Funniest Chief Complaints

[misery]

CC: I got a rat in my hootiecat, it keeps me from doing the natural.
Translation: Something is in my vagina preventing me from having sex.

Actual cause: Staple from previous hysterectomy eroded through the vaginal wall leaving "teeth" like marks on her partners penis.

Ouch!!!!

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[Amxcvbcv]

CC: I got a rat in my hootiecat, it keeps me from doing the natural.
Translation: Something is in my vagina preventing me from having sex.

Actual cause: Staple from previous hysterectomy eroded through the vaginal wall leaving "teeth" like marks on her partners penis.

Ouch!!!!

Wow... just, wow.

 

[TheRoach]

CC: "my sweat stinks"

Has it always stunk? Yes

phenlyketonuria

 

[TheRoach]

Patient "My eyes are tired"

Me. "Could you talk about that some more?"

Patient "They feel tired"

Me "Runny eyes? Problems reading? Stuffy or itchy eyes?"

Patient "No. No. No. They just feel tired."

Me "Do your eyes hurt? Cause you pain?"

Patient "No, just like you know, when they get tired."

=====================================

Patient's Mom "He has a rash that isn't here right now, but sometimes shows up in the evening, we took him to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."

=====================================

myasthenia gravis

 

[TheRoach]

CC: "What is all this stuff? It must be fluid or something." (uttered whilst the patient grabs and waves his huge, dangling pannus towards me)

Me: "Uh... Sir. I think that's just fat."

P.S. No I did not misspell "penis".

dangling pannus - possible rapid weight loss due to cancer resulting in excess skin.

 

[TheRoach]

"I'm passing gas 2 or even 3 times a day"

60 y/o patient who just discovered farting

irratable bowel dz
inflammatory bowel dz
lactose intolerance
previous antibiotic therapy

 

[TheRoach]

"My tired hurts"
18 y/o drunk college kid who had just fallen out of a 3rd story window

Mental Status change: Concussion, brain injury, subarachnoid hemmorrhage, subdural hematoma, intracranial bleed, brain contusion, alcohol.....

 

[TheRoach]

"I have a hair on my chin and I want you to give me something to make it go away" said a patient being seen for said complaint in the ER (yes, the ER)

polycystic ovarian disease

other:

Alpha-L-iduronidase deficiency
I-cell disease
3-beta hydroxylase deficiency
Adrenal cortex tumours
Cortisone reductase deficiency
Cornelia de Lange syndrome
Cushing's syndrome
Ethotoin
Testosterone
Turner's syndrome
Danazol
Miller-Dieker syndrome
Diazoxide
Christian syndrome 1
Galactorrhoea-Hyperprolactinaemia
Schwartz-Jampel-Aberfeld syndrome
Hypothyroidism
C11-Hydroxylase deficiency
Achard-Thiers syndrome
Pituitary tumour (growth hormone secreting)
Phenytoin
Ovarian cancer
C21-hydroxylase deficiency
Gestrinone
Rubinstein-Taybi syndrome

 

[TheRoach]

"I fell from a truck and broke my arm"

Now try to get a differential diagnosis for that.

Fracture
Dislocated shoulder
Tendinitis
tendon tear
brachial plexus injury
other nerve injury
rotator cuff injury

physical exam >>>>>>> imaging

 

[Doc Henry]

wow....thats getting old fast

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Mental Status change: Concussion, brain injury, subarachnoid hemmorrhage, subdural hematoma, intracranial bleed, brain contusion, alcohol.....

You forgot other non-reported substances on board

 

[Smurfette]

polycystic ovarian disease

other:

Alpha-L-iduronidase deficiency
I-cell disease
3-beta hydroxylase deficiency
Adrenal cortex tumours
Cortisone reductase deficiency
Cornelia de Lange syndrome
Cushing's syndrome
Ethotoin
Testosterone
Turner's syndrome
Danazol
Miller-Dieker syndrome
Diazoxide
Christian syndrome 1
Galactorrhoea-Hyperprolactinaemia
Schwartz-Jampel-Aberfeld syndrome
Hypothyroidism
C11-Hydroxylase deficiency
Achard-Thiers syndrome
Pituitary tumour (growth hormone secreting)
Phenytoin
Ovarian cancer
C21-hydroxylase deficiency
Gestrinone
Rubinstein-Taybi syndrome

hmm...I'd be more impressed if you could give the etiology of how these diseases, etc. can cause the presenting symptoms. Can't tell you how many people I've impressed with my knowledge of Rubinstein-Taybi syndrome and Cornelia de Lange.

 

[TheRoach]

hmm...I'd be more impressed if you could give the etiology of how these diseases, etc. can cause the presenting symptoms. Can't tell you how many people I've impressed with my knowledge of Rubinstein-Taybi syndrome and Cornelia de Lange.

Don't have to know that unless they come back negative for hypothyroidism, cushings, and polycystic ovarian and aren't on phenytoin and then only long enough to compare it with symptomatology.

 

[Amxcvbcv]

Don't have to know that unless they come back negative for hypothyroidism, cushings, and polycystic ovarian and aren't on phenytoin and then only long enough to compare it with symptomatology.

I'd just give them a razor or tweezers.

Definitely cheaper.

 

[sacrament]

"Patient called 911 because his pants kept falling down." I have no idea what this had to do with anything, as the guy ended up being a rule-out MI or something.

 

[toofache32]

Don't have to know that unless they come back negative for hypothyroidism, cushings, and polycystic ovarian and aren't on phenytoin and then only long enough to compare it with symptomatology.

Huh? ...compare it with "the study of symptoms?"

 

[ericdamiansean]

polycystic ovarian disease

other:

Alpha-L-iduronidase deficiency
I-cell disease
3-beta hydroxylase deficiency
Adrenal cortex tumours
Cortisone reductase deficiency
Cornelia de Lange syndrome
Cushing's syndrome
Ethotoin
Testosterone
Turner's syndrome
Danazol
Miller-Dieker syndrome
Diazoxide
Christian syndrome 1
Galactorrhoea-Hyperprolactinaemia
Schwartz-Jampel-Aberfeld syndrome
Hypothyroidism
C11-Hydroxylase deficiency
Achard-Thiers syndrome
Pituitary tumour (growth hormone secreting)
Phenytoin
Ovarian cancer
C21-hydroxylase deficiency
Gestrinone
Rubinstein-Taybi syndrome

For real, from memory?

 

[TheFish005]

Outpatient FP rotation; CC: 'Brain Bugs'

Turns out, she was told by the ER that she had a cyst in her brain secondary to cysticercosis - still awaiting records to verify.

 

[Sureshot83]

I hope the TV writers of "House" stumble across this thread. Watching House get some of these cases in the hospital clinic would be absolutely hilarious.

 

[bjolly]

cc: "I got some bad dope."

 

[Faze2]

Pysch patient in the ER;

CC: "I need p*ssy."


This guy was f*ckin nuts.

 

[sether52do]

cc: "Doc, when I sit on the potty, the pain goes from my vj to my belly hole."

 

[AINeuro]

cc: "Doc, when I sit on the potty, the pain goes from my vj to my belly hole."

LOL!! very nice, here's mine.

Pt: Listen doc, I have a certain object stuck in my v....j....

Me: What kind of 'object' are you referring to?

Pt: A car

Me:

A little too much information but apparently her and her husband have a sort of... fetish... where they stick stuff in each other! So her partner stuck a toy car in her area and it got stuck!

 

[ericdamiansean]

I hope the TV writers of "House" stumble across this thread. Watching House get some of these cases in the hospital clinic would be absolutely hilarious.

One per episode, during House's clinics

I'll see if I get to contact them and send them a link

 

[SoCuteMD]

CC: "These people are driving me crazy"

Chief resident to triage nurse, "Get this lady over to the kinder, gentler Emergency Department."

 

[andiluvsk]

TheRoach must have just purchased his/her first PDA.

 

[dustin04ag]

Setting: Gyn ER
CC: "Well... last night I got really drunk."
Translation: "Last night I got really drunk and seeing as I was on my period, I had a tampon in. I then proceded to have vigourous intercourse and have now lost my tampon."

Now if that was me.... I would have done some serious soul and or body cavity searching before going to the gyn er.

Geez.... some of these people.

 

[kat82]

in the ER:

"my belly button smells"

turns out she did have yeast growing in there- EW!

 

[sjt9721]

"My woman done burned me"

"I done fell out" (my immediate thought was "Out of what?")

"Vomiking"

"Something is stuck" (turns out it was a whiffle ball)

"Bad cramps" (3cm & nearly 100%...you're not only pregnant, but in labor!)

"Risin' on my privates" (groin abscess)



I could go on and on...

 

[NY Musicologist]

These are hilarious, but scary as well! How do those of you who have grown up associating with the brightest, best-educated segment of society (which is to say nearly ALL of you) deal with the "other end" of the spectrum? Don't you find it horrifying/incomprehensible that people could be SO uneducated or unaware as to realize (for example) that they're several months pregnant?! Oy. I think I'd cry...

 

[ericdamiansean]

Don't you find it horrifying/incomprehensible that people could be SO uneducated or unaware as to realize (for example) that they're several months pregnant?! Oy. I think I'd cry...

Like obese women who accidentally deliver a baby while "making toilet"

 

[EMT2DO]

CC:Abd pain and 'constipation' in young male, nursing staff does triage exam including bowel sounds.
Results of ausculation: "purring noise".
Results of Acute Abdominal Series: 3 inch vibrator in rectum with switch in "on" position and hours worth of battery life left.

He could have at least had the decency to enjoy the rest of his AAA's worth of jollies before coming into the ER, IMHO.

 

[capn jazz]

From Neuro clinic 3rd year:

"The tip of my tongue has been burning for three years."

Just for kicks, look up "burning mouth syndrome" sometime when you're bored.

I thought I had that for a day, it sucked like hell. Imagine your entire mouth feeling like you had spilled hot soup on it - tongue, cheeks, everything. I drank ~10 glasses of water, and the burning went away, but it felt incredibly raw for another 2 days. This was following a week of fevers and sore throats and fatigue. I got Ibuprofen, but other than that, the Dr. said I had "some sort of virus". It SUCKED. It also conveniently happened during finals week.

 

[fakin' the funk]

CC: I got a rat in my hootiecat, it keeps me from doing the natural.
Translation: Something is in my vagina preventing me from having sex.

Actual cause: Staple from previous hysterectomy eroded through the vaginal wall leaving "teeth" like marks on her partners penis.

Ouch!!!!

You win.

And WHAT is UP with people who say "Vomiking" ?

 

[froggiepremed]

Don't you find it horrifying/incomprehensible that people could be SO uneducated or unaware as to realize (for example) that they're several months pregnant?! Oy. I think I'd cry...

2 females in the exam room for vague abdominal pain.

Doc: "could you be pregnant?

pt: looking at other female in an overly sexual way, "I can't be pregnant" followed by giggles

Doc: "so, you're on BC, haven't had sex in a while, etc?"

Pt: "haha, I can't be pregnant, we're lesbians!"

1 hour later...positive pregnancy test

her girlfriend was pissed and left her there

 

[doctorp82]

During a ROS after staffing a longstanding bipolar patient to our ward (just for detail, he looks like Uncle Eddie from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Sounds like him too):

"Do you have any STD's or history of an STD?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I do"

"When was your last sexual encounter?"

"Mmmmm, about 17 years ago I'd say"

"What symptoms do you have? Do you have any burning or itching, pain when you urinate, discharge from your penis?"

"No, don't have any of that"

"Any rash, ulcers?"

"No"

"So what are your symptoms?"

"I get these little red spots when I get an erection."

"Do you have them currently?"

"I don't know, I haven't had an erection since I started on my meds way back when."

 

[OrnotMajestic]

"If I lay on my side, will my belly crush my baby?"
Said to me by my pregnant, 350+ pound patient.

Further in the same interview:
"My ole man has only one testicle, and he has four other kids by other mommas. All of them are girls, so does that mean I can only have a girl?"
She seemed relieved when I informed her that her "ole man's" one testicle squirts out both "boy and girl" sperm, and that the FOB didn't lose his "boy testicle".

 

[getunconcsious]

"MY BRAIN EXPLODING!!"

-Chief complaint of a 400 lb ghetto woman in OB triage. Turned out she had a tooth abscess.

 

[nowai]

CC: Sinkable episodes

Got to love clerks

 

[sjt9721]

CC:Abd pain and 'constipation' in young male, nursing staff does triage exam including bowel sounds.
Results of ausculation: "purring noise".
Results of Acute Abdominal Series: 3 inch vibrator in rectum with switch in "on" position and hours worth of battery life left.

He could have at least had the decency to enjoy the rest of his AAA's worth of jollies before coming into the ER, IMHO.

And I'd bet money that he drove miles & miles past several hospitals before choosing yours. The ones I've seen in that situation didn't want to chance running into anyone they knew!

 

[Meatwad]

"There's a vine growing out of my jenny" (patient had stuck a potato up her hooha and left it there, and it actually sprouted)

Are you serious?! Were you at a hospital in NY at the time? That's bizarre if you weren't, because my friend worked in the ER at a hospital here a few years back and a favorite story of ours was the "potato uterus," lady. I can't believe this has happened to multiple people.

 

[docjolly]

CC: (the patient, very casually, and quite happily says) "My pacemaker is falling out."

....sometime later in the conversation:

Me: So, Mr. X , are you on any heart medications?

Pt: Yep.

Me: What are those meds?

Pt. I don't know... A friend just gives them to me.

Me: (looking very confused): Is this your cardiologist?

Pt: well...ummm....no. I just get my meds from a friend. He's a doctor, but not
my cardiologist...He gives them to me on the side...



(Note: the patient had a quarter-sized hole in his upper right chest...through the hole, I could see the batter of his pacemaker)

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Overheard the other day while at the emergency department:
Patient, whose face is covered in reddish abrasions, a few what looked like (I didn't get a close look) purple "hickey" type contusions: "I got attacked by a flock of seagulls"
Medical student: "The band?"

 

[LifetimeDoc]

Pysch patient in the ER;

CC: "I need p*ssy."


This guy was f*ckin nuts.

Nuts? Sounds like a normal, healthy straight male to me!

Well, except for the going to the ER part to get it.

 

[misery]

Like obese women who accidentally deliver a baby while "making toilet"

No CC but funny story regarding above.

Obese woman comes in with Abd Pain. Taken to OB room in the ER. Minutes after before Dr. goes in, she begins Screaming........."Oh Lowd (lord), Oh Lowd, What is dat"......yah she's ghetto. We run in, she's standing over the toilet, looking at her baby, umbilical cord still attached running up through her size 0 skirt, mind you she's probably a size 50. "I ain't pregnut, that ain't my baby. That ain't my baby. Ya'll get that baby outta hur. That ain't mine."

True story. Less exciting without actually doing the voice of the lady. These people actually vote.

 

[hale-bopp]

some of these come from classmates:

"It's hot and I want to wear my feet out"
translation: I have bunions and corns.

"I'm going through a lot of napkins"
translation: I need a refill of my aleve (naprosyn).

"vaginal discharge"
translation: I have my period and put a $20 in my vagina when the cops showed up at the strip club where I was prostituting myself. Can you please find it for me? (this happened to my classmate, not me, thankfully)

"I have a bump on my neck"
translation: I am a 65 year old man who just noticed his adam's apple.

 

[hucm2009]

True story. Less exciting without actually doing the voice of the lady. These people actually vote.

Yeah, they even hold the USA's current presidential office!

 

[Ambs]

"I'm farting out blood"

sad, but the way this patient said it, just made it funny

 

[souljah1]

My favorite - "The thrill is gone in my AV fistula"

 

[Sureshot83]

Not exactly an unusual CC but a funny story nonetheless...

This is from the initial ER H&P:

CC: Chest pain.

HPI: Patient feels tightness in chest. Denies chest pain. (yada yada yada)



What?!?!