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Need help with dating- about to start residency

Discussion in 'General Residency Issues' started by ShortDoctor, May 3, 2012.

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  1. Ballints

    Ballints

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    I do not even know how to characterize your post. Let's just break it down a bit:
    1)Being a short guy is a lot like being a fat girl, except you do not get taller with alcohol.
    -no. Even in usa, and much more so, in the rest of the world, a guy is not defined by his looks. You might argue that being a short guy is like being a fat guy. Although even in that case, fat guys tend to be less energetic and less virile than short guys.

    2) seek less desirable women (older, heavier).
    -what kind of nonsense is this? I understand that a lot of people have unrealistic expectations. But seeking older, heavier women?? Did you waste your youth, take mcat, step1,etc so you could spend your $$ on old, heavy women?

    3) If you are still not dating anybody, there is something else really wrong.
    -So you should date an older, heavy woman so that your "friends" who are dating older, heavy women wouldn't think there is something wrong with you? I for one thing that if you were able to finish medical school, you're all right. Spend your money wisely and get a playboy calibre woman from east europe.
  2. LucidSplash

    LucidSplash Vac Ninja Extraordinaire

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    I can not advise against this strongly enough. :confused:
  3. johnnydrama

    johnnydrama I'm no Superman

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    Fat guys easily get girls. Much more easily than short guys. In some cases more than thin guys.

    Did you go into medical school for women? That's hilarious. This was advice for the OP who was striking out with his current target range - he should aim lower, at least until his confidence builds up.

    This is stupid and superficial. It sounds like you are encouraging the OP to get a mail order bride (scratch the sounds like, you are).

    If you are only looking for sex, that's easy if you have money and no sense of shame. I was assuming the OP is looking for more. It sounds like you aren't.
  4. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    If that is what game is, I have it. Women think I'm hilarious. Even charming.

    But even with that short girl I had a date with, she professed to me that I'm hilarious and wonderful, but she isn't attracted to me at all.

    That really is a problem. A woman has never told me I was an attractive guy. Quite a hurdle to overcome.
  5. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    Would I be willing to date women I'm not attracted to? Sure. I have asked out plenty of women I'm not attracted to.

    I'm just learning how to be myself, and to learn what it is like to go out with someone. Since it is a learning experience, and I'm not looking to marry, I don't much care who I date.

    I'm happy with any physical or emotional intimacy I can get. I'm still learning to get my sea legs.

    Would I be in a relationship with an unattractive woman? I have no idea.
  6. blueclassring

    blueclassring Senior Member

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    Ballints is right. The foreign option is a must for many of us, including myself. I'm a decent looking guy(I'd post a picture but that would compromise my anonymity), have a great career, am financially successful but I am completely failing at the online dating scene. So I"m going the foreign route to find a wife. There are a lot of misconceptions about this(ie it's for losers, women are using you for a green card), and am having great conversations with several women in the Philippines. The transition isn't hard in my case because I'm filipino-american, am familar with the culture, and they speak semi-decent english. I'd say it's harder to find an Eastern European woman because many of them don't speak English, but from what I've heard there are many attractive women there who are truly looking for love. These foreign women are second to none in my opinion. Here's a link to a comparison of foreign culture versus American culture by someone that's gone overseas. That's just one man's opinion.

    http://www.happierabroad.com/comparison.htm

    Then 15 reasons to date foreign women

    http://www.happierabroad.com/ForeignWomen.htm
    Last edited: May 28, 2012
  7. blueclassring

    blueclassring Senior Member

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    This is what one woman in the Philippines wrote in her profile in terms of what she is looking for in a man.

    "i am looking for someone that can be with me for the rest of my life, who can accept me without hesitations. im just a simple girl, longing for the right love that a man can give. an honest man and has a self determination, God fearing is the special character that i loved about the person, family oriented and a man with respect, romantic and making me special all the time, willing to be with for the rest of my life"

    This is what one woman in American wrote in her profile.

    "What im looking for in a man is laughter. I always fall for the funny guy, the one that can entertain a crowd but also have great one on one conversation. I love listening to stories of adventure and intrigue. Im looking for a partner in crime, someone that will sing kareoke with me, get out on the dance floor and bust a move, or climb a tree just to see what the view is like from up high. Im at a place in my life where my career has taken off and im confident in who i am. I need a man that is at least equal or more then that. I am very independent so for a man to be the leader in the relationship they need to be very confident and strong willed. Ive dated great guys that, in the end, feel semi intimidated by my success or my passion for life. Maybe im just not dating guys that are at my level, or maybe they just arent at a good place in their own life. If you are the type of guy that has a hard time planing ahead, is scared or intimidated to talk on the phone or meet my friends, then you are not the one for me. I grew up with amazing examples of what a real man should be, someone kind, funny, gentle, confident, and open minded. That is the kind of man i want in my life! "
  8. Law2Doc

    Law2Doc 5K+ Member Moderator Emeritus

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    I'm pretty sure I saw that law and order episode. She kills you in your sleep and leaves you for her pimp once she gets the green card. :laugh:
  9. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    This girl doesn't really found interesting at all.
  10. Oxer45

    Oxer45

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    Or a true NY story: guy marries a girl, as soon as she gets her green card, she leaves him and brings her boyfriend to US and lives happily ever after. (other than husband getting screwed).

    You gotta think things logically. There's a very specific type (or types) of women who wants to leave her family and friends behind and go to another country and live with a random stranger they've never met before. Not saying there isn't a few good women in that mix, but saying I wouldn't trust majority of those women.
  11. sanityonleave

    sanityonleave Adrenaline Junkie

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    Out of curiosity, for blueclassring and others -- is simply going unattached/unmarried not an option?

    I'm younger than most folks in this thread, but I'm sort of in the camp that getting married and having a family is great if it works out but okay if it doesn't. Is getting married a necessity to have a fulfilling life?
  12. blueclassring

    blueclassring Senior Member

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    Yes, being unattached isn't an issue. I have plenty of friends that I enjoy being around, and hobbies that I devote myself wholeheartedly to yet there is that void to have that special someone if my life. I"m sure it's the same for DocDanny and ShortDoctor. Don't say we need someone to complete our lives.
  13. johnnydrama

    johnnydrama I'm no Superman

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    If you are looking for someone with a less "American" outlook on family life, date someone who is a first generation immigrant.

    Mail order brides will just get you a guest spot on Law & Order: SVU.
  14. sanityonleave

    sanityonleave Adrenaline Junkie

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    I wasn't implying that at all -- it was an honest question. I have friends for whom not getting married / starting a family is not an option. I apologize if that came across as offensive.
  15. johnnydrama

    johnnydrama I'm no Superman

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    Yikes, those links are so sad. It's also written in the style of V1agra spam.

    Cannot stress this firmly enough - even if you are having trouble getting dates right now, DO NOT use that site.
  16. Ballints

    Ballints

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    I am not here to argue with someone who has a completely different outlook on life. But based on your posts I suspect that you are very unattractive, to the point, that it negatively affects you in life, and you believe that this is the most important thing that women look for in a man. But I'll just reiterate my point that you are wrong when you state that a doctor(or any other successful professional) should aim for "heavy, older women" just so people like you don't think less of him.
  17. Ballints

    Ballints

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    I don't know how credible this characterization is. But I can assure you that being "charming" is much more important in life than most other things. Just don't whine and you should have nothing to worry about. Tell me something about yourself that you find important (and your height) and I'll ask some (hot) girls from my country if your height is a deal breaker.
  18. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    I'm not looking to get married now. I just want to date. I get really lonely sometimes, especially on weekends and at night. Most of my friends are married, engaged or in a serious relationship, and they are always telling me how wonderful it is. Not trying to rub it in or anything. Even if they said nothing, I can tell how happy they are.

    Being a virgin at 28 is NOT fun. Having no dating experiences is even worse. Who wants to go thru their whole life not knowing what that's even like?

    Everything else in my life is PERFECT. Close with my family, amazing friends, nice place, working my dream job, plenty of hobbies and skills like painting and cooking. I am working on my confidence, and I've been working out. Just doesn't seem to make a difference.
  19. Ballints

    Ballints

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    if you are asexual it is bad... If you have a GF and just refuse to get married, then it's called "civil marriage" in most countries anyway. And if you are working on getting yourself a really hot women, then some people might hate you, but I applaud you for your stoicism.
  20. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    My height is 5'0

    Things important to me? In no order:

    Taking care of people
    Teaching students
    History
    Cooking
    Family and friends
    Trying new things
  21. Ballints

    Ballints

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    I do not recommend any such websites. The only good dating sites are facebook and foreign analogues of facebook.
  22. johnnydrama

    johnnydrama I'm no Superman

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    That's just silly. You know nothing about my physical attractiveness from my posts, much less what caliber of women I date (generally skinny and in their early-mid 20s if you must know).

    The OP needs some experience, and he currently has none. He clearly needs to aim lower.

    Women are generally more forgiving than men when it comes to looks, but height is the one place where a clear plurality if not majority draw the line.
  23. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    And like I said, I've aimed lower.

    I'm chomping and the bit just to experience what it's like. Why would I care what she looks like? Baby steps.
  24. johnnydrama

    johnnydrama I'm no Superman

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    I would recommend OKCupid if you're in a big city.

    Be honest about your height, maybe even show a few pictures that make it clear you are short (but ideally not out of shape or poorly dressed). The women who are still willing to talk to you will not have an issue with it.

    Do you have any close female friends? Maybe have them give you some tips, although ideally they should also be setting you up with their friends.

    I would also be careful about listing your profession. Even though you might think you'd be okay with it at this point, you do not want a gold digger.
  25. LucidSplash

    LucidSplash Vac Ninja Extraordinaire

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  26. ShortDoctor

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    OP here. This seems to be the defining post. Or at least from my experience (limited in success, but not limited in attempts), it seems to be the one that most defines the women I meet. Many are NOT as concerned about how handsome you are. Education in some cases, but the clear majority requires to be a certain height. Not saying you have to be tall, but you have to at least be of average height.

    I don't see what good there is though to continue talking about this issue. Women are going to say height is certainly not a dealbreaker or where we draw the line. Men with experience will say they are not being honest. And short guys everywhere on SDN will be even more dejected reading this stuff.
  27. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    I've tried several online dating sites. I took nice pics, listed my height, had friends advise me on what to write, and I got tips on dressing sharp. Didn't make a difference. Never had a response from anyone.

    I've asked my female friends to set me up with someone they know. They say they don't know anybody 'good enough' for me, whatever that means. Or they just don't want to.

    I'm just going to wait till I'm a resident. New people, new place, new city. It'll be good for me.
  28. Ballints

    Ballints

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    "For some girls height is very important because they want a guy at least half a head taller. And some do not care if they like you".
  29. Buzz Me

    Buzz Me Moderator Emeritus Gold Donor

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  30. blueclassring

    blueclassring Senior Member

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    I think the guy was trying to convey the superficiality of some friendships here in the States. How many people on Facebook do you really know and would consider true friends or are they merely acquaintances? And then next time you're in a social environment such as a restaurant, observe what people are doing. Most people are on their I-Phones not interacting with the person they are having dinner with, are busy watching the tv screen, or are engaging in conversations about trivial matters. I think a major problem here is a lack of community as opposed to other foreign countries.(Westernized countries are not a good example, though.). How many of you really know the people that live in your neighborhood? Americans tend to be be isolated individuals socializing with socialization restricted to certain cliques. Hey, I love America but there is a gigantic social problem here. The dating problem is a merely a consequence of it.
  31. blueclassring

    blueclassring Senior Member

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    Those of you who are having trouble finding a woman in the States may eventually come to the realization that you just can't get one here no matter what you do.

    For my boy DocDanny: Why Online Dating doesn't work?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe5_JK_LcEI

    My experience is quite different on foreign dating sites. I get at least 10-20 messages a day from women interested in me. I do take the time to email them back and tell them I"m not interested.
    Last edited: May 28, 2012
  32. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    How do you know they are actually women?
  33. johnnydrama

    johnnydrama I'm no Superman

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    All seriousness, I know you're in a tough spot, but don't take this guy's advice on foreign dating sites. At best, it's human trafficking. At worst, it will end with trafficking of your organs.
  34. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    I'm not going to.

    I'm just going to keep working on myself, and hope things change some day. That's all I can do. Sometimes it seems hopeless, but it is too important to me to just give up.

    Like I said, new people, new city, new apartment. So wish me luck.
  35. johnnydrama

    johnnydrama I'm no Superman

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    I wish you luck.

    Seriously, get in shape, dress nicely, and if you can make friends easily, try to get them to set you up (in addition to giving OKC another shot).

    Feel free to PM if you want any further advice.
  36. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    I've already done those things, but I can always do them more.
  37. dragonfly99

    dragonfly99

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    I don't think OKCupid is a very good dating site (speaking as a woman). I guess the good thing about it from some people's point of view is that it is free (I think). The problem with free dating sites is that there are a lot of shady guys on there...who are looking for an easy lay and who may be unemployed...and a lot of them are not very well educated. Most women I know who use a dating site use either Match or Eharmony. I think those sites are going to start doing background checks as well. I think a major worry for a lot of women using these online dating sites is safety issues...so background checks would be a plus.
    Docdanny...have to keep in mind that most dates and most dating relationships don't work out. This is true whether you are short, tall or in between. Especially if you meet people on the internet, they might not end up having a very compatible personality, once you get them out to dinner. I've personally experienced this...so don't take it personally and don't assume it is always your height, although I agree that being 5' could be a challenge.

    I also disagree with a lot of guys on here who keep repeating that most women won't date men shorter than them. I personally find it a little awkward if the guy is lots taller than me (like >6 feet) or a ton shorter. I'm 5'8" and dated guys from probably 5'4" or 5'5" or so (never measured them) up to >6 feet (one, my most recent boyfriend). I personally find the tall guys can be hard to deal with...like how do I get up there to kiss the guy...not to mention they can be kind of heavy especially if they haven't been working out lately...LOL. It's nice to be kissed but not squished...LOL.
  38. johnnydrama

    johnnydrama I'm no Superman

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    1) They aren't actually going to start doing background checks
    2) Background checks are meaningless, especially with people under 30 (the Craigslist killer would have passed with flying colors)

    Also, find a copy of the OKCupid blog post about why pay sites never make sense. They took it down when they were bought by Match, but it's still floating around.

    DragonFly does bring up a good point though - don't underestimate the value of spelling and grammar in your messages. You can also find a bunch of helpful advice from the OKC blog too.

    And the main point is to meet in real life as soon as possible in a neutral location, eg coffee. Just look at online dating as a way to expand your social circle.
  39. blueclassring

    blueclassring Senior Member

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    Human trafficking? How would you know that? Have you tried foreign dating sites? I love how people in general express their opinions without a basis for doing so. That's like me saying med school is difficult. I've never attended med school, so my opinion is essentially worthless.

    I think your judgment is a little tainted by watching to much television and brainwashing by the media.

    I'm not pushing DocDanny or ShortDoc to go the foreign route. Just letting them know that option is available if they need it.
    Last edited: May 28, 2012
  40. blueclassring

    blueclassring Senior Member

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    "How do you know they're actually women?" Common sense, get them on a live webcam(Use Skype or Yahoo Messenger). Have them send you pictures with their families. Never allow them to just send pictures of themselves because some "scammers" copy pictures from other sources and use them as their own. Yes, some "scammers" have asked for money; I usually tell them to f* off, and then block them. They usually go away. For the most part, the girls I've talked are down to earth and very nice. Their English isn't the greatest, so they are communication misunderstandings. I won't promote the site on here because I think it's against the rules. Some of the women there are frustrated with their online experience because they are sending out tons of messages and receiving few or no replies. It's the complete reverse on sites like Okcupid, POF, and Eharmony where men send out tons of messages and receive few or no replies.
    Last edited: May 28, 2012
  41. Valadi

    Valadi

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    I've known guys 5'9" that think they're too short, and guys over 6' who say they can't get a girl because they're job isn't cool, and tall attractive people in prestigious positions for nonprofit organizations say they can't get a girl because they're not rich enough.

    In the end, if you're not getting girls you're going to find a way to rationalize it. We all have "flaws," including the lady you might have your eye on. If they give you crap for being short, feel free to call her on her snaggle tooth. In fact, I guarantee that if you did that one of her friends would become interested in you.

    And remember the immortal words of Wayne Gretzky, "You miss every shot you don't take."
  42. mdhopeful65

    mdhopeful65

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    OK. so to preface: I am a 5'5" caucasian male. I have had >10 girlfriends, >20 one-night stands, and found love twice (once to a woman 3" taller than me, who I dated for years, and was a legit 10/10).

    Here are my thoughts, based off my own experience.

    To make a long story short, getting dates is not impossible for vertically challenged men but significantly harder than their taller brothers. That is the reality of the matter, and is not going to change in your lifetime if you stay in the US. I feel women, on the whole, are significantly more shallow than men when it comes to this issue; it is just the way they are hardwired. I don't know what else to call someone that would completely disregard a person's entire character based off a single trait that is completely out of their control and they can do nothing to change. I know it's not the most PC answer, but I'll call a spade a spade.

    In the above cases, you can be as confident as you want (which I sure as hell am), but it isn't going to make a difference.

    Nonetheless, I feel like I would be completely lying if I said ALL women are like this. This is important now: there are some women out there that height does not matter one bit. Let me repeat: It does not matter how tall you are to this group. They don't have bright neon signs over their heads proclaiming they are, and the only way you can find out is through experience. Once I find this type of woman, it is ON!!! You have to assume from the get-go that they are interested in you, and aggressively pursue as if she belonged in this group. Statistically speaking, you're going to run into more women that simply don't date short, which means you will be rejected more often than not. That means you're doing things right! It is like a formula 1 racer: the closer you hug the turns, the higher the chance you'll come out ahead, but also the higher the chance you'll crash and burn. Eventually you will find success, but you have to aggressive when it comes to the pursuit. If you carry the mentality that she would never date you because of your height, and you so happen to meet a girl that doesn't care, that attitude is going to be drawn into your interaction and you will shoot yourself in the foot.

    Think of it this other way: In whatever city you live in, you may have 1 or 2 favorite restaurants. There are 50 other restaurants you've tried that are by all means good, but you still keep returning to those 1 or 2 for some particular reason. In the same way that you're picky about your food, women are picky about their men. Don't feel bad that you're getting rejected so often. Women have their preferences, which is their own right and isn't going to change, whatever you do. Important: in these cases, don't place the blame on yourself, because there is often nothing you could have done differently. In other words, it was not because you "were not confident enough," it was because your were too short. On to the next one that doesn't care!

    In any case, I truly wish you success! Don't compare yourself to tall people, compare yourself to short men and play the cards you've been given. As my father told me once, "Life is unfair; get over it"

    PS: just as a sidenote, I once did some charity work overseas in a part of Asia, and met TONS of women that were very receptive to me. The average height is lower over there, and I saw many 4'11" men with beautiful and loving spouses. Just saying!!!
    Last edited: May 29, 2012
  43. Valadi

    Valadi

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    Your dad is the man.
  44. blueclassring

    blueclassring Senior Member

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    The fact of the matter is here in America women have tons of men to choose from, especially in the online dating arena. In foreign countries, it's the converse. The old problem is you'll have to learn the language.
  45. HopesandDreams

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    You should see a therapist about this. And by therapist I mean prostitute.

    Why have your male friends not set you up with one already? Those are not "amazing friends".
  46. DocDanny

    DocDanny

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    Why have they not set me up with a prostitute? LOL, some of them joke about it.

    My friends say they don't know anybody. I take them at their word.
  47. johnnydrama

    johnnydrama I'm no Superman

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2006
    Messages:
    9,311
    SDN 7+ Year Member
    Honestly, I'm surprised none of your female friends have offered a mercy f***.
  48. DocDanny

    DocDanny

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2010
    Messages:
    360
    Status:
    Resident [Any Field]
    SDN 2+ Year Member
    I never asked them.
  49. BeanDip4All

    BeanDip4All emt-abcdefgh

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2009
    Messages:
    693
    Location:
    Palo Alto, CA
    Status:
    Pre-Medical
    SDN 2+ Year Member
    omg if you're seriously going down this route why not just enter into a long-term "arrangement" with a young co-ed to be your permanent girlfriend then.

    my buddies in finance used to do this all the time. use craigslist or whatever. I'm sure you can figure it out. avoid "pros" ... pay their rent, buy them louboutins or something.

    might be fun and i actually know a few guys who ended up getting married to their gals. mazel tov. :cool: :rolleyes:
  50. blueclassring

    blueclassring Senior Member

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2005
    Messages:
    515
    Status:
    Pharmacist
    NCPA SDN 7+ Year Member
    This interview can be found on http://www.happierabroad.com/interviews.php

    . There is a problem with the dating scene here. If you're still a 28 year old virgin, you'll probably be one at 40 no matter how much you work on your game, confidence, or your body. Something isn't clicking here, but I don't think you're alone. Click on the interview entitled.



    Helpful and Informative! Interview with Ladislav, Chief Advisor of Happier Abroad, and Winston Wu, by Steve Hoca - Hear from Winston Wu's legendary Expat Advisor, Ladislav, talk about Global Dating and Cultural Comparisons
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