Funniest Chief Complaints

[doctorp82]

When all the new college freshmen show up you can get some good ones. Here's one:

CC: "I almost passed out"
near syncopal episode, arriving by ambulance.

And a 16 year old girl:
CC: "The back of my head feels shakey"
No visual changes, hearing changes, cerebellar or dorsal columns signs, auras, etc.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[analgold09]

"They tried to kill me at the Sam's Club."

"I want a sack lunch."

"Something is falling out of my vagina."

"I'm angry and want to be admitted."

 

[tkostiuk4]

CC: "It feels like a bird is trying to fly out of my vagina."

Translation: Patient presenting in active labor

 

[kronickm]

"I've lost two of my fingers."

Guy walked in to the ED calmer then hell, "I Lost two of my fingers."

Triage nurse: (unable to see his hand at first) "That's too bad sir, where did they go"

Guy: "I think they fell into the table saw" (revealing his hand missing pinky and ring finger to the nurse)

Nurse: "Holy Crap"

Guy: "Yeah I figured I should at least get it checked out" <-- best part

 

[funkless]

psych rotation: "I had an accident with diarrhea and my wife went ballistic."

M3: "What brings you in?"
Patient: "red ambulance."

 

[enanareina]

cc:

"My ***** itch." <--psych patient's reply when asked about her mood

"I'm a rat from Australia." <--yes, this was inpatient psych

"Soy loco." <--internal medicine patient



My friend in the ER:

"I broke a window and am bleeding."

"My parts are huge."

"I chainsawed my leg."

"F*** you."

 

[Miami_med]

From OB/GYN:
cc: bleeding per vagina every 28 days

From Peds:
cc: "my baby keeps throwing up," (aka: I forcefeed my infant twice the recommended feeding amounts and then he throws up)

 

[funkless]

Two favorites from Elvis Presley Memorial Trauma Center:

"M'ahmbroke!"

"F88k you, you a88hole."

 

[PeeWee137]

from my 40 year old virgin devout muslim internist in a fit of mania:

"if i dont have sex soon im gonna jump out the window"

not as funny taken out of context, but she was a really interesting case, very conflicted between religion and sex. she was my favorite. and she told me i'd make a great psychiatrist.

as a side note, my attending told me that its very common for doctors to be bipolar. i think that explains the majority of the attendings ive had.

 

[PeeWee137]

i thought of another. i love psych!

my patient comes in cause hes hearing voices. i asked him what they were saying, and he says "they keep calling me a weenie and a wimp". apparently his voice only knew words that began with W. for the rest of the interview, i stopped paying attention and was thinking about other name-calling words that began with W. sadly i couldnt think of that many.

 

[Ashers]

Me: So what brings you in here today?

Pt: I just had a tubal pregnancy surgery, and I had sex with my baby-daddy last week, so I want pregnancy test, and when I lay down, I have pain on my right side, and I smell like fish.

 

[Biscuit799]

A lady actually said, "I don't think my mitochondria are working."


You can't make this stuff up...

 

[funkless]

Me: So what brings you in here today?

Pt: I just had a tubal pregnancy surgery, and I had sex with my baby-daddy last week, so I want pregnancy test, and when I lay down, I have pain on my right side, and I smell like fish.

That's hilarious, accurate, and revolting.

In other words, more of exactly what this thread needs! Cheers!

 

[153445]

A middle-aged man at the psych hospital:

CC: "I HATE MY MOM! She always does this to me!"

 

[Dr JPH]

I have 3 new ones:

What brings you into the ER today?

Patient 1: "Doc, I'm ass over tin cups...I'm flying like a frisbee!"
Translation: "Vertigo"


Patient 2: "I have infantigo"
Translation: "Abscess"


Patient 3: "My post traumatic stress disorder gave me the $hits so my wife told me that I either get to the hospital or she was going to enemize me."
Translation: "Ate bad grapes - caused diarrhea."

 

[plastikosmd]

mine is not as much as a CC as it is a story....


As a student we had a rather large woman present to the ED with c/o crampy abd. pain. She said the pain would come an go...has been getting more frequent..started 12 hrs or so ago...etc. well you can imagine where this is going...asked about period...none for several months...b/c she says.."we are on the pill" etc. (that becomes very important)...anyway after a brief workup...low and behold she is gonna give birth..we tell her..she is shocked as you might guess. she wonders how her birth control could have failed..we ask a bit more...do you follow the directions, do you take the pill at the same time every day....and then she says..."o i dont take the pill...my Husband takes the pill, i tried it but it makes me nauseous" ......sigh if i wasnt standing there i would not have believed it....

so i went out to the waiting room and looked for the dude with breasts to congratulate him on being a new dad

 

[Dr JPH]

mine is not as much as a CC as it is a story....


As a student we had a rather large woman present to the ED with c/o crampy abd. pain. She said the pain would come an go...has been getting more frequent..started 12 hrs or so ago...etc. well you can imagine where this is going...asked about period...none for several months...b/c she says.."we are on the pill" etc. (that becomes very important)...anyway after a brief workup...low and behold she is gonna give birth..we tell her..she is shocked as you might guess. she wonders how her birth control could have failed..we ask a bit more...do you follow the directions, do you take the pill at the same time every day....and then she says..."o i dont take the pill...my Husband takes the pill, i tried it but it makes me nauseous" ......sigh if i wasnt standing there i would not have believed it....

so i went out to the waiting room and looked for the dude with breasts to congratulate him on being a new dad

 

[butterfly0660]

I was in an ER in a small rural hospital the other day, and on the ER board, amidst the numerous chest pain and abdominal pain patients, one had a chief complaint that read, "Knocked over by a cow".

 

[Droopy Snoopy]

mine is not as much as a CC as it is a story....

As a student we had a rather large woman present to the ED with c/o crampy abd. pain. She said the pain would come an go...has been getting more frequent..started 12 hrs or so ago...etc. well you can imagine where this is going...asked about period...none for several months...b/c she says.."we are on the pill" etc. (that becomes very important)...anyway after a brief workup...low and behold she is gonna give birth..we tell her..she is shocked as you might guess. she wonders how her birth control could have failed..we ask a bit more...do you follow the directions, do you take the pill at the same time every day....and then she says..."o i dont take the pill...my Husband takes the pill, i tried it but it makes me nauseous" ......sigh if i wasnt standing there i would not have believed it....

so i went out to the waiting room and looked for the dude with breasts to congratulate him on being a new dad

Along the same lines, we had a guy admitted for like his 12th asthma exacerbation this year. Turns out he was using his inhaler like I use my cologne, spraying it in the air and walking into it.

We had another guy come into the ED for a 3-day history of hiccup. Well, his CBC was all jacked up, and long story short he was in CML blast crisis. the hiccups were totally coincidental as far as we could tell. Anyway, this doesn't totally fit into the theme of the thread, just thought I'd share. Imagine going to see someone about your hiccups and finding out you have less than 2 months to live .

 

[no-see-um]

Along the same lines, we had a guy admitted for like his 12th asthma exacerbation this year. Turns out he was using his inhaler like I use my cologne, spraying it in the air and walking into it.

Pretty sad that, apparently, no doctor, nurse, or pharmacist ever showed him how to use an inhaler and that he has an increased risk of mortality due to asthma exacerbations because of a simple to teach technique.

 

[71263]

Patient's mother: I think my baby ate crack!

Me: Okay... how do you think this happened?

Patient's mother: Well, it all started when we were visiting my brother who is in jail for attempted murder. Anyways, I left my baby alone for about a minute, came back, and I thought she was eating a potato chip. About a minute later, it looked like she was choking, and I pulled a plastic bag out of her mouth. For about a minute, she started acting 'loco'.

Me: Are you sure it was crack??

Patient's mother: Are you kidding me?? They NEVER put anything else in a bag that small! Plus, It had that special red marking on it, so we know they didnt put some other **** there...


Wow...

 

[Dr JPH]

Patient's mother: I think my baby ate crack!

Me: Okay... how do you think this happened?

Patient's mother: Well, it all started when we were visiting my brother who is in jail for attempted murder. Anyways, I left my baby alone for about a minute, came back, and I thought she was eating a potato chip. About a minute later, it looked like she was choking, and I pulled a plastic bag out of her mouth. For about a minute, she started acting 'loco'.

Me: Are you sure it was crack??

Patient's mother: Are you kidding me?? They NEVER put anything else in a bag that small! Plus, It had that special red marking on it, so we know they didnt put some other **** there...


Wow...

I once saw a baby with a piece of broken syringe in her knee. The baby was crawling on the floor and a dirty needle went right into the joint...luckily it didnt bury itself so far that we couldnt get it out with some minor digging.

The mother, of course, was telling us "I dont know how it got there, I dont do that stuff...someone musta dropped it...I have a lotta friends and it was one of them..."

I know my friends drop their dirty needles on my floor all the time.

 

[cbass1350]

CC: "Hitler lives in our basement"

 

[71263]

CC: "Hitler lives in our basement"

Psych ward?

 

[cbass1350]

Psych ward?

yep

 

[Tired]

I once saw a baby with a piece of broken syringe in her knee. The baby was crawling on the floor and a dirty needle went right into the joint...luckily it didnt bury itself so far that we couldnt get it out with some minor digging.

You should've left it in, the kid would've turned out better.

 

[doctorp82]

CC - "almost ingested a geodon tablet"

So this week I started peds inpatient. We had a family where both patients take antipsychotics. The dad takes geodon for his OCD. He took a pill from the bottle, set it on the floor, and then went to the kitchen for his iced tea. When he returned, the pill was no longer on the floor, but in his 18 month old daughter's mouth. He fished it out, called poison control, and they (believing the geodon was ingested) directed them to our hospital.

 

[PeepshowJohnny]

I was in an ER in a small rural hospital the other day, and on the ER board, amidst the numerous chest pain and abdominal pain patients, one had a chief complaint that read, "Knocked over by a cow".

A trauma surgeon told our med school class a pretty funny story. He did his residency in Chicago and was mainly dealing with gunshot wounds, stabbings, etc.

He moves to downstate Illinois at a smaller town hospital. His first night on call his first call was for a farmer who got stepped on by a cow. He thought they were screwing with him.

 

[apar01]

One of my favorites:
CC: "I'm allergic to living"

 

[BlondeDocteur]

From an overweight male electrician:
CC: "I am a little girl; I've come to dance on Broadway. Also, I am the eyes of God."

He was dressed in women's clothing and-- inexplicably-- in hot pink and purple *men's* tennis shoes.

 

[digitlnoize]

We had one the other day that was in the waiting room at the ER and the CC said, "Stroke".

We were like...that's not good...why are they still in the waiting room...sigh.

 

[plastikosmd]

I was curb-sided to see a hand burn on a patient that they just needed follow-up on in my clinic. The patient was in the company of his mother; I greeted them both and proceeded with some questions.

how did you get burned?
....sword fighting
o so you guys were just messin around?
...no we are in training
so you are in the military?
....yes I am a 6 star general

he is like 17 years old, at this point I wasnt sure if he was being sarcastic or not...

a 6 star general...what branch?
...the (local town) militia, I am the youngest general in the country

ok so how did you get burned while sword fighting?
...I got cut and we cauterized the wound
with what?
..the sword

he then explains that there is both an emt and a "troop surgeon" the emt recommended that he just hold pressure on the wound, elevate and come to the ER, however the emt has been wrong before and they feel like he is an idiot..so the troop surgeon..who has no medical training recommended that they heat the sword up to a cherry red, drink some ETOH and cauterize the wound.....as they were cauterizing he states..the emt was yelling in the background "stop you are burning too deep!!!" he says he ignored the "idiot"
and finished the job.

so I asked him why he was here in the ER
mom interjects that he keeps complaining of pain so she made him come in...
to which he responds.."idiot"

at this point he interjects that the end of the world is coming..and that is what they are in training for..and since he liked me I could come stay in his bunker...which also doubles as his bedroom if the end were to come.


his cell phone rings at this time...I am dressing the burn..he growls and hangs up....and then says...

"god I hate women, all the want to do is use me for sex, I cant stand that, i'm not a piece of meat...I mean you are married right???? im sure your wife is ok...but gosh I cant stand them..."

about here I made my dx of crazy....

I asked him if he was on any psyc meds.
no...he says
yes mom says

any hospitalizations for psyc issues?
nope...he says
yup mom says..

I guess the best part about this case was the fact the ER resident had no idea the patient was off their rocker. The resident was incredulous when I told them the story....figuring I was just joking or trying to make more work for them...just about that time the patient bolted from the room...screaming at the top of his lungs, promptly tackled by security and I was on my way.

 

[analgold09]

CC: "GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!"

65 y/o man w/ h/o schizophrenia, undifferentiated type. He also had a 10 and 13 year old boy in him, too, but stated that he did not want them out. They "got along."

Love psych!

 

[randomedstudent]

This happened to an ortho resident I know...

Nurse (yes, a nurse, who he knows well): Hey, doc O, come here. I need you to help me with my fetus.

Resident: Ummm...I'm an orthopedic surgeon. I think you need to see your OB.

Nurse: No, doc, my fetus!! (pointing to her feet)

 

[Orthonut]

Had one present to the VTH the other day with the following complaint:

"Pt depressed" Ok, I thought-the pt must be acting lethargic etc. Upon further questioning the owner said "Oh no, he's not lethargic-he's depressed. See how sad he looks? He just goes around looking like he's gonna cry any minute, oh fix him, I can't stand it anymore"

Pt was a freaking BASSET HOUND. Nothing wrong with him-just the extra wrinkly flooby Basset skin and droopy ears/eye lids. Took like 20 mins to explain that her dog was normal, and I still don't thinks he quite belived me.

 

[Kittenmommy]

I hope the TV writers of "House" stumble across this thread. Watching House get some of these cases in the hospital clinic would be absolutely hilarious.

Do you like House? Do you like Harry Potter? Combine them and you get this amazing little ficlet in which (as the summary says) "House has a weird coma case on his desk and a crazy guy in his clinic rounds. Also fantasies of a remote mute button for Foreman.".

The best part? Everyone from both fandoms is completely in character!

[/threadjack]

 

[jaboy]

27 Y/O man (came to ED)
cc: White stuff when I we-we

I think he could use a more grown up word for his penis when he had gonorrhea.

17 Y/O man (came to ED)
CC: I have a bump in the back of my head.
Reality: that is the inion (external occipital protuberance) that everyone has.

 

[sga814]

CC: "ingested a bottle of fish oil"

(yes, it's a psych patient)

 

[deleted29780]

most of you are definitely kidding...

 

[Amxcvbcv]

most of you are definitely kidding...

You haven't done your psych rotation yet, have you?

There are some craaaaazy people out there. Don't let being surrounded by MD and PhD to bes skew your perspective too much.

 

[chagall]

CC: "GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!"

65 y/o man w/ h/o schizophrenia, undifferentiated type. He also had a 10 and 13 year old boy in him, too, but stated that he did not want them out. They "got along."

Love psych!

I had a pt (a post-menopausal woman) with "cats and dogs" inside her on my inpatient rotation. Every morning, she would ask when she could get an abortion to get the animals out of her.

 

[Ashers]

most of you are definitely kidding...

Mine was definitely not psych; it was OB/gyn, and I was really sad yesterday when she was a no-show for her appointment. I was hoping to get another great chief complaint or see if she ever stopped smelling like fish.

 

[Beau Geste]

Yeah, they even hold the USA's current presidential office!

Please.

 

[Myempire1]

The last 45 minutes have been really entertaining.

I personally haven't experienced anything crazy on my rotations yet, but a friend of mine has....

A child walked in with his mother with a CC of sore throat and runny nose. My friend shadows his intern who does a history and physical. The intern acts very professional and kind of stern, like many physicians do. At the end of the interview, the intern and child are siting face to face and the intern asks the if there was anything else the child would like to add. There is a short pause. Then the kid frankly responds "your breath stinks." My friend apparently had to excuse himself to die laughing.

 

[doctorp82]

Not a CC, just a statement:

28 yo female, "Can I take my fatty lipoma home?"

Yes

 

[Ashers]

Ok, new CC, compliments of family med:

34yo Hispanic male (just setting it up for potential risk factors later) says he has a lump in his breast, "The only thing that makes is better is when I rub it, if I could I'd rub it 24/7, but I don't want to feel like I'm playing with myself all the time. Do I have breast cancer?"

He has unilateral gynecomastia and a history of drug seeking. He left with a breast exam, testicular exam, and breast ultrasound.

Not a CC, just a statement:

28 yo female, "Can I take my fatty lipoma home?"

Yes

I asked if I could have the broken sesamoid from my sesamoidectomy when I was in college.

 

[ChubbyChaser]

Im not a Med student but an EMT so i still see alot

"my dick is swoll"
"this cyst on my a.. is killing me"
"my blood pressure hurts"

 

[Kazema]

Here's one from Gyn clinic today, a post-menopausal woman who's deaf. We had to communicate with pen and paper.

Me: What brings you in today?
Her: I need pap smear for my too hot pu$$y.

Translation: dysuria

 

[Sureshot83]

CC: _______ ________ wants to have a relationship with my wife. Please bring marijuana, heroin, cocaine, and LSD for me.



(The two blanks represent a person's first name and last name.....I am pretty sure this person doesn't actually exist, but I left it blank just in case.)

 

[spdrcrbmw]

On my ENT sub-I, a patient came in for f/u of a broken nose he suffered in a fight.

Me: "any problems with your nose in the last 3 months?"

Pt: "Yea, I used to be able to smell when a chick was horny, but I lost my power since I broke my nose"

On my medicine inpatient month, a homeless man came in with osteomyelitis of his big toe.

Me: "this looks like you've had this for awhile, what changed recently that brought you into the hospital?"

Pt: "I lost my pimp walk boss, can you get it back for me?"