Losing Confidence - Losing Motivation - Not doing well

[Geekman55]

I apologize if this comes off as a big rant, but hopefully someone is either in the same situation or has gone through this before.

I am in my late 20's currently working full-time as an engineer and made the decision a little over a year ago to try for med school. In the Fall I got a B+ in Molecular Bio and in the Spring I got an A in Genetics. Over the summer I took two community college courses and got A's in both Sociology and Psychology. I am currently taking a big workload with Organic Chem and lab (5 credits) plus working a full-time job and volunteering 4 hours at a hospital on Saturdays. In the Spring I will take my last class Biochemistry and start studying for the Spring MCAT.

I'm not sure if I'm getting the best volunteer experience to aid me in deciding if Med school is really what I want to do. I volunteer in the SICU and I go room to room and restock supply carts in the patient rooms. I get to see a lot of sick people, but I don't interact with the doctors and I don't get to see many operations or procedures. I am not sure if this is typical of a volunteer experience. I feel like I am making an impact though because they really do need someone to do this. I have been considering trying to change into another department. It doesn't help that I really want to get into Psychiatry, Cardiology, or Endocrinology.

Anyway, I guess what sparked this post is I am really starting to wonder if doing med school is the right move for me. I really just want to do Psychiatry and I'm having many doubts. Doubts that I may not get accepted due to grades/scores (3-3.2ish GPA), doubts that I may not be able to handle the blood/gore of med school despite just wanting to do Psychiatry, doubts of if this is really what I'm passionate about and if it is what will make me happy.

I also have been struggling in Organic Chemistry. I haven't been reading the book and I haven't been studying much. This was self-evident in my first exam where I scored a lousy 62. The average was 82 and the test wasn't really that hard, I just didn't study much for it. There are many reasons that I didn't study, but some of it is exhaustion from all that is going on right now, some is my job (I feel like I've been putting in 50-60 hrs easily) and some is having these doubts that this is what I really want to do.

I am debating on whether I should drop my class and take the W and 60% tuition hit, or if I should hit the books hard and bounce back with a B+ or A- or maybe even an A if I kill the last 2 tests + final. I am struggling to find the motivation to do this. I am also struggling with video game addiction. I play a lot of video games and I can't seem to stop. This is a real issue. I think I play the games because it helps me escape the reality of my life and having to make decisions.

Sorry for the long winded post, but I hope someone can relate or even possibly offer some advice.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[704]

I say box up the games, delete them from computer, etc. After that put it somewhere or give it to someone so that you wont have access to it. Not to be blunt but the choice of not playing videogames for a couple months or taking a W and a 60% tuition hint seems pretty obvious. Think about how much time you could study with the time you spent gaming.

 

[Geekman55]

I say box up the games, delete them from computer, etc. After that put it somewhere or give it to someone so that you wont have access to it. Not to be blunt but the choice of not playing videogames for a couple months or taking a W and a 60% tuition hint seems pretty obvious. Think about how much time you could study with the time you spent gaming.

I almost feel like I've already sabotaged my Org Chem grade so it is going to be next to impossible to get an A. I did the same with my B+ in molecular bio, but it wasn't because of video games but it was because of work. Honestly, I think games is only part of it. Work pretty much prevented me from studying for this past test. Sure the occasional game did not help. I've been running off of 4 hrs of sleep on some nights. Maybe I will be prepared for medical school, lol.

I feel like games are the only thing that give me a brief break and some enjoyment. Putting in 12-14 hour days every single day of grinding is starting to wear me down. I guess I've been doing this for a while. I have a masters in engineering too, and I went through a rigorous training program at work that lasted 2 years as well. I am used to having no life and I go through these stints of lack of motivation and doing poorly.

I did uninstall the game I have been playing about a week ago, but then I found myself feeling stressed and installed it again to play a few games and relax. Where is my willpower...ugh. Feels hopeless at this point.

 

[704]

I am used to having no life and I go through these stints of lack of motivation and doing poorly.

Try to do what usually gets you out of these slumps. The working 60 hours a week thing must suck. I could not imagine. I hope everything turns around.

 

[Geekman55]

Try to do what usually gets you out of these slumps. The working 60 hours a week thing must suck. I could not imagine. I hope everything turns around.

Thanks for the comment/support. I am trying to figure that out I guess. A part of me wants to give up...a part of me thinks the only way this turns around is if I somehow beat this addiction and find joy in the grind again. I need to find it fast if I intend to start my MCAT studying in January!

The test really hit me hard this morning and I am trying to make sense of what I've done to this point. I thought I'd get a 70 or 80 on it and then get into gear. Now I have a much taller climb.

 

[Dral]

Look into a PsyD as an option.

 

[NikkiMD123]

I was glad to see that someone else seemed to be struggling or feeling unconfident as I have been too.
I am non traditional student but haven't been as successful in life as you are, as an engineer.
I do know that if you don't know if you want this, then it probably isn't the life for you. Are you feeling you don't want it because you are questioning if you can succeed or you truly don't know if this is what you want?
I scour the boards to try and find people who are struggling like I am, LOW gpa, not even in the 3's right now, I made a lot of mistakes when I first started school, and already have a family with two kids and still have quite a few classes to take, but I also work. You are doing more then most people are and that is something that can help you in the end. YOu are already juggling a full plate. I agree at looking into PsyD as an option, or even getting your Phd in Psych. If you question if you want this, then it probably isn't for you but that doesn't mean that you can't still become a doctor in your own way. Goodluck

 

[ChE04]

If you are losing motivation as a pre-med, please do remember that med school will be much more information to learn in a much shorter time. While you won't have a full time job to worry about, you still will need to spend (significantly more) hours alone with your books, which isn't any more exciting in med school than undergrad. Even clinical years require significant book studying, despite being in the hospital all day. Not trying to be a downer here, but please keep this in mind as you decide whether or not to move forward. Good luck.

 

[Thumpthump]

As far as continuing the pursuit of medicine or not, I don't know what to tell you. What I will tell you is if there is a chance you want to continue, or if you are not certain you don't want to continue, don't take the W. A couple months of suck now is better than what it will take to negate the W in the future.

I am not trying to endorse a minimal effort, but if you can hit the class average without too much extra stress you could probably land a C+ or B- which would be much less detrimental.

 

[Stagg737]

No matter what path you take, if you feel that video game addiction is a problem, your first step is to get that under control. Like 704 said, boxing it up and putting it away for a while may suck horribly in the short term (withdrawal is tough, no matter what the addiction), but in the long term if will help you be more productive. There are plenty of alcoholics who do exactly what you did, saying "just one drink" won't hurt and completely fall off the bandwagon.

It sounds like you're doing a lot, but try and find something other than videogames that will help you de-stress. Another option is to set a strict time limit, and follow it. Even if you're in the middle of a game, when the time runs out, stop. If you find yourself unable to do that and feel out of control, it's time to give it up. At least until you can manage yourself better. Before med school I had 2 jobs where I worked around 45-55 hrs/week, volunteered, and played a sport at a highly competitive level (to the point where it was a major commitment and more than just 'fun'). I understand how tough it can be, but imo med school is tougher, just because it's a grind every day and it can get very repetitive.

For now, take care of the addiction if that's what it actually is, focus on your current grades, and then sit down and take a real look at whether you think it's worth it. Keep in mind, that a lot of the classes (like orgo) are covered very minimally in medical school. So if it's one of the few classes you really don't like, I wouldn't get too discouraged. If you find yourself hating things like anatomy or physiology, it will be a bigger problem. However, try not to put too much weight on how you feel about a single class and just focus on killing it while you can.

Good luck, OP. Hope you get everything figured out.

 

[Ad2b]

Oh boy, video game addiction. That's a tough one and not many people really understand why something with pixels and fantasy can suck one into the never ending "fun" or camaraderie (I play WoW; end game raider, top ... well, I'm good. one of the few things I'll own).

My ex bf got me started with EQ. He was truly addicted to the game; held a high-end IT job with one of the country's largest retailers; and would shake if he couldn't play. He'd skip work, skip eating, turned into a nightmare if he could not play, stayed up all night... you know the type. He never got over it.

I play WoW to relax as well, but am able to log out and leave for days at a time, or hours, or months. During my dark years, I'd just fish or pluck herbs. I get it. That's the only reason I posted the above. I'm also a non-trad, older than every other premed I know (the other two have since matriculated). My path has been strewn with lack of confidence, lack of self esteem, financial brutality, fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD).

So, here goes:

1) your volunteerism is fine; volunteering should be "who you are" not what you do to check a box on an AMCAS application; find something that you like. Volunteering without the true inner sense of purpose is just a check box and becomes devalued.

When things were really bad for me, I volunteered at a PATH certified horse center. People with varying degrees of disability go there; my first day, I was put with a little shaver that ... and my heart was happy. Pure, unadulterated joy. I kept going; it became my reprieve from the reality of my days and focused me back on my purpose.

2) when you get the itch to reinstall (Diablo? WoW? please don't say EQ), go outside. Physically. Leave the house. Go to a movie. Have a plan. It's going to be tough. You're going to have a bad day in orgo again and want to play. Go outside, leave the house, rinse/repeat.

3) instead of focusing on what you are NOT doing, try this:

• Name 5 things you can see; right now. Say them out loud, to yourself lest someone think your nutters!
• Name 4 things you can touch. right now. Say them out loud...
• Name 3 things you can hear. right now....
• Name 2 things you can smell.
• Name 1 thing you can taste.

Keep doing that, as you're leaving the house and leaving the anxiety of whatever it is that video games absolves.

4) find shadowing opportunities; volunteering doesn't generally engage the physician but shadowing does... plus, I bet if you do that, you'll figure out quickly if its something you really want to do vs. checking a box.

I wish you the best of luck on figuring this out. And never doubt that you will.

Ad2b