Relationship Center

[kenggy]

You guys are blowing this way out of proportion...I feel the responses would have been different if I had posted on the rant here thread. I realize I did ask for advice, but I do not have serious problems in my relationship. I will probably want to spend more time with him than doing school work but I know I can't because I am the type of student that has to spend a lot of time studying just to get a B. He is very supportive, so thank goodness. Being distant from each other can be fixed, this does not mean we have bad relationship, it means we need to work on it, as in all relationships, it takes work. I feel like you guys jump to the worst conclusions based on a few paragraphs I wrote.

I did not take SOV's post as a personal attack, I simply responded, agreeing and disagreeing with some of his points. I do however think that every relationship has issues, to say otherwise would be dishonest. So by MooVet saying that my relationship obviously has issues is stating the obvious, especially since I put our issues out there on this forum and am admitting freely to them. I also didn't mean to say I would wait until we are getting a divorce to seek counseling, of course I would go way before that even came into play, I should have never mentioned the D word in any of my posts b/c I just can't even fathom that happening, which I know is unrealistic but also shows me that I am truly happy with who I chose to spend the rest of my life with. My husband has a really hard time opening up to me let alone a stranger (his words not mine) so it is better FOR US that we work this out ourselves.

We have made it through his abusive parents who hated me, him in foster care, a break up, him being gone for 7 months for training, also gone for 8 months to Afghanistan. Now, because he expressed his feelings and we are dealing with them our relationship has issues and we need counseling? Does no one figure stuff out for themselves anymore? I think people give up to easily now, no one wants to put the work in themselves. No one tells you that marriage is work and it never stops, but it's worth it. Don't get me wrong, I am all for counseling, my father has PTSD and was away from our family for 8 years on and off...there are great things about counseling....I just don't believe a bump in the road constitutes such a big step. Now that you know my whole life story...I hope I don't meet anyone in person..jk.

I know you guys are trying to be helpful and I really do appreciate it, but it's also hard for me to express the situation and thus for all of you to grasp it on the internet, which is probably why you are urging us to seek counseling. I get it, I do not want to have to deal with this while I'm in school, but I still have time and as the beginning of school gets closer if I feel its not resolved I have no qualms about going to counseling, even if it's by myself at first. I think it is so great that my school offers this service. I also have a really good support group in my family and friends. I wanted to post on here because I know most of you have been through similar situations.

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[dyachei]

You guys are blowing this way out of proportion...I feel the responses would have been different if I had posted on the rant here thread. I realize I did ask for advice, but I do not have serious problems in my relationship. I will probably want to spend more time with him than doing school work but I know I can't because I am the type of student that has to spend a lot of time studying just to get a B. He is very supportive, so thank goodness. Being distant from each other can be fixed, this does not mean we have bad relationship, it means we need to work on it, as in all relationships, it takes work. I feel like you guys jump to the worst conclusions based on a few paragraphs I wrote.

We have made it through his abusive parents who hated me, him in foster care, a break up, him being gone for 7 months for training, also gone for 8 months to Afghanistan. Now, because he expressed his feelings and we are dealing with them our relationship has issues and we need counseling? Does no one figure stuff out for themselves anymore? Don't get me wrong, I am all for counseling, my father has PTSD and was away from our family for 8 years on and off...there are great things about counseling....I just don't believe a bump in the road constitutes such a big step. Now that you know my whole life story...I hope I don't meet anyone in person..jk.

I know you guys are trying to be helpful and I really do appreciate it, but it's also hard for me to express the situation and thus for all of you to grasp it on the internet, which is probably why you are urging us to seek counseling. I get it, I do not want to have to deal with this while I'm in school, but I still have time and as the beginning of school gets closer if I feel its not resolved I have no qualms about going to counseling, even if it's by myself at first. I think it is so great that my school offers this service. I also have a really good support group in my family and friends. I wanted to post on here because I know most of you have been through similar situations.

Counseling is good for ANY couple. Its not just for help through tough times.

But yes, if you feel its unfair for him to ask for you to prioritize him, you probably do have some issues in the relationship.

 

[EngrSC]

@kenggy - I'm also a military spouse and if your husband is active duty then you can go to marriage counseling for FREE. A couple years ago I returned to school and began the journey to vet school process and we went to marriage counseling because we knew it wouldn't be easy. Marriage counseling was seriously the best thing we ever did together. Both my husband and I have clearances (I'm an engineer full time) and family/marriage counseling DOES NOT have to be disclosed (only therapy for things like depression/eating disorders/drug or alcohol abuse/etc.). If you live near a base there should be a Fleet and Family Support Center and they offer free marriage counseling.

Good luck!

 

[kenggy]

@kenggy - I'm also a military spouse and if your husband is active duty then you can go to marriage counseling for FREE. A couple years ago I returned to school and began the journey to vet school process and we went to marriage counseling because we knew it wouldn't be easy. Marriage counseling was seriously the best thing we ever did together. Both my husband and I have clearances (I'm an engineer full time) and family/marriage counseling DOES NOT have to be disclosed (only therapy for things like depression/eating disorders/drug or alcohol abuse/etc.). If you live near a base there should be a Fleet and Family Support Center and they offer free marriage counseling.

Good luck!

Thank you, I appreciate the info.



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[Gwenevre]

I've been reading up on this thread and I just want to say thanks. I'm aiming for the vet class of '19, but me and my SO have been together for almost two years now so the stress of vet school on our relationship is something that I worry about even now. Reading your guys' struggles and advice is really helpful =)

 

[Bracco Pointer]

It's been a frustrating day. I had a hard time deciding if I would post here or in the rant thread. If my husband (who is a vet) has a bad day at work then he's a short-tempered asshat for the rest of the day.

Losing patients is really, really hard on him (which, being a manly man, he'll never admit), or if something doesn't go perfectly (ie work, the weather...) he gets mad at himself... and he responds by getting short tempered with everyone around him (usually me and the dogs after work). I really try to be supportive, but after so much getting snapped at I either snap back or give up trying to help. There's only so much of getting my feelings hurt and criticism I take before I blow up at him.

Otherwise, I feel like we have a great, supportive relationship. He's amazing about supporting me in vet school. But sometimes I could really throttle him.

 

[Minnerbelle]

It's been a frustrating day. I had a hard time deciding if I would post here or in the rant thread. If my husband (who is a vet) has a bad day at work then he's a short-tempered asshat for the rest of the day.

Losing patients is really, really hard on him (which, being a manly man, he'll never admit), or if something doesn't go perfectly (ie work, the weather...) he gets mad at himself... and he responds by getting short tempered with everyone around him (usually me and the dogs after work). I really try to be supportive, but after so much getting snapped at I either snap back or give up trying to help. There's only so much of getting my feelings hurt and criticism I take before I blow up at him.

Otherwise, I feel like we have a great, supportive relationship. He's amazing about supporting me in vet school. But sometimes I could really throttle him.

This is a big problem I'm having with myself I realized as of late. It's so tiring faking a smile on my face and being pleasant at all times no matter how horrible the day's going during my work day. So the one thing I want to do at home is not need to control my face when I get home. My bf keeps telling me that my face oscillates between sad and pissed as I stare into the void, and he doesn't like it. I don't blame him, so I'm trying to not push my anxiety onto him, but then that just takes up more energy faking things for even longer in my day. Waiting until I blow up one day I guess. Sorry, I dunno what to tell you other than hang in there. It's definitely not you. I'm sure you know that though

 

[allieh8607]

Been having a rough few weeks of just hating being stuck on this stupid island. I think it's because fall is my favorite season and seeing everyone back home enjoying all of the associated activities is really getting to me. The things I normally use to take my mind off of things aren't working like they normally do. It's also frustrating to witness people start dating, get engaged AND married all in a shorter time span than my fiancé and I have even been dating. I know this will all be worth it in the end and my timeframe is going to be way longer than the average couple (we will have been together for 7 yrs by the time we get married) but in the moment right now, it sucks.

 

[WildZoo]

Been having a rough few weeks of just hating being stuck on this stupid island. I think it's because fall is my favorite season and seeing everyone back home enjoying all of the associated activities is really getting to me. The things I normally use to take my mind off of things aren't working like they normally do. It's also frustrating to witness people start dating, get engaged AND married all in a shorter time span than my fiancé and I have even been dating. I know this will all be worth it in the end and my timeframe is going to be way longer than the average couple (we will have been together for 7 yrs by the time we get married) but in the moment right now, it sucks.

I'm in a similar spot with the time thing at least. I've seen friends start dating, get engaged, and get married within a year or two. Meanwhile my SO and I will have been together 7 or 8 years before we get married.

 

[Gwenevre]

I can't stand it when my SO can't give me a straight answer. My roommates and I are having a Halloween/Gwen's 21st birthday party next weekend. We're planning on how much food to get, so I texted my SO to see if he'll be able to drive down here (2.5h). I've texted him a couple of times over the past week asking if he's going to be able to make it. All times he's like "I dunno." So I finally told him that I'm taking it as a no, he won't be down here.
I just can't stand ambiguity when it comes to me planning things. I wanna know if you'll be here or not. If there's any chance you won't, then that's what I plan for.

 

[SummerTheLynx]

I'm in a similar spot with the time thing at least. I've seen friends start dating, get engaged, and get married within a year or two. Meanwhile my SO and I will have been together 7 or 8 years before we get married.

When did you start dating him?! when you were 8?

But nope, totally get this. I have already been informed that if I am to stay in my current relationship, which I am currently very happy in, that getting engaged is not even an option for at least 5 more years. I don't know, I never pictured myself being with someone 7+ years before getting married, but meh.....

And Gwen - that is my absolute biggest pet peeve. I like having structure and always planning ahead (alas probably too far in advance, but meh)... So yeah, I feel your pain with that...

 

[WildZoo]

I can't stand it when my SO can't give me a straight answer. My roommates and I are having a Halloween/Gwen's 21st birthday party next weekend. We're planning on how much food to get, so I texted my SO to see if he'll be able to drive down here (2.5h). I've texted him a couple of times over the past week asking if he's going to be able to make it. All times he's like "I dunno." So I finally told him that I'm taking it as a no, he won't be down here.
I just can't stand ambiguity when it comes to me planning things. I wanna know if you'll be here or not. If there's any chance you won't, then that's what I plan for.

Sigh, that would drive me up the wall. I'm trying to plan some things to do with my SO when he visits next weekend and he's just like "idk" about everything Which means at some point I'll just give up and we'll end up playing video games all weekend (not altogether a bad plan actually haha). I guess spontaneity works for some people but most of the time if something happens last minute it just annoys me because it messes with whatever else I had planned.

When did you start dating him?! when you were 8?

But nope, totally get this. I have already been informed that if I am to stay in my current relationship, which I am currently very happy in, that getting engaged is not even an option for at least 5 more years. I don't know, I never pictured myself being with someone 7+ years before getting married, but meh.....

You hush!!

It usually doesn't bother me all that much, because I don't think I would be someone who would start dating, get engaged, and get married within a space of a couple years anyway. And at this point right now I'm not too concerned about it. It's just thinking about 2 or 3 years from now when I'm sure it'll start to bother me more.

 

[SummerTheLynx]

Sigh, that would drive me up the wall. I'm trying to plan some things to do with my SO when he visits next weekend and he's just like "idk" about everything Which means at some point I'll just give up and we'll end up playing video games all weekend (not altogether a bad plan actually haha). I guess spontaneity works for some people but most of the time if something happens last minute it just annoys me because it messes with whatever else I had planned.


You hush!!

It usually doesn't bother me all that much, because I don't think I would be someone who would start dating, get engaged, and get married within a space of a couple years anyway. And at this point right now I'm not too concerned about it. It's just thinking about 2 or 3 years from now when I'm sure it'll start to bother me more.

Its an honest question!

And for me, I am not looking for a 1-2 year thing, of meet, engaged, marry. But, I always envisioned that 4-5 years is an appropriate time. Knowing that engagement can't occur until being with someone for 7 years is just a foreign concept to me I guess

 

[WildZoo]

Its an honest question!

And for me, I am not looking for a 1-2 year thing, of meet, engaged, marry. But, I always envisioned that 4-5 years is an appropriate time. Knowing that engagement can't occur until being with someone for 7 years is just a foreign concept to me I guess

You know how old I am!

I feel ya. And I at least don't have that, I could get engaged whenever. Though I think both sets of parents would be freaked out if it happened before we both graduated from undergrad, even though they know we wouldn't be getting married for a few more years anyway. Parents are weird

 

[SummerTheLynx]

You know how old I am!

I feel ya. And I at least don't have that, I could get engaged whenever. Though I think both sets of parents would be freaked out if it happened before we both graduated from undergrad, even though they know we wouldn't be getting married for a few more years anyway. Parents are weird

I know, 12. Thus, I am guessing about 8 when you met him .

And haha, I have the opposite problem. My dad keeps dropping hints that we should get engaged. My stepmom is less blunt and says directly to me where's her ring, and that it better just as nice and shiny as the ring that she is currently wearing. All of my coworkers were convinced that when I adopted Summer that a ring would be around her neck. And then they were sure when I adopted Lyla that I was going to pair that adoption with a ring. Their theory is that we already have 4 furry children together (Cabdury the guina pig she got me a year and a half ago as the fourth and 5 if you count Gimpy), so engagement should have already happened lol... The only one that is happy I am not engaged is my sister, due to the whole older sister complex thing, in which she believes that she needs to be engaged before I am

 

[brightimpressio]

I must be in a weird relationship. I've been dating my guy for over 3 years and not once has the "e" word or the "m" word been dropped

 

[Trilt]

I must be in a weird relationship. I've been dating my guy for over 3 years and not once has the "e" word or the "m" word been dropped

I'm the oldest grandchild (by quite a bit - my mom was really young when she had me), and I've definitely been getting some heavy hints/nudges from both my grandmothers on the marriage front. My SO and I have been dating for six years, but neither of us are particularly interested in getting married - not religious or too worried about tax benefits. We've talked about getting engaged indefinitely just to get people to hush about it though.

 

[allieh8607]

I'm the oldest grandchild (by quite a bit - my mom was really young when she had me), and I've definitely been getting some heavy hints/nudges from both my grandmothers on the marriage front. My SO and I have been dating for six years, but neither of us are particularly interested in getting married - not religious or too worried about tax benefits. We've talked about getting engaged indefinitely just to get people to hush about it though.

I think that's half the reason my fiance proposed when he did, because it was literally the worst time ever. I mean we don't even live in the same country right now and he darn well knows I'm not about to plan a wedding from 2000 miles away on top of vet school. But at any family function, we/he would get pestered about it and even though it was always in jest since my family knows our situation, I think he wanted to shut them up for a bit. Now we get to answer "so have you picked a date" for the next 2 years...

 

[Filly Bay]

Been having a rough few weeks of just hating being stuck on this stupid island. I think it's because fall is my favorite season and seeing everyone back home enjoying all of the associated activities is really getting to me. The things I normally use to take my mind off of things aren't working like they normally do. It's also frustrating to witness people start dating, get engaged AND married all in a shorter time span than my fiancé and I have even been dating. I know this will all be worth it in the end and my timeframe is going to be way longer than the average couple (we will have been together for 7 yrs by the time we get married) but in the moment right now, it sucks.

Definitely not alone. I am getting married next summer and by then we will have been together for 8 years. Our engagement will be 2 years long by then too. In contrast, my best friend in vet school met a guy at the beginning of last year, started dating him, got engaged, and is getting married next summer too. I think I'm bothered more by people asking me what is taking so long than the fact its been so many years...There's no rules on how long you need to date or be engaged before tying the knot! I'm excited/anxious for my wedding but I feel better remembering my fiance is not going anywhere in the meantime.

 

[Cyndia]

My so and I have only recently hit the three year mark, but I told him in no uncertain terms that I loved him but didn't want to marry till we'd dated at least five years and lived together ateast two of those. To be fair several people I knew broke up at the five year mark so I want to make it past that. He's moving here soon so hopefully it works okay, but I miss him a lot. Distance sucks.

 

[brightimpressio]

I'm the oldest grandchild (by quite a bit - my mom was really young when she had me), and I've definitely been getting some heavy hints/nudges from both my grandmothers on the marriage front. My SO and I have been dating for six years, but neither of us are particularly interested in getting married - not religious or too worried about tax benefits. We've talked about getting engaged indefinitely just to get people to hush about it though.

Nobody in my family has been pestering me about it, oddly enough. They're a really pestering bunch, so I'm surprised haha. Family!

 

[brightimpressio]

My so and I have only recently hit the three year mark, but I told him in no uncertain terms that I loved him but didn't want to marry till we'd dated at least five years and lived together ateast two of those. To be fair several people I knew broke up at the five year mark so I want to make it past that. He's moving here soon so hopefully it works okay, but I miss him a lot. Distance sucks.

I'm so happy for you that he's moving to the US! And distance does suck. My SO's in Texas and that's too far away, even.

 

[Cyndia]

I'm so happy for you that he's moving to the US! And distance does suck. My SO's in Texas and that's too far away, even.

Yeah I'm lucky it's been awful but we planned for him to come over for some of it and me to go over a bit in the one summer I have off. We skype a good bit and I can't lie that I miss him so much it hurts, but we're making it work. Can't wait to be on the same continent!

 

[that redhead]

We dated for 7 or 8 years before getting married, I planned from another country, yadda yadda yadda. I wish we'd been able to elope.

Less than five weeks and we close the distance for good

 

[allieh8607]

We dated for 7 or 8 years before getting married, I planned from another country, yadda yadda yadda. I wish we'd been able to elope.

Less than five weeks and we close the distance for good

I joke about eloping. And each time I do it, I realize I'm less and less joking, and more and more serious. My fiance would do it in a heartbeat, but in the end I think I would regret it.

 

[that redhead]

I joke about eloping. And each time I do it, I realize I'm less and less joking, and more and more serious. My fiance would do it in a heartbeat, but in the end I think I would regret it.

The only reason we didn't elope is that we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, especially our families'; a more or less traditional wedding was important to them. Weddings are, at least in my opinion, 95% about everyone else - the ceremony was really the only part of the day that I felt like was for us, and consequently was my favorite part of the day. I was never remotely into weddings, though, so I was happy to be done with it and move onto the marriage part

 

[Kpowell14]

Husband and I didnt "elope" per se, but we got married with only 6 people there including the photographer and pastor. Our families were both ok with it, but were sad to not be apart of it. I don't regret it - but I do wish we would've been able to have some type of reception for our families... I think the biggest thing is that when we finally are able to live together (in less than 3 months) we will be starting from scratch and will need a lot of stuff for our new place.. But having a real wedding you get showered with gifts which is really nice when your starting a new chapter of your life.... With that being said- that is not the reason you should decide to have an actual wedding bc it's not what it's all about- just an added bonus I guess.

 

[StartingoverVet]

I joke about eloping. And each time I do it, I realize I'm less and less joking, and more and more serious. My fiance would do it in a heartbeat, but in the end I think I would regret it.

DO IT!!!!!!!!!

My wife and I got married just by going to the civil hall, and were witnessed by our landlord/landlady. At the time we did it quickly for legal reasons (visa issues - long story), but in hindsight it was absolutely the best thing ever.

We planned a wedding party a year after that, and it is really nice to go to the party not wondering whether you really want to get married, or whether any of those family things even matter. It took a LOT of the stress out of it, still had a great wedding, and even then, planning a big party is a lot of work.
Most of the people knew we were already married, but a few family members weren't told because they suck (long story).

Anyway, I highly recommend it. Combining a big life decision with a big party is a bad idea.

The only thing I would change, is I might consider a destination wedding. I have met couples doing that alone, and it seemed pretty neat to me.

Weddings just bring out so many bad things, especially among families who make too much of a big deal about it. Best to remove that element if possible.

 

[Gwenevre]

Weddings just bring out so many bad things, especially among families who make too much of a big deal about it. Best to remove that element if possible.

My brother is getting married in June and it's causing big problems between our mother and my aunt (his legal guardian for reasons). My mom keeps trying to bring me into the argument, but since I'm standing in it I refuse. Weddings are supposed to be a happy occasion, and this situation is making me reconsider my want of a family wedding in the distant future.

 

[StartingoverVet]

My brother is getting married in June and it's causing big problems between our mother and my aunt (his legal guardian for reasons). My mom keeps trying to bring me into the argument, but since I'm standing in it I refuse. Weddings are supposed to be a happy occasion, and this situation is making me reconsider my want of a family wedding in the distant future.

weddings and funerals. Bring out some family nasties.
I don't get why people can't just celebrate the kids getting married. It's really NOT about the parents, or the family.

 

[LyraGardenia]

My so and I have only recently hit the three year mark, but I told him in no uncertain terms that I loved him but didn't want to marry till we'd dated at least five years and lived together ateast two of those. To be fair several people I knew broke up at the five year mark so I want to make it past that. He's moving here soon so hopefully it works okay, but I miss him a lot. Distance sucks.

My boyfriend and I have been together just over two years, but I made it clear from the get-go that I don't want to get married until I'm done with vet school. Luckily he's on the same page about that, and is in no rush to settle down. His mom doesn't seem to get that and is constantly hinting that marriage and kids might be on the way, but I think that's just because he's an only child and she can't wait for grandkids. Meanwhile my parents didn't get married until they were in their mid-30s, and I've got two half-siblings much older than me who are already married with multiple kids, so my parents are the "don't get married until you're 40!!" type. My cousin who's six years older than me got married last weekend, and I guess a couple family members commented "are you two next?" to my boyfriend. Logically we probably are unless one of my nieces or nephews gets married young, but it will still be a while!

We talk about how we want our wedding/marriage/future kids to be a lot, but there's always the caveat of "maybe this will be with you, maybe not, we'll see what happens." Timing worked out that he'll be transferring from community college to a 4-year university at the same time I'll hopefully be starting vet school, so most likely he'll be going wherever I get in, and we'll be living together there. If he ends up wanting to go somewhere different than wherever I'm going, we'll probably break up, because I've done the whole long-distance thing twice before and it ended badly both times. I don't want to put that stress on myself while also starting vet school, and he's not into the idea of long distance either. If I don't get in anywhere this cycle... well, we'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

 

[FerociousLlamas]

I am so lonely

 

[WildZoo]

I am so lonely

Come here, let me give you a hug

 

[WildZoo]

My bf and I are trying to come up with something fun to do for our 4th anniversary. Most likely we'll end up doing some combination of video games, dinner, and a movie. And I'm ok with that because those are all things that I love But I was wondering if you guys had any cool ideas because he wanted to try to do something a little less...everyday I guess

 

[that redhead]

My bf and I are trying to come up with something fun to do for our 4th anniversary. Most likely we'll end up doing some combination of video games, dinner, and a movie. And I'm ok with that because those are all things that I love But I was wondering if you guys had any cool ideas because he wanted to try to do something a little less...everyday I guess

Ice skating, mini-golf, beer/wine tasting event, local free stuff (I google "[city] free events" or similar), a museum, a comedy theater, local craft fair (mostly you will giggle at the hand knitted rabbit hats an the like but there is always cool stuff). I guess it depends where you live but if near enough to a city you be able to find something going on also, maybe even trying a new place for dinner will make things less everyday. Good luck and happy four years!

 

[WildZoo]

Thanks!

 

[pinkpuppy9]

Hi everyone, just hoping for some opinions on what's going on in my relationship. Long story short: I'm applying to my IS and 2 OOS schools. My IS might be a long shot (my 3.6 isn't high enough.... but always hopeful). My other two schools are Illinois and Florida. My boyfriend has a full time, well paying job in the auto industry. He is working towards building up a 401K and all of that stuff. I am reaching the end of my 6 month internship in Florida (we live in Michigan but are currently long distance due to the internship).

Fast forward to today: I was offered an interview with my current company to interview for another temporary position as a zookeeper trainee (zookeeping is obviously not my first career choice). After a few hours of thought, I turned it down because I'd like to go home and offer the interview slot for someone who WANTS that job. Telling my boyfriend this opened a can of worms. Is it so wrong for me to expect someone who tells me he wants to marry me to stand by my side through vet school, even if I end up OOS? He says he has been deeply struggling throughout these 6 months, but has never given me any hint of that until tonight. I can't really comprehend someone calling me the love of his life, but telling me he's not willing to do 4 years of intermittent long distance (considering school breaks) after experiencing these 6 months (during which I've flown home and he's flown here). To me, if I am the love of his life, he would support me during that and be happy when I'm a DVM and back in Michigan with him.

I do not want him to quit, and he wouldn't quit to be with me during vet school. He doesn't seem to understand why I feel so hopeless about getting into my IS either. I understand there are sacrifices individuals make to allow relationships to work, but is asking him to be with me during another 4 years wrong on my part? I'm entertaining the idea of turning down any offers of acceptance from the OOS schools (should they be offered) in order to quickly retake classes and apply only to my IS from now own.

Another problem: I'm struggling to find a veterinary-related job back home. I know it doesn't HAVE to be in a clinic, but as a person trying to get into vet school....you see where I'm coming from.

 

[StartingoverVet]

Hi everyone, just hoping for some opinions on what's going on in my relationship. Long story short: I'm applying to my IS and 2 OOS schools. My IS might be a long shot (my 3.6 isn't high enough.... but always hopeful). My other two schools are Illinois and Florida. My boyfriend has a full time, well paying job in the auto industry. He is working towards building up a 401K and all of that stuff. I am reaching the end of my 6 month internship in Florida (we live in Michigan but are currently long distance due to the internship).

Fast forward to today: I was offered an interview with my current company to interview for another temporary position as a zookeeper trainee (zookeeping is obviously not my first career choice). After a few hours of thought, I turned it down because I'd like to go home and offer the interview slot for someone who WANTS that job. Telling my boyfriend this opened a can of worms. Is it so wrong for me to expect someone who tells me he wants to marry me to stand by my side through vet school, even if I end up OOS? He says he has been deeply struggling throughout these 6 months, but has never given me any hint of that until tonight. I can't really comprehend someone calling me the love of his life, but telling me he's not willing to do 4 years of intermittent long distance (considering school breaks) after experiencing these 6 months (during which I've flown home and he's flown here). To me, if I am the love of his life, he would support me during that and be happy when I'm a DVM and back in Michigan with him.

I do not want him to quit, and he wouldn't quit to be with me during vet school. He doesn't seem to understand why I feel so hopeless about getting into my IS either. I understand there are sacrifices individuals make to allow relationships to work, but is asking him to be with me during another 4 years wrong on my part? I'm entertaining the idea of turning down any offers of acceptance from the OOS schools (should they be offered) in order to quickly retake classes and apply only to my IS from now own.

Another problem: I'm struggling to find a veterinary-related job back home. I know it doesn't HAVE to be in a clinic, but as a person trying to get into vet school....you see where I'm coming from.

Why are you so negative on your IS? 3.6 is fine.

Calculate your SIS. http://cvm.msu.edu/student-information/dvm-program-admissions/scholastic-indicator-score-calculator
with a 3.6 in both categories, and 160s on your GRE you would be above 900. competitve SIS for entry was 800-820.

 

[pinkpuppy9]

Why are you so negative on your IS? 3.6 is fine.

Calculate your SIS. http://cvm.msu.edu/student-information/dvm-program-admissions/scholastic-indicator-score-calculator
with a 3.6 in both categories, and 160s on your GRE you would be above 900. competitve SIS for entry was 800-820.

My science GPA is a bit lower. I have an 820ish SIS. Which definitely landed me an interview, but won't be competitive enough to last me long in the process, unfortunately.

 

[PppermintTwist]

I think it's important to try and understand where your SO is coming from. You need to listen to each other and try to understand where the other person is coming from.

SO is trying to tell you that it is really hard for him to be away from you and those are valid feelings. He may be feeling like he is not an important enough part of your life and that his goals and feelings always come second to yours.

Try to communicate better and more often. Talk about his dreams/aspirations and what he has to do to make them happen. And then talk about what you have to do in order to get where you want to be.

Does your dream include him?

Try to make a plan for the next five years that you both are happy with.

Also if you got an interview then don't write yourself off, rock the interview! Don't go in feeling defeated because it will show.

 

[StartingoverVet]

Also if you got an interview then don't write yourself off, rock the interview! Don't go in feeling defeated because it will show.

I am staying away from the relationship advice...

but I really don't understand all the negativity about getting in. As far as I can see, you are a typical candidate for acceptance.
I wonder why you are "choosing" to be so negative about it. Are you sure you really want to go there? Is you BF picking some ambivalence on your part?

Why even make a big deal about this when you don't know how things are going to play out?

My advice is 1) chill for now, see how things proceed.
2) Think about what you REALLY want. I could be 100% wrong, but I am not sure you are being honest with yourself.

 

[that redhead]

Is it so wrong for me to expect someone who tells me he wants to marry me to stand by my side through vet school, even if I end up OOS? He says he has been deeply struggling throughout these 6 months, but has never given me any hint of that until tonight. I can't really comprehend someone calling me the love of his life, but telling me he's not willing to do 4 years of intermittent long distance (considering school breaks) after experiencing these 6 months (during which I've flown home and he's flown here). To me, if I am the love of his life, he would support me during that and be happy when I'm a DVM and back in Michigan with him.

I tell a lot of people that distance can work and not to be pessimistic about it just because of what other people say. However, distance is not for everyone. Distance is tough at the best of times, and nearly unbearable during the hard times. It may be that your boyfriend kept a lid on his struggles because he felt like it would only be six months and then it'd be over. Now that he's looking at the possibility of four years, I imagine he's balking a little because it's a long time, whether or not you're the love of his life.

I told my SO when I got accepted to school out of the country that I wanted to both be with him and to pursue my career goals. I didn't want to resent him later if I turned down my one acceptance, but I didn't want my career aspirations to completely ruin my relationship. Long story short, we're now married and will (FINALLY) be finishing the long distance thing tomorrow when he comes to pick me up.

My advice to you is to talk to your boyfriend about this as non-emotionally as possible. Instead of saying things like, "Well if you really loved me you would do this" and other such emotionally charged statements, just listen to what he has to say. Both of your feelings are valid and important, but your decisions will ultimately be yours to make, not his. If he isn't up to distance for four more years - and I wouldn't blame him, it's pretty rough - then you need to respect that and make your decision.

 

[LyraGardenia]

I'm entertaining the idea of turning down any offers of acceptance from the OOS schools (should they be offered) in order to quickly retake classes and apply only to my IS from now own.

I agree with everything TRH said, and I also agree with SOV to try to stay positive about your chances of admission. But I would add that if I were you, I would never in a million years turn down an OOS admissions offer in order to try applying IS again. If that's what YOU want to do because you only want to go to Michigan for whatever reason (lower cost, proximity to SO, specific benefits about the school, etc.), fine, but going that route just because you're scared he'll break things off if you go OOS sounds rather reckless. Maybe I just have that view because I'm still hoping to get accepted somewhere myself, but IMO there are very few good reasons to turn down an admissions offer and apply again.

Like TRH said, long-distance is really difficult and isn't for everyone. I've been in two long-distance relationships and would never do it again no matter who I was with, unless I were SURE it were for a very limited amount of time. If he doesn't want to do long-distance for four years, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means that situation isn't for him. However, if he truly loves you he would want you to follow your dream of becoming a vet, wherever you end up going to accomplish that.

 

[Minnerbelle]

My science GPA is a bit lower. I have an 820ish SIS. Which definitely landed me an interview, but won't be competitive enough to last me long in the process, unfortunately.

You'll never get in if you go into your interview with that attitude!!! If you are good enough to get an interview, you go into it like you own it. You can't go in sulking because you feel like you're not on a leveled playing field.

 

[pinkpuppy9]

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate it. I really should be more positive about the interview thing, but the fact that they are interviewing 420 people kind of kills me haha. I am prepping for it now though, so hopefully I can rock it.

My boyfriend has absolutely said he will never stop me from attending an OOS school. This is his first long-distance, this is my second (my ex and I were together for 6 years on and off, about 3 of those semi-long distance). I am also very independent and he isn't as much, so I think that could be why he's struggling so much. He just keeps saying that if I do end up far away, "our paths no longer intertwine." My point of view is that you can make it work, it is just a lot of effort.

Lyra, you are right, I really shouldn't turn down any offers. At this stage in my life (the ripe old age of 22 lol), I'm just starting to weigh the pros and cons of losing someone I can truly spend the rest of my life with in order to have my preferred career, or the opposite.

 

[Puffins]

Necro bumping this thread for all those starting vet school in the fall who are in relationships. I'm married and I'm dreading the effect school will have on my relationship because I'll be so busy. We won't be LD, though, and my husband is also a student so he does't live the typical 9-5, either. Still, vet school is bound to impact our relationship. I'm sure others are in the same boat. :wishwehadaboatemoji:

 

[twelvetigers]

Assuming we last the next 3 months, we made it from start to finish without a problem. It's not a death sentence to relationships. Just communicate well and make time for each other.

 

[KitCat]

How do those of you that are out of state students handle the SO (or family member/s) visiting or you visiting them? Are visits only able to happen during the summer and holiday breaks? How often do you visit one another and for how long?

 

[dyachei]

How do those of you that are out of state students handle the SO (or family member/s) visiting or you visiting them? Are visits only able to happen during the summer and holiday breaks? How often do you visit one another and for how long?

It depends on you and your living situation. My then boyfriend used to spend some weekends in TN when he lived in GA. I would occasionally go to GA for a weekend, too. If you can keep up with your studies and meet your commitments, you can spend as much time together as you want. So visits can happen whenever, you just have to give yourself time to figure out how to study for vet school so you can pass courses and meet the requirements of school (some have attendance policies for some classes, etc).

 

[that redhead]

How do those of you that are out of state students handle the SO (or family member/s) visiting or you visiting them? Are visits only able to happen during the summer and holiday breaks? How often do you visit one another and for how long?

He came to visit mostly during our three day weekends and "spring break"; I was home for Christmas. We were pretty much limited to those days I was off - too much going on to skip classes/labs. We visited usually once per semester (about every eight weeks) but we were 1200 miles/an international border/a lot more expensive plane tickets apart. It was usually Fri night - Sunday AM, but our spring break was 5 days long so we had an extra day then.