There's a side show argument about rape that has nothing to do with this thread. As a moderator, I'd appreciate it if you all could take that argument to a different thread more applicable to that topic, or private messages.
ctcell, you just moved to this country and you're of an age where you'd like to meet someone seriously. Your issue isn't that your skin or look is less valued in America, it's that you don't fit in with American culture yet. You don't drink, you speak with an accent, you don't understand a lot of jokes and likely subtle social cues... Fine. I have respect for you, because it's a difficult situation to be in, and you keep putting yourself in that position and trying. When you move here as a teenager or sooner, you have more time to figure things out. Even that can be very frustrating.
You can keep trying. Or you can take the paths of least resistance. These are:
1) Meet women of your ethnicity. You've got an instant "in" with them here, because they're going to feel quite out of place as well. Meeting them through online dating, family, or social events is the way most people do it. Social events may be tricky depending on where you live. In which case, you can keep trying to meet someone through the above, though they may be out of your physical area. Alternatively, once you get a chance to move again (fellowship/attending), you have to move to a location that has your community.
2) Wait until you're an attending. Once you start flashing around that attending cash and power, there will be American women in the hospital more interested in you. Resident carries some prestige with these types of people (I think it's fairly location/hospital specific), but attending much moreso.
Yeah, I used to feel that way too. It seems exciting when you first start dating, but the reality is, there's not something new you're going to learn from people. It's just different ways of viewing the world that clash. People generally don't have well reasoned arguments for why they believe things or behave the way they do. You either just get it (or pretend to in order to get laid...), i.e. you're compatible, or you don't, i.e. you're incompatible. Your behaviors and attitudes about things are shaped by your culture, so you're generally going to mesh with someone of your own culture. For example: "If party is so dangerous for girls, why there are so many of them go to parties and get drunk? I think they can either just not going or refuse to drink if they do go there." Look at the responses that generated even within this thread. They're not well reasoned. It's not like you can have a logical argument about this with people. So many things in America are taboo due to our sense of "political correctness". You haven't learned this yet. If that topic ever comes up on a date, if you try to address it in ANY way, you're probably not going to get another date. The guys who are good at picking up women just generally avoid any sort of serious discussion or learn to be very agreeable without seeming as such. Women who are picked up often don't even realize it.
First lesson: all girls are different. Second lesson: Most girls give cryptic or difficult to follow advice that really only applies to them and not in general. Third lesson: Most girls will say one thing about dating, and then do something completely different themselves.
If you're a guy, don't listen to women about dating advice. Find a guy who is reasonably successful with women, and ask him what he's doing. His advice is going to be more applicable to the general population of women rather than to one specific woman.
You're trying too hard. If you set up events and pressure women to come, you are going to look like a creep to them. Just go out and hang out where you know women will be. Try to bring a friend with you. Find activities you know women like. Try to find neutral events that aren't specifically marketed as dating. I like meetup.com for this, but there are a lot of other venues. Guys who are a little older and have the bling seem to start using things like art events, social events revolving around opera, theatre, art shows, etc.
Bars in general are a terrible place to pick up quality women. They're noisy, women tend to go out in defensive groups (
click for an example), and again women don't like to *obviously* get picked up by guys (unless they happen to be very funny and cute), which is exactly what happens in bars. It's a cliche place to meet people, and it only works for certain types of people--mostly drunken undergrads. Even at high end bars, you're going to find a lot of trashy women. For me, there's physical attractiveness, but I don't date just to play genital tag, and it's more important that I find someone who actually has a good brain and soul on top of the rest of their body. In general, bars are low yield for that unless you know who you're going out with in advance.
Yeah it's funny that way. In America it's the cultural norm that men do all the work on dating. It sucks for guys because generally we're expected to just have no feelings or insecurities whatsoever and constantly throw ourselves out there for harsh criticism. The one nice thing is that once you get past the age of 30 things start to open up, because the women who were too picky or too shy to get a guy in their 20s suddenly start to feel some pressure to find someone before the ovaries fail. Alternatively, they start to open up to the possibility they don't need to be 100% picky about everything about a guy because they're not dating to marry, and things get more relaxed. The divorced ones, assuming they don't have kids, realize that the cute a*hole they married before turned out to be a huge dud and aren't as hung up on superficial things anymore. Dating in your 20s sucks unless you have something going for you (good looks, rich, socially adept with time to use it). You don't. You will in your 30s when you become an attending though.
Women in their 20s are generally trying to find someone who is cute and fun. All that stuff about reliable and dependable generally comes second or when they're older.
Anyway, what you're trying to do is not meet as many women as possible, nor get to know all the women in your life well. Your goal is to get to know as many available women who might be interested in you as possible, and learn to sort that out efficiently. Sure, I'd love to chat for hours and hours with every girl I meet, but we're busy professionals who just don't have the time. When you meet someone you're compatible with who likes you back, you'll know. Try with them, but don't force it. It's hard to know what is try and what is force, but you'll figure it out. Right now I think you're spending a lot of time trying to force things that just don't work.
This is partially true. The other part is that girls don't want to be obviously picked up. Buying a girl a drink is old-school cliche. Still in general don't buy girls anything until at least several dates in. No American girl is going to feel better about you based on what you buy for them when you meet them or on a first date.
