Married in med school

This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.

ciestar

All grown up!
10+ Year Member
Joined
Sep 18, 2013
Messages
8,173
Reaction score
11,605
This is out of curiosity here...does being married put you at any disadvantage while trying to make friends while in med school? (I noticed that, in some situations, that some people disappear once youre in a serious relationship..).

This sounds so stupid but yeah...advice? I suck at making friends in general, so help there too?

Members don't see this ad.
 
You make friends but you are often home with a spouse instead of painting the town red with single classmates. It's different, it's not jail
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2 users
I think it's school to school, but I know from working with some of the UWSOM students that there is a very strong support system for spouses, and they often do things together while their sig others are working/studying/etc. My mentor from a few years ago was married with kids, and they had weekly get togethers for the spouses, and generally provided resources to keep everyone mentally healthy.
 
Members don't see this ad :)
I think it's school to school, but I know from working with some of the UWSOM students that there is a very strong support system for spouses, and they often do things together while their sig others are working/studying/etc. My mentor from a few years ago was married with kids, and they had weekly get togethers for the spouses, and generally provided resources to keep everyone mentally healthy.

That's awesome! I hope wherever I end up has a similar group for my husband.
 
it also depends on where you are in your relationship. If you are in that annoying newlywed "lets do everything together forever always, kisses" you probably will avoid hanging out with friends away from your spouse. But if you have been married long enough to hate each other, you can have a great life with other friends away from the ball and chain.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2 users
This is out of curiosity here...does being married put you at any disadvantage while trying to make friends while in med school? (I noticed that, in some situations, that some people disappear once youre in a serious relationship..).

This sounds so stupid but yeah...advice? I suck at making friends in general, so help there too?

Being married puts you at a disadvantage for making friends pretty in general. It has nothing to do with med school. If you're married or in a serious long term relationship equivalent, it will be difficult to leave your spouse alone to go hang out with your new "friends." You also are pretty much restricted to only making friends of your own sex for obvious reasons. So what generally ends up happening is that couples make friends with other couples. Forming close, real friendships with single individuals while you are married is not common. And what happens in med school is that the "friends" you make are people you talk to while in school and occasionally meet up with in very large group settings that you bring your spouse to. And almost invariably lose regular contact with after graduation.

So to answer your question, no, there is nothing particularly different about making friends while married in med school vs. in any other environment while married. If anything, you will be exposed to more people. Try making friends when you're married and in residency. LOL, sorry spouse, I know I've only seen you 5 hours this week, but I met this really cool dude and we're gonna go fishing and drink beers on my day off.

Plenty has been written about the difficulties of friendship after college and into your 30s and 40s. Do a google search.
 
Being married puts you at a disadvantage for making friends pretty in general. It has nothing to do with med school. If you're married or in a serious long term relationship equivalent, it will be difficult to leave your spouse alone to go hang out with your new "friends." You also are pretty much restricted to only making friends of your own sex for obvious reasons. So what generally ends up happening is that couples make friends with other couples. Forming close, real friendships with single individuals while you are married is not common. And what happens in med school is that the "friends" you make are people you talk to while in school and occasionally meet up with in very large group settings that you bring your spouse to. And almost invariably lose regular contact with after graduation.

So to answer your question, no, there is nothing particularly different about making friends while married in med school vs. in any other environment while married. If anything, you will be exposed to more people. Try making friends when you're married and in residency. LOL, sorry spouse, I know I've only seen you 5 hours this week, but I met this really cool dude and we're gonna go fishing and drink beers on my day off.

Plenty has been written about the difficulties of friendship after college and into your 30s and 40s. Do a google search.

See, this makes me sad. I was that stupid girl in undergrad who found a guy and basically gave up all other social interaction for said guy. Thankfully, we're still together, but unfortunately, I made only one lasting friendship in my entirety of undergrad. I was really hoping this was my chance to "start over" in the friend making department. I realize how important friends in your class are as a support network to get you through med school and I kinda loathe the fact that my long standing relationship could ruin that for me, again.
 
I didn't make many friends in law school, because my classmates were generally insufferable douches. But I've made tons of friends (same and opposite sex) since graduating. Most of them are not lawyers, but rather people I've met through my various other interests, like theater, volunteering, and hanging out at dive bars. So I think it probably depends on the school, your personality, and your spouse. My husband and I have been married for ten years, and were together for five before that, so we pretty much do our own things now and don't feel any compelling urge to spend all of our time together. I'm a friendly person, and I'm not shy, so I make friends pretty much everywhere I go. I have no reason to believe med school won't be the same, unless I am, again, surrounded by insufferable douches.
 
In all honesty, it isn't a big disadvantage, it is just different. I enjoy spending time with my wife so I want her with me. If it is me and a couple med school friends, she doesn't have anyone to talk to because she can't understand what we are talking about and she feels like she is tagging along. So in order for her to have fun, I try to find couples in a similar situation of one of them outside of medicine. Well now we both have to like both of them, otherwise it is the same problem. And my wife is great about letting me go out with my friends, however when I am gone all week, I have compunction about ditching her all Friday night as well. And I know that most couples feel this way, so finding a date where everyone lines up makes it hard.

And I have numerous friends that are females, however I am limited to hanging with them in groups, whereas I can go hang with a guy friend all night without concern.
 
See, this makes me sad. I was that stupid girl in undergrad who found a guy and basically gave up all other social interaction for said guy. Thankfully, we're still together, but unfortunately, I made only one lasting friendship in my entirety of undergrad. I was really hoping this was my chance to "start over" in the friend making department. I realize how important friends in your class are as a support network to get you through med school and I kinda loathe the fact that my long standing relationship could ruin that for me, again.

You shouldn't be too sad about it. It is true that the most lasting friendships are made in your early 20s because you have the prerequisites required for developing such friendships: being around many people your same age doing the same thing as you with loads of free time and no other life commitments. Once these prerequisites are no longer true (usually right after college is over), this becomes exponentially more difficult. So everybody gets to that point eventually where it's hard to make friends and have an active social life whether they get married or not because the pool of available people to be friends with and available free time to interact with them dwindles rapidly as you approach and cross into your 4th decade. There are a lot of things I regret missing out on in my early 20s too, because they were things that were only available at that time and I'll never have the opportunity to do ever again, so I feel you. But your husband will be there for you for the rest of your life. So resist the urge to take it out on him, because then you really will be alone. If things ever get really bad, therapists can be great at helping work out issues like this. But hopefully you will get the social interaction you need in med school and your husband will be on board. You just need to be realistic that it's not going to be like you're 18 and a in a freshman dorm again surrounded by people to interact with socially 24/7 with nothing to hold you back. Even if you were single that wouldn't be true.
 
unless I am, again, surrounded by insufferable douches.

Med school is very clique-y. There will undoubtedly be the insufferable douche clique. There will the quiet nerd, usually md/phd clique. The pre-ortho clique. The skinny blonde girl clique, the foreign Asian student clique. The married-with-4-children-and-religious clique. The just-finished-college-but-still-parties-at-frats clique. There are loners who avoid everybody. But there's also a decent number of people that try to be friends with everybody. My advice would be to try and be in this last group.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
Being married puts you at a disadvantage for making friends pretty in general. It has nothing to do with med school. If you're married or in a serious long term relationship equivalent, it will be difficult to leave your spouse alone to go hang out with your new "friends." You also are pretty much restricted to only making friends of your own sex for obvious reasons. So what generally ends up happening is that couples make friends with other couples. Forming close, real friendships with single individuals while you are married is not common. And what happens in med school is that the "friends" you make are people you talk to while in school and occasionally meet up with in very large group settings that you bring your spouse to. And almost invariably lose regular contact with after graduation.

So to answer your question, no, there is nothing particularly different about making friends while married in med school vs. in any other environment while married. If anything, you will be exposed to more people. Try making friends when you're married and in residency. LOL, sorry spouse, I know I've only seen you 5 hours this week, but I met this really cool dude and we're gonna go fishing and drink beers on my day off.

Plenty has been written about the difficulties of friendship after college and into your 30s and 40s. Do a google search.
This sounds so antiquated and ridiculous to me. I am married, I have friends all through my class (gasp I am friends with men and women!) and I just act like an adult. I get advice, hang out, and enjoy spending time with my friends. I also go home every night to my husband and we both feel loved and complete. My husband and I have been together for long enough that we don't feel insecure and we know we will continue to choose each other. He and I understand that we have to give space to fulfill our social needs with others as well as with eachother. With my friends at school (and not at school), I hang out with people who understand I am married and not interested in sexual relations with them or anyone not my husband (we are monogamous but I acknowledge that not everyone is so just do whatever works for you two). I have friends who are married, and sometimes I have never met their spouse and/or they have never met mine. I also have friends who are single, because my timeline doesn't have to line up with anyone else's! Come on people, we are adults in adult relationships. You will have the opportunity to meet many new people and just like the rest of life, you have the potential to make some new friends. Be open and invest time in others and they will invest time in you. (either that or I really do have a way cooler class than everyone else!!)
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users
Top