Gay relationships in med school and beyond?

[pillowsnice]

So how easy is it to find a partner in med school, residency, and when you are a practicing physician? Are you likely to find someone in your med school class or someone outside medicine?

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[mmmcdowe]

Some of it may depend on your locality, but having attended a very LGBT friendly medical school in NYC none of my friends had any issue finding love regardless of orientation. It was a mixture of other medical students and just other individuals from the city, just like straight couples.

 

[Goro]

I believe my young colleague is saying "don't fish in the same pond".

Regardless of your orientation, do not **** where you eat. You will regret it, as many have before you.

 

[efle]

I believe my young colleague is saying "don't fish in the same pond".

Regardless of your orientation, do not **** where you eat. You will regret it, as many have before you.

Why would this apply at med school when it doesn't at very small colleges? Are people really not mature enough to handle dating and breakups in their class?

 

[deleted436726]

Regardless of your orientation, do not **** where you eat. You will regret it, as many have before you.

Well I guess that rules out ass-to-mouth.

 

[Amba]

Why would this apply at med school when it doesn't at very small colleges? Are people really not mature enough to handle dating and breakups in their class?

Because you have 50-200 people in your class that you see (almost) every single day for 2 years. It's nothing like undergrad.

 

[efle]

Because you have 50-200 people in your class that you see (almost) every single day for 2 years. It's nothing like undergrad.

Many small LACs have class sizes of 200-300 people you see constantly for four years and dating goes on just fine there...plus people preparing to be physicians should be a bit past preoccupation with relationship drama shouldn't they?

 

[Dral]

Many small LACs have class sizes of 200-300 people you see constantly for four years and dating goes on just fine there...plus people preparing to be physicians should be a bit past preoccupation with relationship drama shouldn't they?

You would think. Welcome to "High School, Part II"

Some people actually do hold onto the "too cool for school" attitude (I stress attitude, lol)

 

[Goro]

Med school= Class of 50-300

Small college = class of ????

There's a difference.

Why would this apply at med school when it doesn't at very small colleges? Are people really not mature enough to handle dating and breakups in their class?

 

[mdeast]

I'm gay and met my partner at another professional school at the same institution as my medical school. It's a little easier if your school has an integrated campus (i.e. all schools are on the same campus rather than scattered geographically...which often happens), but even if they aren't, most larger institutions have some sort of graduate school queer group that holds social events and will allow you to escape the medical school bubble if you make the effort.

There is plenty of med-student on med-student dating (though...much easier if it's someone not in the same year as you). Personally...I find that boring. It's nice dating someone who isn't connected to the medical world (new people, new ideas, break the "medical" bubble). I see too many physician-physician or physician-scientist pairs in medicine and while there are definitely some benefits (studying together, understanding struggles, "couples" matching, talking "science".... I even know couples who publish research together)...I'd definitely suggest looking outside medical school if you'd like to maintain a connection to the "real" world. Also, there can be some very (weird?) competitiveness in med student pairs that I just didn't want to deal with.

 

[MMADoc]

You would think. Welcome to "High School, Part II"

Some people actually do hold onto the "too cool for school" attitude (I stress attitude, lol)

Honestly, its worse than High School in that regard. My high school class had 400ish students...medical school has 100. Plus, everyone knows everything about each other. So even if you and your SO are cool, you have to deal with everyone else being up in your business.

 

[efle]

Med school= Class of 50-300

Small college = class of ????

There's a difference.

There are classes of 200-300 in some popular LACs like Haverford or Harvey Mudd and Pitzer in the Claremonts. In fact my parents met at one of these and they recall no problems dating in the small classes. I went to a small enough high school to understand about everyone knowing all the gossip and drama, but that was just an annoyance and something I figured 22+ year olds would have outgrown!

 

[NeuResurgens]

I wouldn't go searching for a relationship within your medical school class - I think those are getter left as "happy accidents" rather than something to be pursued. Regardless of your orientation, many medical students find relationships while they are in medical school, as residents or as physicians.

 

[TraumaLlamaMD]

Even if a med school class has 100-200 students, how many of those students will be gay, out, and of the desired gender? You're taking an already very small dating pool and making it miniscule. Anecdotally, I have several gay friends who have found relationships while in med school, but all of them preferred to look outside the class for options.

If there's someone in your class who you really jive with, go for it - I've seen a number of happy couples get together in med school. But I wouldn't limit yourself to this dating pool, from a sheer numbers standpoint.

 

[Womb Raider]

Sh** where you eat, wait for it to turn bad, and then keep an online diary/blog of your experiences and give us the link. Should be interesting.

 

[Salt Salt]

That's what Tinder is for

 

[WingedOx]

There are classes of 200-300 in some popular LACs like Haverford or Harvey Mudd and Pitzer in the Claremonts. In fact my parents met at one of these and they recall no problems dating in the small classes. I went to a small enough high school to understand about everyone knowing all the gossip and drama, but that was just an annoyance and something I figured 22+ year olds would have outgrown!

Med school is far more like high school than life at a LAC.

 

[efle]

Med school is far more like high school than life at a LAC.

Does this mean I should wear my varsity jacket on the first day

 

[mimelim]

Maybe its recall bias, (and the constant facebook updates from the happy people), but the number of good relationships that I know of from my medical school class dwarf the number of bad situations by at least 10:1. There was maybe one or two break-ups that didn't go well and were the subject of a lot of gossip (very high schoolesk), but at least a dozen or so couples that I know of are either on 5+ years or married. In my residency, one resident married an ICU nurse and have a kid, another is engaged to a scrub tech, and four are married to people they met in medical school. In general, I have found that the people that have high drama in their social lives were going to have that no matter what, whether they were dating someone in our class or a complete stranger. To be frank, people don't have a ton of time outside of school and residency and the people you are around a lot tend to be the people you socialize with. It is easy to say don't **** where you eat, and it is probably a perfectly acceptable outlook. On the other hand it is highly inconvenient and I don't think that the bad things that happen are few and far in between. Dating at work is different, but school? I certainly don't have an aversion to it.

But, what do I know. I married a lawyer. (That I met 3 days before starting undergrad at age 18)

 

[mimelim]

I guess I differentiate serious dating from hooking up/casual dating?

I similarly know a number of couples who had great relationships, couples matched, and are now married.

But we had a bunch of flings that went badly, upperclassmen sleeping with M1s at drunk parties, etc.

That's the kind of stuff I'd counsel avoiding.

Sorry, I took the original post to be asking about dating with the hope of ending up in a long term relationship and my post was about that specifically. I would definitely avoid flings with people you will see again in the future and certainly people above or below you at school/work.

 

[Dral]

Hell we literally all had lockers. There was a hallway full of lockers. Just. Like. High School.

I'd actually say it is like high school but with the increased ease of access to alcohol, and (at least for first year, this wears off after a while) a bunch of super high-achieving nerds who think this is their opportunity to reset their social strata.

*mic drop*

This is like pretty much the perfect description of first year of med school.

 

[packersfans]

a bunch of super high-achieving nerds who think this is their opportunity to reset their social strata.

lol oh god I cant wait. This is going to be awesome to watch.

 

[WingedOx]

Does this mean I should wear my varsity jacket on the first day

I'll save my rant about kids showing up to interview day for the BS/MD in varsity jackets for another time.

 

[efle]

I'll save my rant about kids showing up to interview day for the BS/MD in varsity jackets for another time.

To the interview?? Or to like a social intro with the other candidates?

 

[WingedOx]

To the interview?? Or to like a social intro with the other candidates?

To the interview day. Over their suits. With their parents.

There's a reason I don't like BS/MD programs.

 

[efle]

To the interview day. Over their suits. With their parents.

There's a reason I don't like BS/MD programs.

Wow...maybe they hoped to spark conversation with others with a common interest in sports?

It does seem odd to trust that a 17 year old can be with any certainty a good candidate for med school. But locking down a few kids with 2400 SATs that know how to play admissions games probably produces some quality matriculants a few years later that otherwise would've been off to other MD schools. What's the official reasoning for BS/MD programs when the MD schools are already overwhelmed with qualified apps?

 

[WingedOx]

Wow...maybe they hoped to spark conversation with others with a common interest in sports?

It does seem odd to trust that a 17 year old can be with any certainty a good candidate for med school. But locking down a few kids with 2400 SATs that know how to play admissions games probably produces some quality matriculants a few years later that otherwise would've been off to other MD schools. What's the official reasoning for BS/MD programs when the MD schools are already overwhelmed with qualified apps?

I'll defer the response to the reasons for said programs existing to other posters who can probably give a better narrative of the history of said programs.

But it was more the fact that the interview day was in the winter, and those were the winter coats that one wears in high school. The concept of good interview outerwear is probably lost on a high school kid. (I certainly didn't own a good formal coat in HS).

edit: and these were generally letters for things other than sports... not that as a HS kid I'd have been able to talk. The sports I was good at didn't exactly draw the town out on friday nights to support.

 

[kewlboy88]

So how easy is it to find a partner in med school, residency, and when you are a practicing physician? Are you likely to find someone in your med school class or someone outside medicine?

Can we move back to the topic posted by the OP? Being gay is already hard, being gay and trying to date in a city is even harder, being gay and trying to date in a big city (or worse..a rural environment) while being a medical student is going to be extremely difficult. I am starting medical school in the fall - so if there are any gay medical students out there that have developed successful relationships during medical school, any and all advice would be appreciated.

Also, just a side thought: while it certainly wonderful to have straight allies, what those not in the LGBT community need to realize is that dating in the LGBT community is far different from the general population. It seems like there are some people on this forum that love to give advice about topics that they have no idea about or will never, ever experience in their lifetime.

 

[Donald Juan]

Can we move back to the topic posted by the OP? Being gay is already hard, being gay and trying to date in a city is even harder, being gay and trying to date in a big city (or worse..a rural environment) while being a medical student is going to be extremely difficult. I am starting medical school in the fall - so if there are any gay medical students out there that have developed successful relationships during medical school, any and all advice would be appreciated.

Also, just a side thought: while it certainly wonderful to have straight allies, what those not in the LGBT community need to realize is that dating in the LGBT community is far different from the general population. It seems like there are some people on this forum that love to give advice about topics that they have no idea about or will never, ever experience in their lifetime.

Sorry, we're soon to be doctors. This is what we do: give people advice about their situation we will never, ever experience firsthand.

 

[Gandyy]

To the interview day. Over their suits. With their parents.

There's a reason I don't like BS/MD programs.

Considering the maturity level of High School Students in general, at times I wonder how BS/MD programs came about to be a thing.

Dont get me wrong, I applied to one, but didnt get in. I just wasnt very mature back then. I wasnt super immature, but still I was a shadow of who I am now.

 

[kewlboy88]

Sorry, we're soon to be doctors. This is what we do: give people advice about their situation we will never, ever experience firsthand.

There's a difference between a doctor who gives support and guidance (e.g. giving information about a local AA group to an alcoholic) in a professional manner and a doctor who acts like they are incredibly knowledgeable about a subject they know nothing about (e.g. being a gay medical student trying to find a long-term relationship). Support and (maybe guide) a fellow LGBT classmate, but certainly don't act like they definitely should listen to your advice about dating - unless, of course, you are besties with RuPaul or somebody of the like.

 

[genericpremedstudent]

That's what Tinder is for

Grindr*

 

[NickNaylor]

To the interview day. Over their suits. With their parents.

There's a reason I don't like BS/MD programs.

Btw, didn't realize you completed your training this year (I think?) - congrats.

 

[PreciousHamburgers]

Can we move back to the topic posted by the OP? Being gay is already hard, being gay and trying to date in a city is even harder, being gay and trying to date in a big city (or worse..a rural environment) while being a medical student is going to be extremely difficult. I am starting medical school in the fall - so if there are any gay medical students out there that have developed successful relationships during medical school, any and all advice would be appreciated.

Also, just a side thought: while it certainly wonderful to have straight allies, what those not in the LGBT community need to realize is that dating in the LGBT community is far different from the general population. It seems like there are some people on this forum that love to give advice about topics that they have no idea about or will never, ever experience in their lifetime.

Right. Unlike with straight dating, where almost half of the class is the opposite sex and heterosexual, a gay person can at best hope for 5% of the class being gay and the same sex. So with a class of 100, that's 5 people, including yourself. Then you still have to deal with the odds that you find them physically attractive and that you are a good match with each other (hint: you need to have more in common than just sexual orientation). The number can quickly drop to zero.

 

[tantacles]

Can we move back to the topic posted by the OP? Being gay is already hard, being gay and trying to date in a city is even harder, being gay and trying to date in a big city (or worse..a rural environment) while being a medical student is going to be extremely difficult. I am starting medical school in the fall - so if there are any gay medical students out there that have developed successful relationships during medical school, any and all advice would be appreciated.

Also, just a side thought: while it certainly wonderful to have straight allies, what those not in the LGBT community need to realize is that dating in the LGBT community is far different from the general population. It seems like there are some people on this forum that love to give advice about topics that they have no idea about or will never, ever experience in their lifetime.

I was able to do this during my first year of medical school (my partner was another first year), and as a now fourth year, I'd say that things are going pretty well. As a gay person, you don't have the luxury of ruling out anyone, so if there's someone in your medical school class that you could see yourself taking a chance on, go for it. If you've gotten into medical school, you should be able to maturely deal with a breakup if it happens, so take advantage of romantic opportunities that present themselves if they seem mutually beneficial.

Perhaps even more important than working on finding a relationship in medical school is creating a network of LGBT friends. That kind of support, regardless of how involved you want to be in gay activism and "the community" (if you will), is invaluable and can often lead to a relationship indirectly. Not necessarily being set up with anyone, per se, but many times your friends will have other friends who might be interested in you.

This is not easy. It's not an easy question to answer either. I mean, it was by a stroke of luck that I managed to find someone as needy as I am (and nerdy. And judgmental) who happened to want what I wanted in a relationship. All I can say is good luck, and don't chase anyone who isn't interested, even if they just seem to be pretending to be disinterested and you think they actually are; it's not worth it.

 

[WingedOx]

Btw, didn't realize you completed your training this year (I think?) - congrats.

Thanks. Not really an attending, but not a resident either I guess. SDN doesn't really have a tag for "on vacation for a month."

 

[kewlboy88]

I was able to do this during my first year of medical school (my partner was another first year), and as a now fourth year, I'd say that things are going pretty well. As a gay person, you don't have the luxury of ruling out anyone, so if there's someone in your medical school class that you could see yourself taking a chance on, go for it. If you've gotten into medical school, you should be able to maturely deal with a breakup if it happens, so take advantage of romantic opportunities that present themselves if they seem mutually beneficial.

Perhaps even more important than working on finding a relationship in medical school is creating a network of LGBT friends. That kind of support, regardless of how involved you want to be in gay activism and "the community" (if you will), is invaluable and can often lead to a relationship indirectly. Not necessarily being set up with anyone, per se, but many times your friends will have other friends who might be interested in you.

This is not easy. It's not an easy question to answer either. I mean, it was by a stroke of luck that I managed to find someone as needy as I am (and nerdy. And judgmental) who happened to want what I wanted in a relationship. All I can say is good luck, and don't chase anyone who isn't interested, even if they just seem to be pretending to be disinterested and you think they actually are; it's not worth it.

Thank you for pointing this out. While finding a relationship is certainly something most gay men look for, I think what's more important is having good friends who you can spend good (and bad) times with - regardless of whether it leads to a relationship.

 

[whatever5]

I think if you go to a school that has an LGBT group, especially if its integrated with the universities other health profession schools, you should find a decent dating pool if that's your thing.

I had some similar concerns as you since I'm a gay dude, so I mainly applied to urban areas so that A. I'm not in a place where people hate my existence and B. I'm not limited in terms of forming relationships. While it can be a gamble since schools in popular city locations tend to be more competitive, your quality of life for the next 4 years is important too.

 

[Doctor Strange]

I came out as gay during MS2 and played the online dating game for a bit. I met a wonderful man on OKCupid (not in medicine) and have been together with him for six months now; I've never been happier. I'm in Philadelphia for school, but I ironically found him while browsing local profiles in my hometown (read: small town) over winter break. The whole thing was pretty serendipitous, but that's a story for another time. It can be hard as a gay man to find other people to be romantically involved in. I only know of a handful of gay guys in my class. Luckily, online dating is a thing now, so use it to your advantage, especially if you end up in a big city. Take some time to seriously fill out your profile and answer questions honestly.

 

[kewlboy88]

I came out as gay during MS2 and played the online dating game for a bit. I met a wonderful man on OKCupid (not in medicine) and have been together with him for six months now; I've never been happier. I'm in Philadelphia for school, but I ironically found him while browsing local profiles in my hometown (read: small town) over winter break. The whole thing was pretty serendipitous, but that's a story for another time. It can be hard as a gay man to find other people to be romantically involved in. I only know of a handful of gay guys in my class. Luckily, online dating is a thing now, so use it to your advantage, especially if you end up in a big city. Take some time to seriously fill out your profile and answer questions honestly.

Gay men use OKCupid? I'm more of a Jackd/Grindr type of guy - but maybe that's why I'm still single... #foreversingle

In any case, this is also great advice. I should try to become better at online dating!

 

[Doctor Strange]

Gay men use OKCupid? I'm more of a Jackd/Grindr type of guy - but maybe that's why I'm still single... #foreversingle

In any case, this is also great advice. I should try to become better at online dating!

I tried the Tinder/you-name-it-hook-up-apps for a bit and didn't really like it. The dates I went on were nice (hello free dinner and drinks), but there wasn't much substance there. I found that I got more quality matches on sites where you have to put actual effort into constructing your profile. If you're taking the time to answer hundreds of questions and write out paragraphs on your profile, you're more likely going to find someone that you are attracted to and also have a meaningful conversation with. Just be honest with yourself and who you are.

 

[kewlboy88]

I tried the Tinder/you-name-it-hook-up-apps for a bit and didn't really like it. The dates I went on were nice (hello free dinner and drinks), but there wasn't much substance there. I found that I got more quality matches on sites where you have to put actual effort into constructing your profile. If you're taking the time to answer hundreds of questions and write out paragraphs on your profile, you're more likely going to find someone that you are attracted to and also have a meaningful conversation with. Just be honest with yourself and who you are.

I'll give it a try since the "hook up" apps are obviously not working. Thanks, Doctor Strange!

 

[Doctor Strange]

I'll give it a try since the "hook up" apps are obviously not working. Thanks, Doctor Strange!

Lol sorry, didn't mean anything by the "hook up" comment. I definitely know people that are in long term relationships with people they've met on Tinder and such.