Herpes

[Doc317]

Ok so I need some other people's advice. I've been dating a non-medical person for the past 3 months and just found out they have herpes. They didn't tell me but me being a curious person looked into their medicine cabinet and saw acyclovir. I confronted him about him and he admitted to it. We had a huge fight about it because we've been having unprotected sex and he never told me. His doctor told him he couldn't spread it if he hasn't in an outbreak. He of course didn't know all the risks and implications related to herpes because he's not in the medical field. So it totally sucks for me. My problem is that I'm completely in love with this person. It's only been 3 months but I know he's the one for me. We'd previously talked already about being together forever and marriage and everything. So now I don't know what to do. I love him but it sucks that he has herpes. Now of course I'm going to have safe sex but if I want to be with him forever then I'm going to eventually get it. Please help... What do you guys think? What would you do?

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[tinkerbelle]

Um, he's a complete ass for not telling you and for exposing you by having unprotected sex. It sucks that you've fallen for him. I don't know if I could ever trust (or marry) someone who endangered my health like that. You need to think about your relationship and figure out if you really, really love this guy... and whether he really loves you. I know people who have herpes. Some have no problems, and others suffer A LOT. I personally would move on and find someone else. At any rate, good luck

 

[Clair de Lune]

I'm going to be brutally honest here...please keep in mind that I am a total stranger and am only going on the info you told us. If it were me, I'd get out of this situation ASAP. I have 2 main reasons for giving you this advice:

-first and foremost, he has exposed you to a chronic and non-curable communicable disease without even bothering to warn you first--this to me is a RED FLAG! Love is about being open and truthful with eachother, for him to hide something this major, especially because it could have a huge iimpact on your life and health, is not a good omen. You have to wonder...what else is he hiding from you???
-New love can be exciting, but to me talking seriously about the prospect of marriage within the first 3 months of meeting someone is another RED FLAG. You have to ask yourself what the rush is and wonder if he really takes marriage that seriously if he's already talking about it without knowing you very long.

Again, sorry to be Miss Doomsday here, but I read your post and really felt like I should say something. I hope everything works out for you, but I think you need to seriously re-evaluate this situation and put your safety first and foremost when making a decision whether to stay in this relationship or not. At the risk of sounding cliche--there are a lot of fish in the sea, and you deserve someone who is going to be honest with you and who deserves your trust.

 

[beanbean]

I hate to bring this up but you really need to get checked for other STDs. If he has herpes, he could have any number of other STDs, including HIV. For your health and possible future fertility you need to be tested and so does he if he hasn't already.

I would have very serious doubts about being able to continue a relationship with someone who lied to me about an issue as serious as this. He needs to learn to take responsibility for his disease and inform his partner of his condition before becoming intimate.

You certainly have a great deal to think about. I understand how special this guy may be to you, but if he lied to you about this there is a good chance he will lie about other stuff. You have only invested 3 mos in the relationship and I would strongly consider putting things on hold until the trust issue is resolved. If the two of you are serious enough to consider marriage then perhaps some couples counseling would be helpful.

 

[CoffeeMug]

We had a huge fight about it because we've been having unprotected sex and he never told me.

This behavior has consistently been equated to purposely infecting someone in various courts of law. It isn't only illegal, it is a *crime*. People go to *jail* for this ****.

He of course didn't know all the risks and implications related to herpes because he's not in the medical field.

Because medical students are clearly superior to all other human beings and people outside of medical profession are utterly incapable of logic, critical thinking, situation assessment, researching unfamiliar aspects, and making appropriate conclusions.

 

[samenewme]

...His doctor told him he couldn't spread it if he hasn't in an outbreak. He of course didn't know all the risks and implications related to herpes because he's not in the medical field.

I just don't believe he didn't know, that no one handed him a pamphlet explaining the risks, that he never saw it on television or read about it in the newspaper, that even if his doctor is a total ***** and told him he can't spread it except during an outbreak, he legitimately thought you wouldn't need to know. If he loved you, he would have told you he had herpes but his doctor says it's not contagious if controlled. I'd have disagreed with his assessment of the risk, but that would have been the honest thing to do.

That he didn't do this is a big, big, big red flag. There's not only ONE "the one" in the universe, and you deserve someone whose first thought is of keeping you safe, not of relief that he doesn't have to tell you.

Honey, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I think you should drop him like a hot rock.

 

[docmartin]

What's the difference between herpes and true love?

Herpes lasts forever....

Enough said.

 

[Doc317]

I thank you all for your advice but it's just not that easy. I am in love with this person. Yes I realize he lied to me and it was a big lie but I can honestly say that I trust him still. We've talked about it a lot and he really is a great guy and besides this instance he's not one to lie or keep anything from me. I don't know who asked but yes he's been tested for everything else also and he's fine. It just doesn't seem fair that I should have to break up with him just because he has herpes. And whom ever said that 3 months is too fast to think about marriage I disagree. I'm not saying that we were going to rush out next week and get married, we'd just talked about it someday in the future (years to come). When you meet the person you want to be with forever - you just know. We match perfectly. So yes I agree that he was completely wrong for holding that he had herpes from me. But to give him a little bit of credit too, he had just found out himself a few months before we started dating and has never had to tell someone about it so he didn't know how to address it. I'm not saying that is an excuse whatsoever but it plays more into his side of the story. Ok enough of me trying to stick up for our relationship but I do love him. If any of you are married or madly in love with someone - think about how you felt about that person in the first couple months of the relationship when you were head over heals and ask yourself what you would do. Any more thoughts?

 

[Toofscum]

So how do you feel about the fact that you likely have herpes now?

What will you do if things don't work out and now you're stuck with them for life and have to tell a new partner about it?

And why would anyone have unprotected sex in this day and age without getting your partner tested for every STD? I'd had every single partner of mine tested for every STD--and then we still used condoms, just for extra piece of mind.

 

[primadonna22274]

Well, listen: herpes sucks but as I tell all my patients, nobody ever died of herpes (nobody I know of anyway).
Here's a great link to a herpes clinic in Portland run by a husband-wife team--one of the best sites I've seen.

http://www.westoverheights.com/contact.html

Of course you're upset. But when you get over being upset, get the facts and decide whether herpes is enough to break you up.

Best wishes,

Lisa PA-C

So how do you feel about the fact that you likely have herpes now?

What will you do if things don't work out and now you're stuck with them for life and have to tell a new partner about it?

And why would anyone have unprotected sex in this day and age without getting your partner tested for every STD? I'd had every single partner of mine tested for every STD--and then we still used condoms, just for extra piece of mind.

 

[soleil]

wow, I think all of you giving advice are being very naiive. And you are going into the medical profession...I'm a little disappointed. 1 in 5 people have herpes. Yes, he didn't tell you, but I'm sure it's not the easiest thing to tell someone you really want a chance with. All of the people telling you to "drop" seem to see this situaion as "black and white", which it's not. Figure out if you can trust him, talk about why he didn't tell you, COMMUNICATE if you really think he is worth hanging on to. Just because is a "1 in 5" who has herpes and was scared to tell you doesn't rule his out as a potential partner.

and fyi...people acutally do have sex without having their partner tested. Of course it's the best way to go, but don't be so naiive to dismiss the fact that *most* people probably don't.

 

[ToothCandy4U]

It seems like you already made up your mind, Doc317.
So, why are you asking for more opinions?

Love is blind. Ask yourself what you look for in a relationship.

 

[sacrament]

wow, I think all of you giving advice are being very naiive. And you are going into the medical profession...I'm a little disappointed. 1 in 5 people have herpes.

Looking at the entire sexually-active adult population base of the United States, some studies put the figure at about 25% and climbing. Patients find this difficult to believe, but keep in mind that only a minority of carriers will ever manifest any symptoms (which, of course, is why the prevalance is about 25% and climbing). Furthermore, to "get tested" for herpes is a very iffy proposition unless you have active genital lesions to scrape, as a positive serology doesn't differentiate between oral and genital infection (and HSV-2 is increasingly being implicated in oral lesions... and HSV-1 is increasingly implicated in genital lesions...) In other words, testing without lesions tells you nothing unless both HSV-1 and HSV-2 are negative. (But guess how many adult people are HSV-1 positive in the U.S.? A vast majority. Some studies say ~90%. So getting that double-negative isn't something to ever count on.) Any person reading this who has had sex with another non-virgin human being, regardless of how much testing that person has had, has at least a modest risk of carrying genital herpes. That's how it is. Herpes is one of the most misunderstood diseases that your patients will experience. So to be sanctimonious about the fact that this guy carries the virus is sort of ridiculous. But the fact that he didn't tell you is still a pretty sh1tty move.

 

[corpsmanUP]

One of my best friends has been married to his wife for 9 years and still does not have herpes, although she does. They have simply avoided sex during outbreaks, which if you take supression therapy, are almost eliminated. I know there are studies that back up transmitting herpes without active lesions, but I think honestly the chances are remote if you are educated about it. You would also be a perfect candidate for the vaccines in clinical trials since your partner is positive and you are negative. I tend to believe that he was under the impression that he would not transmit it to you if he did not have active lesions. That is the largest school of thought among the lay public. If you love this guy, screw what everyone else is telling you and just deal with this small issue. If herpes is the worst thing you are ever exposed to consider yourself lucky! I suppose you could have a guy with a completely lesion free penis, who has no personality and who you marry strictly for his clean penis!!

 

[Nimmuk]

I have a VERY close friend who went through the same scenerio that you are going through. She is also a medical school student. They however, dated for a year. After a year they decided to have sex; she then had an outbreak. He did not know he had Herpes until she took him for testing.

They have been happily married for about 2 yrs know. SHe said HE was the best thing that ever happen to her, despite loosing her virginity and getting infected the first time she had sex. She has had only 2 outbrakes.

This couple is my role model marriage, even though they are both very young. They completely love each other, and thus, live a happily marriage life.

I would suggest to evaluate your relationship. I you still think is worth it, go for it.

 

[beanbean]

Being in a relationship or married to someone with herpes is not the problem here...the problem is his dishonesty. To me, and this may be old-fashioned, if you are ready to become sexually intimate with someone, then you should feel comfortable discussing sex and all of its complications honestly. Everyone makes mistakes and although his secrecy is a big red flag, only you can decide if he really is an honest and good person who has your best interest at heart.

Take things slow. If he really is a prince and the love is real, it will only grow stronger in time. Just set some boundaries and if he lies again...leave and don't look back.

Btw, you still need to get tested for STDs to be on the safe side. Although as Sacrament mentioned, tests aren't perfect, it is still important.

 

[corpsmanUP]

Being in a relationship or married to someone with herpes is not the problem here...the problem is his dishonesty. To me, and this may be old-fashioned, if you are ready to become sexually intimate with someone, then you should feel comfortable discussing sex and all of its complications honestly. Everyone makes mistakes and although his secrecy is a big red flag, only you can decide if he really is an honest and good person who has your best interest at heart.

Take things slow. If he really is a prince and the love is real, it will only grow stronger in time. Just set some boundaries and if he lies again...leave and don't look back.

Btw, you still need to get tested for STDs to be on the safe side. Although as Sacrament mentioned, tests aren't perfect, it is still important.

The problem is only about honesty if you are certain you were deceived. This case has 2 main facts which point away from obvious deception. The guy in this case stated this his physician told him that he would not pass the disease if he had no active lesions. The next most important fact is that if this guy wanted to try so hard to hide this disease, he would not have left the acyclovir in a medicine cabinet that he knows a "physician in training" is likely to go into eventually. It sounds to me like he was willing to discuss the issue and that perhaps the leaving out the medicine was his way of bringing it to light eventually. I hate to tell you guys this, but if you are naive enough to believe that all physicians educate their patients correctly about herpes, then you are pretty darn juvenile.

 

[aliendroid]

dump him

 

[yunan]

i just have a general question about the topic.

what if someone's had shingles (herpes zoster)? is it completely different from genital or oral herpes and that there's no worry about having unprotected sex?

 

[thirdunity]

I'm with the crowd on this one... the problem isn't his herpes. Lots of people have herpes and have happy marriages... ho-hum.

The problem is his dishonesty. Your whole relationship got started on a note of dishonesty. And if he could lie about *this*, what else could he lie about? If he can go into a new relationship basing it on a lie or omission (the herpes), then what is your relationship based upon? How can you trust him ever to tell the truth? Liars generally don't lie about *one* thing.

A lie of omission is still a lie.

-- ThirdUnity, who just dumped a liar, and is filing for divorce.

 

[Weil-Felix]

i just have a general question about the topic.

what if someone's had shingles (herpes zoster)? is it completely different from genital or oral herpes and that there's no worry about having unprotected sex?

Yes, it is completely different. Herpes zoster is caused by the same virus that causes chicken pox (varicella zoster virus). Shingles is a reactivation of that virus after it has been latent in the body, usually several years later. It is generally self limited.

 

[aubieRx]

that was awfully rotten of him.

I would have nothing to do with someone like that. Absolutely nothing.


there are lots of people out there who aren't infected with herpes so find one of them. they might even have be more polite and caring about your health

 

[theprizefighter]

Hi, All

This thread has been very eye opening. People do such cruel things to each other. I guess you really can't trust anyone, even (or maybe especially?) the person you go to bed with.

 

[heech]

If you reverse the situation for a second, and put yourself in the shoes of the guy in question... is it really easy to tell a girl that you have herpes? Especially if you really were told (or perhaps, misunderstood) by your doctor that you weren't at risk to transmit unless you had an outbreak?

When do you do it?

- on the first date? "Hi, so glad we could do this. By the way, I have herpes."

- as things get serious, but before you have sex? "So... I think its time I told you that I have an incurable STD. Here, take a pamphlet." Any of my girlfriends woulda thought that a little *presumptious*.

- after you've had sex? "That was *so* incredible. By the way, I have herpes."

Any of those times might be proper or appropriate, but I wouldn't blame anyone that in a moment of weakness (and 3 months is absolutely "a moment" in an emotional sense) decided to leave that particular skeleton in the closet. It's taken me many more months, if not years, to come clean to my gf with all of my skeletons. If this particular act came from a man who persistently lied out of self-interest, and/or relied on manipulation to get his way... then obviously, its time to get out.

But if its a single act of relationship cowardice, even if it *is* about herpes... I personally would absolutely forgive.

 

[BTB]

can't you still contract herpes from someone who's between outbreaks?

 

[aubieRx]

can't you still contract herpes from someone who's between outbreaks?

thats what i heard.

I think that people with something like herpes should feel obligated to tell because you cannot just hand your past mistakes onto unknowing victims for your own selfishness.

I am astounded about the story of the girl who caught herpes from some guy and then married him!But we all have our own reactions to things. my reaction would be quite different than that.

 

[jenni82]

Ok so I need some other people's advice. I've been dating a non-medical person for the past 3 months and just found out they have herpes. They didn't tell me but me being a curious person looked into their medicine cabinet and saw acyclovir. I confronted him about him and he admitted to it. We had a huge fight about it because we've been having unprotected sex and he never told me. His doctor told him he couldn't spread it if he hasn't in an outbreak. He of course didn't know all the risks and implications related to herpes because he's not in the medical field. So it totally sucks for me. My problem is that I'm completely in love with this person. It's only been 3 months but I know he's the one for me. We'd previously talked already about being together forever and marriage and everything. So now I don't know what to do. I love him but it sucks that he has herpes. Now of course I'm going to have safe sex but if I want to be with him forever then I'm going to eventually get it. Please help... What do you guys think? What would you do?

for one thing if you are thinking condoms, they do not effectively protect you against herpes, since the sores which sometimes you may not even be able to see can be on areas of skin around the genital areas that may not be covered by the condom and these areas are bound to touch you, then you can still catch the virus, have you actually researched this to find out the effect of having herpes, and have you gotten a blood test done to find out if you are already carrying the herpes virus and just haven't had any noticeable outbreaks yet? this is not something that you can just wash off or for that matter ignore, my best friend has herpes and there are days when she is in so much pain because the sores are on her vagina and her butt and her inner thighs almost all the way down to her knees, that she can barely even walk, also she has had sores in her urethra that were so bad she couldn't even pee without screaming in pain, so i would get a test done to see if you have this and then possibly rethink the relationship, if he really loved you, then he would have told you about this, and let you decide if you wanted to deal with the pain

 

[EM Junkie]

... as I tell all my patients, nobody ever died of herpes (nobody I know of anyway).

How about immunocompromised patients and neonates? They can develop a rapidly fatal herpes encephalitis. Just because nobody you know died of HSV doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Maybe you should learn more about the disease before offering blanket reasurrances to your patients.

Scott, MS4

 

[fourthyearmed]

What you need to ask yourself is what would you have done if you had been the one with herpes. I don't think you can stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way as you do about the other person's safety and health. If you absolutely would have told him before sleeping with him, you have your answer as to what to do. If you would have kept it from him, maybe you two can make it work.

 

[jenni82]

How about immunocompromised patients and neonates? They can develop a rapidly fatal herpes encephalitis. Just because nobody you know died of HSV doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Maybe you should learn more about the disease before offering blanket reasurrances to your patients.

Scott, MS4

yes that is true as well, you can actually pass herpes to your child during a vaginal childbirth, or the child can be born blind or dead, so if you are considering having kids in the future, just another thing to think about since you can have clinical sheddings-(when you can see the sores) and non-clinical sheddings-(you can't see the sores but the viruses are just waiting to find another host)you most likely would have to undergo a cesarean i am not saying you should break up with him, but personally i have been in quite a few relationships that i thought were "forever" and i know that you don't want to hear it, but it is just that whole "new love" thing going on, when we first meet people we are so busy trying to impress them and vice versa, that we really end up not knowing much about that person and this is obviously true in your case, since you didn't know the boy had an incurable disease that he was not worried about giving to you and you might want to inform him that in almost every state he could actually go to jail for not disclosing to you that he had this before you guys had sex.

 

[rgerwin]

Can I make one small point that seems to have been missed? Yes, he is either a supreme idiot for not realizing the risks, or an immature **** for lying about it, however, why were you having unprotected sex? Especially as a medical student, who as you imply, is more aware of the risks? If you get out of this relationship, that's something to remember to take with you into the future.

 

[raspberry swirl]

Can I make one small point that seems to have been missed? Yes, he is either a supreme idiot for not realizing the risks, or an immature **** for lying about it, however, why were you having unprotected sex? Especially as a medical student, who as you imply, is more aware of the risks? If you get out of this relationship, that's something to remember to take with you into the future.

i agree. there are a lot of other issues in this scenario. while the fact he didn't tell you he had herpes is a huge deal, i agree with rgerwin, and wonder why you were having unprotected sex in a 3 mo old relationship? unprotected sex should only come after having conversations about prior relationships, past sexual history, risks, etc., THAT is why i have a problem with this whole thing. i understand that if you were having protected sex, that the subject of his herpes may not have come up. but if you made the step to unprotected sex, IT MOST CERTAINLY SHOULD HAVE. regardless of what his doctor told him, or the uncomfortableness of the subject.

my second concern is how you are madly in love and know he is the right one for you after only 3 months. i know it seems like its the real deal, but im sure every single person on here could say they once felt the same way, and got totally burned. if i were you, i'd cool it for awhile. if, in a year or so, neither of you are seeing anyone, and are both still interested in each other, i'd say get back together and go for it.

get tested for all STDs. you have no idea if he really did get tested or not, as much as you'd like to believe that he did.

 

[kykarly]

[ Love is about being open and truthful with eachother,

My question has to do with the open and truthful aspect of a relationship. If you are engaged to someone, you help him out financially way more than what you should have, and he leaves to go to med school and introduces himself as a single father, and does not care if you go to his white coat ceremony because he has others planning to attend. Does anybody here think I would be overreacting by thinking it is time for me to hit the highway?

 

[toofache32]

Um, he's a complete ass for not telling you and for exposing you by having unprotected sex.

It takes two to tango. You're the one who spread your legs here so you have part of the blame because you took the risk with unprotected sex. The fact that he knew it doesn't make it any more his fault (even though he has equal blame)...many people don't even know they have herpes.

 

[toofache32]

The problem is his dishonesty. Your whole relationship got started on a note of dishonesty. And if he could lie about *this*, what else could he lie about? If he can go into a new relationship basing it on a lie or omission (the herpes), then what is your relationship based upon? How can you trust him ever to tell the truth? Liars generally don't lie about *one* thing.

A lie of omission is still a lie.

You've gotta be a female....rattling off about his dishonesty while completely ignoring the fact that she snooped through his medicine cabinet.

 

[MoosePilot]

You've gotta be a female....rattling off about his dishonesty while completely ignoring the fact that she snooped through his medicine cabinet.

She looked through the medicine cabinet of a man she'd been sleeping with. Oh, the horror.

 

[toofache32]

He of course didn't know all the risks and implications related to herpes because he's not in the medical field.

...we've been having unprotected sex...

So...you know all the risks and implications of having herpes, but you don't know the risks/implications of having unprotected sex?

 

[toofache32]

She looked through the medicine cabinet of a man she'd been sleeping with. Oh, the horror.

She was looking for some dirt or was somehow checking up on him. She went fishing and caught something. Curiosity killed the cat. I'm guessing that there is some other trust issue here that hasn't been brought up. I've been married 7 years and I've never bothered going through my wife's purse/cabinets, etc unless she asked me to look for something. It's partly because I don't care to know what's in there, but mostly because I trust her.

Or I could be wrong... maybe it's because some women are just so damn nosy.

 

[MoosePilot]

She was looking for some dirt or was somehow checking up on him. She went fishing and caught something. Curiosity killed the cat. I'm guessing that there is some other trust issue here that hasn't been brought up. I've been married 7 years and I've never bothered going through my wife's purse/cabinets, etc unless she asked me to look for something. It's partly because I don't care to know what's in there, but mostly because I trust her.

Or I could be wrong... maybe it's because some women are just so damn nosy.

I don't consider a spouse or lover's medicine cabinet off limits. What if she needed a band-aid? Given that it's a fairly public part of the house, who cares if she snooped?

 

[shivalrous]

It's really low to have sex with someone knowing that you could possibly infect them---and it's no fault of theirs either. That girl should dump him immediately.

 

[toofache32]

It's really low to have sex with someone knowing that you could possibly infect them---and it's no fault of theirs either. That girl should dump him immediately.

None of the fault is hers when she consented to having unprotected sex? That was her decision. You guys are making it sound like she had sex against her will.

This is a prime example of the risks of unprotected sex. I'm not saying he's not to blame, I just think this is sounding like another episode of Oprah where a bunch of females emotionally bond and say "yeah, you tell him sister!" or "you go girl!" while refusing to accept any part of the responsibility.

 

[CoffeeMug]

If a girl dresses like a prostitute, goes to a rave party, and takes drinks from strangers she shouldn't be surprised if she finds herself on the street next morning with a condom sticking out of her ass. In a sense it is "her own fault" because she made choices known to be risky to all reasonable people. That does not change the fact that rape is illegal and the rapist is the only one legally responsible for his actions.

Knowingly not telling your sexual partners that you have STDs is illegal. It is a crime in the U.S. and in most other civilized nations in the world. Not knowing about the law doesn't free him of responsibility either. Basically, he should be in jail.

 

[toofache32]

Knowingly not telling your sexual partners that you have STDs is illegal. It is a crime in the U.S. and in most other civilized nations in the world. Not knowing about the law doesn't free him of responsibility either. Basically, he should be in jail.

I agree with this in the legal sense. My only point is that she consented to this risky behavior and therefore shares the blame. It's like getting pulled over in your car by the cops while your buddy is carrying weed. He was the one with the weed, but you're the one who let him in your car.

 

[shivalrous]

None of the fault is hers when she consented to having unprotected sex? That was her decision. You guys are making it sound like she had sex against her will.

This is a prime example of the risks of unprotected sex. I'm not saying he's not to blame, I just think this is sounding like another episode of Oprah where a bunch of females emotionally bond and say "yeah, you tell him sister!" or "you go girl!" while refusing to accept any part of the responsibility.

I concede that she should partake in part of the blame. I guess this proves that before you get sexually involved...both partners better get tested and see each other's results.

 

[goft20]

Herpes sucks.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Necrobump much?

 

[NYCNative]

Great thread -- A++++ -- Thank you bumper!!!!

 

[studentp0x]

Didn't read most of this but statistically several people in this thread have genital herpes given that 1 in 4 women have it and 1 in 7 men have it. It isn't AS BIG of a deal as it's made out to be. Just putting some perspective out there...