Moving with significant other... do you live together? Or not?

[ConsultantMD]

Question for all you out there who are maybe in this position. I am going to be a medical student next year and my significant other has decided to move with me. I'm curious about how to deal with the living situation. I don't want to limit myself by living alone with my SO, but I also don't want to impose on other med students to have them live with us because that could be weird.

How have others done it, is living separately (even after years of living together) a possibility? It'd probably be a new town for both of us, so would living apart for a year give us the space to make our new lives? Or could that be a bad thing? I don't know, just looking for some ideas on here about it. Thanks in advance!

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[YourMD]

This should be interesting. Subbed!

 

[yetanotherusername]

I think this is an odd question... Are you guys not serious enough that not living together is an option after your SO moves to who knows where with you? What did your SO say when you brought this up?

 

[ConsultantMD]

I think this is an odd question... Are you guys not serious enough that not living together is an option after your SO moves to who knows where with you? What did your SO say when you brought this up?

I haven't brought this up yet. I mean we have lived together for 2 years and I know it would work out, but at the same time, I'd want to live with other medical students and not limit myself socially. Does that part make sense? I feel like if it were just us together I might be isolating myself to the other medical students and miss out on opportunities. Maybe I'm making that up, but I feel like I'd want to live with other medical students. It's not about seriousness or not, it's about settling into a new area and building roots/networking/connections.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

I haven't brought this up yet. I mean we have lived together for 2 years and I know it would work out, but at the same time, I'd want to live with other medical students and not limit myself socially. Does that part make sense? I feel like if it were just us together I might be isolating myself to the other medical students and miss out on opportunities. Maybe I'm making that up, but I feel like I'd want to live with other medical students. It's not about seriousness or not, it's about settling into a new area and building roots/networking/connections.

There a a billion ways to do that besides living with people. Do you think that everyone else in the world who lives with just their SO (i.e. pretty much every couple there is) is limiting themselves socially? I don't understand your thought process. You make friends, connections, etc by going OUT.

 

[ConsultantMD]

There a a billion ways to do that besides living with people. Do you think that everyone else in the world who lives with just their SO (i.e. pretty much every couple there is) is limiting themselves socially? I don't understand your thought process. You make friends, connections, etc by going OUT.

Ok wow really defensive group here I am not trying to offend anyone so please turn the flamethrower off. I said I wanted to live with med students for the social aspects of which there are several. I just don't know of that would be awkward for those potential roommates if we were living together. Also I'm wondering if my SO would feel overwhelmed with med school people and might not just want space. Also I don't know the timing of the move like if we'd move together or not because of the process of finding a job. Sorry again for pushing buttons.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Ok wow really defensive group here I am not trying to offend anyone so please turn the flamethrower off. I said I wanted to live with med students for the social aspects of which there are several. I just don't know of that would be awkward for those potential roommates if we were living together. Also I'm wondering if my SO would feel overwhelmed with med school people and might not just want space. Also I don't know the timing of the move like if we'd move together or not because of the process of finding a job. Sorry again for pushing buttons.

? I wasn't flaming. I was trying to understand your thought process. Jeez, you're sensitive.

1) You won't know if it will be awkward for potential roommates until you ask them

2) You won't know how your SO will feel until you ask him.

All of this can be solved via communication.

What are these social aspects that can only be provided to you by people living with you rather than people in the outside world/work/school etc? I mean, I get that you want to and I respect that. I just find it odd that you feel that living with just one other person limits you socially and would make it harder to connect with people.

 

[ConsultantMD]

? I wasn't flaming. I was trying to understand your thought process. Jeez, you're sensitive.

1) You won't know if it will be awkward for potential roommates until you ask them

2) You won't know how your SO will feel until you ask him.

All of this can be solved via communication.

What are these social aspects that can only be provided to you by people living with you rather than people in the outside world/work/school etc? I mean, I get that you want to and I respect that. I just find it odd that you feel that living with just one other person limits you socially and would make it harder to connect with people.

I thought your over-exaggerated use of words like "a billion" and the use of "i.e." plus the bolding of my post came off as a little harsh for my question, this is why I hate the internet/forums.

Your points are valid, I'm projecting what I would think I guess. I just feel like living with the people you're studying with would be a beneficial experience, like a rite of passage. Looking back at college and the people I still keep in touch with, those are the people that I lived with primarily, so I feel like there is something special about that, I don't know. I think he'd be open to it, but I was opening this topic up for discussion to see if anyone has gone down this path before or not. I'm looking for feedback from people who actually have this experience or have had this conversation come up. Thanks!

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

I thought your over-exaggerated use of words like "a billion" and the use of "i.e." plus the bolding of my post came off as a little harsh for my question, this is why I hate the internet/forums.

Your points are valid, I'm projecting what I would think I guess. I just feel like living with the people you're studying with would be a beneficial experience, like a rite of passage. Looking back at college and the people I still keep in touch with, those are the people that I lived with primarily, so I feel like there is something special about that, I don't know. I think he'd be open to it, but I was opening this topic up for discussion to see if anyone has gone down this path before or not. I'm looking for feedback from people who actually have this experience or have had this conversation come up. Thanks!

I normally bold parts of posts if I want people to know what part of their post I am referencing. It's meant as a highlighting tool. How is the use of "i.e." harsh? Anyways, no matter.

Actually, may I provide a contrary opinion - I think living with students in the same program as you actually limits you MORE. Because these people are having the exact same experiences as you. You run the risk of constantly being surrounded by school (i.e. "talking shop" all the time). Living with the people I would see in class and study with every day sounds awful to me - you'd be constantly surrounded by and reminded of school/work and unable to escape.

You'll be spending enough time with your classmates in classes, studying, labs, clinics, etc....trust me, you'll be sick of them You want your home to be a place to escape and relax to avoid burnout.

tl;dr: If you want to live with other people, I suggest it not be classmates. You'l be exposed to a wider variety of people that way anyway.

 

[YourMD]

All valid points. For me this is more of "being completely focused" issue. We're home bodies, We have two dogs and love to cook and watch movies together. I believe It will be really hard for my SO to adjust to me not having any free time. So living apart would be the best option IMHO!

 

[ConsultantMD]

All valid points. For me this is more of "being completely focused" issue. We're home bodies, We have two dogs and love to cook and watch movies together. I believe It will be really hard for my SO to adjust to me not having any free time. So living apart would be the best option IMHO!

It is tough to get used to. I did a post bacc and we acclimated to my new priorities and I did well but not without struggles here and there.

 

[YourMD]

I could only imagine. Considering that you've been through this and you still have concerns about living together. I believe it's probably best to follow your gut and live apart, at least for the first year. What postbacc did you complete? Were you accepted to that school?

 

[db4277]

Right now I'm finishing my masters degree and I live with a couple. They are both working on PhDs, but in different areas. We split a three bedroom apartment; they use the extra bedroom as an office.

It's surprisingly not awkward at all.

Having roommates is kind of an awkward thing in general: you're sharing your personal space with other people. If you regard yourself and your SO as good roommates and non-awkward folks, then you'll probably have luck renting a place with other non-awkward folks.

 

[jakeislove]

Might be a great idea to communicate your idea of an ideal living situation before SO makes any career or job changes.

 

[UBC2014]

So your SO is willing to move away with you to a completely new place for your school, and you're worried about isoalting yourself by living with him/her?

Am I missing something? You do realize, you will have all your med student friends at school, and will have a 1000x easier time making friends and socializing just by the very nature of being apart of a 100+ group of classmates who you will spend most of your time with.

Your SO will have you, and hopefully if they are able to find a new job etc, some work friends, and can get involved etc to meet people - but definitely way harder than the standard student-classmate situation.

You need to tell your SO your thoughts now, before they drastically change their life for you. It doesnt really make sense though, since you've said you've lived with them for 2 years, while going to school. Why would you suddenly want to change? Is their a deeper issue here? Be honest with yourself. Most of your time outside of class will probably be studying and socializing anyways, and wouldn't it be nice to come home to your SO?

I am not judging, just honestly very confused on your approach and thought process.

 

[ConsultantMD]

Thanks all for the feedback but I'm set on living together. There may also be a timing issue of when the move will happen vs. when I start school. This is a huge change! I'm so grateful! Just a little anxious!

 

[NotAnOperator]

I've lived with my wife for about a year, spent about 2 years apart, and I had a roommate for about 6 months and she lived with us for about half of those 6 months. I currently live alone and she lives 1,000 miles away.
For what it's worth, throughout all the different living situation we've had, I'd kill to live with her. Missing your SO during stressful times really sucks. The support is always there but the support structure is much stronger when there is a physical connection (in my opinion).
I say if your SO is willing to follow you to med school and she's not sacrificing her goals and dreams, live with her.
Companionship is invaluable, whether you have roommates or not.

 

[AspiringERMD]

My close friend is an M1 right now, and he lives just off campus with his boyfriend in a co-op with a number of other people. Some of the others are med students, some are not. Some of the others are in a relationship, some are not. I stayed with them when I interviewed, and it seemed like my friend has a nice balance of privacy with his SO and social time with other people.