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Midnight rambling and new lessons in life

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by neurona, 09.30.04.

  1. neurona

    neurona NEURONA

    Joined:
    08.05.04
    Messages:
    11
    Location:
    Long Beach
    SDN 5+ Year Member

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    Hello All,

    I am an MPH dating an MS3. I'm 23. I finished my undergrad in 2003 and took a year off to do research before starting the MPH. During the year off I met my current boyfriend. I met him during his 2nd year, watched him go through boards, and am now am seeing him go through rotations. I can say he is the love of my life and the man I want to be with for a long long time. Little by little I'm learning, though, that just because he's a med student and super stressed out (especially this week) doesn't mean that I have to be stressed out with him. RIGHT?? What a concept!!! My first day of class is this Friday... and aside from salsa dancing on Sunday with my sister and a brake change on Saturday morning, I have no other set plan for the weekend. And I live in sunny L.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My bf's weekend is packed with a residency conference, visiting his family, etc., but for SOME reason, the whole week I've felt like my weekend is packed, too. BUT IT'S NOT! I go to sleep at night wondering about other ways I could find more info about residency for him and ways I could make his MBA vs. MPH decision easier. However, it just dawned on me that I picked my own career and that I should worry more about my own endeavors rather than living bicariously through him. The reason I never went to med school was because of the lifestyle. I'm very much family oriented and I want to be a great mom and wife when I get older (while also having a 9-5 job that can help poor and bring me professional and intellectual satisfaction). However, sometimes I feel like the whole "med school" thing and his issues are a greater priority to me than my own career. I need to stop and live my own life while still being his best friend and acting as a source of love and support for him. WOW! I feel myself growing as I write. Perhaps it's OK to watch THE PRICE IS RIGHT tomorrow morning without feeling any stress. Perhaps it is okay to sleep early or to have nights to myself sometimes. Maybe this would even enhance the relationship, no? Like, I'd feel less of a heaviness to my heart when I sleep at night. Ove the months, I've neglected my guitar or my salsa dancing...perhaps I should pick that up again. Tomorrow is my first full day off after a year of working...so I'm going lap swimming no matter what! YEY! I know I'm going off on tangents, but this is all midnight rambling in stream of consciousness.

    I'f you've read this far, thank you. Thank you ALL for sharing your thoughts in this forum and for helping me see the med student life in a different way.

    I have a question (which may need a whole new thread)...but just out of curiosity, why am I getting really interested in engagement rings all of a sudden? And when is it okay to think about marriage? According to my mom. sister, and boyfriend, now is a terrible time because I'm too young (23). However, a small part of me is feeling a calling toward engaged life and toward moving in with the "one." I haven't really talked about this in detail with anyone. I'd feel too guilty that I'm doing the "wrong" thing. Any advice would help.
  2. alison_in_oh

    alison_in_oh Senior Member

    Joined:
    09.09.04
    Messages:
    163
    SDN 7+ Year Member
    Kudos for your healthy outlook! Life as the significant other of someone in demanding medical training isn't easy, but I think if you can be your own strong woman you can get yourself AND your fella through it. :)

    While I don't think 23 is too early to be thinking about the long-term (I was married at 23!) you do need to let your relationship unfold at its own pace. If he's not comfortable talking marriage now, don't push him. Dream your dreams of some day being Dr. and Mrs., but don't rule out the dreams that don't necessarily involve him. :) Life your life, love your fella, and be you. And don't worry about what anyone else thinks about your age or how old your relationship is or anything else. The decision to move in, to commit, to marry is one that should be made between the two of you. Nobody else's input is even a smidge as important as y'all's. :)
  3. jennie 21

    jennie 21 Senior Member

    Joined:
    01.08.03
    Messages:
    434
    Location:
    Princeton
    SDN 7+ Year Member
    I don't think 23 is too young to be thinking about engagement/marriage. I was recently married at 22, and many of my MS2 classmates are married, engaged, or soon will be. On the other hand, you've only been dating your BF for about a year, right? That might be a little soon in the relationship to be seriously talking about getting engaged, IMO. I think it's better to date 2-3 years first, let the infatuation of new love wear off a bit and get to really know the person on a deeper level, but that's just my opinion. Everyone has their own timelines. Many people marry quickly and it works out well; others date for years and years before marriage and end up divorcing. You can't really put strict timelines on something so individual. You'll know when the time is right. I wouldn't worry too much about what your mom or sister have to say about your age, but if they have other concerns--like they don't like certain things about your boyfriend--I would listen very carefully to those. Sometimes the people we love notice things about our partners that we don't see, because we're blinded by love. If your family and close friends like your BF, that's a good sign. However, if your BF is saying you're too young at 23 to be thinking about marriage, I'd take that as a sign that he's not ready to be thinking about it. Maybe he feels too young himself, maybe he wants to wait until he's out of school (lots of med students feel that way), maybe it's just too soon in the relationship for him to be considering it. Either way, I wouldn't push things. As much as I know how hard it is to wait, be patient and let him get there on his own timeframe. If you don't push him on the whole marriage thing, then you'll know, when he proposes, that it's because he WANTS to, because he's ready and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, not because you pushed him into it. And that's a much better feeling and a much better foundation for a marriage.

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