How do I support my SO? DO seems unrealistic even...

Do you think a therapist would help him?

  • Yes

    Votes: 1 16.7%
  • No

    Votes: 1 16.7%
  • Depends (please elaborate)

    Votes: 4 66.7%

  • Total voters
    6

tealdiary

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Edited for future searches 5/17/15.

If you meet someone who is struggling in college and enter into a relationship with them and find yourself stressing because of their stress: end the relationship and move on.

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Well he's clearly not going into medicine. But you can't make someone go to a therapist. You can suggest it, and you can ask him what he wants to do with his life, but he needs to come to grips with the fact that things aren't going to happen the way he's been wanting on his own.
 
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I mean, no one would take seriously an applicant who "took ochem 1" 3 times going on a possible 4th right? The first time he withdrew, the second time he bombed the summer session, and the third time now he missed a second exam which was 20% of his grade when he got a 30% on the first exam. I tell him, "maybe science isn't where you're meant to be...maybe you just watch too much House and deluded yourself". But he feels like it's too late to change course, as he should have graduated last semester and still is pre-med and still taking ochem 1 to finish pre-med reqs and get his bio degree. To me telling him any of this, I get 3 responses, "just be quiet," "I already know," and " I don't want to talk about it."

Can anyone give me advice to support him and help me cope against his coldness?

Tell him to look up sunk cost fallacy

Also, he's very well aware that he may not be cut out for medicine, and you reminding him of it does not help the situation at all. I mean, come on, he lied to you about his grades previously - that's how insecure he is about it. You alluding to his potential future failures over and over does nothing but make things worse. Trust me, he knows (and fears) this very well. Stop telling him things like that. You may well be trying to be supportive but you're actually feeding his fears.

If he is indeed depressed, then all you can do is suggest counseling. And if he doesn't accept....there really isn't anything you can do. Sometimes people are just at points in their life where a relationship isn't something they can handle.

What are you getting out of all this? It sounds selfish to think about, but it really isn't. Successful relationships mean that both people are gaining something from it. If you are providing comfort and support and he is not providing (or can't provide) the same, it sounds like he's in the point in his life I mentioned above and may need to be single for a while.
 
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Tell him to look up sunk cost fallacy

Also, he's very well aware that he may not be cut out for medicine, and you reminding him of it does not help the situation at all. I mean, come on, he lied to you about his grades previously - that's how insecure he is about it. You alluding to his potential future failures over and over does nothing but make things worse. Trust me, he knows (and fears) this very well. Stop telling him things like that. You may well be trying to be supportive but you're actually feeding his fears.

If he is indeed depressed, then all you can do is suggest counseling. And if he doesn't accept....there really isn't anything you can do. Sometimes people are just at points in their life where a relationship isn't something they can handle.

What are you getting out of all this? It sounds selfish to think about, but it really isn't. Successful relationships mean that both people are gaining something from it. If you are providing comfort and support and he is not providing (or can't provide) the same, it sounds like he's in the point in his life I mentioned above and may need to be single for a while.


First off, thanks for replying everyone..

I mean, I tell him he could do other things (PA, PT, nutritionist, grad school for some kind of health), and he seemed placated with these plans, but today he brought up the DO again. I mean, he may waste so much of his resources to apply and not even get in (all the fees involved.) But yes you guys are right, I will stop bringing it up...but I am not sure if he will ever face reality until he (if ever) takes his mcat or actually applies...and by that time he could have done something else!

He is only depressed and stressed when it comes to these science classes he's taking. Anything else, like times where he can forget about them (going out, playing games, any other class) he seems to improve in his mood a lot.

What am I getting out of this? Yes I have been hurt by his behavior and we have made up numerous times. He may be too self-centered to support me at times when he is stressed, but when he is not, he does help me find confidence in my professional and personal goals. He has mentioned that he "misses" being single and said when we first got together part of it was out of desperation to "not be single." It's hurtful, but I assumed it should be what most people feel at this time in their adult lives...
 
What am I getting out of this? Yes I have been hurt by his behavior and we have made up numerous times. He may be too self-centered to support me at times when he is stressed, but when he is not, he does help me find confidence in my professional and personal goals. He has mentioned that he "misses" being single and said when we first got together part of it was out of desperation to "not be single." It's hurtful, but I assumed it should be what most people feel at this time in their adult lives...

Even if that was part of his reasoning and he does miss being single....why on earth would he tell you that to your face and still continue the relationship? Does he not know the meaning of tact?
 
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