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Funniest Chief Complaints

Discussion in 'Clinical Rotations' started by Dr JPH, May 13, 2007.

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  1. Dr JPH

    Dr JPH Removed

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    Here are some of mine:

    Patient: "Doc, I lost my nature."
    Translation: "Doc, I have trouble getting and maintaining an erection."


    Patient: "My period keeps coming back."
    Translation: "I am experiencing regular, monthly menstrual cycles."
  2. lord_jeebus

    lord_jeebus 和魂洋才 Moderator

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    "I'm passing gas 2 or even 3 times a day"

    60 y/o patient who just discovered farting
  3. Dr Jboo

    Dr Jboo

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    "My tired hurts"
    18 y/o drunk college kid who had just fallen out of a 3rd story window :)
  4. NoOneKnows

    NoOneKnows Just an afterthought....

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    "I have a hair on my chin and I want you to give me something to make it go away" said a patient being seen for said complaint in the ER (yes, the ER)
  5. Villin

    Villin

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    CC: "my sweat stinks"

    Has it always stunk? Yes

    :thumbup:
  6. Zuwie

    Zuwie Member

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    "I fell from a truck and broke my arm"

    Now try to get a differential diagnosis for that.
  7. raidermedic

    raidermedic MS IV

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    "My chest hurt the other day so I took some crack to make it feel better. I didn't think it worked"
  8. Syranope2

    Syranope2 Senior Member

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    From a patient on the psych ward: "CC: Is this beef sirloin or steak sirloin?"
    (This was actually written as the CC in the patient's chart)
  9. AmoryBlaine

    AmoryBlaine the last tycoon

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    Worked at a clinic where pt's actually wrote their own CC...

    These were from the same pt, who incidentally was a very pleasant fellow.

    CC: "spiter bit"
    (Trans: spider bite)


    CC: "pain in my balls"
  10. Dunce

    Dunce Senior Member

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    "So, Mr. Yellowish Grizzled Old-Dude with ~ 7 Teeth, what brings you here today?"

    CC: "The Booze."
  11. lord_jeebus

    lord_jeebus 和魂洋才 Moderator

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    How could I forget psych?

    CC: "Al Qaeda"

    CC: "Beep bop boop bip bop bop bop" - he could speak perfect English if you asked him to "translate."
  12. adismo

    adismo covered in moon dust

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    i'm getting out of the marine corps tomorrow and i need a final physical right away!
  13. Tired

    Tired Boned. Again.

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    Signed in with "Noises Ruining".

    Translation: runny nose
  14. GregsAnatomy

    GregsAnatomy

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    Today:

    "What brings you to the clinic today?"

    "My clit is swollen"
    zachdwphoto likes this.
  15. adismo

    adismo covered in moon dust

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    Come again?!
    zachdwphoto likes this.
  16. Whisker Barrel Cortex

    Whisker Barrel Cortex 1K Member

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    Yes that would be a solution to her problem!
    zachdwphoto likes this.
  17. Shodddy18

    Shodddy18 Senior Member

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    CC: Friction burns on my penis!

    Ok, so I had that patient while I was working as an EMT... which I guess actually makes it funnier, because instead of just driving his sorry a$$ to the ER, he called 911... I refused to transport him!
  18. DrJ105

    DrJ105 Junior Member

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    "My tooth tickles." Patient had tried to remove his tooth first with pliers and then with a crowbar.

    "I have bumps on my butt part and pee hole." A 16 year old G2P1001.

    "I took some crack, do you have any?" A trauma patient who apparently fell off a bicycle.
  19. Shodddy18

    Shodddy18 Senior Member

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    That was just awesome!
  20. dilated

    dilated Fought Law; Law Won

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    "I got a thang on my hang-low"

    Response: :confused:
  21. Tired

    Tired Boned. Again.

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    CC: Can't Sleep

    Triage Note: Smoked crack 1hr PTA
  22. Bubb Rubb

    Bubb Rubb Woo woo!

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    :thumbup: :laugh:

    CC, psych ward of course: "the toaster's talking again"
  23. ChildNeuro

    ChildNeuro Junior Member

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    Patient "My eyes are tired"

    Me. "Could you talk about that some more?"

    Patient "They feel tired"

    Me "Runny eyes? Problems reading? Stuffy or itchy eyes?"

    Patient "No. No. No. They just feel tired."

    Me "Do your eyes hurt? Cause you pain?"

    Patient "No, just like you know, when they get tired."

    =====================================

    Patient's Mom "He has a rash that isn't here right now, but sometimes shows up in the evening, we took him to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."

    =====================================
  24. Tired

    Tired Boned. Again.

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    And of course, since the patient was over the age of 65yo, this prompted a full cardiac workup, blood cultures, complete metabolic profile, and a head CT.
  25. signomi

    signomi Amongst the Gravelings

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    During residency, actual patient referred by an IM resident (to get rid of the patient, I am sure) to the neuro clinic: My left ear tingles on tuesdays.

    Yes, just tuesdays.
  26. ChildNeuro

    ChildNeuro Junior Member

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    I think we did 4 view nasal x-rays, CBC, to try to rule out bacterial sinusitus. My attendings has big old' lobster hands and when he "taps" over anyone's sinuses with those the patient is bound to say "Ow!" We diagnose so many cases of sinusitus . . .
  27. Tired

    Tired Boned. Again.

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    From Neuro clinic 3rd year:

    "The tip of my tongue has been burning for three years."

    Just for kicks, look up "burning mouth syndrome" sometime when you're bored.
  28. AlternateSome1

    AlternateSome1 Dismembered

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    CC: "Rash on my lower back."
    Translation: New onset genital herpes, much lower than the back.
  29. Critical Mass

    Critical Mass Guest

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    Awesome thread!

    Here's what I can remember for now...

    "Little bumps on clit" (first recognition of clitoral erection)

    "Little bugs in vagina" (Trich present, dunno how she saw it w/o microscope)

    What was funniest about the "little bugs in vagina" girl (age 16) was that her 18-year-old sister came into the ED at the same time complaining of chest pain. Both left with pelvic exams, some Flagyl, and counseling on latex application. Moral of the story: as you get older, you learn that chest pain will get you back quicker than "little bugs in vagina."
  30. aphistis

    aphistis Moderator Emeritus

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    Yeah. BMS sucks to deal with.
  31. Skialta

    Skialta

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    Patient: Doc, I have got a herd of BEAVERS in my pants!


    Translation: Candida groin infection
  32. toofache32

    toofache32

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    I......can't......stop.....staring....at......your.....avatar.....
  33. ericdamiansean

    ericdamiansean High Profiler

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    CC: Medical certificate facies
  34. Joel Fleischman

    Joel Fleischman Senior Member

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    Psych ER:
    cc: " my pu$$y is sad"

    - not sure if she meant her cat or a part of her anatomy
    - that was the the only thing she said that came close to making any sense
  35. THP

    THP Senior Member

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    CC: I have chicken coming out of my penis.

    Translation: I have a mucopurulent discharge.
  36. Amxcvbcv

    Amxcvbcv Radiologist

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    These aren't so much funny CCs but both nights I did an overnight ER rotation as a first year to get experience doing H&Ps we had someone come in that had tried to shave their pubic hair with a box cutter and ended up with some very unpleasant lacerations. They weren't comfortable with a med student in the room, so I didn't get to see their handywork.
  37. nala

    nala Member

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    Here's a page an intern got once that always makes me chuckle: "Mrs. X is rubbing applesauce on her chest. Please advise."
  38. Blue Dog

    Blue Dog Avec caféine. Gold Donor SDN Advisor

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    CC: "I need a rectal."

    The guy was a frequent flyer, always with the same CC. The only pathology he had was psychiatric. His chart always stayed in the rack for a loooong time.
  39. MadameLULU

    MadameLULU Saucy Moderator Emeritus

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    "one of my labia is bigger than the other"
  40. UTKB

    UTKB CA-3

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    "My kitty got the stank" (vaginitis)

    "There's a vine growing out of my jenny" (patient had stuck a potato up her hooha and left it there, and it actually sprouted)
  41. BigNavyPedsGuy

    BigNavyPedsGuy Junior Member

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    In pediatrics

    CC: "my baby done drank a strawberry douche"
  42. PlAnEjaNe

    PlAnEjaNe Junior Member

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    :eek: :eek:

    OMG!! I had no idea that was even possible!! That has to be some sort of wacky record or something..

    -PlAnEjaNe
  43. UTKB

    UTKB CA-3

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    I know! Fertile, indeed.
  44. DropkickMurphy

    DropkickMurphy Removed

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    Patient: "I've got a pager up my ass"
    Triage Nurse: "Excuse me?"
    :eek:
  45. Dr JPH

    Dr JPH Removed

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    On vibrate or tone? :laugh:
  46. DropkickMurphy

    DropkickMurphy Removed

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    Vibrate apparently judging by the way he reacted a couple of times in the ED....I wasn't in the OR when they took it out and didn't think to ask about it.
  47. justwondering

    justwondering

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    thats not as stupid as it sounds, actually. we had a pt like that, rash would come and go throughout the day...fortunately she took a picture of it on her cell phone and showed it to us. Hives, i think.
  48. dentate_gyrus

    dentate_gyrus Member

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    sounds like a JRA pt I had.
  49. arthrodisiac

    arthrodisiac

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    patient: "my colostomy bag is full of ****"
    nurse: "no ****."
  50. Fah-Q

    Fah-Q Senior Member

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    CC: my tongue is too short

    Me: OK. What sort of problem does that cause you?

    (Patient's wife begins snickering)

    Him: Well, her and all our friends make fun of me...I mean, I'm not no good at oral sex and it's because my tongue is too short.

    Me: ummmmmkaaaaayyyyyy

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