wouldn't be able to comment. We just survived 3.5 years living about 8 hours apart in different states due to work - it's possible, but super tough. My wife owns an established business and can't move. We are both incredibly busy which was part of the glue that held it together.

I'm applying next year to 17 schools within a 4 hour drive from our home. There are 2 here but they're both a stretch with my stats. 4 hours is the limit I'll drive for a weekend and should be a breeze in comparison to the last few years. The bigger buggaboo is residency. We've briefly spoken about it and it's too far off to worry about, but you can bet maximum effort will be put toward laying the groundwork to matching in our home city.

 

[HankScorpio]

Do you have kids? If so, I wouldn't be able to comment. We just survived 3.5 years living about 8 hours apart in different states due to work - it's possible, but super tough. My wife owns an established business and can't move. We are both incredibly busy which was part of the glue that held it together.

I'm applying next year to 17 schools within a 4 hour drive from our home. There are 2 here but they're both a stretch with my stats. 4 hours is the limit I'll drive for a weekend and should be a breeze in comparison to the last few years. The bigger buggaboo is residency. We've briefly spoken about it and it's too far off to worry about, but you can bet maximum effort will be put toward laying the groundwork to matching in our home city.

No kids. We already did a few years of distance (law school prior to getting married). Not really looking forward to doing that again. Probably would've been doable if I were a traditional student, but that ship has sailed.

I am willing to travel. Similar to you ~4 hours each way is what I can tolerate for a weekend trip. Somewhere like Einstein or NYIT would be ideal. Albany would be doable. Even Syracuse. Philly would be less than ideal but very doable-it's pretty close. Maaaaybe a place like Vermont. But nowhere that isn't a reasonable weekend drive. I'm not even talking about schools I could realistically get into, just what would be most convenient.

 

[gyrfalcon]

I'm in a similar predicament. My spouse has a career that is only possible in two cities, and none of the medical schools in those cities are likely to give me a shot (although I am applying anyway). Fortunately the cities are both airline hubs, so that opened up some more possibilities. I figure that a $150 direct flight on a cheap airline every weekend or two probably won't break the bank, at least compared to the total cost of attending med school. It'll be a rough four years but we are both the type to be very involved in our current work/hobbies. Hopefully we won't miss each other to the point that it becomes problematic.

 

[CajunMedic]

I go to school about 2.5-3 hours away from my wife and home. With her job/retirement/benefits and health problems, we discussed it and agreed that the short-term difficulty of me living away during the week outweighs the long-term benefits of medical school. I drive home after class on Friday and go back either Sunday night or Monday morning before class. 1st year was difficult, but we made it through. We make a point of talking everyday and having a date night on Friday night. It's doable, it takes a lot of determination and willpower

 

[Meridian32]

My spouse was a neuroscience postdoc when we started dating - also a location restricted career in that the number of faculty positions that open up each year is small and they can be anywhere in the country. The good news for me as an aspiring pre-med then was that those positions are in academic medical centers, so I knew I could do medical training wherever she went - albeit at a program I might not have chosen otherwise.

I've been incredibly lucky in that everything has worked out so far. I got into medical school at the university where she was a postdoc. We got married and stayed married - it helped that neuroscience research is just as, if not more, consuming than med school. She did incredibly well professionally and landed a faculty position at a top medical center that also has a top residency program in my field of interest. We agreed that she should take this dream job and I'd do my best to match at the corresponding residency program. If that didn't work out, I'd be OK - there were also several community (i.e., much less competitive) residency programs in the area. I was very lucky and ended up matching at my dream program at her medical school. I'm in my first week of residency now.

Bottom line - the stars could align and it could work out. But like most things in marriage and life, it will likely require compromise - we had a long distance marriage for a year and I was prepared to match at a less-than-ideal residency program to be with my spouse again. Good luck.

 

[Bru]

Kind of depends on how good your stats are going into the postbacc as mentioned above. If you are borderline and constrain yourself to the NE corridor then it is probably a poor decision. If your stats are good going into and maintain through the postbacc then your chances are increased. I have two friends who has similar circumstances/restrictions. One was able to make it work and the other hasn't gotten into anyway in the region during 3 cycles.

Either there is going to be an unavoidable element of risk to the process.


Also, you can add Boston to you list I would think.

 

[WhippleWhileWeWork]

We did the apart thing during the week and together on the weekends. It wasn't working for us, throw a kid in the mix and we had ourselves the making of a miserable existence and maybe a fine divorce. YMMV.
Went back to my marriage, left my medical school mistress, she was annoying anyways.

 

[HankScorpio]

Kind of depends on how good your stats are going into the postbacc as mentioned above. If you are borderline and constrain yourself to the NE corridor then it is probably a poor decision. If your stats are good going into and maintain through the postbacc then your chances are increased. I have two friends who has similar circumstances/restrictions. One was able to make it work and the other hasn't gotten into anyway in the region during 3 cycles.

Either there is going to be an unavoidable element of risk to the process.


Also, you can add Boston to you list I would think.

I don't think I could call myself anything but borderline (with a straight face) with a 2.6 science GPA. Granted, it was just one semester of General Chemistry and Bio that did me in, brought up by Calc and two intro level science classes to fulfill a gen ed requirement. I wish I could go back in time and beat the **** out of my 18 year old self, but what's done is done.

I know DO has grade replacement (unless that's some very sick inside joke, if so shame on all of you). Frustrating to think that even if I aced everything I'd still have a borderline GPA for MD (not that I'm a snob, there are just so many MD schools around here, it would be nice to have a shot at them). I would think the most cromulent way to do it in my situation would be to make myself as competitive as possible for MD as well, since even if I could bring myself up to being competitive for DO, applying only to the few schools that are immediately nearby (Touro, Rowan, NYIT) with maybe Philadelphia thrown in as it's only ~90 minutes away would be so risky as to effectively make a postbacc a waste of time and money (at least I think). I couldn't even realistically apply to all of the available schools in the Northeast-Maine or Western Pennsylvania would be untenable. There's no job my wife could get there even if she wanted to follow me. So I suppose I could spend 3-4 years taking classes to make myself as competitive as possible. But that's a little too Captain Ahab, even for me.

I do tend to do very very well on standardized tests (including the LSAT) but the MCAT is a different animal.

Maybe I'll look into becoming a CRNA and troll the Anesthesiology forum.

 

[WhippleWhileWeWork]

I don't think I could call myself anything but borderline (with a straight face) with a 2.6 science GPA. Granted, it was just one semester of General Chemistry and Bio that did me in, brought up by Calc and two intro level science classes to fulfill a gen ed requirement. I wish I could go back in time and beat the **** out of my 18 year old self, but what's done is done.

I know DO has grade replacement (unless that's some very sick inside joke, if so shame on all of you). Frustrating to think that even if I aced everything I'd still have a borderline GPA for MD (not that I'm a snob, there are just so many MD schools around here, it would be nice to have a shot at them). I would think the most cromulent way to do it in my situation would be to make myself as competitive as possible for MD as well, since even if I could bring myself up to being competitive for DO, applying only to the few schools that are immediately nearby (Touro, Rowan, NYIT) with maybe Philadelphia thrown in as it's only ~90 minutes away would be so risky as to effectively make a postbacc a waste of time and money (at least I think). I couldn't even realistically apply to all of the available schools in the Northeast-Maine or Western Pennsylvania would be untenable. There's no job my wife could get there even if she wanted to follow me. So I suppose I could spend 3-4 years taking classes to make myself as competitive as possible. But that's a little too Captain Ahab, even for me.

I do tend to do very very well on standardized tests (including the LSAT) but the MCAT is a different animal.

Maybe I'll look into becoming a CRNA and troll the Anesthesiology forum.

If you are open to other options, I'd suggest exploring those.

 

[familyaerospace]

My husband is in NH. I am in GA. I was clear on not moving to New England, he moved for work because he had to. It happens.

 

[WhippleWhileWeWork]

My husband is in NH. I am in GA. I was clear on not moving to New England, he moved for work because he had to. It happens.

Hey congrats on the acceptance, I know it's been a super long and hard road for that.

 

[mavric1298]

We have talked about it, and it's at the point of we will work out whatever we have to, when the time comes. If it means being long distances for a while, so be it. We just got married not that long ago, so it actually made the discussion much easier as there was so much more of a sense of long term commitment - even though we had happily been together 5 years and already owned a home. I would say don't limit yourself in med school opportunities, just find solutions if you got accepted somewhere else. What is 4 years in the long run anyways, when it could provide you with happiness for the rest of your life.

 

[familyaerospace]

Hey congrats on the acceptance, I know it's been a super long and hard road for that.

Thank you.

I started today because I was in a special program and someone has already said in less than 15 minutes, "Hey you are the famous... <firstname>" I said I was famous on several forums, he was like "including a premed one." ;-)

 

[Goro]

Three suggestions from a married person (> 15 yrs), and both my wife and I have PhDs. So I understand the aspect of both partners wanting careers, plus being around family.

1) Marriage is a 2-way street.
2) It stopped being about you when that ring went on the finger.
3) Compromise is everything.

Make sure your partner knows everything about what you're proposing to get into.

The good news is: my marriage is great. The bad news: I want it to stay that way. I want to become a doctor, but achieving that would be ashes in the mouth if it ruined my marriage in the process.

The problem I've been wrestling with is this: it seems to me that if you want to maximize your chances of going to medical school and getting the residency you want, you have to be geographically flexible. This is difficult when you have a partner, and even more so when your partner's career is very location-dependent.

Yet another wrinkle: we live in New York. Everything is ultracompetitive here, why would it be any different for medicine? So, I know there are 16 MD/DO medical schools in the state: but probably subtract SUNY Upstate, Buffalo and Rochester for distance reasons, some in Jersey (although I'm out of state so Rutgers' a no). That leaves maybe Connecticut, Vermont, Pennsylvania depending on our tolerance for distance.

But then even if I get into a school close to home, then I have to fret about geography all over again w/r/t residency.

And then that's not even considering the couple of years of reduced income from completing a postbacc program.

To the extent that I'm undecided about doing a postbacc and shooting for med school, it's for these personal reasons. I don't want to hide this from my spouse, but if I end up deciding not to go down this route, I don't want them to have worried about this for no reason.

Who else has gone through this, with a spouse with a location-dependent, not terribly portable career? What has your experience been?