I've broken down.

[brokendown]

I'm mentally broken right now so this thread will be of a stressed premed - I know some people can have cold responses here but if you are one of them please save them for another time...

I'm... mentally broken. I studied every day for the month leading up to my genetics exam for so long, I got tutors, I went to office hours, I thought I knew everything needed for the exam and when I left that room I thought I got a 100. Then I receive my exam and... I get a 59. Based on my previous performance in the class I'm very likely getting a variation of a C. This is on top of 3 B-s that I've received in freshman year. My sGPA this semester will be around 3.1 - 3.2 and my cGPA will be around a 3.4.

People tell me that things will be better but I've been fighting depression for months. I hide my stress from my friends with a smile. My mother is the only one who listens to me. My sister, once my best friend, ignores everything I approach her with, even though I've been there for her in the past. My therapist ignores my emails for god knows why if I showed you my email chain/call history with him you'll see that it's not because I've annoyed him or anything. My parents have told me since I was a young teenager that I needed to be a specialized doctor to be successful to them. I can't even take them seriously anymore when now they say that medicine isn't my only option even after ingraining their idea of success into my head for so long. I just feel so. much. pressure.

I can go on. But I'll probably get berated on here by some people (I've been on here for a while so I know the personas around here). Who am I to you guys anyway.

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[Bottle]

I think you are creating a non-existing pressure on yourself. I know this advice may sound generic, but take a step back and look into what you are and what you are doing right now, not what you want to do in the future/think of the past.
So far the only real thing is that 59 on exam, the rest are just things you are coming up with because you are being toxic with yourself.

 

[TheLionheart]

First things first--find yourself a therapist you can actually get in touch with and make use of.

Second, do you want to go to medical school? There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to.

 

[572776]

I think you need to take a break OP. Are you on antidepressants? If so stay on them and try to finish up this semester. I would take the next semester off and do something else so you can forget about school for a while. 3.4 isn't terrible, take some time to clear your head so you can come back next year and kill the rest of your classes.

 

[Goro]

Depression is poorly treated on an anonymous internet message board. Get to your school's counseling center STAT!!!!

I'm mentally broken right now so this thread will be of a stressed premed - I know some people can have cold responses here but if you are one of them please save them for another time...

I'm... mentally broken. I studied every day for the month leading up to my genetics exam for so long, I got tutors, I went to office hours, I thought I knew everything needed for the exam and when I left that room I thought I got a 100. Then I receive my exam and... I get a 59. Based on my previous performance in the class I'm very likely getting a variation of a C. This is on top of 3 B-s that I've received in freshman year. My sGPA this semester will be around 3.1 - 3.2 and my cGPA will be around a 3.4.

People tell me that things will be better but I've been fighting depression for months. I hide my stress from my friends with a smile. My mother is the only one who listens to me. My sister, once my best friend, ignores everything I approach her with, even though I've been there for her in the past. My therapist ignores my emails for god knows why if I showed you my email chain/call history with him you'll see that it's not because I've annoyed him or anything. My parents have told me since I was a young teenager that I needed to be a specialized doctor to be successful to them. I can't even take them seriously anymore when now they say that medicine isn't my only option even after ingraining their idea of success into my head for so long. I just feel so. much. pressure.

I can go on. But I'll probably get berated on here by some people (I've been on here for a while so I know the personas around here). Who am I to you guys anyway.

 

[jamcat]

1. You're worth it. I don't know you so I can't comment on you as a person, but I do know that just by virtue of being, you have the potential to make significant contributions to this world, whatever that might look like 40 years from now.

2. Your priority right now should absolutely be getting a new therapist. A therapist that ignores emails from a patient desperately seeking help is not a therapist who can help you right now. It may take trying out a few people before you find somebody you click with, but please take action on this right away. Your depression is the lens through which you're viewing the world, and it is something you can work on right now.

3. Medical school is still a possibility, if that's what you truly want. If you want proof, go to the non-trad forum. There are plenty of doctors there who started out with lower GPAs than you.

4. That said, part of your journey as an undergrad and as a person is going to be figuring out what *you* really want from life. I can imagine how hard it is for you right now if your mom is the only person you can really open up to and her support seems to be conditional on you following the path she has proscribed. This is doubly difficult when you are depressed.

ALL of these things need to be talked through with somebody other than those of us on a message board. There is good, quality help out there. Although it's hard to see right now, you can get through this. Most colleges have some sort of a counseling or psychological services center, and you should really make an appointment with them immediately. If your current therapist is from there, just call the regular appointment number and just tell the receptionist that you need an appointment with a new therapist. It's really quite normal to have to try a few different therapists, so the receptionist won't bat an eye.

We're rooting for you.

 

[Mad Jack]

You have pushed yourself this far for the wrong reasons. People who go into medicine because of their parents tend to have trouble in medical school and residency, as they don't have the love for it that surviving four years of hell followed by 3-7 more year of hell requires. You should really re-evaluate what you truly want in life, and why you want it. Don't live your life for your parents, that's a sure path to misery.

Save yourself, please. Things will only get worse should you be admitted to medical school, as you'll be throwing away a decade of your life for a dream that isn't your own.

 

[brokendown]

I think you are creating a non-existing pressure on yourself. I know this advice may sound generic, but take a step back and look into what you are and what you are doing right now, not what you want to do in the future/think of the past.
So far the only real thing is that 59 on exam, the rest are just things you are coming up with because you are being toxic with yourself.

It's not just the 59. For the first two years of my life my parents constantly texted me things like I needed to get As on my classes for future success; that I needed to know what I wanted to do in life during before this year so that I don't "waste time wandering"; that I needed to pursue an MD; etc. I had entered university with intentions to go into medical school and even today I would be intrigued by the psychiatry field (... irony) but the extra pressure, existent or non-existent, has affected me throughout my entire time in college. And besides, how can I be a doctor if I can't even help myself.

I am calling the counseling services at my school to request a new therapist right now.

 

[Holmwood]

It's not just the 59. For the first two years of my life my parents constantly texted me things like I needed to get As on my classes for future success; that I needed to know what I wanted to do in life during before this year so that I don't "waste time wandering"; that I needed to pursue an MD; etc. I had entered university with intentions to go into medical school and even today I would be intrigued by the psychiatry field (... irony) but the extra pressure, existent or non-existent, has affected me throughout my entire time in college. And besides, how can I be a doctor if I can't even help myself.

I am calling the counseling services at my school to request a new therapist right now.

A 3.4 is salvageable for MD. You can easily bring it up to a cGPA 3.5-3.6 with better course selection, and easy upper division coursework (really take advantage of ratemyprofessor...). And even if you were stuck with a 3.4, you can still apply to MD with a decent MCAT score. And if you had a very average MCAT score, you'll still be competitive for DO schools. Not to mention the fact that DO schools honor retakes! Lastly, both MD/DO will do fine matching for psychiatry... it's not very competitive to match, despite it being high in demand. The overall message to take home is that even with your current little blip, medical school is still a very viable option for you. There's plenty of safety nets that you haven't wrecked yet.

Now, what I'm about to say is a matter of opinion. You should still seek professional advice if needed, but bear with me for now.

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Striving towards a good GPA and knowing what you want to do in life before forking over even more tuition money are all very good things. You should be happy that your parents were proactive in helping you succeed earlier. Plenty of people don't get the memo until later in life, when it's already too late. These people may resent their parents for not guiding them a bit more from the beginning.

I wouldn't say that your parents didn't have some role in the tremendous pressure you feel at the moment. However, I would think that most of this pressure is coming from the competitiveness of medical admissions. Medical admissions require that you exhibit high stats, excellent ECs/experiences, and a strong resolve to pursue one of the most stressful professions in existence. Don't blame your parents for the rigorousness and competitiveness of the medical admissions process.

Now, about your parents. You wanted to become a psychiatrist. You've told your parents this as well. Your parents know that this is your life goal, but probably feel that you may come to doubt yourself along the way because of your history of mental health. That is why your parents are egging and pressuring you... to keep you on track towards the life that YOU want. Though their methods may not be ideal, they are essentially supporting you, not antagonizing you.

In the end, you still want to be a psychiatrist. You still have the capability to be a psychiatrist. And your parents are willing to support you as best as they can. The question now is your resolve.


You've stated that you have to first help yourself before you can help patients. That is true. So this period of depression and how you will overcome it will come as a very valuable learning experience for your work in the future. Nothing speaks to your capabilities more than your personal experience, right?

 

[torshi]

Worse comes to worse you apply as a reapplicant with more experience

 

[brokendown]

I've called and my therapist apologized, we'll be meeting tomorrow.

I don't know what I can do anymore even if I pause the path to medicine. My coursework is all biology related, and my technical experience only involves research which I learned I don't like (bench and clinical). I have leadership experience in other activities but even so I have nowhere to turn and I feel like medicine is the only reasonable choice for me now. I feel like I've trapped myself to a horrible situation.

 

[jamcat]

I'm so glad to hear that you have a meeting set up. Your thoughts about your future are a good thing to mention to your therapist.

I'd challenge you to start to figure out what you would like to be doing, not based on what you've done in the past, but what you would like to do now and in the future. That's the first step, and the second step is figuring out how to get there. But know that the first step might take a while, and that's okay. Lots of people spend their 20s trying out new jobs before they eventually figure out what direction they want to take. This may not seem palatable to you right now, and it's certainly not a path you have to take; I just want you to know that it's never too late to switch directions, particularly at your age.

 

[Holmwood]

I've called and my therapist apologized, we'll be meeting tomorrow.

I don't know what I can do anymore even if I pause the path to medicine. My coursework is all biology related, and my technical experience only involves research which I learned I don't like (bench and clinical). I have leadership experience in other activities but even so I have nowhere to turn and I feel like medicine is the only reasonable choice for me now. I feel like I've trapped myself to a horrible situation.

MD isn't your only option. You've got PA, EMT, all SORTS of technician jobs, etc. Not to mention dental, which is by far one of the cushiest and most well paid of all medical professions. Medicine isn't your only option either. You can do forensics, biotech, environmental, etc. . .

With your biology major, you can pretty much go anywhere. Virtually any industry. Tremendous versatility. You can't say the same for any other major. The question is really about salary and whether it fits your long-term goals.

 

[brokendown]

Should I consider withdrawing from this semester and taking 5 Ws? Then maybe be a part-time student for a semester or two? I would definitely need to take gap years after I finish my degree I guess. Should I stick it out and pray that I get through everything ok?

 

[jl lin]

You are not trapped--especially since you are not in MS-res w/ MS debt yet. Even those people are not trapped;but you have to admit that it sucks to carry that debt load w/o having the financial potential to knock it out in ten years or less.

If you walk away from the aspiration of becoming a physician tomorrow, will you totally not regret it d/t a lack of intense desire to work as a physician? Are you even in a position, psychologically/emotionally, right now to make that determination? See your physician and/or therapist first and give yourself some time to work through some balanced reasoning for what you really feel and why. It's not wise to make big decisions when you feel like you are drowning in some serious blue funk. Take care of you first, and once you have sound psychological/emotional footing, than proceed with career deliberations.

 

[zero0]

Don't take the withdrawals unless you're absolutely sure they'll turn into D's/F's. Try to tough it out and preserve your academic record. You don't want to close any doors in case you change your mind in the future.

You sound a bit burned out on the idea of medicine. Maybe consider alternative programs like PA, podiatry, dentistry, NP, etc. if you're dead set on healthcare. Some of these programs will take a huge weight off your shoulder by giving you some leeway with your GPA.

 

[Dropbox1]

Do you have to take genetics? If it's required for your major, you can always switch to another major.

 

[ilaurenzv]

I don't know what I can do anymore even if I pause the path to medicine.

 

[bluebean]

Being stressful about medical school and grades are very normal. That's why freshman in college, 99% students want to go to medical school, but only few goes on. Just because you change your mind about medical school, it doesn't mean failure. It's just the difference in value you have. Is it worth it? or not.

Your academic concerns:

1. I've seen many people who got into U.S. MD school with low GPA.
2. Also there are DO options as well as foreign medical school options.
3. You could also consider dental school, pharmacy school, PA school.

Also, I think most depression has a reason/s behind it. Why don't you sit down and first figure out what's bothering you.
You should talk to your therapist, but here is my trick fighting off depressed feelings. Thankfully, our human brain is so simple you can't think about good stuff and feel bad. If you think about good and positive stuff, your mood will be good, and depression will go away. If you think about bad and negative stuff, your will get depressed. I use my will to simply say no to negative thoughts.

People say in 20's you can mess things up. However, I say 20's are meant to mess things up- as long it doesn't hurt you or others in common sense. The more mess you make, I think the stronger, deeper, better you become. I will pray for you but remember in the end, everything will work out fine. Don't worry, breath, run, take a shower, and think about all the positives of your life. Even the negative can become the positive depending on perspectives.

 

[Holmwood]

I don't know what I can do anymore even if I pause the path to medicine.

MD isn't your only option. You've got PA, EMT, all SORTS of technician jobs, etc. Not to mention dental, which is by far one of the cushiest and most well paid of all medical professions. Medicine isn't your only option either. You can do forensics, biotech, environmental, etc. . .

With your biology major, you can pretty much go anywhere. Virtually any industry. Tremendous versatility. You can't say the same for any other major. The question is really about salary and whether it fits your long-term goals.

 

[imgdra97]

Hey buddy, I'm sure things look pretty bleak for you right now, but they don't have to be man. Life is far from just grade point averages and becoming a successful doctor. Take a second buddy, think about what's important to you. I can empathize with how you feel pressured from your parents. I definitely felt the same way throughout college. But I'm telling you, there's a lot more to success than one path. If I didn't pursue medicine, I would try my hand at entrepreneurship or maybe even just work for a nonprofit for a couple years. They're all good options. I don't think college should be all about acing all your classes and jumping through the pre med hoops. I think it should be about developing as a person, finding what you want in life, your motivations, and having fun.

Try not to sweat it as much buddy. If you need someone to talk to, hit me up.

 

[brokendown]

Update: I've met with my therapist again, he apologized again and we talked about my situation. I have also just met my academic advisor, and both of them said that taking a leave of absence is best for me.

Therefore, I have until tomorrow morning to officially take a leave of absence and figure out my life again and I'm strongly leaning towards taking it. I understand that I'll be taking 4.5 classes worth of Ws (no Fs) but healing myself is worlds more important than some grades, as much as the med school admissions game is a numbers game. My current plan for next semester is to work part-time, volunteer/shadow, and maybe take one or two classes in a community college/state school just so don't become rusty academically and at least have an avenue to continue an education without it killing me. I guess I'll go grow up now.

 

[user12]

I truly hope everything works out for you. I know genetics is pretty hard and ive gone through the same thing of studying every day for an exam only to perform worse than I expected. just tough it out for a couple more days and remember the holidays are right around the corner. things will get better.

 

[secondroundpremed]

Ultimately, is this depression based on your perception of your intelligence or is external factors that are depressing you? I know many people who get depressed over their perceived intelligence while doing pre-med and it can turn into a vicious cycle.