Relationship Center

Veterinary Science Graduate Certificate from UofI
This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.
Nekkid said:
It may be that he feels like you're making all of these big life decisions without really considering what he wants or considering what it will do to you're relationship. It sounds like that isn't the case, but guys often feel left out (in my experience). I'd sit down and have a talk and focus on his feelings and not yours. If he's still being a dickwad, then dump him. It's not worth wasting your time with a guy that doesn't support you. It wouldn't last anyway.
Click to expand...

Seems like the guy has some legitimate concerns, especially if it's in the context of a long term, mutual relationship.

If you're planning on, or at least considering marriage, debt load is something for him to think about, especially since he'll be entangled in it.

I think we're all so used to being single minded about this pursuit, and it's hard to wrap our heads around how these decisions may impact others. If I were on the other side of the argument, I'd be wondering how "supporting your goals" had turned into "I will move anywhere, and do anything with no functional input."

If it's a real, mutual relationship, then the decisions should be made mutually.
Members don't see this ad.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
dmb320 said:
Oh man this is great!

I'm applying to vet school now... locations all over. I'd love to go to my IS if I'm accepted, but there's a chance I'll move.

Been dating someone for a year on and off, and a few not so pretty traits are coming out. He was unsupportive of me volunteering abroad this year for 6 months because he said he couldn't see the benefit... I'm managing a goat dairy which I think is pretty dang awesome! :confused: , and now he's made it clear he's unsupportive of me leaving my state to go to school... and is being generally really negative about the amount of student debt that vet school entails.

To be honest, I am seriously doubting the relationship. How can you love someone but not support any of their goals?
Click to expand...

Ok here I go. I was you once. I was you 8 months ago. I wanted vet school, I wanted to move back to FL from NY, and everything I was doing with MY life was important. My BF of almost 4 years disagreed. He didn't want to move to FL, he was enrolled in an awesome, specialized university in NY, he hates hot weather, we had a house in NY. I thought he was being a complete A hole for not packing up everything we had, following me to live in an apartment in a town he hates and probably couldn't find a job in, to see me once maybe twice a week when I'm not at the library studying.

I took a step back and tried to understand from his point of view, which was actually extremely valid. He was offered a tremendous job opportunity making enough money to help me pay for expenses, and his own while I was in vet school. My thought was continually "money doesn't matter, if you love me you'll come" :rolleyes:
I'm sure your situation isn't exactly the same but my point here is that once I took a step back, listened to his concerns and realized they weren't just for himself but for OUR future, it all made more sense. Your life together is about what both of you want. That doesn't always mean following each other around. It took me a while to learn that the hard way, and now things are better than they have ever been with us. I moved to FL for vet school and he stayed in NY. He comes to visit me every 4-6 weeks and our relationship is stronger than ever.

It sounds like your BF is being practical about the money aspect of it all. That is half the reason my BF stayed in NY. He makes a stupid amount of money and is able to contribute to my expenses. The money aspect is a gigantic undertaking and I think it is fair for him to worry about it. Hell, people who want to go to veterinary school sometimes shy away due to the debt, so you can't blame someone who doesn't even want to go for being hesitant about it.

All that being said, my BF is 157% supportive of me and my goals and has been incredible in that sense. If the problem is truly that your BF is not being supportive, that's a different story. But take a step back and really try to understand his concerns first. If he is just plain unsupportive, then peace out.
 
At the same time, they've been dating for "a year, on and off". To me, that doesn't translate to, "I'm concerned about the impact of something you've wanted to do for longer than you've probably been dating me on our long term future together."

Not saying that you should disregard his concerns or dump him immediately, but a solid discussion is in order. If he does see this as a long term relationship, you'll want the cards on the table starting now. If he isn't supportive of it now, I can't see him becoming supportive when you're eyeball deep in vet school so best to get him on board with you now, if possible.
 
Members don't see this ad :)
Emiloo4 said:
I was going through similar when I was trying to apply, work 50 hours a week, and take 3 classes. :rolleyes:
Things are fantastic between us now, but at the time, what I did was use it as motivation. I used the sadness as a pushing factor to push harder for something I knew would make me happy and proud of myself. I used to say outloud to myself "Rock this exam/ get this app done so you can get out of here and make yourself happy". Breakups are never easy and people deal with them differently, but I would say to find someway to make this a motivation to move on to bigger and better things (vet school) :D Because in the end, you don't want to be saying "Oh I didn't get in this year because I was moping over that guy I don't even speak to anymore... what a waste"
Click to expand...
I'm starting to use the sadness as a way to work harder now. I was really depressed all last week, but I've been closer to myself these past two days. Well, maybe a little happier. I got my Michigan State supplemental essays finished, so everything worked out. My adviser talked me through them, so I was able to write them even in my depressed state.

I still want my ex back, but it's going to take some time if it ever does happen. He says he wants to be back on friendly terms, but he's avoiding contact with me.
 
nohika said:
And volunteering abroad? Unless it was free (then in that case, go ahead! he's being a jerk! :D), in theory that can also cost quite a bit and put a strain on those that don't go. Maybe to him the cost/benefit analysis wasn't high enough.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the comments!

It was free :) Actually I was getting paid even, but pretty negligibly... and working for the UN! and getting 10% of my undergrad loans cancelled afterwards! :confused: In my mind, the fact that it was only 6 months was a great way to boost my res quickly and get some loans off my back. And we were living in different states to begin with, so it's not like we aren't used to distance. I guess that's why I worry when he treats me like I'm out here petting kittens, avoiding a real job. Truth is, I was lucky to get the opportunity and am now busting my little butt to get everything out of it I possibly can. I have a feeling, being an engineer, he will inherently never understand the value of anything but being an engineer... :(

All in all, I guess deep down I know the answer to my own question. If I could pick where to go on my own accord, I'd agree 100% with going IS etc. etc. , but I'm not ready to give up going to vet school because the perfect acceptance didn't fall into my lap!
 
I think this whole application process is so stressful, and is a bit more so for those of us in relationships.

For me personally, it is the fact that there is so much in the unknown. I applied to 6 schools, and I have NO IDEA whether or not I'll get in. Or where. If I don't get in - that's fine, I'll better my application and reapply. But the fact I feel like I'm stringing along my girlfriend (of 3.5 years) with the possibility of uprooting everything and moving makes things way worse. I feel like not only can I not plan out what my future holds, but she can't either.

Anyways, just venting slash commiserating.
 
dmb320 said:
Thanks for the comments!

It was free :) Actually I was getting paid even, but pretty negligibly... and working for the UN! and getting 10% of my undergrad loans cancelled afterwards! :confused: In my mind, the fact that it was only 6 months was a great way to boost my res quickly and get some loans off my back. And we were living in different states to begin with, so it's not like we aren't used to distance. I guess that's why I worry when he treats me like I'm out here petting kittens, avoiding a real job. Truth is, I was lucky to get the opportunity and am now busting my little butt to get everything out of it I possibly can. I have a feeling, being an engineer, he will inherently never understand the value of anything but being an engineer... :(

All in all, I guess deep down I know the answer to my own question. If I could pick where to go on my own accord, I'd agree 100% with going IS etc. etc. , but I'm not ready to give up going to vet school because the perfect acceptance didn't fall into my lap!
Click to expand...

Have you sat down (through skype, for example) and talked to him about it? Do you talk often? It could be quite possible he doesn't know exactly what you go through on a daily basis.

Relationships are generally in trouble when both parties are having issues. It's not fair to blame everything on your partner (not in most cases, anyways). Did you tell him how much it meant to you to go? What effect it would have on your resume, on your applications? Have you explained to him how the process works?

If you have assumptions about what he'll be able to understand, you're basically lowering the likelihood that he will ever understand because you'll be approaching conversation with him with that mindset. :) Video-chat or something would be an awesome way to metaphorically sit down and hash things out. Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? The more you assume, the more likely it is that your assumptions will happen. :)

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. :oops: I'm always willing to listen/offer a friendly ear.
 
dmb320 said:
I have a feeling, being an engineer, he will inherently never understand the value of anything but being an engineer... :(
Click to expand...

Oh yes, the engineer bias... that's hard to overcome. My bf and I still butt heads about that once in a while. With him, it's not so much that he doesn't see the value in the vet profession. He has a ton of respect for it. And he totally respects me for the work I put into it. But the vet med route is so impractical financially (esp in my case where the cost of higher education is ~half million dollars), while engineering for him was very financially rewarding with minimal educational costs. We both knew all along that if we start a household together post-grad, then he will be the main bread-winner. I bring negative income, and my goal is to use my earnings to pay back as much of my loans as quickly as possible and minimizing the negative financial impact on our future.

So his perspective (and I totally agree) isn't that I need to be put on a pedestal for going to vet school and that he needs to drop everything he has built for himself to support me in my endeavors. My bf and I met while I was applying to vet school, so this dream of vet school was not one we built and planned together. In our relationship, I am the one with the luxury of following my dreams of playing with puppies and kittens all day rather than sitting in a cubicle/office on a computer. So when it gets to the "where are we going to compromise in terms of jobs/location" thing, his job satisfaction takes precedence. I don't think that makes him unsupportive. The job outlook and debt and crap is stressful enough for me to handle, and I'm the one chasing my dreams. I can't imagine the stress it causes on my bf who knows he has to share this burden, just because he chose me as his partner.

dmb, I don't know you or your bf, so I dunno exactly what your bf's dissatisfaction means... but before you dismiss him entirely, I would try to figure out if his negativity is truly lack of support or if he's trying to compute the future (engineers tend to be a practical bunch) and is bringing up worries. There's a big difference between "your dreams are stupid and not worth it" and "i support your dreams, but damn it's hard." The latter to me says he's really thinking about it and takes your future seriously :). Or I could be just deluding myself and trying to drag you along, but whatevs...
 
Minnerbelle said:
So his perspective (and I totally agree) isn't that I need to be put on a pedestal for going to vet school and that he needs to drop everything he has built for himself to support me in my endeavors. My bf and I met while I was applying to vet school, so this dream of vet school was not one we built and planned together. In our relationship, I am the one with the luxury of following my dreams of playing with puppies and kittens all day rather than sitting in a cubicle/office on a computer. So when it gets to the "where are we going to compromise in terms of jobs/location" thing, his job satisfaction takes precedence. I don't think that makes him unsupportive. The job outlook and debt and crap is stressful enough for me to handle, and I'm the one chasing my dreams. I can't imagine the stress it causes on my bf who knows he has to share this burden, just because he chose me as his partner.
Click to expand...

It's not just engineers. My hubby comes from a financial analyst background and feels pretty much the same way. He is my rock and fully supports what I have chosen to do (which is put off having a family, move 3000 miles away to a foreign country and incur ~300K in debt), but it doesn't mean that he likes it. When we talked about this decision and what it meant to "us" there were definitely some difficult times. But for him it was important to maintain a job that he likes where he has relative security. It also meant that he stayed in the U.S. while I moved to Scotland.

And it is hard not to be selfish when thinking about a decision like that. The natural thought is "he just chose his job over me." But in reality, he is sacrificing SOOOO much more than I am. Looking at it from that perspective is hard at first, but now that I can see it that way, I am constantly telling him that I need to be more supportive of him. Sometimes it helps if the other person just hears that you understand where they are coming from, and maybe even bring up ideas of how to alleviate some of their concerns.
 
I agree soooo wholeheartedly with the previous 2 posters. The sooner you accept that veterinary school IS a selfish pursuit in itself, and can genuinely see that, the easier relationships get. Sure, there are some partners out there that are asses, but most of them are ordinary people trying to realise exactly what the huge amount of debt/drain of the time/extremely stressful endevour that vet school is. And when you objectively think about vet school the way the Minner and packen put it, it takes a HUGE amount of love and sacrifice for a partner to say "yeah, sure, lets go for it". And I don't think it makes them a bad person to say "actually, I'm not down with that, I can't live like that, I'm walking away now". Because when you get to the end of vet school, you will look back and realise that the people who supported you and carried you through had just as much a role in you graduating as you did.

So dmb i think its time to sit down and have a big chat. And not the "your not supporting me why arent you being supportive!!!" but more a very large chat about where your relationship is headed overall, your dreams, hopes and aspirations for it and where you both see each other in 5 years. Because it is a huge commitment to support someone emotionally through this process, let alone financially, so I think you guys might need to have a chat about commitment in general.

In a completely unrelated note, Nohika, I'm glad your still here! You seem to have grown up so much into a mature young woman who is in control of her life. Kudos to you for overcoming all the personal difficulties you were having, I wish you all the very best!
 
Dmb, it also might be worth laying out a detailed financial plan for him. Because he's got the engineer brain, it might help him to see that you're not going into this blindly, and you know exactly how you are going to deal with the debt from vet school. What loans are available, what's the interest on them, and how long (at a vet's starting salary) will it take you to pay off? If he sees you've got things under control, then he might be more at ease.

The more he understands the better it will be. My bf is in vet school, so thankfully we both know the cost and time involved and are supportive of each other. Even then, though, we still disagree sometimes about these things. Sitting down and talking (or skyping in your case :) ) it through can do a world of good. Arguments like yours going to happen in any relationship when something as time consuming and financially burdensome as vet school. Even if your bf doesn't completely understand the vet school endeavor, it's extremely important that he is there for you when you need somebody to lean on.
 
Minnerbelle said:
With him, it's not so much that he doesn't see the value in the vet profession. He has a ton of respect for it. And he totally respects me for the work I put into it. But the vet med route is so impractical financially (esp in my case where the cost of higher education is ~half million dollars), while engineering for him was very financially rewarding with minimal educational costs. We both knew all along that if we start a household together post-grad, then he will be the main bread-winner. I bring negative income, and my goal is to use my earnings to pay back as much of my loans as quickly as possible and minimizing the negative financial impact on our future.

So his perspective (and I totally agree) isn't that I need to be put on a pedestal for going to vet school and that he needs to drop everything he has built for himself to support me in my endeavors... So when it gets to the "where are we going to compromise in terms of jobs/location" thing, his job satisfaction takes precedence. I don't think that makes him unsupportive. The job outlook and debt and crap is stressful enough for me to handle, and I'm the one chasing my dreams. I can't imagine the stress it causes on my bf who knows he has to share this burden, just because he chose me as his partner.
Click to expand...

This all applies pretty much 100% to my relationship, engineer and all. He is 100% supportive of me and respects what I'm doing but I think he (well, both of us) really don't like that I had to come all the way to Canada to get it done. (Which is my fault for having a crappy undergrad GPA, but whatever.) And everyone was asking if he'd come up here with me and the answer was no, because at home, he has a stable job that pays well, has a rent-free living situation and has bosses that love him and are always looking to move him up to the next spot. Not sure why I'd ask him to leave that behind so he could come up here and be miserable. And then we got engaged and people assume NOW he'll come up to live with me and it's like no, now it's even more important to keep swimming so he can save for a house for us :rolleyes: I'm sure it will be tough down the line to accept that basically all of my immediate income will have to go towards my debt, but he doesn't have a problem with that. I got pretty lucky:)
 
This is not super related, but I'm really glad to hear that other engineers also have the "if it's not engineering, it's useless" mentality... makes me want to shoot the bf pretty often. :laugh:

I also notice that veterinarians and engineers tend to marry/date a LOT - like half the vets I know are married to engineers. I always found that kind of funny, because I think engineers in general tend to not be super animally-people.
 
Members don't see this ad :)
Trilt said:
This is not super related, but I'm really glad to hear that other engineers also have the "if it's not engineering, it's useless" mentality... makes me want to shoot the bf pretty often. :laugh:

I also notice that veterinarians and engineers tend to marry/date a LOT - like half the vets I know are married to engineers. I always found that kind of funny, because I think engineers in general tend to not be super animally-people.
Click to expand...

My ex is an engineer. Never again!
 
I have an engineer too, haha.

We started dating when I was 17 and I already had my mind set on vet med so... he came into it knowing what he was in for, at least relatively so.

Why do vet students date engineers? (Although it's a pretty broad field - mine certainly isn't a civil engineer).
 
twelvetigers said:
Why do vet students date engineers? (Although it's a pretty broad field - mine certainly isn't a civil engineer).
Click to expand...

I think in general, engineering is a tough field (academically and in the "real world") witha lot of hard working, smart people- kind of like vet med. Not to say that other fields don't have smart people, but I think the general parallel is strong.
 
Mine is engineering too lol. Just to add to the tally :D
 
I think my engineer bf and I work out because he can hide his absolute love of animals (esp his kitty) and use me as an excuse. He's too much of a manly "dude" to admit it, much less live a life revolving around our animals on his own.
 
Mine is IT - just to be a little different. He knew when he met me that I would be applying to vet school the next year. He was very supportive of me the entire way. When I chose schools to apply to, I tried to stick near where he was. When I got in to UTK, he used to commute 2-3 hours at least once a month to visit me until we moved in together in 2nd year.
 
My dad's an engineer, but not my bf. :laugh: My bf is a history nerd major. We, um, haven't had our Serious Talk about the Future yet. I'm just holding on to this semester, and we can deal with it in late January when we'll both have a better idea of what that Future looks like.
 
I'm a career-changing engineer. My husband is in the Navy and he's a fitness, nutrition, and health dweeb.
 
Future hubby is in the Army. I had vet school on my radar when we met.. He joined the army 2 yrs into our relationship.. And I wasn't very happy with it at first. Now, I'm a proud Army wife in training :) we have been in a LDR for almost two years and we make it work. :love: :love:
 
I honestly don't know what to say about most of this conversation. It makes me very uncomfortable. I guess it's hard for me to really put into words how I feel about the thought of another person trying to tell me what's best for me without my asking for their input. I anticipate such a thing would end violently.
 
nyanko said:
I guess it's hard for me to really put into words how I feel about the thought of another person trying to tell me what's best for me without my asking for their input.
Click to expand...

I guess for me, I was never "told what was best for me". I wouldn't stand for that condescending BS either, frankly. We discussed the logistics of LDR, we acknowledged that I'd have a lot of debt and couldn't contribute to, say, a down payment on a house. But it was never him telling me what to do or how to live my life. Ain't nobody got time for that!
 
Most of the guys I have dated have been engineers..two electrical engineers, a mechanical engineer, an industrial engineer, a computer engineer.....I'm an engineer connoisseur :laugh:. I like them - they tend to be practical and dedicated. They may not be super-crazy animal people, but I find they usually tend to like cats (stereotype but hey, it's what I've seen ;) )

WW is a bioinformatics programmer, although he was a biomedical sciences major way back in undergrad while simultaneously being in the Corps, and wanted to go to vet school for a long time. He has a very engineer-type mindset, loves organization and cleaning, refuses to stop until a problem is fixed, etc....however, this also means he can be amazingly stubborn on occasion :laugh:

However, it was one of these engineers that I ended up breaking up with, after a four year relationship, over vet school. He didn't want me to go for many reasons, but the top one was "when we are married, your debt will be my debt" (which is total bull****, I don't expect anyone else to pay my loans, but I somewhat understand. He wanted me to be a SAHM, which has it's own issues..I was 21 or so and was in no way ready for kiddos)
 
Last edited:
I'm with a mechanical engineer. Never realized how common the vet/engineer thing is!
 
My guy is an accountant (and I'm and OOS student:eek:). He calls me his "liability girlfriend". Oddly enough, while he has a masters in some kind of money thing, he is working on another degree in mechanical engineering!!! It is nuts!!
 
Wow guys. Your significant others seem to know what they're doing with their lives. Mine doesn't. Something tells me that I'm going to be the bread winner in this family. Don't tell him I said that. :hungover:
 
Oh wow, this is great, ha. :)

Nice to see others with similar situations that have survived!

Yeah, I guess sometimes it's borderline condescension, and I'm a veryyyyy independent person... so it's something we both are working on coming to the middle on. But we started dating about a month before I graduated undergrad... so from my pov, he knew I was already scheduled to go abroad and then apply to vet school we we started all this. I'm wondering if maybe he thought I'd change my mind, give up, and stay at home after awhile... which is a bit sad I think.

Also doesn't help that my friends and family don't support the relationship. Dad told me he thinks he's too bossy for my 'free-spirit' ha.
 
My SO is a pHd student in comparative literature.

At least we will be able to collect unemployment together:cool:

Oh shoot, you actually need a job first for that... :oops:
 
EngrSC said:
I didn't know you were an engineer too :)
Click to expand...

I was in the telecom industry for 15ish years. Before that I worked at a supercomputer center that sold cpu cycles to oil companies, pharmaceuticals, that sort of stuff (until cycles became so much cheaper to just host in your own data center).
 
Minnerbelle said:
Oh yes, the engineer bias... that's hard to overcome. My bf and I still butt heads about that once in a while. With him, it's not so much that he doesn't see the value in the vet profession. He has a ton of respect for it. And he totally respects me for the work I put into it. But the vet med route is so impractical financially (esp in my case where the cost of higher education is ~half million dollars), while engineering for him was very financially rewarding with minimal educational costs.
Click to expand...

Now THAT sounds familiar! I also have an engineer (aerospace), and have a history of dating engineers. It's the exact same situation with us, where my dreams are VERY impractical from a financial standpoint, while his are very financially beneficial. At 23, he's already working on his 401K and leasing a BMW, while I'm.... not doing any of those things. He knows how passionate I am, and supports me fully, but he has also been somewhat vocal about the massive amount of debt I'm incurring.

And seriously, what is it with vets/engineers? I had no idea it was such a common pairing! I think my guy and I get along well because we're both science-minded and pragmatic. And since we come from different points on the scientific spectrum, we get to teach each other stuff.
It may also be because most of the engineers I've met are HUGE nerds and vet students.... well, we're nerds too! :laugh:



Edit: someone should make a survey of SO careers, so we can look for correlations!
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
The corporate cuddling and cat yodeling makes me laugh so much. Can't stop. :laugh:
 
Maybe the vet/engineer pairing has to do with how stereo-typically skewed the two professions are in the opposite genders :p

My SO is a software engineer, but he doesn't consider himself an engineer. He just really loves programming! Thankfully he has been 100% supportive of me from my transition into vet school. I don't think he really understood how much hard work it was going to be at first and how I wasn't going to be able to pay as much attention to him as before, but he's adjusting pretty well. We still find time to play a video game together or go out to eat every once in a while, and that's helped a lot. He's also helping me financially, which is so incredible. I consider myself very lucky :)
 
sazor2412 said:
This is by far my favorite:D not sure why but it makes me chuckle!:laugh:
Click to expand...

There is a significant age difference between us, so at one point I was telling someone about my first rock concert and BF realized that he had been working the lights for it (the tour, that is. I saw it in another state.) :smuggrin:
 
fromthebox said:
There is a significant age difference between us, so at one point I was telling someone about my first rock concert and BF realized that he had been working the lights for it (the tour, that is. I saw it in another state.) :smuggrin:
Click to expand...

Thats awesome!:D
 
kanderson615 said:
Maybe the vet/engineer pairing has to do with how stereo-typically skewed the two professions are in the opposite genders :p

My SO is a software engineer, but he doesn't consider himself an engineer. He just really loves programming! Thankfully he has been 100% supportive of me from my transition into vet school. I don't think he really understood how much hard work it was going to be at first and how I wasn't going to be able to pay as much attention to him as before, but he's adjusting pretty well. We still find time to play a video game together or go out to eat every once in a while, and that's helped a lot. He's also helping me financially, which is so incredible. I consider myself very lucky :)
Click to expand...

My SO's also a software engineer and would be very, very unhappy if someone didn't consider him an engineer, haha. :rolleyes:
 
haha well you can scratch me off of the vet/engineer gender theory. My girlfriend is a mechanical engineer and I got a bachelors and masters in engineering and am now applying for vet med (I'm also a girl).
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Next unread thread

Similar threads

B
  • Question
GRE Test Center Pittsburgh
Replies
1
Views
2K
Viscernable
Viscernable
M
Long Distance Relationships while in Vet School
Replies
25
Views
6K
Minnerbelle
Minnerbelle
C
Relationships in vet school
2 3
Replies
119
Views
9K
cheathac
cheathac
heyyimhayley
vet schools with fitness centers
Replies
20
Views
2K
hbr1704
H
KitCat
Should I wait/taking relationship international?
Replies
3
Views
1K
Easnadh
E
Top