Husband afraid I'll leave for another Doc???

[psipsina]

I will be matriculating next year and am beginning to be quite worried about how my husband of 6 years will handle my becoming an Dr. Jelousy has never really been an issue with us but lately he has been expressing fear that I will leave him for another doctor, like he isn't good enough because he won't have the MD behind his name?? He's super intelligent and interesting and I have been madly in love with him for over 9 years now, and I keep trying to reassure him of this but it doesn't seem to be easing his fear.

Example: The other day on a flight home from an interview I was randomly seated next to a proff from the med school I had interviewed at and we had this great conversation that lasted the entire flight about the world and science and I was so excited because I had already really like the school and this made me feel like it really would be a great choice as I clicked with both my interviewers and this prof and got a great vibe from all of them. Anyway walking thru the airport to my connecting flight I was talking to my husband on the phone and excitedly told him about this great proffessional connection I had made and how this proff had offered to mentor my research etc, and his first reaction was insecurity and asking me if I was going to leave him?!!? I tried to reassure him that any connection was purely on a proffessional level but he seems really uncomfortable about it. I've tried to explain that there is no way I will be able to got thru my career without interacting with male collegues in any significant way so we need to deal with his fears because I can't avoid situtations like this.

Anyway, I really love my husband and am afraid that if not nipped in the butt this could become a huge issue while I am in med school. Does anyone have any advice of how they've dealt with similar issues or is this just way out of the norm? I'm so confused as his reaction was completely unexpected and I can't figure out how to make him more confident in our relationship as I move to the next level of my career.

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[Stroganoff]

So he's expressed some insecurities, fears, jealousy, and sometimes lacks confidence? You love him very much still and have for many years, yet it's annoying you that he's making all this a big deal and in general acting like a scaredy cat?

If you love him, be direct and blunt: "Honey, I love you, but when you act afraid and insecure when I even as much as talk to other men -- future colleagues and friends -- it's a huge turn-off to me. You have nothing to worry about, but if you keep acting like a ***** it'll make it that much harder to grow in my career, not to mention feel passionately attracted to you."

Direct enough?

 

[Redneck]

Good advice. It would work on me if I was acting as he is.

 

[toofache32]

Tell him you had to join the "Mile High Club" to get into med school. That will alleviate his concerns.

 

[mcfreak]

Does anyone have any advice of how they've dealt with similar issues or is this just way out of the norm? I'm so confused as his reaction was completely unexpected and I can't figure out how to make him more confident in our relationship as I move to the next level of my career.

This will be a hard transition. You will be entering a world that he will not be apart of. That might be making him feel a little insecure. My advice is to try to find ways to make him feel apart of what you are doing, reassure him, and hopefully with a little time it will work out. If it doesn't, and things get worse in your relationship, there is no shame in seeking professional relationship counseling.

 

[Wifty]

Does anyone have any advice of how they've dealt with similar issues or is this just way out of the norm? I'm so confused as his reaction was completely unexpected and I can't figure out how to make him more confident in our relationship as I move to the next level of my career.

Time. Time will let him see that he has nothing to worry about.
The fear is really common among spouses and the truth of the matter is that occasionally, a med student does cheat or leave for another med student.
It is an intense years and you really bond with your other classmates.

That said, the relationships that I saw that really had problems, already had problems.

Hubby is graduating in a couple months (YEAH!) and I think what made things easier was me being interactive with the other med students. Without a child (at the time), I was able to go hang out and party and/or play....this made me a real person to them and made me realize I had nothing to worry about. I also got to know those that he studied with regularly (all girls btw!). The worry went away and I am now good friends with those people.

Once you start school, encourage him to get connected with other spouses. Male spouses can be harder to find, but they are out there.

Let him know that this is just another adventure for the two of you and that you will grow closer from it......not further apart.

Good luck!!!
With smiles,
Wifty.....who loves being a med student wife to my soulmate

 

[kassie]

oops

 

[kassie]

Get him involved with all the social activities of med school from the get go. Especially those post-exam parties where there's a party drunk. He'll realize how much of a pile of bumbling idiots we can be and he'll feel better. He might even stop going to the doctor once he sees them at their lows.

If that doesn't work, you might need couples therapy...

 

[njbmd]

Get him involved with all the social activities of med school from the get go. Especially those post-exam parties where there's a party drunk. He'll realize how much of a pile of bumbling idiots we can be and he'll feel better. He might even stop going to the doctor once he sees them at their lows.

If that doesn't work, you might need couples therapy...

Hi there,
This is actually not bad advice. After my fiance started attending some of the departmental functions (I am a general surgery resident), he started to realize that we are just like everyone else. He also made some good friends and he can now place a face with some of the jokers that I work with. He loved my medical school classmates and would often cook when we had study nights over at our house.

If a person is insecure about your relationship, nothing that you do is really going to provide reassurance. You can make sure that you are not so caught up in your career that you start to neglect your relationship at home. After all, something must have been pretty attractive to get you together in the first place.

As far as you leaving your SO for another physician, you can just as easily leave your SO for a plumber. If the relationship is shaky, it is going to falter unless you take some action. Sometimes people just grow apart and it is no one's fault.

Try to include your SO in social activities and take the time to do something special together now and then. It doesn't get any easier in residency when you are gone for days at at time missing him and working yourself into the ground.

njbmd

 

[qwopty99]

deleted

 

[RonDon]

You need to take care of this problem ASAP. If not things can get bad real fast. Let me tell you my story. While I was in med school my fiancee (we lived together for 5 years) was always concerned that I would be constantly be cahsed down by hot nurses ect and leave her. I told her that that was not the case and was always true to my word. When i started residency last year we moved to a diffrent part of the country away from family and friends. She started to get worse ,didnt do anything, didnt allow me to have any friends and we fought all of the time. She went on vacation one week and I went out with some friends. I ended up having a great time and talked to another girl for a long time. When she got back I found out she basicaly did the same thing. Things got worse and we ultimately split up. I subsequently tried to fill the void by attempting to date the other girl and it was a disaster. I had a nervous breakdown Now im in a strang place with no friends and a very busy schedule. It sucks A$$. What you need to do now is to sit down and communicate yours and his goals and intentions for this marrage because the next year of your life will change you in ways that you cannot predict. Luckily I was not married but you are. Dont avoid the issue or he may become so insecure that he may try to go with someone else or you may loose your feelings for him. Both of you need to level with eachother because if you go into your first year with problems and not work like a team it is gonna get really bad. I hope that this helps and that you are able to work things out. good luck

 

[SaraL124]

T

Hubby is graduating in a couple months (YEAH!) and I think what made things easier was me being interactive with the other med students. Without a child (at the time), I was able to go hang out and party and/or play....this made me a real person to them and made me realize I had nothing to worry about. I also got to know those that he studied with regularly (all girls btw!). The worry went away and I am now good friends with those people.

Once you start school, encourage him to get connected with other spouses. Male spouses can be harder to find, but they are out there.

This is such good advice. When my hubby and I moved to a new state for him to start med school (and I started grad school) we went together to all the med school social functions. We hosted dinners and parties at our apartment and I've become friends with a lot of his friends (and even some people he isn't friends with). It'll also help to find other couples where one isn't in the med school so that he can have someone to hang out with when you and the other students are busy studying for exams and whatnot. I think you just need to be super sensitive because he may be feeling insecure now especially if his job is less "impressive" than being an MD. He may be feeling that if you are the "smarter" one who can earn a higher income, what will you need him for? Just reassure him that you love him for who he is and not for his earning potential or "prestige". In time, he'll come to see that you want to pursue medicine for your career advancement and not to meet hot guys.

 

[DeterminedMD]

Before I started medical school I had the same problem. My situation was a little different in that my boyfriend worked, he had no college education. I think he felt somehwhat insecure about myu level of education. But he was intelligent, we had good conversations, he had no reason to be insecure. Just because his level of formal education was not as much as mine, we had a lot in common and a lot to share with each other. The problem only got worse because a couple of times his customers joked around with him and said I would leave him for another doctor. At first I thought it was a crazy thing to think. But when he brought it up again, I knew he was genuinley concerned. I tried to talk to him, but he wasnt willing to talk about it. So our conversatrions and my attempot to appease his fears did not go so well. Long story short, he had planned to move with me ot medical school (we were living together), but at the last minute, his fears overwhelmed him and he broke things off.

I wish I had been more persistent about alleaving his fears and making him realize that an MD behind a persons name is not what love is about. My advice is to sit down with him and have a serious talk. Tell him why you love him. Make sure he knows that your love is deeper than some degree. Assure him that you will include him in events, and make sur eyou do that. He needs to know names and faces so that he can feel a part of your life when medical school starts.Let him tell you why he is concerned.

 

[f_w]

This seems to be a guys thing. (I know plenty of male docs who have wifes/girlfriends with a different level of formal education, but I have yet to hear that this is a problem. )

It seems to be not all that uncommon. I talked to a non-traditional medstudent rotating through our department a while ago. Her husband is a cop with almost 20 years on the force and certainly a career to be proud of. They are married for 8 years or so, but since she attends medschool similar issues to the ones described in this thread have become a constant topic of discussion.

 

[toofache32]

This is very interesting. My wife and I dated from the first semester of college for all 4 years, and now we have been married almost 8 years now that I'm in my 4th year of residency. She finished college and then worked a little but now she's a full-time mom. She has never viewed me as any more than the the smartass college kid she always dated. If I ever tried to make it an issue and pull "doctor" rank on her she would laugh her ass off and tell me to get over myself.

I'm not sure why our profession makes us any different from anyone else. It's just a job for christsake.

 

[qwopty99]

i agree with the above poster that it doesn't really matter how much higher the male's degree is wrt to the female's degree (or level of education). however - highly-educated females often have much pressure to marry at the same level - much more so than highly-educated males do. it's all part of the mythos that the man has to be:

-taller
-older
-more educated
-make more money

i think many men are a bit intimated by really intelligent women, more so than in the reverse situation. likewise - the average non-doctor-male may view a doctor-female as being "too good for him", and that she'll look to other guys (doctors) instead.

it's a difficult situation - as the many above posts suggest. i really wish u the best.

 

[pj367]

this is not just a "guy thing" and it belittles the problem to think that it is. it is actually fairly common for women to divorce their husbands in medical school and then go on to marry a doctor in the future. at least 4 of the maried women at my medical school have gotten divorced in the first 2 years, probably more but i don't gossip enough to know exactly how many.

psipsina's husband has very justifiable fears. I don't know how involved her husband is in the decision for which med school to attend, but maybe he is feeling like his wants and needs are being neglected. but for all i know psipsina has involved her husband on every detail of this journey, i just don't know. it is not an easy thing for the spouses when you go to medical school in a different city. they have to give up their jobs, their friends, sometimes a good church home, many times they move far away from family. all of that can be REALLY hard on a husband. it is especially bad knowing he will have to do it all again in 4 more years. maybe he needs more assurance that his needs are being considered in the decision to go to medical school. maybe he feels that if he has to move away from everything he knows that he is forcing himself to become another person, and he is worried that you won't love the new person. even if you think you are involving him in the decisions you are making he may not feel that way. remember, your choice in med school effects BOTH of you. you may understand that, but he may not recognize that you understand that.

talk to him and ask him if he feels like you have included him in your plans. ask him if there is anything dreadful that he sees in your #1 choice and if there are any other programs that you should consider more. if you make him believe that you are making this decision WITH him instead of FOR him, i think you will both be better off in the future.

 

[toofache32]

....i think many men are a bit intimated by really intelligent women, more so than in the reverse situation...

I think I know they type of women you're talking about, and I don't think intelligence has anything to do with it. It's just too much hassle to put up with a demanding, career-driven female it the guy is already doing the same thing. It would be like a guy marrying another guy. Given a choice, why would a guy want that instead of someone wanting to invest more of the effort into the relationship/marriage/family/whatever. It's tough enough when one of you already has to have a career to put food on the table, but when both of you are trying to do it (or, worse, feed her ego) then it gets complicated.

 

[21JumpStreet]

There are several cops in our area with degrees in engineering and law. One cop had a master's degree in engineering and was married to a doctor that I knew. Sometimes, the doc would try to pull rank in the relationship. The cop would say, "it takes more brains to be an engineer than it does to be a physician. Also, your ability in physics isn't that great. With the way you struggled, you couldn't go any higher in physics if you tried."

 

[doctawife]

My husband and I have been following this thread and discovering how lucky we are. I'm an MD while he's a computer developer. He's very successful in his career, but doesn't have any 'documentation', ie he didn't finish college.

Now, he's smarter than I am, just less tolerant of all the hoops 'requirements' and professors put students through.

But that didn't make the transition to med school and then residency easier. I think a couple of things are key -

1) Communication. Now peeps, this is WORK. No such thing as 'happily ever after' exists - more like 'after much effort, thought, scheduled time for sex, compromise and laughter they made it to old age still loving each other and not inflicting any grevious bodily harm.' Talk to your man - regularly. I'm still somewhat amazed that he needs to hear (again) that yes I love him and yes I'm staying. But then again, I need it too.

2) Get him involved with your medical krew. Intern year we started a Tuesday night beer night - interns and spouses/partners would show up starting at about 8pm every Tuesday and drink together. Since I'm in peds, my hubbie now has a network of other husbands he can gripe with if necessary. And he knows all the wives, too. (And damn it - they're cute! Yargh.)

3) When you come home furious at what the other resident/chief/consultant/nurse/parent did today at work, complain to him. Of course, you have to include explanations so that it makes sense, but since your hubbie is super smart, that shouldn't be a problem. (Note - this is easier if hubbie is with you when you start med school. Trust me, they pick up a lot.) After a while, he'll start to know exactly what you are talking about and lots of things won't even need context anymore.

4) Tell him he's sexy. Often.

Cheers, and good luck. I've been with my thouroughly normal and blissfully non-medical man for ten years, or thereabouts. Trust me, it's the best way to go.

Post script from the hubbie himself - find an interest/hobbie/sport that is completely unrelated to either profession. We like baseball and snow sports. We obsess about the Astros and Red Sox while contemplating our next ski trip. Works well.