Girlfriend won't follow me to medical school

[Podicus]

Hello everyone, I'm really needing some insight and second opinions on this manner.

Being a physician has always been a life dream of mine that I have been chasing. When my girlfriend and I first began dating two years ago we had many conversations about what I wanted to do with my future. We spoke multiple times about the demands of dating a physician and the possibilities of me moving out of state for school especially since the schools in my state are highly competitive. She assured me on many occasions that she understood what she was getting into and that if the need came she would move with me because she loves me.

Fast forward to now, my route has changed a bit as I switched from md do schools and have been accepted to a few podiatry schools two of which are temple university and Des moines university. im unsure if I want to attend temple because of the cost of living. I'm also really not a city person as I've come from a rural area myself and quite frankly, the city sort of scares me. At this time I was planning on proposing to her prior to going to school and figured no matter what she would come with me as discussed. ( we both don't believe in living together before marriage.)

Here is the problem, when I was accepted to both programs she told me she would only move with me to temple or a place where she can get a job. The job has to specifically be in fashion because she refuses to work in anything else other than the type of job she currently has (which she hates her current job.) which really limits where I can go to only expensive cities. Furthermore she also said that she will not have a long distance relationship as she doesn't think they will work out. So in other words my choice is limited to temple.

I feel shocked and confused and I truly do not want to go to a big city if I have the choice as I feel I will be stressed not mention the crazy cost of appartments, food, gas, etc in a philly. Is it wrong that I feel she is being very selfish in this as I feel this move is very temporary in the grand scheme of things?

I just don't know what to do any help would be great.

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[deleted480308]

She's selfish because she wants you to choose a totally viable option that allows her to have a career?

 

[Podicus]

She's selfish because she wants you to choose a totally viable option that allows her to have a career?

No I feel that it is selfish to not have any sort of compromise at all. It's either I go where she wants or it won't work out regardless of how comfortable I feel or if I can whether I can even afford to live there.

 

[WildZoo]

These are the kinds of decisions you have to make as a couple, and you have to be willing to compromise on them. You have an option staring right at you that would work out - you get to go to school, she gets to have a career, and you don't have to do long distance. So you have to weigh your aversion to living in a city against the fact that she won't be able to continue her career if you go somewhere rural.

Yeah, it sucks that she changed her mind about going with you wherever you decided to go to school, but that wasn't a very practical statement to make in the first place. She has to consider what would be feasible for her career too, and she's not going to be able to work in the fashion industry in a rural area.

Long term, you probably need to really think about that kind of geographic dissonance. It seems like you will always want to be in a rural area, and she will always need to be in an urban area for her career. That is not a situation where temporary long distance would work out, because you are looking to live in completely different settings. Would you be willing to move to a city after med school and training? Because if not, you are basically asking her to sacrifice her career for your preferences.

 

[fancymylotus]

Hello everyone, I'm really needing some insight and second opinions on this manner.

Being a physician has always been a life dream of mine that I have been chasing. When my girlfriend and I first began dating two years ago we had many conversations about what I wanted to do with my future. We spoke multiple times about the demands of dating a physician and the possibilities of me moving out of state for school especially since the schools in my state are highly competitive. She assured me on many occasions that she understood what she was getting into and that if the need came she would move with me because she loves me.

Fast forward to now, my route has changed a bit as I switched from md do schools and have been accepted to a few podiatry schools two of which are temple university and Des moines university. im unsure if I want to attend temple because of the cost of living. I'm also really not a city person as I've come from a rural area myself and quite frankly, the city sort of scares me. At this time I was planning on proposing to her prior to going to school and figured no matter what she would come with me as discussed. ( we both don't believe in living together before marriage.)

Here is the problem, when I was accepted to both programs she told me she would only move with me to temple or a place where she can get a job. The job has to specifically be in fashion because she refuses to work in anything else other than the type of job she currently has (which she hates her current job.) which really limits where I can go to only expensive cities. Furthermore she also said that she will not have a long distance relationship as she doesn't think they will work out. So in other words my choice is limited to temple.

I feel shocked and confused and I truly do not want to go to a big city if I have the choice as I feel I will be stressed not mention the crazy cost of appartments, food, gas, etc in a philly. Is it wrong that I feel she is being very selfish in this as I feel this move is very temporary in the grand scheme of things?

I just don't know what to do any help would be great.

I think shes being selfish especially given the fact that you had open dialogue about this in the past.

However, if shes in the fashion industry, I can understand that finding a job may be easier for her in a larger city like Philly. Not sure of her exact job situation or flexibility, but there is that to consider as well..

 

[Podicus]

Furthermore it scares me when thinking of the future. How do I know I won't be able to attend certain residencies in different states that may not work for her either. I don't know, I suppose it's just her sud

These are the kinds of decisions you have to make as a couple, and you have to be willing to compromise on them. You have an option staring right at you that would work out - you get to go to school, she gets to have a career, and you don't have to do long distance. So you have to weigh your aversion to living in a city against the fact that she won't be able to continue her career if you go somewhere rural.

Yeah, it sucks that she changed her mind about going with you wherever you decided to go to school, but that wasn't a very practical statement to make in the first place. She has to consider what would be feasible for her career too, and she's not going to be able to work in the fashion industry in a rural area.

Long term, you probably need to really think about that kind of geographic dissonance. It seems like you will always want to be in a rural area, and she will always need to be in an urban area for her career. That is not a situation where temporary long distance would work out, because you are looking to live in completely different settings. Would you be willing to move to a city after med school and training? Because if not, you are basically asking her to sacrifice her career for your preferences.

You make a very good point and something I really should talk with her about because another fear of mine is her then limiting my residency choices as well. I suppose that the reason I was sort of picking for me was because she had told me that she wanted to be a stay at home mom some day when we have kidS. And so to me, I figured where we went to school would then not matter much in the grand picture. You are very rite though I do feel that we differ a lot on The settings we see ourselves living in.

 

[Podicus]

I think shes being selfish especially given the fact that you had open dialogue about this in the past.

However, if shes in the fashion industry, I can understand that finding a job may be easier for her in a larger city like Philly. Not sure of her exact job situation or flexibility, but there is that to consider as well..

Currently she is working as an assistant in a major company headquarters and she hates how she is being treated. What sort of bothers me is that with her degree she could work at a management level in retail making far more money than she is now for the four years of school until I move for residency, but she refuses to because understandably retail is terrible to work in.

 

[Podicus]

One of the other things that I am struggling with as well is that if I do choose Temple, it will always be in the back of my mind that she would have left me had I not gone there. It's making me question her support for me as well as if she will support me when I choose the best residency for me etc.

 

[fancymylotus]

Long distance is not easy, nor is it fun all the time, but it is definitely doable. You guys could do long distance initially while she interviews and tries to find a job near you, while still working wherever she is now.

 

[Podicus]

Long distance is not easy, nor is it fun all the time, but it is definitely doable. You guys could do long distance initially while she interviews and tries to find a job near you, while still working wherever she is now.

Well that's sort of where the problem is, she refuses to even try to move out there as she says there just isn't anything out there at all. When we argued yesterday she said she would be willing to have a long distance relationship for the four years im in med school. The problem here though is if I go to a residency I don't know if she'll even move for that. Also, she said so herself multiple times that she doesn't feel a long distance relationship would work.

 

[fancymylotus]

Well that's sort of where the problem is, she refuses to even try to move out there as she says there just isn't anything out there at all. When we argued yesterday she said she would be willing to have a long distance relationship for the four years im in med school. The problem here though is if I go to a residency I don't know if she'll even move for that. Also, she said so herself multiple times that she doesn't feel a long distance relationship would work.

these are warning signs, at least in my opinion. if I was in that position, I would agree to a LDR while I continued to work in my original location and actively try to find jobs in or near my SOs location. and who knows where youre going to match for residency? it could be a huge city.

 

[WildZoo]

There is going to have to be a compromise made in one direction or the other. Either you're going to have to deal with living in a city, or she's going to have to deal with the long distance until she can find a job where you are, or until you are done with school, or whatever. I really don't think either option is more right than the other, that is something you two will have to figure out if you are going to stay together.

 

[Podicus]

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your thoughts and insight. I appreciate it and it was much needed.

 

[howbaddoyouwantit]

gf and i just broke up, very mutual agreement. We dated for 4 years, both of us are very career driven people, we realized that our relationship could jeopardize our careers and dreams we have had. Wasn't easy but it sure does make sense, if its meant to be it will happen. I start med school in august! WOOOOO

 

[----------12c]

Dump that girl. Find a better one in med school. Go were you feel the most comfortable.

 

[j4pac]

gf and i just broke up, very mutual agreement. We dated for 4 years, both of us are very career driven people, we realized that our relationship could jeopardize our careers and dreams we have had. Wasn't easy but it sure does make sense, if its meant to be it will happen. I start med school in august! WOOOOO

you made the right decision. It would have failed.

 

[jakeislove]

You made the right decision.

Find someone outside of medicine, though. We're not that interesting.

 

[Dr.Jekyll75]

Cut and run bro, not worth it

 

[1nnocuous]

Obviously she didn't even bother to do her research, or she would have seen that Des Moines has a thriving fashion scene.

But seriously, I don't know about fashion, but Des Moines was voted #1 city for young professionals by Forbes in 2014. It's not a completely horrible place.

Though it sounds like you two don't have the communication skills honed to marriage level yet.

 

[fancymylotus]

Obviously she didn't even bother to do her research, or she would have seen that Des Moines has a thriving fashion scene.

But seriously, I don't know about fashion, but Des Moines was voted #1 city for young professionals by Forbes in 2014. It's not a completely horrible place.

Though it sounds like you two don't have the communication skills honed to marriage level yet.

Lol, @NilocDent there's hope for you yet!

 

[touchpause13]

gf and i just broke up, very mutual agreement. We dated for 4 years, both of us are very career driven people, we realized that our relationship could jeopardize our careers and dreams we have had. Wasn't easy but it sure does make sense, if its meant to be it will happen. I start med school in august! WOOOOO

See you next year boo boo

 

[Seth Joo]

She's selfish because she wants you to choose a totally viable option that allows her to have a career?

Not so, my former wife had a great job, she still has it, but it was in Boston, and I got into medical school near Phoenix, she wasn't so cool about me leaving my job to go to medical school. If I got into school in Boston, she would have been okay but not so angry about me leaving the workplace and not making money, but for her to leave her good job was too much. We actually remained married during my first year of school, but I lived in Arizona while she remained in Boston for her job, but then I was served with divorce papers on Christmas during my first year, such a nice present for her to give her husband. It was relatively painless since we did not own a home, had no kids and such. I still found it insulting that she decided to serve me with the papers on Christmas.

Its a tough thing when you bring a spouse with you to medical school, especially when they have their own life goals and aspirations.

I found a new woman who is more my type, and life is good again, I looked at my ex wife's facebook page, I noticed she put on some weight, LOL.

I would concur with Jake, find someone who works outside of Medicine, who does something different.

 

[jakeislove]

@Seth Joo

I'm glad you found someone compatible.

Jake

 

[Podicus]

It's nice to be able to talk to other people that are going through what I am. I think it is difficult for people to realize that when you enter med school, a foundation for the next 4-8 years is in place. There is Not a lot of people that can say that. We both decided to try things out, she said she would see if she could find a job in Iowa but a part of me feels like this is just a front. Only time will tell though. I'm sure when I'm in school I won't have time to deal with things and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

 

[Seth Joo]

@Seth Joo

I'm glad you found someone compatible.

Jake

It felt great to see my wife's Facebook profile photos over the years only to notice that she has put on some weight and is not the beauty queen she used to be, I guess I do not feel the same sense of loss.

Her new boyfriend is balding and fat with a beer belly too.

 

[touchpause13]

It felt great to see my wife's Facebook profile photos over the years only to notice that she has put on some weight and is not the beauty queen she used to be, I guess I do not feel the same sense of loss.

Her new boyfriend is balding and fat with a beer belly too.

My ex got fatter too.

The best revenge for me is seeing she still has my tattoo. I'm such a bitch.

 

[Seth Joo]

My ex got fatter too.

The best revenge for me is seeing she still has my tattoo. I'm such a bitch.

She used to be a marathon runner, a total narcissist, she drove an Audi A3 hatchback, always watched what she ate, also she is a Libra, Libra women tend to be beauty Queens, they tend to obsessed with their looks, so it was rather interesting to see her pack on some pounds.

 

[jakeislove]

It felt great to see my wife's Facebook profile photos over the years only to notice that she has put on some weight and is not the beauty queen she used to be, I guess I do not feel the same sense of loss.

Her new boyfriend is balding and fat with a beer belly too.

Forgive and move on. All that BS will weigh down your soul and ruin the chances of success in the new relationship.