My SO is not proactive and it's driving me nuts.

[cokeisbetter]

I'm a "Type A" personality who is very self-driven and my SO seems a lot more... "laid back." He's been pre-med since day 1 of college and as a senior he doesn't have many of the "boxes" checked. I don't know what gives since he's been told time and again by friends and advisors what is needed to be competitive applicant. I am very worried he won't be able to get in this year, especially since he has not been committed to applying early, even though I have stressed out the importance of submitting everything ASAP many times.

I don't know what to do as I'm tired of nudging him to apply for jobs or get more involved in something that interests him to no avail. I want him to have a strong application so that we won't be forced to do long-distance for the next three years, but honestly at this point I'm really tired of mothering him about things he should do on his own and of being such a control freak; however, I fear that if I don't push him to try more things, he is just going to let things fall by the wayside and hurt his future. What should I do? How do I motivate him or prevent myself from being so pushy?

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[kaprincess247]

You are not his mother. You are his partner. Your job is not to micromanage him, but to support him. You cannot control his decisions or the direction he wants to take with his future.

I am a very "Type A" personality and my fiancé is very laid back. Early in dating I had to decide whether or not that was a deal breaker. He has goals and drive towards a future career, but his own way of getting there. It may not be the way/path I would have chosen to do it, but ultimately it's not my path, it's his. He supports me in my decisions and career pursuits without judgement and I give him equal respect in his.

It sounds like you may be in a similar position. Is his laid back personality a deal breaker? If so, cut it and move on to someone who better matches the way you pursue a goal. If not, back off and respect the decisions he's making even if that includes going to a medical school further away from you OR not going at all and taking a year or more to pursue something else.

It's hard, but to be truly supportive you have to take a step back and allow your partner to figure out what is ideal for HIM instead of ideal for YOU. Listen, be a sounding board for ideas, give him advice ONLY when he asks for it. And if he's not asking for it, bite your tongue and ask him what his plans/ideas/thoughts/feelings are. Then really listen to his answers instead of panicking that he is messing up his future.

 

[LanaPeters]

Make sure that your own actions and behavior reflect the expectations you have for him. I don't want to unfairly stereotype but in my experience men are competitive and are motivated by doing rather than saying.

For instance, my own husband aggressively started working on his own abs about 12 weeks after I started working on mine.

Relationships are all different, but I would recommend making sure that your own behavior and strategies match the expectations you have for him, and that what you're doing is effective. I do not mean to offend by suggesting this!

 

[el_duderino]

You can't make someone else want something.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Honestly, you sound like a horrendous nag.

You are voluntarily trying to micromanage him. You say you don't want to be his mom, but who is putting you in that position? YOU are! So honestly, you have no right to complain about it.

He may be a bit more laid back. He may not realize what needs to be done for medical school and will chose a different track. But it is his life. You need to rein in that Type A personality and stop trying to mold him to your liking.

 

[TheWeeIceMan]

Wait, why would you only be doing long distance for 3 years if you go away to med school?

 

[DokterMom]

You just go on living your life and let him learn from living his own. You know what's going to happen, right? Whether he applies this year (late, and half-arsed) or not, due to his lack of box-checking (or half-arsed box-checking ECs) he's unlikely to get accepted anywhere. While your odds are, well, whatever they are.

Make your best decision for you, and he can either tag along or not, get inspired or not, weigh down the couch at his parents' house or not. But you can't make him at motivated when he's not -- so don't try. Just work on your own life --