Funniest Chief Complaints

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mine is not as much as a CC as it is a story....
so i went out to the waiting room and looked for the dude with breasts to congratulate him on being a new dad

Just classic! :D

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So I'm at the ER doing my volunteer work, and a pharmacist calls up to talk to the nurse.

Pharmacist: I've got an unusual prescription here on one of Dr. so-and-so's script notes. It's for morphine, and it is spelled "m-o-r-f-e-e-n"

Nurse: How much is it for?

Pharmacist: one pound

Someone had obviously stolen one of the doc's pads off his desk.
 
My last patient today, 53 year old, diabetic Hispanic (Spanish speaking only), no translators left, so I go in by myself with the very basic Spanish I speak (I understand a lot more).

One of this guy's multiple CC's while I was doing his foot exam:

You should marry me. You're young, you should be married, and your hands are soft.

WHY couldn't there have been a translator?!?!

Edit: Oops, his complaint was "You won't marry me."
 
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Not CC, but funny story:

Somehow friend of mine got onto the subject of food with a kid in a clinic situation. The kid told her she should stop eating chicken because that's what was making her armpits fat. And said it several times. Even when apologizing (forcibly), then said it again after the apology.
 
"Lots of things in penis--can't get them out"

(Psych inmate placed pieces of a broken golf pencil, magazine page, styrofoam cup, and mustard packet into his urethra. After a retrograde urethrogram, urology was consulted.)
 
"Bleeding from vagina 10 out of 10"

(A variation of the 10 scale used more commonly for pain)
 
To 9-1-1: "I shot myself twice in the chest and once in the head with a nail gun, and I didn't die. Maybe it just isn't my time. Come take me to the hospital."
 
Im not sure if this is funny or not but I couldn't believe what this pt did in the ED where I was volunteering. This woman comes in drunk and is there with her brother. roughly 35 or 40 years old. She is waiting to be seen by an E.R. doc and asked the nurse "can have some water im very thirsty. " The nurse says no I can't get water for you right now the doctor has to see you first and walks away. The woman then calls me over and tries the same thing. "I'm really thirsty can you get me some water?". I ask what are you here for? The brother says because she had to much to drink. I replied im really sorry but I can't because if they have to do any type of surg. they won't if your given water or food but I will ask the nurse. I walked over to the nurses station and told them what I had said to her. They said yeah she can't have water right now. I went straight back to her bed and she was drinking out of a bed pan..........................................................................
 
I went straight back to her bed and she was drinking out of a bed pan..........................................................................

Please tell me that it was water that she was drinking out of that bedpan. :eek:
 
I wasn't sure.. she drunk the liquid before I reached her. I hope it was water though...
 
I wasn't sure.. she drunk the liquid before I reached her. I hope it was water though...

Urk.
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This is not exactly a CC, but not sure where else to put it. I'm still a little nonplussed.

Happy, healthy 2 mo old in for a routine check, with her happy, healthy, mid-20s mom.

Me: "Were there any complications during the pregnancy?"
Her: "Nope, everything went fine."
Me: "Any hypertension, diabetes?"
Her: "No"
Me: "And your C-section was planned? Any problems there?"
Her: "They said my baby was too big for the birth canal, that's all. It went fine."
Me: "Any other difficulties with the birth?"
Her: "No, not really."
Me: "So anything else happen?"
Her: "Well, I did go into cardiac arrest the next day."

Me: "......"

............

I'm wondering if she saved the best for last, just to see the look on my face.

That was also the first time I've actually asked the question: "So, how long were you down?"
 
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Im not sure if this is funny or not but I couldn't believe what this pt did in the ED where I was volunteering. This woman comes in drunk and is there with her brother. roughly 35 or 40 years old. She is waiting to be seen by an E.R. doc and asked the nurse "can have some water im very thirsty. " The nurse says no I can't get water for you right now the doctor has to see you first and walks away. The woman then calls me over and tries the same thing. "I'm really thirsty can you get me some water?". I ask what are you here for? The brother says because she had to much to drink. I replied im really sorry but I can't because if they have to do any type of surg. they won't if your given water or food but I will ask the nurse. I walked over to the nurses station and told them what I had said to her. They said yeah she can't have water right now. I went straight back to her bed and she was drinking out of a bed pan..........................................................................

I've had patients that were on fluid restrictions drink out of their foley bag or the toilet.

As well as NPO (aspiration precautions) pt that was drinking out of his PEG tube.
 
I've had patients that were on fluid restrictions drink out of their foley bag or the toilet.

Honest to God, what is wrong with some people? :eek:

As well as NPO (aspiration precautions) pt that was drinking out of his PEG tube.

I had to look up what a PEG tube is. If it's this, how in the world did the patient manage to drink from it? Doesn't it go down into the stomach anyway? Did the patient pull it out and... ugh. I'm over-analyzing this, aren't I? :p
 
I had to look up what a PEG tube is. If it's this, how in the world did the patient manage to drink from it? Doesn't it go down into the stomach anyway? Did the patient pull it out and... ugh. I'm over-analyzing this, aren't I? :p

Some feeding tubes have longer tubes than others. And some patients are on continuous feeds and others on bolus feeds.

Either way, there is generally some residual/secretions in the stomach, the patient opened the tube and sucked (similar to when staff use a syringe to aspirate and check residual), pulling out the residual.

As far as the ones on fluid restrictions that drink out of the tap (Hyponatremia d/t excess water intake/psych issues), we have had to turn the water off to the room and have them come out of the room to wash their hands, in some places.

Some patients really scare me..........
 
Honest to God, what is wrong with some people? :eek:

You ever been severely dehydrated? Your mind doesn't work so good. I can imagine I'd be pretty out of it and my natural instinct to preserve my life by getting some fluid in me would kick in. Not sure I'd drink out of a toilet, but the other methods seem like fair game.
 
Some feeding tubes have longer tubes than others. And some patients are on continuous feeds and others on bolus feeds.

Either way, there is generally some residual/secretions in the stomach, the patient opened the tube and sucked (similar to when staff use a syringe to aspirate and check residual), pulling out the residual.

OMG that is so unbelievably foul. :eek:

As far as the ones on fluid restrictions that drink out of the tap (Hyponatremia d/t excess water intake/psych issues), we have had to turn the water off to the room and have them come out of the room to wash their hands, in some places.

I think the person drinking out of the stomach tube probably belonged in psych too. Yikes.

Some patients really scare me..........

Reading this thread and the "Things I Learned From My Patients" thread really makes me wonder about people.
 
You ever been severely dehydrated? Your mind doesn't work so good. I can imagine I'd be pretty out of it and my natural instinct to preserve my life by getting some fluid in me would kick in. Not sure I'd drink out of a toilet, but the other methods seem like fair game.

But if they were so dehydrated that they were driven to drink out of a toilet or their Foley bag, surely they weren't getting enough fluids! How could someone end up being that dehydrated in a hospital??
 
You ever been severely dehydrated? Your mind doesn't work so good. I can imagine I'd be pretty out of it and my natural instinct to preserve my life by getting some fluid in me would kick in. Not sure I'd drink out of a toilet, but the other methods seem like fair game.

One of the reasons why someone might be on fluid restrictions is because of psychogenic polydipsia. We had a schizophrenic patient like that. They drink just because they feel like they have to, not because they're dehydrated, and they can die from electrolyte imbalances.
 
One of the reasons why someone might be on fluid restrictions is because of psychogenic polydipsia. We had a schizophrenic patient like that. They drink just because they feel like they have to, not because they're dehydrated, and they can die from electrolyte imbalances.

Like you said, that's one of the reasons. Aren't sane, non-schizo people put on fluid restrictions as well?
 
Like you said, that's one of the reasons. Aren't sane, non-schizo people put on fluid restrictions as well?

Sure, but these people are also monitored to make sure that they have a decent urine output. (Some examples of patients would be those who have CHF and cannot have fluid overload.) They probably shouldn't get dehydrated enough that they can't produce urine, and so shouldn't get dehydrated enough to start drinking fluid out of a foley bag. (Not that the foley bag would have anything in it to drink.)

The only people that I can think of (off the top of my head) that would be so desperate for fluid that they'd drink out of a PEG tube or a foley are people with psychogenic polydipsia or maybe diabetes insipidus. Maybe. In the case of psychogenic polydipsia, they shouldn't drink at all - they'll put their electrolyte balance way out of wack. Diabetes insipidus - people need to drink, but their massive urine output should also indicate that there is a problem.
 
Honest to God, what is wrong with some people? :eek:



I had to look up what a PEG tube is. If it's this, how in the world did the patient manage to drink from it? Doesn't it go down into the stomach anyway? Did the patient pull it out and... ugh. I'm over-analyzing this, aren't I? :p

Just for clarification purposes:

the PEG has an external component to which you can apply suction (usuallly with a syringe but a mouth will do) and remove stomach contents. Therefore, its fairly easy (albeit gross) to drink from a PEG.
 
As far as the ones on fluid restrictions that drink out of the tap (Hyponatremia d/t excess water intake/psych issues), we have had to turn the water off to the room and have them come out of the room to wash their hands, in some places.

Some patients really scare me..........

I love doing that when the patient won't comply but I'll admit I've never turned off the water to the toilet (as it hadn't occured to me that someone might drink THAT water).:scared:
 
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Sure, but these people are also monitored to make sure that they have a decent urine output. (Some examples of patients would be those who have CHF and cannot have fluid overload.) They probably shouldn't get dehydrated enough that they can't produce urine, and so shouldn't get dehydrated enough to start drinking fluid out of a foley bag. (Not that the foley bag would have anything in it to drink.)

The only people that I can think of (off the top of my head) that would be so desperate for fluid that they'd drink out of a PEG tube or a foley are people with psychogenic polydipsia or maybe diabetes insipidus. Maybe. In the case of psychogenic polydipsia, they shouldn't drink at all - they'll put their electrolyte balance way out of wack. Diabetes insipidus - people need to drink, but their massive urine output should also indicate that there is a problem.

I dunno...some people are just weird and don't necessarily need a physiological disorder to explain this behavior.
 
Just for clarification purposes:

the PEG has an external component to which you can apply suction (usuallly with a syringe but a mouth will do) and remove stomach contents. Therefore, its fairly easy (albeit gross) to drink from a PEG.

that is sick! speaking of gross surgical issues, one of my interns on neurology told me that when he was a student at UCLA he had a pt with a colostomy come in for an infection at the site. cultures grew out gram negative diplococci........ yeah. the intern said this guy was letting men have sex with his colostomy and ended up getting gonorrhea. :eek: :barf:
 
that is sick! speaking of gross surgical issues, one of my interns on neurology told me that when he was a student at UCLA he had a pt with a colostomy come in for an infection at the site. cultures grew out gram negative diplococci........ yeah. the intern said this guy was letting men have sex with his colostomy and ended up getting gonorrhea. :eek: :barf:

Its actually fairly common in some circles.

Fortunately, I don't travel in those circles, but have met a couple of patients in my day who did (albeit they were females with stomas).
 
I love doing that when the patient won't comply but I'll admit I've never turned off the water to the toilet (as it hadn't occured to me that someone might drink THAT water).:scared:

Ok, so this is non-medical... but growing up in Southern California, we were told that if the "big earthquake" hit (the one they've been waiting for, for years), and all our water was off, we run out of bottled water, we could drink from the toilet because it was clean (assuming people have good household hygeine and keep the toilet clean on a regular basis).
 
Ok, so this is non-medical... but growing up in Southern California, we were told that if the "big earthquake" hit (the one they've been waiting for, for years), and all our water was off, we run out of bottled water, we could drink from the toilet because it was clean (assuming people have good household hygeine and keep the toilet clean on a regular basis).


They dont mean from the bowl, they mean its ok to drink from the holding tank.
 
They dont mean from the bowl, they mean its ok to drink from the holding tank.

Hehe. Good thing I left CA before that big earthquake that's gonna send part of the state into the water then. :p

I think I knew that when I lived there (or my mom kept reminding me of it, because I kept forgetting that fact), but all I remember now is them telling us to drink from toilets, and me thinking it was weird.
 
CC: "I was a monkey."

Translation: I was really drunk and climbed a tree and fell and broke my wrist.

And yes, my resident logged in the CPU system a chief complaint of, "I was a monkey."
 
that is sick! speaking of gross surgical issues, one of my interns on neurology told me that when he was a student at UCLA he had a pt with a colostomy come in for an infection at the site. cultures grew out gram negative diplococci........ yeah. the intern said this guy was letting men have sex with his colostomy and ended up getting gonorrhea. :eek: :barf:

Yeah I heard a similar story actually... but this patient kept coming in with STD infections around his stoma! ie: he didn't learn after the first time!!!!! horrible!
 
Its actually fairly common in some circles.

Fortunately, I don't travel in those circles, but have met a couple of patients in my day who did (albeit they were females with stomas).

Yeah I heard a similar story actually... but this patient kept coming in with STD infections around his stoma! ie: he didn't learn after the first time!!!!! horrible!

insanity, i cant believe its so common. supposedly there are like web sites devoted to this stuff. :barf:
 
Its actually fairly common in some circles.

Fortunately, I don't travel in those circles, but have met a couple of patients in my day who did (albeit they were females with stomas).

I've had female patients that had STDs in their stomas from that practice. One of them was a prostitute - the fees varied.
 
"My atlas hurts"

- said over and over by a guy who it was ultimatel decided had sustained a concussion.

I realize that the atlas is another name for C1, but how this dude could possibly feel his atlas is beyond me.
 
CC: "I'm a piece of sh1t"

Depressed psych patient who can't work after a streak of job related injuries.
 
This is really common in the prison population. I've had patients who didn't want their ostomy reversed while they were still locked up...seems they could make a profit on their colostomy in prison this way!
 
This is really common in the prison population. I've had patients who didn't want their ostomy reversed while they were still locked up...seems they could make a profit on their colostomy in prison this way!

It's absolutely amazing what one can learn on the Internet, isn't it? :p
 
45 yo schizophrenic lady checks into the ER with a HA...doesn't know how bad it is, how long it's been there, or if she's ever had a similar one. She gets a liter, some toradol and is d/c'd in 2 hours. Then an hour later, she decides to check BACK in with a CC of......(drum roll)......."HA, and I want a cheeseburger (with no onion)".
 
Its actually fairly common in some circles.

Fortunately, I don't travel in those circles, but have met a couple of patients in my day who did (albeit they were females with stomas).

I've managed to hear and read about a lot of crazy stuff in my 27 short years, but nothing has made me feel as freaked out as that.

Ugh... I feel disturbed. :p
 
This is really common in the prison population. I've had patients who didn't want their ostomy reversed while they were still locked up...seems they could make a profit on their colostomy in prison this way!

I really, truly wish that I hadn't read this particular post.

Mental floss, please.
 
..do you follow the directions, do you take the pill at the same time every day....and then she says..."o i dont take the pill...my Husband takes the pill, i tried it but it makes me nauseous" ......sigh if i wasnt standing there i would not have believed it....

so i went out to the waiting room and looked for the dude with breasts to congratulate him on being a new dad

In males the HPTA feedback loop is controlled almost entirely by estrogen. I find this hard to believe since taking BC pills would shut down his HPTA, lower FSH and LH and result in infertility.
 
Not the cheif complaint , but one patient I was doing an H & P on was a very little sweet petite woman. Her history included among other things : 1) history of hepatitis from when she was a police officer, and was breaking up a fight in a bar on Troost in Kansas City back in the 80's, and her nightstick broke over the guys head so she was just punching him in the face and broke the skin on her knuckles, and then outside the bar a guy had an open pneumothorax (sucking wound) and she used a piece of plastic nearby to cover the wound and got some of his blood in the broken skin on her hand and he had hepatitis. 2) When in the military in the 80's she was in south America and got into a firefight and jumped in a ditch and landed on a dead body and a pack of rats was under it and ran out and a rat bit her, and at the time she was afraid she might have bubonic plague, but she was evaluated medically back then and it turns out she didn't. I was sitting there, looking at this girl I literally outweigh by 100 LBS, personally having an extensive history of martial arts and having worked security for several years myself in the 80's and 90's - and thought in a fight, this is a girl I would want to have my back. My type of woman :love:
 
I one time had a patient whose chief complaint listed from the nursing home (I was doing geriatric psych): She cannot stop saying the c- word. Needless to say, they were right. I think I was called that 100 times during the week she was there (not to mention that she tried to pinch my butt a couple of times). Did I mention that she was over 80. The fond memories of 3rd year......
 
I one time had a patient whose chief complaint listed from the nursing home (I was doing geriatric psych): She cannot stop saying the c- word.

Which "c-word?" I can think of at least 4 that would all be hilarious in this situation.
 
Was this my roommate from sophomore year of college?

Same physical description but she had gotten into Cornell on a hockey scholarship and then couldn't go because she broke her knee and had a knee replacement (for which there was no scar.) Additionally, she was a firefighter at 16 because her dad was a volunteer firefighter and had pulled strings to "get her on" without her being 18. During that time she had saved a baby from a fire by crawling through the ductwork (due to her small size) and had received an award from the mayor of her city. There were other stories as well. Obviously, she also should have been a psych patient (but for compulsive lying).

Not the cheif complaint , but one patient I was doing an H & P on was a very little sweet petite woman. Her history included among other things : 1) history of hepatitis from when she was a police officer, and was breaking up a fight in a bar on Troost in Kansas City back in the 80's, and her nightstick broke over the guys head so she was just punching him in the face and broke the skin on her knuckles, and then outside the bar a guy had an open pneumothorax (sucking wound) and she used a piece of plastic nearby to cover the wound and got some of his blood in the broken skin on her hand and he had hepatitis. 2) When in the military in the 80's she was in south America and got into a firefight and jumped in a ditch and landed on a dead body and a pack of rats was under it and ran out and a rat bit her, and at the time she was afraid she might have bubonic plague, but she was evaluated medically back then and it turns out she didn't. I was sitting there, looking at this girl I literally outweigh by 100 LBS, personally having an extensive history of martial arts and having worked security for several years myself in the 80's and 90's - and thought in a fight, this is a girl I would want to have my back. My type of woman :love:
 
During an ER shift.....
Me:"Good evening Mr.whatever, what brings you in tonight?"
Pt: "Doc....I think I broke my penis"

After listening to how it happened...I did feel sorry for him!
 
1) history of hepatitis from when she was a police officer, and was breaking up a fight in a bar on Troost in Kansas City back in the 80's, and her nightstick broke over the guys head so she was just punching him in the face and broke the skin on her knuckles, and then outside the bar a guy had an open pneumothorax (sucking wound) and she used a piece of plastic nearby to cover the wound and got some of his blood in the broken skin on her hand and he had hepatitis.

Translation: I got hepatitis from sharing heroin needles, but how about a nice story ...
 
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