Not fitting in?

[footcloud]

I will honestly (and anonymously) say that I have been quite disappointed and unhappy with my med school experience so far. I am having a lot of trouble fitting in and I guess to be quite honest, I don't feel that I have a single friend in class. I have a bunch of classmates I can make small talk with during class, etc. and smile when I see them in public, etc. but I never get into the social stuff outside of class. I go to a P/F school so it's not like uber competitive or anything, but there is the whole type A-med student vibe that still goes on again and again.

I also moved away from home this year and I'm feeling quite lonely. I don't get along with my roommate (in my class) and it's really putting a strain on my studies. I failed a recent exam by 1% and got a 'talk' from higher-ups, which I found was kinda stupid (considering the midterm was worth a small chunk of the final thing and my average in the class was still 70 something given the other components). But yeah, I guess I am sounding very whiny at this point, but I can't help but feel miserable.

In a way, maybe I can think of it as 'punishment' for not having to try many times to get into med (I got in on my 1st try). But I just keep thinking it's not really fair that I have to be so miserable and alone.

I've tried a bunch of the typical things that people do when they try to make friends, but I just feel that I missed the boat in the beginning of the year and now it's just super hard when everyone is super cliquey.

Yes, it may be due to my personality, I don't know. But I never had these issues in the past and I miss my friends from home greatly. I don't really understand how I could've changed into this person with a 'freaky' personality in just over a summer when my other friends never have issues with me and when I go to new events, etc. I always make friends easily.

I know I can probably get through it eventually, but it sucks to feel that there's 3 more years of all this.

Thanks for reading all that.

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[Blesbok]

I will honestly (and anonymously) say that I have been quite disappointed and unhappy with my med school experience so far. I am having a lot of trouble fitting in and I guess to be quite honest, I don't feel that I have a single friend in class. I have a bunch of classmates I can make small talk with during class, etc. and smile when I see them in public, etc. but I never get into the social stuff outside of class. I go to a P/F school so it's not like uber competitive or anything, but there is the whole type A-med student vibe that still goes on again and again.

I also moved away from home this year and I'm feeling quite lonely. I don't get along with my roommate (in my class) and it's really putting a strain on my studies. I failed a recent exam by 1% and got a 'talk' from higher-ups, which I found was kinda stupid (considering the midterm was worth a small chunk of the final thing and my average in the class was still 70 something given the other components). But yeah, I guess I am sounding very whiny at this point, but I can't help but feel miserable.

In a way, maybe I can think of it as 'punishment' for not having to try many times to get into med (I got in on my 1st try). But I just keep thinking it's not really fair that I have to be so miserable and alone.

I've tried a bunch of the typical things that people do when they try to make friends, but I just feel that I missed the boat in the beginning of the year and now it's just super hard when everyone is super cliquey.

Yes, it may be due to my personality, I don't know. But I never had these issues in the past and I miss my friends from home greatly. I don't really understand how I could've changed into this person with a 'freaky' personality in just over a summer when my other friends never have issues with me and when I go to new events, etc. I always make friends easily.

I know I can probably get through it eventually, but it sucks to feel that there's 3 more years of all this.

Thanks for reading all that.

I find this statement to be kind of odd. It makes it sound like you are blaming the circumstances as to why you are alone, which really isn't the case short of you being hideously disfigured to the point that people are scared to look at you or you smelling like you just climbed out of a dumpster due to a glandular problem. The fact is, if you aren't making friends it is most likely something that you are doing, not something that someone else is doing to you. Sure, people are different, but most people still manage to find a niche somewhere to fit into. Maybe you just haven't found that niche or maybe you push people away. I recommend that if it is really that bad that you seek a school counselor to help you figure out what is really preventing you from finding friends.

 

[footcloud]

I'm not 'blaming' the circumstances, but I'm just trying to figure this out. If this had happened at all stages of my life, then okay, it's completely my fault. Except I never had an issue with this before so I don't get why whatever it is wrong that I'm doing now didn't seem to bug people before. And for someone who has never been through it, I understand that people will never understand. Certain things in life are easier to understand even if you've never been through it, other things more difficult.

For example, a loved one's death is a painful process to go through. No one argues with it. Of course, not everyone has personally gone through it and I am very fortunate to not have to go through it either. However, I can sympathesize/empathize with this and I'm sure the vast majority of the population can as well.

But with my particular problem, I can even relate to the fact that when I had friends, I had doubts about people who were seen as 'loners'. I probably potentially thought they had something wrong with them, they pushed people away, etc. etc. I never did anything mean to those people, but yes, if I had my group of friends, and I didn't need more friends, then why bother. Only very few people would like try to involve people thye didn't care that much about.

Anyway, my point is that I've talked to counselor type of people about this. The two main feedback I got was (depending on the counselor)
1) suck it up, the problem is you, go and fix yourself (of course, said in a politically correct way)
2) aw, it's okay, it's hard to adjust to a new environment, things will get better, hang in there, try to get a support system, blah blah

There is truth in both, yet they don't really change my current situation. No, it would be weird for me to "blame" other people for not wanting to be friends with me. It's not anyone's "fault" that they would rather be friends with other people rather than me. Yet at the same time, when I am not even "rewarded" at least SOMEWHAT for trying to do things to engage myself, then it becomes very very frustrating. I don't know...I feel like it's love. You can't force love. Similarly, you can't force friendship. Sometimes, it's totally not about how hard you try, how nice of a person you are. If you don't hit it off with a group or can't find your niche (there are only like 100 or so people in your class anyway), then it becomes difficult. Even if there's people you really like and can hit it off, they have groups they would rather be in. I find undergrad way easier when everyone is scattered everywhere and people have friends outside of their program. I can try for that too I guess, but it's hard to find the time to go outside of my class to try find another group with the grueling amount of work we have to do.
--

To add onto the thought about people who think others are whining. I can relate. When I was a premed, if I read a post like this, I would be pretty annoyed too. It's like "I'm working my ass off right now to get in and you already did, and you're complaining about it? WHAT's WRONG WITH YOU?!?!"

Yeah, except maybe this is a life lesson. The grass is always greener on the other side. No, I wouldn't say I would rather not have gotten in at all. BUT at the same time, I am not happy. There is no masking that. Well yea, I fake it somewhat at school (but only to a certan extent, I think people know I'm not happy). But I don't know, the social stuff hurts a lot more than the academic stuff. I have confidence that if I just study harder, I'll do okay on the final. I have a deficit, I have an action plan to fix it, I have a way higher probability of getting a return on that.

Social stuff? It's hardly about paying a dollar and expecting a soda can to come out of the machine. It usually comes naturally, and often, the more you try, the worse it gets.

 

[MDInvestor]

Your school no doubt has social events. Attend them.

If your sitting in the cafeteria, sit by another person who appears to be sitting by themselves. Ask them about the exam last week. Where are they from? How was your weekend? Did you see Grey's Anatomy last night? AND LISTEN!! If they mention a boyfriend/girlfriend, remember it. If they mention they're from Alaska.. Remember it. Next time, ask them what they think of Sarah Palin's daughter. Ask they are doing themselves, followed up by asking how their significant other is doing.

You make small talk with people during class. Ask them what they do on weekends. Continue to do this. Eventually, you'll find someone is doing something interesting or might even invite you. Someone might say. "Oh we're doing intramural basketweaving. Ask to join basketweaving!!! Do something instead of waiting people to flock to you.

 

[Lanvin]

While it is harder to initiate some good friendships after all the first-year social events have occurred, I don't think you're doomed to be friendless during medical school.

I don't know what kind of school organizations or community service stuff your school offers, but I would recommend looking into those kind of venues. Our school has a few programs that meet weekly and they give me a chance to hang out with people that aren't in my "group." After a couple such visits, you could toss out the idea about going to grab some food afterward. It might be a start.

Summer after first year could be a good chance to go on a medical trip overseas. At my school, these groups are multidisciplinary and have about a dozen students participating in some locations. Working alongside classmates for a couple weeks in another country might be a good way to make some memories and friendships.

 

[WellWornLad]

Well, you seem pretty normal in print. Not everyone does who has this sort of problem.

I think there's some truth in the idea that friendship is something like a low-grade relationship. Following that analogy, desperation is not your friend. No one likes the guy who is tenaciously trying to insert himself into groups.

I really think you need to look outside of med school. The population is just too homogenous, and it sounds like this might be especially true at your particular school. Moving into an apartment that has no strings to school would be a good start. Some of my best friends have been people I didn't know until I started living with them. Partake in hobbies that can lead to meeting people. Like rock climbing? Find groups in your area that also like rock climbing. Alternatively, organize a rock-climbing expedition at your school and see who's interested.

Bottom line, don't make your ultimate goal "finding friends at any costs." Identify what you enjoy and find people who enjoy the same things. This isn't high school, you can't change yourself to "fit in." You'll just come off as awkward and be miserable to boot.

 

[rhiannon777]

In any friendship, there's a point where someone has to take a risk and invite the other person to an activity that's not just them being thrown together at school or work. I think the older we get, the harder it is to take that risk. It's a lot easier in the first month or two of med school, when we're all in the same friendless boat, but later on, we wonder if we would seem weird/desperate/like we're hitting on the other person. I think maybe all you need to do is take that risk and start inviting people out. Most people are up for making new friends, they just don't want to take the initiative to do it. A good way to start is asking a couple people if they want get lunch after class or your next test.

 

[footcloud]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I have tried most of these things, but I guess it may have to do with my personality, but what WellWornLad and Rhianonn777 says really strikes with how I feel in the sense that there is nothing I hate more than feeling like I'm trying to shove myself into groups when I'm not wanted. And you're right in that it's not high school and people in my class do have their drama etc. but they're generally not jerks who will flat out tell you "We don't like you, leave our group". And I do go to a lot of 'social' events that our school has, but a lot of the time I feel like I'm wasting time because once again, I feel like I'm shoving myself into conversations, or in general, people don't care that much about me. I don't need to feel like I'm in the centre of attention, I just want people to care about my presence once in a while. No one likes being ignored.

If I ask people to do stuff iwth me, and then they never ask me back, well what am I supposed to think? Besides the fact that they don't like hanging out with me? The thing I guess I 'fear' more is that they're only putting up with me because they're too nice to tell me to leave them alone but they don't really like me.

And I really am at a loss of what I can do to change myself. Yes everyone has bad habits, and I can change those I suppose, like trying to be more patient, not getting aggravated etc. But the thing is, MANY MANY other people have the same issue (us being med students and all lol) so I guess what I said before about the 'not fair' thing is that I am just trying to understand why other people don't have to try this hard. And really, I never had to in the past, and I just found a lot of people who I got along really well with.

But yeah, I agree, maybe it's time to try really hard to find another group of people I can hang out with. Time is only my enemy because I have to devote a good amount of time to studying and it's just really lonely studying alone =( I guess I get really jealous when I see other people studying together, etc. I suppose I COULD ask to join in, but often, I just feel really intrusive and once again, I'm pushing my way into someone's friendship circle.

I guess another thing about me is that I am an independent and dependent person at the same time. I HATE asking for favors, depending on other people, etc. I don't have a car but I always get my own groceries etc. unlike some people who always bum people for rides every weekend etc. If the weather is nice, I'll just walk. I am a pretty independent person in terms of doing my own stuff, taking care of myself.

But I feel emotionally vulnerable and dependent. As silly as this sounds, I HATE eating alone. I always ate with my family and because of the roommate situation, I've always eaten alone. I couldn't get used to this for 2 months in the beginning of the school year. Now I'm ok...I just turn on the TV and eat. Or eat in front of the computer. And I feel uncomfortable everytime I think my roommate is going to come out. I am moving out next year, thank Goodness.

But yeah, I hate the feeling of being vulnerable, being so alone, and being so lonely. Sometimes shopping alone is nice and peaceful, but I would like someone to do it with, etc. I HAVE in the beginning of the year tried all these things, asking people if they want to grab lunch, shop together, etc. And they have come with me, and they seemed to enjoy it. But then they eventually found their groups and I somehow didn't manage to integrate well into these groups for some reason. So I guess in the end, becase of the social dynamics or whatever, I'm more alone than I've been in my life. And I just absolutely hate it. There are other people in my class who are sort of alone as well, but they seem to have no problem whatsoever with it. But I'm the type of person who hates sitting alone when other people are all chatting. I do try and integrate myself once in a while, but I don't know why I keep getting the sense that I'm shoving myself into places.

 

[turkeyjerky]

Dude, next time your in class look around--the people in med school are freaks, do you really wanna be friends with them? If I were you, I'd get a job at the Gap and make friends there.

But if you really want med student friends, try to socialize with people who aren't in groups (ie: when they're sitting alone in the cafeteria or something). It's always weird when someone tries to integrate themselves into an already-established group; there's an odd dynamic of them almost having to dominate the conversation or risk being left out completely.

 

[JC Denton]

Hey footcloud. Can't believe I hadn't noticed this thread before, when it was right next door from mine.

I'm sorry to hear you have even more BS to add on top of what we call an academic life.
You're obviously used to enjoying a very rich social life, which would explain the current distress in your situation. There's certainly nothing wrong with you as a person right now.

I suffered a similar problem starting med school. I suddenly found myself in a classroom full of the type of people I used to only pick on with my friends (ie. gunning nerds!). Soon enough, I was in a situation similar to when I was in certain AP classes at high school. There were a bunch of cliques of similar people, and none of whom I knew.

We were just so fundamentally different, that I knew I shouldn't even bother trying to become assimilated. My only saving grace was somehow befriending one chill dude that felt as much like an outsider as I did. And it was just this ONE person that helped me overcome all of my social problems in med school.

I hate being alone, and insecurity has been one of the most serious of my problems in life. With that one best friend, though, I was also able to go work out at the gym even. Never would I feel so alone again. We've recently assimilated another person, someone who I never knew shared so many similar views on life, and naturally, we had become a clique ourselves. No longer would I have to cower in fear when a 4'9" 98lbs. bully with full honors came my way.

What I find most difficult is that med school society values high grades over EVERYTHING. Being a chilling low-altitude flier has gotten me, from these hysteric gunners, less than a microfraction of the respect than I used to get on my worst days in high school. That was one of the most difficult things I had to learn to accept here.

Whew, well that was way longer than it needed to be. Basically what I want to say is that I understand how it's really freakin' hard to simply assimilate yourself into an already-established clique. What I would humbly suggest is that you try to seek out just ONE person you could be bff's with. Someone not already in a group would be a great candidate, as they apparently don't like the current cliques any more than you. That alone could tide you over until your graduation.

Hope things work out for you!

 

[Mr hawkings]

I would also try to get some counceling.

 

[tallenough]

No longer would I have to cower in fear when a 4'9" 98lbs. bully with full honors came my way.

are you serious?! you mean there are other freaks out there like me? I am also 4'9 and weigh 100lb soaking wet.

I didn't have sincere friends until sophmore year--in college. There is probably someone out there needing a friend too OP. And remember that doctors aren't real popular anymore. I'm anticipating lonely times up ahead

 

[footcloud]

Haha JC Denton, I think one of the reasons I'm not popular (ha an under-statement) is basically because I don't fit into any of the main groups. I'm not 'smart' enough to be considered 'nerdy cool'. I'm not this brain that can help people dissolve their study concerns or help in group assignments that much (despite having a P/F system). And there are totally times when I feel like I'm the dumbest kid in the class, although up until recently, I've been hitting class average for the most part. But despite P/F, people still gun for high grades and that brings me to my next point.

In my class, I feel there is this atmosphere of "it's not cool to study all the time" BUT it's also not cool to be chill about school IF it results you actually doing badly. So what is the trick to being "cool"? Basically if you:
1) are naturally smart and know everything without really working at it
2) work hard in secret, but boast to everyone about how chill you are, yet you are able to come out knowing everything and scoring very high

I used to care a lot before in undergrad, but now I am sick of it...utterly sick of it. And now with a P/F, I don't want to gun anymore. Yes I realize this is important for me to learn, etc. etc. but I want a break and I feel very very burnt out. I'm also not a huge partier, and if I party/drink all day like some of my classmates, then I will be too tired and fall even more behind. So basically, it comes down to the fact that I am neither smart enough nor 'socially fun' enough. Oh well, that's just who I am.

Well my friend is coming to live with me next year, so hopefully that'll dissipate some of this unhealthy atmosphere for me. Every time I go home, I feel a LOT more relaxed, and more happy, and slowly forget this. And then I have to go back to it.

But I like that idea, I'm going to try and find myself a 'good friend' I guess. It's hard, because some of the lonely people in my class seem to keep to themselves as well, but I guess I gotta take the risk. Too late this year, but maybe September will be a new start.

 

[neuroprotector]

I think it's really easy for people to underestimate themselves in these kinds of situations.

You probably have more friends than you think you do. And if you're like most people, the person who thinks about you the most is you. Medical school in particular is a difficult environment because you're thrust into a new crowd of people who are very busy and slightly neurotic themselves, a combination which makes for a not-too-supportive relationship. Add into the mix the fact that they're all generally pretty smart, and you'll realize that you don't get singled out or complemented the way you once did. All of the sudden, an amazing job on a test or an assignment is simply "average," more or less undeserving of praise and fairly routine for the people you're hanging out with.

With all of those factors at play, it's really easy to lose perspective of what it is that got you here in the first place. Don't count yourself out just yet.

 

[njbmd]

I will honestly (and anonymously) say that I have been quite disappointed and unhappy with my med school experience so far. I am having a lot of trouble fitting in and I guess to be quite honest, I don't feel that I have a single friend in class. I have a bunch of classmates I can make small talk with during class, etc. and smile when I see them in public, etc. but I never get into the social stuff outside of class. I go to a P/F school so it's not like uber competitive or anything, but there is the whole type A-med student vibe that still goes on again and again.

I also moved away from home this year and I'm feeling quite lonely. I don't get along with my roommate (in my class) and it's really putting a strain on my studies. I failed a recent exam by 1% and got a 'talk' from higher-ups, which I found was kinda stupid (considering the midterm was worth a small chunk of the final thing and my average in the class was still 70 something given the other components). But yeah, I guess I am sounding very whiny at this point, but I can't help but feel miserable.

In a way, maybe I can think of it as 'punishment' for not having to try many times to get into med (I got in on my 1st try). But I just keep thinking it's not really fair that I have to be so miserable and alone.

I've tried a bunch of the typical things that people do when they try to make friends, but I just feel that I missed the boat in the beginning of the year and now it's just super hard when everyone is super cliquey.

Yes, it may be due to my personality, I don't know. But I never had these issues in the past and I miss my friends from home greatly. I don't really understand how I could've changed into this person with a 'freaky' personality in just over a summer when my other friends never have issues with me and when I go to new events, etc. I always make friends easily.

I know I can probably get through it eventually, but it sucks to feel that there's 3 more years of all this.

Thanks for reading all that.

Here's the first rule of medicine: If something doesn't work, get rid of it and do something else. You have made a list of all of the things that are causing problems for you, now change them.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission". Why not just decide that you are going to stop feeling like you don't "fit" in and act like you DO fit in. What difference would that make? My guess is that the people in your class really are not that concerned about you and will take you as they find you.

After all, it's your business to keep up with your studies and not actually based on anyone outside of yourself. You have one shot at getting medical school right, so take it and be good to yourself regardless of how you perceive that others are treating you. You can also start your own "clique" of one. In short, do whatever it takes because you can't afford let this stuff interfere with your career.

You also don't have three more years of your school because fourth year can be spend entirely away on interviews and on vacation. You can even try to make arrangements to do some away rotation near your hometown and thus you can hang with your peeps.

 

[unsung]

Surely everyone can't be either super "socially fun" or super "nerdy cool". I know you said those are the 2 main "cool" groups in your class... sigh, medical school is sounding more and more like high school by the day.

At what age does "cool" and "uncool" cease to matter, I wonder? Who cares if it's uncool to work hard just to do decently? A significant portion of your class, like say, half of your class, is doing exactly that, I presume. Chances are, there are a lot of others in your situation, neither wanting to party 24-7, nor wanting to participate in study groups & show off their knowledge 24-7.

Do what you want. If you don't want to party all time time, don't. If you don't feel the urge to study all the time, don't. If in the midst of doing what you want, you find others doing the same thing (odds are high), then perhaps you may make some new friends. If not, don't beat yourself up about it. There's likely nothing wrong with you. You've had friends all your life, right? Sometimes you throw a bunch of people together, and they just don't click. Not your fault, not their fault. Just be yourself. Take some pride in yourself too... it's fine to make a solid effort to befriend new people. But there's no need to ingratiate yourself into a clique at all costs.

The *really* sad folks are the people who cling to some clique for dear life, even if they really don't feel like doing what their peers are doing. The girl who feels pressured to go to all the parties 'cuz her crowd of "friends" all do it. Is it lonelier to be by yourself or to be surrounded by people you cannot relate to at all?

It's easy to be caught up in clique drama, but just remember what you're in medical school to do. If you need to study to do well, are you really going to waste time pretending you don't study to other people, just so you can fit into their clique of "people who don't study"?

That said, it's natural to want and to need friends, especially in a stressful place like medical school. The one thing that comes to mind is: Be open to people. It sounds like you are preoccupied somewhat by being "cool" or fitting in with one of the "cool" crowds. That might not be where you'll find that real friend who gets you and supports you. Like another poster said, if you run into someone sitting by themselves in the cafeteria, go talk to them. It's so much easier to talk 1:1 with someone.

 

[Hoju]

Surely everyone can't be either super "socially fun" or super "nerdy cool". I know you said those are the 2 main "cool" groups in your class... sigh, medical school is sounding more and more like high school by the day.

At what age does "cool" and "uncool" cease to matter, I wonder? Who cares if it's uncool to work hard just to do decently? ........

.........go talk to them. It's so much easier to talk 1:1 with someone.

Cool matters until you are in the grave, and possibly after. My grandparents are in a nursing home and they are the coolest cats there, but there still seem to be little cliques, loners, and lots of gossip.

 

[neuroprotector]

Cool matters until you are in the grave, and possibly after. My grandparents are in a nursing home and they are the coolest cats there, but there still seem to be little cliques, loners, and lots of gossip.

It's true. The cool kids in nursing homes get all the perks. All of them.

 

[Excelsius]

I will honestly (and anonymously) say that I have been quite disappointed and unhappy with my med school experience so far. I am having a lot of trouble fitting in and I guess to be quite honest, I don't feel that I have a single friend in class. I have a bunch of classmates I can make small talk with during class, etc. and smile when I see them in public, etc. but I never get into the social stuff outside of class. I go to a P/F school so it's not like uber competitive or anything, but there is the whole type A-med student vibe that still goes on again and again.

I also moved away from home this year and I'm feeling quite lonely. I don't get along with my roommate (in my class) and it's really putting a strain on my studies. I failed a recent exam by 1% and got a 'talk' from higher-ups, which I found was kinda stupid (considering the midterm was worth a small chunk of the final thing and my average in the class was still 70 something given the other components). But yeah, I guess I am sounding very whiny at this point, but I can't help but feel miserable.

In a way, maybe I can think of it as 'punishment' for not having to try many times to get into med (I got in on my 1st try). But I just keep thinking it's not really fair that I have to be so miserable and alone.

I've tried a bunch of the typical things that people do when they try to make friends, but I just feel that I missed the boat in the beginning of the year and now it's just super hard when everyone is super cliquey.

Yes, it may be due to my personality, I don't know. But I never had these issues in the past and I miss my friends from home greatly. I don't really understand how I could've changed into this person with a 'freaky' personality in just over a summer when my other friends never have issues with me and when I go to new events, etc. I always make friends easily.

I know I can probably get through it eventually, but it sucks to feel that there's 3 more years of all this.

Thanks for reading all that.

You might have lucked out in terms of your class (maybe you chose the wrong medschool?), but the mature thing to do in this situation is to forget your class. There are many life forms beyond your class and I am sure can you find a niche if you try different things - join a sports club, volunteer in the community, get a research position, etc. And finally, what you really need is a partner. Everything else is secondary and will fade once you find that stability. I personally find it annoying when people try hard to hang out with me, yet they have a personality that obvisouly doesn't fit my lifestyle. This is why you shouldn't try hard to befriend anyone - it will not work that way. You meet people when you are involved with them in a common project or a common cause. In way, medschool should be the ideal environment for this, but given the low quality of many medstudents and the variation from one class to another, it is not hard to imagine coming across the wrong class.

 

[Perrotfish]

Surely everyone can't be either super "socially fun" or super "nerdy cool". I know you said those are the 2 main "cool" groups in your class... sigh, medical school is sounding more and more like high school by the day

We had several girls in my class who were seriously disapointed because they weren't Prom queen. No joke. There was a prom, a queen thereof, and competition for the title.

At what age does "cool" and "uncool" cease to matter, I wonder?

It's not the age, it's the group. Some people hang on to these sorts of social distinctions, others don't. Medicine seems to attract the social wanabees more than other professions. After all, what is medical school if not one last desperate attempt to win approval from your peers? So far I like my medical school class, but the impression some of them give off is definitely that they were the kids who weren't cool in HS and are now trying to make up for it by being the coolest kids in medical school. Which to me is definitely a 'thinest kid at fat camp' type victory but oh well.

This is as opposed to the nice, happily nerdy people I left behind in my engineering undergrad. I miss that maturity. That's right, I miss the maturity of grown men who played Magic the Gathering. That's where my life is at right now.

 

[Klemptor]

This is as opposed to the nice, happily nerdy people I left behind in my engineering undergrad. I miss that maturity. That's right, I miss the maturity of grown men who played Magic the Gathering. That's where my life is at right now.

Best thing I've seen on the internet all day.

 

[clandestino]

this sounds exactly like my first year in med school. had to move to a new town, didn't quite fit in to my class, etc etc yadda yadda. i'm a very sociable person, and it really hit me hard when i realized that i had no friends in my class. sure, i had acquaintances, but nobody i could really call a friend. plus i was just sucking at all my classes, and that didn't make matters any better. i made sure to talk to the student health folks, etc, and ultimately took a medical leave to de-stress. during my time off i got to work and adjust to living in the new place.

luckily for me, the time off was really rejuvenating, and i came back to school and my new class is super awesome. looking back, i think i was really mentally closed off to the whole idea of "med school", and a lot of my issues were most likely self-induced. but then i was able to restart with a new perspective and it really helped me.

not saying that you should take a leave, but the saying "just hang in there" certainly applies to this situation. i find that the further i get into med school, the better my friendships get. also, i was lucky that my boyfriend was and still is with me during the whole med school ordeal...i had at least one steady person. maybe when your friend moves in with you things will start looking up...

 

[footcloud]

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys! It actually does mean a lot when in this current environment, I feel like I'm alone in this. Not that I want other people to feel the same way I do, but it's good to know that I'm not a complete outlier.

I think it really does boil down to me developing more self confidence in who I am and being able to let go of all this baggage of trying to fit in. Sometimes, it's just a bit hard when I see everyone else in groups, other roommates having great times, etc. I know there is the whole saying of "If everyone jumped over the bridge, would you do it too?" Of course, there is truth in that statement and many others about finding individuality, but I guess that doesn't mean that we don't sometimes hope to fit into the environment we are surrounded in everyday, hope to not stand out as much, especially when we can't even understand why we do.

But regardless, I agree that I shouldn't let this conquer and defeat me and it is NOT worth being miserable over and doing badly in school for. I'll try to divert more energy towards school I guess, and hopefully it'll get better next year.

While I hope my friend will make it better, and I know this sounds silly, but I guess the self-pride in me doesn't want my friend to know how miserable I am right now or how little friends I have. I know she probably won't care because she is a genuine friend, but I don't want to burden her into thinking she has to spend all this time with me to heal my scars. And again, I hate being dependent on someone to be happy, but I am a social person and it is hard, especially when I hear all this hardship about grueling hours in clinical years and I know that time is slipping before I can make some good memories in med school while I still have the time. Ah well, I guess it does all come back to "toughing it out". Maybe one day I will look back on this and find it all very silly.

 

[Bartelby]

Hey OP, your situation really resonates with me. I never had problems finding friends before medical school, but here in medical school there are about 100 people I would stop and have a conversation with if I saw them out on the town but 0 that I just hang out and watch Family Guy with. It does suck.

As for the solution, obviously I don't know. My classmates are not unfriendly people and I enjoy hanging out with them when I do, but it tends not to "catch" and I haven't found that core of best friends. Right now I am looking for friends outside of class (by joining community clubs) and looking for a girlfriend. It does seem like cliques have formed and I missed that train, so I really may not find any best friends in medical school.

I know some of these responses seem to assume you're socially ******ed-- don't worry, I am guessing neither of us are. I think it just comes down to luck sometimes, and once everyone is comfortable in their social routine it is hard to change things up. So how about this:

1) Try to find and ask out at least one person a week on a date (preferably outside your class)
2) Join at least one club outside of your medical school class and go to a couple of meetings/events
3) Find at least one interesting activity and invite some of your medical school acquaintances out to it in the next two weeks.

That's pretty much what I'm doing. Good luck, and remember that even if everything catastrophically fails you won't have time for a social life by third year anyhow!

 

[fsunavybabe]

I have a few ideas for you:

- pet? a dog or a cat can really make med school life a little more bearable. Something that is happy when you are home and loves you unconditionally. Plus if you have a pet it ends up opening up other people in the class who have pets as friends to you. I have become decent friends with several cat owners in my class, my boyfriend (at another med school) with many other dog owners both in the school and people in his neighborhood/building, it's helpful.

- talk to a psychologist. most schools have them. They can help you deal with some of the sadness and lonely feelings. Those feelings classically hold med students back and so you really should address them. A happy med student is a better student and a better clinician.

- What about interest groups. Your med school probably has a few interest groups. If you're at all interested in their missions, then go, listen to the speakers, chat with others, eventually you'll find your niche.

- exercise on your own and/or in groups. it makes you happy (endorphins) and it may give you stuff in common with others.

- Volunteer groups. Often there are community service and volunteer groups (at clinics/shelters/etc) that are associated with the school. Get out into the community and work with some people for a couple hours a week. You'll feel you're connecting with patients/clients and you'll eventually click with physicians and fellow students.

Be happy in something you do - it carries over to the rest of your life and you'll get more friends because you're the happy person you are. No one wants to be friends with the sad face in the room - if you're happy/content then they'll come to you (like a moth to a happy flame).

 

[Craigslist]

Every post OP has made is huge (I read only the first one). I bet you talk much more than you write.


Also, Most douchebags don't know that they are douchebags and blame it on their surrounding.

 

[Excelsius]

I have a few ideas for you:

- pet? a dog or a cat can really make med school life a little more bearable. Something that is happy when you are home and loves you unconditionally. Plus if you have a pet it ends up opening up other people in the class who have pets as friends to you. I have become decent friends with several cat owners in my class, my boyfriend (at another med school) with many other dog owners both in the school and people in his neighborhood/building, it's helpful.

...

I didn't think of that one, but you're totally right! It really helps you to meet people outside of your environment. However, don't get a cat. Get a dog. When you walk your dog and go to the park, you'll meet a lot of people. And it is my personal observation over the years that most people who have dogs, especially girls, are very nice. Just make sure that if you get a dog, you have at least an hour each day to take him to the park AND walk him. And no, getting a small dog does not get you off the hook in terms of walking it. See some of the other threads here on dogs, if you decide to go that route. I think that you'll be more productive if you are happier even if you have to spend extra hour or so every day to care for the dog. It's not a surprise that almost every hospital has a pet therapy program involving dogs.

 

[Mr hawkings]

I didn't think of that one, but you're totally right! It really helps you to meet people outside of your environment. However, don't get a cat. Get a dog. When you walk your dog and go to the park, you'll meet a lot of people. And it is my personal observation over the years that most people who have dogs, especially girls, are very nice. Just make sure that if you get a dog, you have at least an hour each day to take him to the park AND walk him. And no, getting a small dog does not get you off the hook in terms of walking it. See some of the other threads here on dogs, if you decide to go that route. I think that you'll be more productive if you are happier even if you have to spend extra hour or so every day to care for the dog. It's not a surprise that almost every hospital has a pet therapy program involving dogs.

yeah a cat would just depress you if youre down already. Too independent

 

[brucecanbeatyou]

Get off of SDN and run and play in the sunshine!

 

[unsung]

yeah a cat would just depress you if youre down already. Too independent

Not my cat. She wants to be in the same room as me all the time. Nice companion when I'm busy studying, etc. But not as annoyingly needy as a dog. Plus she doesn't stink, or try to lick me right after licking her ---.


Re: cool/uncool. Yeah, I guess you guys are right that that kind of attitude is pervasive throughout society, through all age groups. But I did find during my years working out in the "real world", that that tendency to be cliquey/exclusive was much less acute amongst my coworkers (vs a school environment). (Well, excluding my experiences working in a hospital... the hospital is really quite a unique work environment... but that's a WHOLE other story.) It definitely seemed like the "diversity" of my work place helped a lot in preventing little cluster cliques who try to exclude everyone else. We had lots of different ages, older folks with families, younger singles fresh out of college, different ethnicities, etc. etc. Everyone came from a different background and brought different work/life experiences to the job. I think people underestimate how much diversity really *can* make a difference in the culture of a particular work place.

The thing about med school seems to be, despite all the "diverse" ECs/experiences adcoms try to select for in a class, oftentimes the class as a whole can be quite homogenous.

 

[perilou]

In a way, maybe I can think of it as 'punishment' for not having to try many times to get into med (I got in on my 1st try).

I don't agree with this part.

 

[crystalgreen]

i think that you care too much about what other ppl think. and you feel that other ppl will think you're a freak just cuz you dont seem to have friends...but it's not true...b/c nobody really knows you so how can any of them accurately judge you? dont worry about it, you're ok, and you have family and friends who care about u at home right? an ancient chinese saying talked about friendship as that true friendship happens to you and you cant go around searching and begging for it. friendship is kinda like relationship...just cuz you cant click with someone of the opposite sex in your school doesnt mean there's something wrong with you. so same goes for friendships.

 

[quiz]

being happy alone means being happy in your own skin. find something that makes you happy, do it. you may meet some like minded peope along the way.

socially fun vs nerdy cool - it kinda sounds like you're already sticking your classmates in clicks which doesn't help the situation much. also, every now and them I remember the advice of a friend of mind who was really fun, but kinda goofy at times. Sometimes the odds are 1 in a 100 that a girl will say yes when I ask her out, so I just ask 100. It's only the 1 that matters. Kinda like med school yeah? As crappy as rejection is, I don't think your batting score is as bad as that. Perhaps you perceive it as so because you're not feeling too good about yourself?

I'm nervous about starting a new year alone, hundreds of miles away from anyone i know. what do you mean when you say missed the first year sociallizing?

 

[Tiki]

Similarly, you can't force friendship. Sometimes, it's totally not about how hard you try, how nice of a person you are. If you don't hit it off with a group or can't find your niche (there are only like 100 or so people in your class anyway), then it becomes difficult.

I agree that you definitely can't force friendship, and that trying to is very awkward. If it makes you feel better, I have had similar issues starting residency. While I love my fellow residents and think they are awesome, I just don't feel I fit in with them. Part of that is probably due to homesickness and missing my friends and family (this is the first time I've been far from them, and it's been a hard transition.) I agree with the posters who said try to find activities and friends outside of medicine. I think once you've made a few friends away from school, you'll feel much better.

 

[lukgirl]

One of the things I'm dreading most about med school: cliques.

I start in August and I'm not looking forward to reverting back to the clique-y days of high school. I can really sympathize with the OP. I have actually been nervous about being in this situation--missing the boat of getting in to one of the cliques, then being a loner. But I don't want to think too much about it because I think making friends is one of those things you just have to let happen naturally--you can't over-think it or it'll seem forced. Anyways, I'm sure I'll find some like-minded people to befriend.

 

[footcloud]

For anyone that I'm scaring, please don't be scared. I would say that MOST people in my class are fine and happy in their cliques/friendship circles/group of friends/any other term you want to call it. I don't REALLY know exactly why it happened, but I think something someone else also said make a lot of sense. I could've "caught the boat", but I think deep down, I still wouldn't be that happy being with a bunch of people I don't relate to much.

But anyway, my point is that it sort of came as a surprise to me, but I'm sure there have been people who were pleasantly surprised and found a bunch of people who were like-minded with them. Only you would know that and how your class composition is.

Just approach it with an open mind, make an active effort in the beginning to try and know as many people as possible in the beginning. Do a bit more than you normally would.

I thought I did that, but I guess not. Anyway, thanks for the advice everyone, the year is ending off, and exams are coming soon, so I probably have bigger things on my mind than this. I'm not really an animal person, but maybe I'll get fish haha. Otherwise, I'll try to explore other possibilities in the community and school (outside of the med school) next year and see what happens.

 

[Raygun77]

wow, inundated with responses, aren't you. This is just something I wanna add, and it's in line with the majority of responses- in any experience you have, you're never alone. I find it comforting to think that somewhere, sometime in the past or present, someone else has been through the exact same (or analogous) set of circumstances. Some people would have dealt with it better, others, a lot worse. But you're not alone.

Anyway, everyone has some degree of insecurity, no matter how rock solid they make themselves out to be. I think part of what makes us human is a tendency to make mountains out of molehills. Factually, we all know we're better off than say kids in Africa, but that doesn't stop social issues bothering us, does it?

The key is suppression of thoughts, imo- being able to 'turn off' these bothersome thoughts consciously, and focus on other things that are productive/make you happy. Find a trigger that helps you get out of a negative frame of mind when you need to study/be productive (which understandably would be a big priority)- for a lot of people, having some solid music is great for suppressing neg. emotions and getting in the zone when things need to get done.
Freud listed suppression as amongst the most emotionally healthy coping mechanism (read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism ) I'm not sure what the most current take on freud and his views is, but there you have his psychoanalysis which has popped up in a few journal articles i've read surrounding coping with AIDS diagnoses, etc.

Anyway, I know it's easier said than done, but I think the secret to being happy is to stop trying. Have a read of this- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonist_paradox. Just like you don't wanna come off being needy/tryhard/all that in social situations, often the best way to break the ice with new people is just to be chilled. self depricating humor is your best friend. Be comfortable! Once u start ur giving permission to others to be comfortable as well, and drop that whole undercover-studier attitude we're all familiar with.
If you can joke about how you don't seem to fit in or aren't doing as well as you'd hope in med school, i'm sure you'll find many others will click with you when they realise how a like u are. You aren't unique. Everyone's been snatched out of the small pond and placed in mcbrainsville, pretty much at the top of the bellcurve.

Anyway, i reckon responses like craiglists above just go to show that people are out to kick you when you're down, if you're open about it and don't do the manly bottling-up thing. So mix it up a bit, make fun of yourself- maybe you are a douchebag, but so is everyone else in med school

 

[dantt]

sounds like avoidant personality disorder

 

[AnotherDork]

One thing that nobody has brought up yet is that in the third year, friend groups change a lot, because you're generally with the same group of 15-20 people for the whole year and spending a lot of time in the hospital.

Using myself as an example, I had a small group of friends in the first two years, but got to know a bunch of different people a lot better in the third year just because I spent so much time with them in the hospital, got to talk to them about non-medical stuff during down time because there was nobody else around, etc.

So, OP, if you can get through next year using some of the advice other posters have given, hopefully it will get better once you start clerkships.

 

[Dral]

There is a fine line between politeness and self-confidence. Find that line and fall just on the side of self-confidence. As others have mentioned, it may take a bit of counseling to find this.

 

[Mattabet]

Hey Foot. I totally feel you. I've been in the same situation, virtually every time I got to a new school, which I did a fair number of times as a kid. There's nothing wrong with you, you don't need counseling, and I'd bet everything in my checking account ($12, but it's the thought that counts) that by the time you graduate the loneliness will be a distant memory.

The nice thing about when you're early on in school is that by the time the first recess rolls around, you're out on the playground with a great opportunity to make friends with your peers. By college, there's less recess.

Throughout my first year of undergrad, I had a couple of people that I kind of knew. I wouldn't exactly call them 'friends', but we were friendly. Sophomore year, one of those people's suitemate's boyfriends turned out to be my best friend in college, and introduced me to a group of the greatest people I've ever met.

It's not like I could have gone out earlier and found my best friend. The Boggle board of the universe just kinda had to be allowed to shake up to make the connections possible. But it will. You might feel stuck, but all sorts of things you can't see are going down that will make new opportunities possible tomorrow.

All you have to do, and all you can do is to go out there with a friendly attitude and do your best. Find a "seat buddy" in lecture and say hi, or swap 'Lost' theories with a guy in lab. Go out, stay positive, and you'll end up just fine.

In the meantime, make sure to make use of the technology and your far-flung old friends. It's not the same as seeing your buddies every day, but it's nice to be able to keep up on Facebook, or e-mail, or what-have-you.

Don't get down. These things work out.

 

[sunset823]

One of the things I'm dreading most about med school: cliques.

I start in August and I'm not looking forward to reverting back to the clique-y days of high school. I can really sympathize with the OP. I have actually been nervous about being in this situation--missing the boat of getting in to one of the cliques, then being a loner. But I don't want to think too much about it because I think making friends is one of those things you just have to let happen naturally--you can't over-think it or it'll seem forced. Anyways, I'm sure I'll find some like-minded people to befriend.

same here...I took a personality quiz sometime and got schizoid personality disorder, so you can imagine, haha...one of the (many) reasons I'm really wanting to get into my state school is that I have a built in support network, with a few close friends there, AND it's a large school where cliques are probably not going to be an issue.

As of now, I'm going to a school where by second year there will only be 50-60 people in my class, and I am dreading that, cuz I went to a large public university where I found a niche of people just as (adorably) strange as myself.

I think if I fall into the situation where I don't make any friends in my class, I'll make up for it by just studying a lot - never been much of a person with a social life anyway, and now I'll need to use that time to study even harder

to the OP, a suggestion is to join a club or group doing something you're particularly interested in, especially if it's not related to medicine - for me, it would be politics, and I have a few friends who love literature/writing, but something like that would be a great way to meet like-minded people

 

[scarletgirl777]

You know, a med student I know told me a similar story (with a racialized twist. yay!) and I was hoping it was just her/her med school But I guess her story is still sadder because she's a 4th year.

 

[MsKrispyKreme]

You all are still better than me. Not only do I have no friends, I also get constant dirty looks from catty females as I walk down the hall. *sigh* I guess I'm still in high school.

Ha ha ha!

You keep coming back everytime you get banned.

 

[elderjack21]

Who cares about fitting in with your medical school classmates. I can think of plenty of other groups I would rather "fit into." Just be yourself and don't worry about it. Unless of course you are not personable at all which will make for a long road ahead in any field of medicine that requires working with people. I doubt this is the case. My medical school class is so diverse in just about every way that there is no way anyone really "fits in." So I wouldn't sweat it too much.

best of luck being who you are. If you can't find people to hang with in your class, look elsewhere. It is nice having friends that you don't feel like you have to talk grades, lectures...etc all the time with. It is a nice break from the grind.

 

[mildlyneurotic]

What you need is a girlfriend to build your confidence in the world again. Try finding someone around town. Ideally, someone who is active and likes to do stuff that you and enjoy doing, and that you're good at. I don't think it should be too hard for you, you sound quite well spoken aside from a possible minor psychological complex.

[ Disclaimer: The love doctor cannot, in good conscience, provide any further advice without having seen a photograph of yourself. ]

I know you could probably be doing better in school but of course it's tough when something else in your life isn't going too great. The fact that you have a friend willing to move out there to live with you tells me you're not a bad guy, I think that will help a lot, maybe he can help you find a girl heh.

You know how many people there are in the world? Of course it's going to be tough to "fit-in" (strange word choice) if you limit yourself to 100 (divided by 3-4 for cliques) to choose from. Finding 1 decent person you can relate to is probably the best advice in this thread, you can be like Turk and Dorian. Also yes, volunteering or research to keep you busier may be a good idea; from the looks of it, you have way too much free time to introspect. You just have to stop worrying about it so much, worrywart. From the sound of it, you'll be done in about 2 years anyway, which is what 2% of your life. The only thing you really have to worry about is that you're on top of things, so it doesn't need to be any longer than that, I say this from experience. Once you become the master of your domain again, who knows, you might be sad to leave.

I also do horoscopes, I'll be here all week, thank you.

 

[NewKidin2block]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Are you studying in a small college or a big university?
Have you thought about living on campus for graduate student? Although it is more expensive than private housing. I think it will give you more opportunity to make new friends outside the med school circle. Try to join some school clubs or mentorship program in your area.

I guess another thing about me is that I am an independent and dependent person at the same time. I HATE asking for favors, depending on other people, etc. I don't have a car but I always get my own groceries etc. unlike some people who always bum people for rides every weekend etc. If the weather is nice, I'll just walk. I am a pretty independent person in terms of doing my own stuff, taking care of myself.

But I feel emotionally vulnerable and dependent. As silly as this sounds, I HATE eating alone. I always ate with my family and because of the roommate situation, I've always eaten alone. I couldn't get used to this for 2 months in the beginning of the school year. Now I'm ok...I just turn on the TV and eat. Or eat in front of the computer. And I feel uncomfortable everytime I think my roommate is going to come out. I am moving out next year, thank Goodness.

But yeah, I hate the feeling of being vulnerable, being so alone, and being so lonely. Sometimes shopping alone is nice and peaceful, but I would like someone to do it with, etc. I HAVE in the beginning of the year tried all these things, asking people if they want to grab lunch, shop together, etc. And they have come with me, and they seemed to enjoy it. But then they eventually found their groups and I somehow didn't manage to integrate well into these groups for some reason. So I guess in the end, becase of the social dynamics or whatever, I'm more alone than I've been in my life. And I just absolutely hate it. There are other people in my class who are sort of alone as well, but they seem to have no problem whatsoever with it. But I'm the type of person who hates sitting alone when other people are all chatting. I do try and integrate myself once in a while, but I don't know why I keep getting the sense that I'm shoving myself into places.

 

[Simmy]

I have to agree with what that has been said that med-school is like HS.. Actually its WORSE... The gossip is endless and the cliques are more hardcore than ever....