how do you tell your parents you DON'T want to be a doctor anymore?

[qualityhealth]

it has just occurred to me these past few weeks that a career in medicine is not for me. See the thing is my parents are immigrants and of course they have that immigrant mentality of following the "American dream". My parents have worked their butts off for us, for the past 15 years in a no good dirty factory, in the graveyard shift, barely making ends meet while pulling as much overtime as they can get their hands on...its been physically and emotionally draining for them..and still they've done this to get us through private school from kindergarten to end of highschool. they've always wanted us to become doctors/lawyers/engineers, however I don't want to do any of these...but I owe it to them to make the "American dream" and their dream come true. I just want them to be proud of me and proud of themselves...how do I tell them I don't want to do go to med school anymore?

I mean, I"m having so much trouble just trying to pass my science classes...if it came naturally, or more easily I def would still want to be a doc..but I just don't think I can hack it

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[ChubbyChaser]

Hey dad...I cant pass my science classes...Imma be a communications major instead. Sorry.

 

[JaggerPlate]

Hey dad...I cant pass my science classes...Imma be a communications major instead. Sorry.

ROFL ... and to the OP, I think a text would do the trick. It is the best way to break up.

 

[HumidBeing]

You know them better than any of us. Do you have any ideas on what you'd rather do? It can be easier to talk to them if you have well thought ideas on the type of occupation that you think is most suitable for your strengths and interests. That way, instead of just taking a dream away, there is something else to look forward to. It doesn't eliminate the disappointment if they have their own hopes set on specific careers, but it can go a long way toward easing it.

 

[Wylde]

You should find out what you would love to do for the rest of your life and become very passionate about.

Fulfill YOUR dreams and enter a career that makes you happy, then thank your parents for giving you the opportunities to love your job. Explain that this is the true "American Dream".

 

[brianmartin]

Naturally? There is no way organic chemistry came "naturally" for me

Why do you want to quit now, and how far along are you? Is it because you don't WANT to do the work, or you think you actually can't do it?

If you can do it, but just don't want to - tell them the truth, don't lie and say "I can't do it" because that is selling yourself short. If you want a more relaxed life, tell them that. Remember, they are worried about their own retirement as well

 

[littlealex]

Uh Brian, I'm sure a lot of people work very hard and just don't get the grades they want. You make it sound like everyone that quit premed quit because they simply don't want to work hard enough.

to OP: tell them the truth. Tell them what you just told us.

 

[Chase]

it has just occurred to me these past few weeks that a career in medicine is not for me. See the thing is my parents are immigrants and of course they have that immigrant mentality of following the "American dream". My parents have worked their butts off for us, for the past 15 years in a no good dirty factory, in the graveyard shift, barely making ends meet while pulling as much overtime as they can get their hands on...its been physically and emotionally draining for them..and still they've done this to get us through private school from kindergarten to end of highschool. they've always wanted us to become doctors/lawyers/engineers, however I don't want to do any of these...but I owe it to them to make the "American dream" and their dream come true. I just want them to be proud of me and proud of themselves...how do I tell them I don't want to do go to med school anymore?

I mean, I"m having so much trouble just trying to pass my science classes...if it came naturally, or more easily I def would still want to be a doc..but I just don't think I can hack it

wow, your parents sure are dumb. they should've just kept that money and bought a beemer and gone on vacation to key west.

 

[butiwuvu]

OP - you "owe" your parents nothing. It was their stupid decision to put you through private education for thirteen years. They sound like they wanted to buy success rather than have you work for it. Dumb.

Tell them that you're not living your life for them. Tell them that while you're grateful for your private schooling, it was their decision, not yours, to dump tens (hundreds?) of thousands of dollars into it.

The one thing I find more pathetic than parents who are desperate for their kids to become doctors are premeds who haven't got the balls to do what they want with their lives and have to please mom and dad. Grow a pair and tell them that you're not going to med school.

 

[mmcnam]

you can do pretty much anything you want in this country and that's one major benefit to you from your parents' hard work in getting here. just tell them exactly how you feel, which seems pretty well encapsulated in your post. it'll be fine.

 

[qualityhealth]

OP - you "owe" your parents nothing. It was their stupid decision to put you through private education for thirteen years. They sound like they wanted to buy success rather than have you work for it. Dumb.

Tell them that you're not living your life for them. Tell them that while you're grateful for your private schooling, it was their decision, not yours, to dump tens (hundreds?) of thousands of dollars into it.

The one thing I find more pathetic than parents who are desperate for their kids to become doctors are premeds who haven't got the balls to do what they want with their lives and have to please mom and dad. Grow a pair and tell them that you're not going to med school.

the only reason they spent money on our education is because we lived in a really ghetto/rundown/poor city with terrible, terrible schools. once we moved in a better neighborhood 6 years ago, we went to public highschools, while my brother finished off his last two years in a very expensive private school.

my point is that because of their immense sacrifices and value of education don't you guys think I owe them something big...and the only "big" think I can think of is being a doctor for them..

I would love to be a doctor for myself too of course, but honestly, I just don't have the courage and don't think I'm smart enough...I'm struggling just to pass physics and I've gotten B's and C's in my bio classes, so obviously that tells you something..also, I do not want to take the mcat...if I can't hack these classes what makes me think I could "kill" the Mcat which so many in this forum chime?

 

[HumidBeing]

the only reason they spent money on our education is because we lived in a really ghetto/rundown/poor city with terrible, terrible schools. once we moved in a better neighborhood 6 years ago, we went to public highschools, while my brother finished off his last two years in a very expensive private school.

my point is that because of their immense sacrifices and value of education don't you guys think I owe them something big...and the only "big" think I can think of is being a doctor for them..

I would love to be a doctor for myself too of course, but honestly, I just don't have the courage and don't think I'm smart enough...I'm struggling just to pass physics and I've gotten B's and C's in my bio classes, so obviously that tells you something..also, I do not want to take the mcat...if I can't hack these classes what makes me think I could "kill" the Mcat which so many in this forum chime?

Your parents sound very dedicated and caring. The greatest thing you owe your parents is respect. It sounds like you already have a good helping of that. Whatever you decide to do, if you make sure they know that, it will all go down more easily.

You have a long life ahead of you, and really do have many options beyond becoming a doctor. Find a path that does excite you. Convey both your respect and enthusiasm to your parents. They may be surprised and a bit disappointed at first, but they will come around eventually. If you continue to follow one path that makes you miserable just because that is what is expected of you, you are likely to build up resentment and your relationship with your parents is very likely to suffer worse than if you work on a solution early.

Best of luck.

 

[HoorayForMed]

the only reason they spent money on our education is because we lived in a really ghetto/rundown/poor city with terrible, terrible schools. once we moved in a better neighborhood 6 years ago, we went to public highschools, while my brother finished off his last two years in a very expensive private school.

my point is that because of their immense sacrifices and value of education don't you guys think I owe them something big...and the only "big" think I can think of is being a doctor for them..

I would love to be a doctor for myself too of course, but honestly, I just don't have the courage and don't think I'm smart enough...I'm struggling just to pass physics and I've gotten B's and C's in my bio classes, so obviously that tells you something..also, I do not want to take the mcat...if I can't hack these classes what makes me think I could "kill" the Mcat which so many in this forum chime?

Being a doctor is NOT the only thing that will relieve that sense of owing them something, and trust me, you do not want to go through premed/med school only on the feeling that you owe it to your parents. You have to love it, and if not love it, then eat breathe and sleep it because YOU want it.

I agree with HumidBeing, it sounds like your parents care about you a lot. Be honest with them. I have friends who started out premed who are now going into all sorts of different fields. And guess what? They're happy, and because they are happy, their parents have moved on and even supported their decision. Your parents don't want misery for you, and if they do, then you need to sit down with them and talk.

 

[Margaux1985]

it has just occurred to me these past few weeks that a career in medicine is not for me. See the thing is my parents are immigrants and of course they have that immigrant mentality of following the "American dream". My parents have worked their butts off for us, for the past 15 years in a no good dirty factory, in the graveyard shift, barely making ends meet while pulling as much overtime as they can get their hands on...its been physically and emotionally draining for them..and still they've done this to get us through private school from kindergarten to end of highschool. they've always wanted us to become doctors/lawyers/engineers, however I don't want to do any of these...but I owe it to them to make the "American dream" and their dream come true. I just want them to be proud of me and proud of themselves...how do I tell them I don't want to do go to med school anymore?

I mean, I"m having so much trouble just trying to pass my science classes...if it came naturally, or more easily I def would still want to be a doc..but I just don't think I can hack it

Didn't you just post that thread about how you find female premeds hot and how you can't help but fall for the premed chicks in your class?

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=517969

I can't help but think that maybe you're having a hard time passing classes because you have your priorities in the wrong places. Either that or maybe you plan on marrying a hot doctor so that you won't have to work hard and pull through yourself.

 

[gtdavis10]

Okay...after reading your posts, and all the responses, I'm going to see if I can't offer a little advice.

First of all, just because you make a few B's or C's does NOT mean you can't hack it as a doctor. I personally know many doctors who talked with me about how they struggled with a lot of their premed work, and there are numerous other posters on these forums with success stories after having some rather poor premed grades. Furthermore, not many people look forward to taking the MCAT, other than just to get it out of the way and be done with it. Now, I don't know your intellectual capacity, nor do I know whether you actually can cut it as a doctor. Only you can know that. But based on the information you gave, it definitely can't be said that you can NOT be a doctor.

Now, do you owe your parents for all the sacrifices they have made for you? I would say, yes, you do owe them. To anyone who says that what your parents did was stupid, that just shows their ignorance, and don't listen to that. Based on what you have told us, your parents did everything they could to place you in an environment that would give you the most options to be successful. Did it mean that they had to work extra shifts, wear themselves out, and give up other things they may have wanted? Most definitely. But that is called self-sacrifice, and that is what being a parent is about. However, does all this mean that you should be a doctor/lawyer/engineer just for them? No. More than anything, based on the sacrifices they have made, your parents just want you to be happy, and have opportunities for things in life that they didn't have. So, to truly repay them, find something that you enjoy (and this is key - look around while you are in college and are able to do so), and COMMIT to it. I believe once you commit to it, the "passion" will follow.

I can relate to your situation, as I am currently dealing with the same situation. My parents have sacrificed greatly on my behalf, and for this I feel a responsibility to them. There is nothing wrong with that. However, they have not pressured me in to medicine, but I originally presented the idea to them. Since then, they have backed me 100%. However, I am doubting whether medicine is really for me, and am most likely going to pursue another career. While they definitely had questions when I told them, and they were trying to make sure I thought everything through, they are starting to come around.

So, to sum up the book I have written, you do owe your parents something. But don't choose something that will make you miserable. Find something you enjoy, and commit to it fully. When you do this, and communicate it clearly to your parents, they will deal with any disappointments they may have and will be happy for you. That's how you pay them back.

 

[gtdavis10]

Didn't you just post that thread about how you find female premeds hot and how you can't help but fall for the premed chicks in your class?

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=517969

I can't help but think that maybe you're having a hard time passing classes because you have your priorities in the wrong places. Either that or maybe you plan on marrying a hot doctor so that you won't have to work hard and pull through yourself - maybe that'll make your parents proud. It seems as though your parents have worked hard for the past 15 years so that you can let your life go to waste.

Agreed. Whatever it is you choose to do, you have to work at it. Nothing is going to come easy, and if that is what you are looking for, you are doing yourself and your parents a disservice. Your parents have set a good example with their hard work, one that you would be wise to follow. My grandpa has always told me, "I don't care what you do for living. Hell, you can even dig ditches. But if you're going to be a ditch-digger, be the best damn ditch-digger you can be."

 

[Ronnie Coleman]

Your parents will be devastated that you've decided not to commit yourself to 4 years tucked away on the 3rd floor of a medical library and 4 years of doing 24 hour shifts for minimal compensation, all the while sinking further into nearly insurmountable debt and thereby significantly delaying your prospects of starting a family before your parents are too elderly to remember the names of their grandchildren for more than 5 minutes- if they are still alive at all by that time of course.

 

[JerryLundegaard]

Your parents will be devastated that you've decided not to commit yourself to 4 years tucked away on the 3rd floor of a medical library and 4 years of doing 24 hour shifts for minimal compensation, all the while sinking further into nearly insurmountable debt and thereby significantly delaying your prospects of starting a family before your parents are too elderly to remember the names of their grandchildren for more than 5 minutes- if they are still alive at all by that time of course.

RIP, Mr. Coleman

 

[drlisa0318]

OP, I will tell you the story I told my son when he was in kindergarten:

There once was a young broom with strong bristles and a shiny handle. His parents were very proud of him. But the young broom wasn't happy with being a broom. "I don't want to sweep up after people! I want to help build things like my friend, the hammer!" So, he set out to be a hammer. At first, he was so proud of himself. He did a decent job hammering in nails. Soon, however, he saw that his handle was no longer shiny and it was full of dents and splinters. And it was getting harder and harder to hammer the nails home. Finally, he realized he really wasn't cut out to be a hammer, so he went back to being a broom. And while his job wasn't as glamorous as his friend's job, he was VERY good at sweeping up and discovered he really enjoyed it. For the first time in a long time, he was truly happy.

God has given each of us a Big Dream. And along with that Big Dream, he's given us the talents to see it to fruition. I told my son that I would support him in whatever he chose to do, as long as he was doing what God was calling him to do, even if it meant doing something I wouldn't have chosen for him. If he was doing what God called him to do, what He created him for, my son's life would be filled with joy, whether it was mopping floors or healing the sick. From a parent's perspective, I would rather that, than see my son surrounded by the trappings of success, yet dreading going to work every day.

In a little less than 3 months, my son will be heading to San Diego for Marine recruit training. He leaves the day BEFORE his 19th birthday. His birthday present will be hearing the words, "GET OFF OF MY BUS!" Is this what I would have chosen for him? No. But this is his calling, his passion. I am just as proud of him for choosing this path as I will be when I see him graduate basic, having earned the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor, and the right to be called Marine.

So, OP, find your passion, your calling, and go for it. If your parents give you grief over it, you can have them PM me here. Maybe from one parent to another I can help them understand your decision.

 

[closer23]

Just find another respectable career that interests you and you would enjoy..

 

[mongrel]

"Mom and Dad, I don't think I'm going to do pre-med anymore."

This clip might help...
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQrHsrKIspM[/youtube]

 

[sasuke]

While it helps to have good grades and stuff like that to get into medschool, there are people out there who became doctors without all those things. It really depends on how much you really want to be one and how much you are willing to sacrifice for it.

That being said, its really important to find out what you want to do. Something that you truly enjoy and wouldn't mind doing even if you don't get paid. Otherwise, whatever you do will always be "work" and you'll be complaining sooner or later.

Sure your parents have their dreams (of you being a physician). But, if that makes you miserable all the time, then it's really not worth it. Chances are, they want you to be a doctor because they see it as a way to have a steady income (fairly well paying) and with "job security". They're probably thinking that having those things will help make your life easier and therefore have a better chance of being happier with less things to worry about. What I'm trying to get at is that, they just want you to be happy- that's what parents really want for their kids in the end.

Don't worry about your grades and how difficult classes may be. If there is a burning desire, you'll overcome all obstacles to get it. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do!

 

[nontypicalazn]

My 2 cents as an immigrant child whose parents sacrificed tons:

Yes, you DO owe your parents a lot, for leaving an established home, to come here to a new environment and work their asses off doing stuff they don't like to or even hate to, just to give you possibility of a better future. Yes, yes, yes, you absolutely owe them. (I feel the same way, but luckily I like/love science/medicine, so I'm not complaining).

BUT, if you truly dislike pre-med/medicine, DON'T do it. There's nothing worse than making yourself crazy, doing all these, get into a med school after all the struggle, and eventually quitting the school/job.

I understand that finance is totally a big issue for many immigrants, hence the parent's hope for their kids to do something that will bring money to the household (medicine, dentistry, law, finance, engineering), but I'd say find something you are good at, and makes decent/good money. You don't have to love it, but as long as you can stand it, or even perhaps like it, do that. Some people can chase after their dreams, others may have to settle for practicality.

As for your dilemma, just sit them down one of the day, and really let your guts spill. I did it, to convince my parents that I would no longer to Engineering (which offered me full scholarship and extra stipend). I told the how miserable I was and how much I loathed it. To my surprise, they listened and said that I knew what's the best for me.

 

[GreenShirt]

I can sympathize with you OP. My parents are immigrants from Europe, where the American concepts of individuality, being a unique snowflake, and having a destiny don't really exist. In their point of view life about pulling yourself up by your boot straps and putting in the hard work to accomplish something.

I struggled through most of my pre-med classes and called them crying that I couldn't do it. They just told me I was being lazy and didn't want to do the work. Unfortunately, no amount of work could overcome the fact that I simply was not talented in the sciences.

I'm now 3 months away from finishing my first year of medical school and I still call them to tell them the same thing. They tell me it's better to be miserable and become a doctor than to be miserable doing something less lucrative.

Well, maybe they're European logic is right and I'll manage to crawl to the light at the end of the tunnel and be glad that I put in all the hard work to have such a rewarding career. But there's times I think the American way is better and that I'd be much happier doing something at which I'm talented (they tell me once I'm a doctor I'll have the means to explore talents to my hearts content).

I guess the best thing to do would be to discuss the issue with your parents. You never know, they might be more understanding than you think. If not, you'll have to really consider what happiness means to you and if you still think there's something promising you see in medicine even if it means you have to work harder at it than some.