Hospital Affair

[The spleen]

Hello all-

I am looking for advise. After 10 years of marriage, I have discovered that my husband is having an affair with a nurse at the hospital he is doing his fellowship at. She is a married nurse with kids. They are engaging in an intimate relationship at work during the day based on the messages I saw.

Needless to say I am devastated. I have been the primary income source throughout his entire medical career, and now that we are about to start a family his happens.

Well, I am thinking about telling his attendings and friends at the hospital about what he did.

Do you think the hospital would do anything about this if I did tell people, or am I just an angry wife looking for revenge?

Alone in the world...

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[mercaptovizadeh]

Hello all-

I am looking for advise. After 10 years of marriage, I have discovered that my husband is having an affair with a nurse at the hospital he is doing his fellowship at. She is a married nurse with kids. They are engaging in an intimate relationship at work during the day based on the messages I saw.

Needless to say I am devastated. I have been the primary income source throughout his entire medical career, and now that we are about to start a family his happens.

Well, I am thinking about telling his attendings and friends at the hospital about what he did.

Do you think the hospital would do anything about this if I did tell people, or am I just an angry wife looking for revenge?

Alone in the world...

That's a poor choice. I think you should confront him and ask for an explanation. Depending on what he says, you need to decide whether to forgive him (if he even repents, maybe he won't) or say goodbye.

I would not directly report anything to the hospital. To do so would turn you from the victim into the victimizer (at least in his mind it would), and would only make the broken relationship completely irreparable. Furthermore, it may have no repercussions on him professionally, since I don't believe adultery is a criminal offense for which a fellowship program would censure him.

 

[LadyFire]

That's a poor choice. I think you should confront him and ask for an explanation. Depending on what he says, you need to decide whether to forgive him (if he even repents, maybe he won't) or say goodbye.

I would not directly report anything to the hospital. To do so would turn you from the victim into the victimizer (at least in his mind it would), and would only make the broken relationship completely irreparable. Furthermore, it may have no repercussions on him professionally, since I don't believe adultery is a criminal offense for which a fellowship program would censure him.

I agree with this. Unless he was having the affair with a direct superior or subordinate, I can't imagine the hospital doing much in the way of punishing him. It would cast you in a poor light as being vindictive.

I can only imagine how angry and betrayed you must be feeling, but I think the best thing to do is confront your husband directly and go from there.

 

[fancymylotus]

Hello all-

I am looking for advise. After 10 years of marriage, I have discovered that my husband is having an affair with a nurse at the hospital he is doing his fellowship at. She is a married nurse with kids. They are engaging in an intimate relationship at work during the day based on the messages I saw.

Needless to say I am devastated. I have been the primary income source throughout his entire medical career, and now that we are about to start a family his happens.

Well, I am thinking about telling his attendings and friends at the hospital about what he did.

Do you think the hospital would do anything about this if I did tell people, or am I just an angry wife looking for revenge?

Alone in the world...

I wouldnt start broadcasting this to people in the hospital..just makes you look like a jilted wife out looking for revenge. As hard as it may be...I agree and think that you need to have this conversation directly with him. Dont air out your dirty laundry in public.

 

[thepoopologist]

Hello all-

I am looking for advise. After 10 years of marriage, I have discovered that my husband is having an affair with a nurse at the hospital he is doing his fellowship at. She is a married nurse with kids. They are engaging in an intimate relationship at work during the day based on the messages I saw.

Needless to say I am devastated. I have been the primary income source throughout his entire medical career, and now that we are about to start a family his happens.

Well, I am thinking about telling his attendings and friends at the hospital about what he did.

Do you think the hospital would do anything about this if I did tell people, or am I just an angry wife looking for revenge?

Alone in the world...

On the bright side, you haven't started a family with him, and can make a case for a lifetime of spousal support should you decide to leave him.

 

[KittySquared]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I wouldn't forgive him if I were you. Talk to him directly and then get divorce in the works. Agree with Fancy. Don't air your dirty laundry in the public. The best revenge is to start a life much better than his.

He can have flings all he wants, but at the end of the day, when **** in life gets overwhelming, he still wants to crawl back to his first love cause he wants comfort. This is when you hint to him that you're willing, and fall off the face of the planet when he really depends on you. Why yes, I am a vengeful *****.

 

[Apollyon]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I wouldn't forgive him if I were you. Talk to him directly and then get divorce in the works. Agree with Fancy. Don't air your dirty laundry in the public. The best revenge is to start a life much better than his.

He can have flings all he wants, but at the end of the day, when **** in life gets overwhelming, he still wants to crawl back to his first love cause he wants comfort. This is when you hint to him that you're willing, and fall off the face of the planet when he really depends on you. Why yes, I am a vengeful *****.

I would flip these around: get a lawyer ASAP, THEN talk to him. That's because he certainly will do the same thing, and start to circle the wagons.

You want to know that your gun is loaded before pulling the trigger.

And, once a cheater, always a cheater? There are random one-off people, but they are greatly outweighed by those that only stop because they got caught (and, then, only stop with the person on whom they're cheating).

 

[fancymylotus]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I wouldn't forgive him if I were you. Talk to him directly and then get divorce in the works. Agree with Fancy. Don't air your dirty laundry in the public. The best revenge is to start a life much better than his.

He can have flings all he wants, but at the end of the day, when **** in life gets overwhelming, he still wants to crawl back to his first love cause he wants comfort. This is when you hint to him that you're willing, and fall off the face of the planet when he really depends on you. Why yes, I am a vengeful *****.

 

[bigkahunaburger]

You guys really think the hospital won't do anything? They typically have this huge category called the almighty "unprofessional behavior". I know of an attending that was fired for doing the exact same thing, and this was at a well known institution. I don't condone cheating at all, but if this had been a 1 time fling that's one thing, but I'd be worried this guy has started to develop feelings (probably 95% chance they both have). Confront his ass, don't play nice, and before you do it hire a lawyer.

 

[bigkahunaburger]

Also, don't let that skank get off unscathed, send an email to her husband I guarantee he'll appreciate it.

 

[lazymd]

Wait until he finishes his fellowship and starts to make a decent salary. Then quit your job under the guise of wanting to be a "stay-at-home mom". Wait a year, file for divorce.... and then Voilá!!!... Alimony for life!

If you want to get back at a guy, you don't call and tell his boss that he's sleeping with his co-workers; if there are no rules against it, he'll just get away looking like a stud. If you want to hit a guy where it hurts, go for his wallet. There's nothing worse than working hard all your life for that big payoff and then having to give half of it to a woman that you no longer have any contact with, so that she can take her younger and hornier boyfriend on a trip to Jamaica. p i kid i kid... or am I? )

The point is, if you want to work it out with him, then let him know that he's caught. And if he asks for forgiveness, make him attend counseling with you.

However, if you don't want to work it out, proceed with the plan above.


Disclaimer:
I'm a little buzzed right now, so take this with a grain of salt.

 

[The spleen]

Well. I confronted him. He denied it of course. It was only after I confronted him did I realize that I did not have actual physical proof of the affair. It was only the emails that I saw. I should have printed them out or taken pictures. I was stupid.
So now I wait for him to F-up again so I can get the physical proof I need.

And no, I didn't tell anybody else yet. But let me tell you I really want to.

 

[Giggles88]

Well. I confronted him. He denied it of course. It was only after I confronted him did I realize that I did not have actual physical proof of the affair. It was only the emails that I saw. I should have printed them out or taken pictures. I was stupid.
So now I wait for him to F-up again so I can get the physical proof I need.

And no, I didn't tell anybody else yet. But let me tell you I really want to.

Why do you need proof if you know what you saw? Sounds like a cop-out to me. If you're positive that he cheated then that means that he also stood there and lied to your face. So that makes him a liar AND a cheat.

P.S. He's not going to be screwing up anytime soon now that he knows you're on to him. So prepare to be waiting for a long time while this eats away at you.

BEST OF LUCK!

 

[KittySquared]

If I were you, Spleen, I'd cease having any kind of physical relationship with him. You never know where that ho-bag came from. Start collecting physical evidence. When divorce comes,the court will favor you.

 

[Apollyon]

Well. I confronted him. He denied it of course. It was only after I confronted him did I realize that I did not have actual physical proof of the affair. It was only the emails that I saw. I should have printed them out or taken pictures. I was stupid.
So now I wait for him to F-up again so I can get the physical proof I need.

And no, I didn't tell anybody else yet. But let me tell you I really want to.

Do you know what you did here? You showed him your hand before any bets were on the table. You fired your gun, but it had blanks in it.

What is he doing now? He is getting his ducks in a row. He, quite likely, is contacting a lawyer. He is still getting his piece of ass on the side.

Saying "But let me tell you I really want to" is just foolish. I am sorry to be so blunt, but you have severely damaged your case here, and this will likely lead to a more painful situation for you.

And, yes, if you are still having sex with him, he wins on all sides. All sides. I am just saying - not asking, not wondering, strictly going one way only - but, now, if you indeed are still having relations, don't be surprised if he wants to do something "new", which you haven't done, or done frequently, mostly because you find it degrading or humiliating. He's going to want to get to you even more, and, if you let him, again, it will likely lead to a more painful situation for you.

 

[badasshairday]

Wow. Well, you guys are probably being more realist than me. But I'm going to think that with the confrontation, which sounds like it didn't go well, he might have learned his lesson and will drop this side dish woman. Don't forget, men are capable of separating love and sex, so hopefully he learned his lesson that his little sexcapade is hurting the woman he loves.

Wish you the best OP.

 

[J ROD]

Yeah, you really ****ed up there............

you get the dirt and a lawyer first.........then confront when you have them surrounded and no way out.

If he is really having an affair, people that they work with will know. It will be around the hospital gossip. See if you can get someone to confirm at the hospital.

Then, you want to hire the PI to catch him with his pants down and with her.

If he was going to stop, he would have came clean then and asked for forgiveness. But sounds like he just denied it all and himself is not too angry. I know if someone accused me of cheating on them I would be so freakin mad I probably would leave them. So, since he is not that mad, sounds like he doesnt care and is just going to do business as usual. Which is do her more.

Right now, the best thing you can do is separate and get your ducks in a row. Right now, it sounds like the best way to get him is take the money away.

So, separate and take your money. He has sex. Also, it might be worth it to talk to that nurse and see what she says. Woman to Woman. You also have the leverage she is married with kids so you could tell her husband if she lies. Just tell her you dont want to break up her family and all but you want to know the truth.

She might help you then get the evidence you need to get out well in the divorce. Just a thought.......

But, lastly, you need to move on from him. He does not respect or care for you or he would not treat you this way.

 

[kgpremed11]

Hello all-

I am looking for advise. After 10 years of marriage, I have discovered that my husband is having an affair with a nurse at the hospital he is doing his fellowship at. She is a married nurse with kids. They are engaging in an intimate relationship at work during the day based on the messages I saw.

Needless to say I am devastated. I have been the primary income source throughout his entire medical career, and now that we are about to start a family his happens.

Well, I am thinking about telling his attendings and friends at the hospital about what he did.

Do you think the hospital would do anything about this if I did tell people, or am I just an angry wife looking for revenge?

Alone in the world...

What does this have to do with anything? That why I plan on supporting myself throughout medical education. I don't need any woman making claims on money I have or money im gonna make.

 

[lazymd]

What does this have to do with anything? That why I plan on supporting myself throughout medical education. I don't need any woman making claims on money I have or money im gonna make.

Yeah, that's the reason you're single.

 

[Neuronix]

Yeah, that's the reason you're single.

Shrug, that is the justification for divorces that involve high amounts of alimony payments. I SUPPORTED HIM THROUGH RESIDENCY! I QUIT MY JOB SO I COULD TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS!

Bye bye half of your salary. It's not misogyny, it's the way the world works.

 

[kgpremed11]

Shrug, that is the justification for divorces that involve high amounts of alimony payments. I SUPPORTED HIM THROUGH RESIDENCY! I QUIT MY JOB SO I COULD TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS!

Bye bye half of your salary. It's not misogyny, it's the way the world works.

I agree. As a guy you have to be smart nowadays, especially when it comes to women and money. Women do nothing for free. NOTHING!

 

[kgpremed11]

Yeah, that's the reason you're single.

And Im absolutely fine with that.

 

[deleted480308]

Talk to a lawyer...for this topic the only advice worth listenin to on this forum is don't listen to this forum, talk to a lawyer

 

[The spleen]

Well, all has been quiet. He seems to be trying to make our relationship work. I have not seen any evidence of another woman and his phone is clean. Of course, he could be better at hiding it. My theory is that if he is having an affair, it will eventually be discovered again. It could be by me, her husband, or a co-worker. When and if that happens, I'm gone.

I don't intend to be a doormat. I just want to try to save a relationship with a man I love dearly. I know most of you said that you would have walked out the door by now and that is what I would have said a few months ago. But until your are in the position to choose you won't know what you will do.

Trying to be strong...

 

[lazymd]

Shrug, that is the justification for divorces that involve high amounts of alimony payments. I SUPPORTED HIM THROUGH RESIDENCY! I QUIT MY JOB SO I COULD TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS!

Bye bye half of your salary. It's not misogyny, it's the way the world works.

I agree. As a guy you have to be smart nowadays, especially when it comes to women and money. Women do nothing for free. NOTHING!

Ugh... men and their one-sided thought process.

And Im absolutely fine with that.

You misread the dig. I was saying that you're single because no one wants you, not because you choose to be. Thanks for ruining a perfectly good burn.

 

[lazymd]

Well, all has been quiet. He seems to be trying to make our relationship work. I have not seen any evidence of another woman and his phone is clean. Of course, he could be better at hiding it. My theory is that if he is having an affair, it will eventually be discovered again. It could be by me, her husband, or a co-worker. When and if that happens, I'm gone.

I don't intend to be a doormat. I just want to try to save a relationship with a man I love dearly. I know most of you said that you would have walked out the door by now and that is what I would have said a few months ago. But until your are in the position to choose you won't know what you will do.

Trying to be strong...

Evidence? You had evidence. Just because you didn't print the email to throw in his face does not mean that you have to stay. You know what was in the email and so does he.

It's your life. If you want to look the other way while he cheats, DO IT. You have no obligation to any of us to create excuses for why you are staying. Again, IT'S YOUR LIFE. You aren't the first woman to look the other way and you certainly won't be the last.

But since you put this on a public forum for people to comment on, I will simply leave this thread with a quote from the late, great Eleanor Roosevelt:

If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault.

Best of luck...

 

[ks2135]

I hear about this at the hospitals all the time

which doctor hooked up with who, the ho, the skank

hospitals would make a great reality show

 

[Gauss44]

Hello all-

I am looking for advise. After 10 years of marriage, I have discovered that my husband is having an affair with a nurse at the hospital he is doing his fellowship at. She is a married nurse with kids. They are engaging in an intimate relationship at work during the day based on the messages I saw.

Needless to say I am devastated. I have been the primary income source throughout his entire medical career, and now that we are about to start a family his happens.

Well, I am thinking about telling his attendings and friends at the hospital about what he did.

Do you think the hospital would do anything about this if I did tell people, or am I just an angry wife looking for revenge?

Alone in the world...

The last 3 paragraphs describe what a lot of people would feel like doing, but it might not make anything better. You know your situation better than anyone else. It may or may not make sense to 1. Handle the emotional side of this first by talking with a friend or relationship counselor who can also give you guidance. You can think through your situation with them and sort of mentally process things so it becomes more manageable given the initial shock value. You can also tell them when you plan to speak with your husband so they might be there for you after that talk. 2. You might find it better to tell your husband you need to speak with him immediately. Just be careful not to give him any ammunition in case this is the beginning of a divorce (which I hope it's not OP, just be safe) And be careful not to say something that YOU would later regret because the situation is so upsetting. 3. Consulting a lawyer is a good idea. I don't know that I would do that before #1 and #2 above.

Edit: I just noticed that this thread was started quite a while ago! So now that some time has passed, I'll tell you what I was wondering as I read your topic, that I wasn't going to mention before: Why did this dude cheat? Is this a case of a monogamous person married to a non-monogamous person, who is choosing you over non-monogamy because he loves you? I don't know. I just wonder about these things. It's okay if you want to keep that private and not answer.

 

[IANKRISBANAWA]

As a wife, it is your duties to confront your husband regarding on your matter. It is not healthy in a relationship where one partner is looking for another partner, since both of them has their own families, Even the churches don;t allow this. This is not only against the law of people but also against the law of god. But if you want to confront him, did it in a more professional way. Talk to him nicely. And at least try to confront the other girl and tell her to stay away from your husband. That's it.

 

[LADoc00]

What happened to this poster?? Im curious.

 

[studentp0x]

What happened to this poster?? Im curious.

Hoping she dumped him first of all and equally importantly, awared the husband of the nurse. It's a two side thing, and both sides must know.

 

[fancymylotus]

Hoping she dumped him first of all and equally importantly, awared the husband of the nurse. It's a two side thing, and both sides must know.

I doubt she left. She didn't seem to want to.

 

[NYCNative]

Next time wait until all your ducks are in a row

 

[fancymylotus]

Next time, install a key-logger on your computer so you can get his password and inspect all the emails you want.....

A what?!

 

[Escape_Goat]

You should cheat on him with the same nurse and see how he likes it.

A what?!

It's a program that keeps a record of all keystrokes made on a keyboard. They run in the background and used for monitoring computer activity.

 

[studentp0x]

I doubt she left. She didn't seem to want to.

Inb4 he apologizes etc. and cheats again in 3 years.. and again in 6.. and so on.

Typical.

Next time, install a key-logger on your computer so you can get his password and inspect all the emails you want.....

I wouldn't stop there, how about installing a chip on his phone to monitor all the texts.

In all seriousness, checking on a partner's social networking and manually seeing their phone or computer is all fine and normal. And while I support spying using technology if you suspect something, I think it sucks if you've gotten to that stage where you genuinely think something's going on.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

In all seriousness, checking on a partner's social networking and manually seeing their phone or computer is all fine and normal. And while I support spying using technology if you suspect something, I think it sucks if you've gotten to that stage where you genuinely think something's going on.

What? In a normal relationship? Uh, no....there's a little thing called trust that is essential to a relationship. If you go around checking their phone records, email, etc behind their back for no reason (obviously there is a reason in this case, and I'm more sympathetic to it, but you seemed to advocate for it in all circumstances), you obviously have major trust issues and are not ready for a relationship.

 

[studentp0x]

What? In a normal relationship? Uh, no....there's a little thing called trust that is essential to a relationship. If you go around checking their phone records, email, etc behind their back for no reason (obviously there is a reason in this case, and I'm more sympathetic to it, but you seemed to advocate for it in all circumstances), you obviously have major trust issues and are not ready for a relationship.

You seem to have misunderstood. I was talking about the *very* basic level of checking. Like seeing if they're publically talking to anyone on social networking sites (fb/twitter) or asking to see their phone randomly.
Not talking about checking stuff behind their back (although given certain opportunities.. as in an open laptop with facebook left open, 99% of people will look and that's natural).

I've been and currently still am in a long term relationship. Trust gets built VERY slowly and it has to be tested slowly over time. I bet the OP trusted her husband a lot too. And same with a number of people who have been cheated on.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

You seem to have misunderstood. I was talking about the *very* basic level of checking. Like seeing if they're publically talking to anyone on social networking sites (fb/twitter) or asking to see their phone randomly.
Not talking about checking stuff behind their back (although given certain opportunities.. as in an open laptop with facebook left open, 99% of people will look and that's natural).

I've been and currently still am in a long term relationship. Trust gets built VERY slowly and it has to be tested slowly over time. I bet the OP trusted her husband a lot too. And same with a number of people who have been cheated on.

Sorry, I didn't mean you specifically, I was using the generic "you." I see your point, but I still wouldn't do something like randomly ask to see my SO's phone or something to go through their messages unless I had a reason. That very action requires suspicion and therefore implies a lack of trust. Seeing if they are talking to people on social media, ok, but that still kind of stinks of paranoia.

 

[studentp0x]

Sorry, I didn't mean you specifically, I was using the generic "you." I see your point, but I still wouldn't do something like randomly ask to see my SO's phone or something to go through their messages unless I had a reason. That very action requires suspicion and therefore implies a lack of trust. Seeing if they are talking to people on social media, ok, but that still kind of stinks of paranoia.

But how would you ever know if she's up to something shady? I've heard (and seen) that women can be better at acting all normal whilst doing things behind their partner's back. Guys seem to give off more signs. You coould be cheated on multiple times and never know about it because you never investigated into what your partner does.

Fact is, almost everyone I know has either cheated or been cheated on. (Ones who haven't either never knew about it or haven't really dated ) It's definitely wise to look into these things.
Given that's how people are caught normally anyway

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Fact is, almost everyone I know has either cheated or been cheated on. (Ones who haven't either never knew about it or haven't really dated ) It's definitely wise to look into these things.
Given that's how people are caught normally anyway

You may be a tad biased then, to be honest. I agree that it is always good to pay attention to how people act - that's where the main signs of cheating usually first appear, and people that don't notice the personality changes or subtle action changes are the ones who have it the worst - but pseudo stalking on social media or asking to check someone's personal items is a bit much IMO.

 

[studentp0x]

You may be a tad biased then, to be honest. I agree that it is always good to pay attention to how people act - that's where the main signs of cheating usually first appear, and people that don't notice the personality changes or subtle action changes are the ones who have it the worst - but pseudo stalking on social media or asking to check someone's personal items is a bit much IMO.

But lots of people who cheat very occasionally (not ongoing affairs!) won't show many or any personality changes. You have to be lucky to catch them while they do it. And unfortunately, it's anything but uncommon. To support what I say, the majority of cheating cases I've heard (and I've heard a ton) were found out by Facebook or cell phone stalking.

 

[medstud104]

Hello all-

I am looking for advise. After 10 years of marriage, I have discovered that my husband is having an affair with a nurse at the hospital he is doing his fellowship at. She is a married nurse with kids. They are engaging in an intimate relationship at work during the day based on the messages I saw.

Needless to say I am devastated. I have been the primary income source throughout his entire medical career, and now that we are about to start a family his happens.

Well, I am thinking about telling his attendings and friends at the hospital about what he did.

Do you think the hospital would do anything about this if I did tell people, or am I just an angry wife looking for revenge?

Alone in the world...

The spleen is a wierd name. So is mine. Nice to meet you. Anyway. Whoever cheats will be tormented forever. Smile.