- Joined
- Sep 6, 2014
- Messages
- 170
- Reaction score
- 153
Okay, I'm posting this in a public forum because I see that I need an intervention. I also find that writing/sharing is the easiest way for me to work through the reasons behind my anxieties. I need you guys to shame me for my behavior. The stupidity of my actions/thought process is so obvious even to myself, but I seem to have lost the ability to control it. You will get annoyed reading this, and that's precisely my intent. I am in dire need of a good, old-fashioned reality check.
I've been having issues accepting grades that are less than 100% this semester. I think it stems from the fact that I know these are going to be the easiest classes I will have to take in my journey to becoming a doctor. This is going to be the easiest semester I will have in the next ten years, in fact. Yeah, I work full time, but I'm only taking two express classes (Statistics and Humanities) right now. So why the eff can't I get a 100% on every little exam and quiz I'm taking!
I mean, I may not be devoting every waking moment on studying, but I'm certainly putting more time in it than I ever did years ago, so what's the problem? I check every answer twice, I take notes (sometimes), I pre-read chapters (sometimes) -- these are things I never did back in the day, yet I consistently made decent Bs. How am I not getting perfect scores all the time when I'm actually putting some effort in? (Oh god, just typing this makes me realize exactly how dumb and arrogant my reasoning sounds, ugh!)
I have this gnawing fear that if I don't get perfect scores on these easy-peasy classes, then I have no business even thinking of medical school. I'm driving my boyfriend (the only person who knows I'm pursuing this path) and myself with my.. I don't know.. is this insecurity? Perfectionism?
I have never been a grade grubber. I hated those kids in college, and I feel incredibly embarrassed that I've become one of them. I hate that I'm suddenly not content with getting 90s. I would've been extremely happy with - even proud of - those scores in nursing school. Now they look like blemishes on my grade report, and I hate them with a passion.
I know I have to find a way to be okay with not getting everything right/not being able to please every professor. It simply isn't possible. Now if only I can translate that knowledge to some inner peace, I think I'll be okay. Thank you in advance for your much-needed patience and bashing. :x
I've been having issues accepting grades that are less than 100% this semester. I think it stems from the fact that I know these are going to be the easiest classes I will have to take in my journey to becoming a doctor. This is going to be the easiest semester I will have in the next ten years, in fact. Yeah, I work full time, but I'm only taking two express classes (Statistics and Humanities) right now. So why the eff can't I get a 100% on every little exam and quiz I'm taking!
I mean, I may not be devoting every waking moment on studying, but I'm certainly putting more time in it than I ever did years ago, so what's the problem? I check every answer twice, I take notes (sometimes), I pre-read chapters (sometimes) -- these are things I never did back in the day, yet I consistently made decent Bs. How am I not getting perfect scores all the time when I'm actually putting some effort in? (Oh god, just typing this makes me realize exactly how dumb and arrogant my reasoning sounds, ugh!)
I have this gnawing fear that if I don't get perfect scores on these easy-peasy classes, then I have no business even thinking of medical school. I'm driving my boyfriend (the only person who knows I'm pursuing this path) and myself with my.. I don't know.. is this insecurity? Perfectionism?
I have never been a grade grubber. I hated those kids in college, and I feel incredibly embarrassed that I've become one of them. I hate that I'm suddenly not content with getting 90s. I would've been extremely happy with - even proud of - those scores in nursing school. Now they look like blemishes on my grade report, and I hate them with a passion.
I know I have to find a way to be okay with not getting everything right/not being able to please every professor. It simply isn't possible. Now if only I can translate that knowledge to some inner peace, I think I'll be okay. Thank you in advance for your much-needed patience and bashing. :x