Relationship Center

[Emiloo4]

Oh man, I need some advice (or just general hand holding).

I'm a non-trad applicant. Married. And my husband just decided that instead of finishing up his education degree he wants to pursue History and get his PhD. The "plan" was that he would support us while I was at vet school and now... the plan is no more. We both have some student loan debt from our undergrads (although I am not someone who is extremely wary of borrowing more - I'd rather we both have jobs we love, even if it means being poor) so we're going to have to juggle that while we're both in school again at the same time. Thankfully, unlike vet school, it seems like most PhD programs are funded (+stipend) so as long as he could get into one, cost for him wouldn't be a huge problem. The biggest problem will be paying the undergrad student loans while we're both in grad school (his loans are private so they don't go into deferment if you're back in school. Major suckage.).

I'm not sure what my question here is, but general advice would be appreciated. I'm a planner, complete with spreadsheets and lists, so now that the plan is gone I'm feeling extreeeeemely anxious.

Why couldn't you defer undergrad loans?

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[felinelvr44]

Why couldn't you defer undergrad loans?

I can defer mine but his are private. And private loans suuuuck. They are not eligible for deferrment, period. He's in school now (finishing undergrad - we're both non-trad) and we are paying his tuition + student loan bills. It's not fun.

 

[Kpowell14]

6 days till I see my husband after 6 months of deployment (though I did get to visit him in early October)

This is me being jealous lol I'm really happy for you!!

Awesome! 3 weeks until I'm at a ski resort with my love
Our room has a fireplace and jacuzzi in it!

Ohh booooy


I'm a little more than a month into my first deployment.. And I'm kicking it's butt

 

[Emiloo4]

I'm a little more than a month into my first deployment.. And I'm kicking it's butt

You absolutely are. I'm very impressed. You have the right attitude about it all so keep it up!

 

[EngrSC]

I'm a little more than a month into my first deployment.. And I'm kicking it's butt

Heck yes! Show it who's boss!

 

[tropictuco]

Oh man, I need some advice (or just general hand holding).

I'm a non-trad applicant. Married. And my husband just decided that instead of finishing up his education degree he wants to pursue History and get his PhD. The "plan" was that he would support us while I was at vet school and now... the plan is no more. We both have some student loan debt from our undergrads (although I am not someone who is extremely wary of borrowing more - I'd rather we both have jobs we love, even if it means being poor) so we're going to have to juggle that while we're both in school again at the same time. Thankfully, unlike vet school, it seems like most PhD programs are funded (+stipend) so as long as he could get into one, cost for him wouldn't be a huge problem. The biggest problem will be paying the undergrad student loans while we're both in grad school (his loans are private so they don't go into deferment if you're back in school. Major suckage.).

I'm not sure what my question here is, but general advice would be appreciated. I'm a planner, complete with spreadsheets and lists, so now that the plan is gone I'm feeling extreeeeemely anxious.

My best friend from undergrad is doing this, for the most part. Her fiance is getting a phd and they are living on his stipend while she goes to vet school. I'm pretty sure they both managed to graduate without undergrad debt, though.

The only issue I see is that it might be hard for you both to pick the same school. He might really want to do his PhD with xyz professor at abc university, even though that school doesn't have a vet school/is out of state, etc. That means you might have to have two households, which is really not conducive to money.

 

[StartingoverVet]

Oh man, I need some advice (or just general hand holding).

I'm a non-trad applicant. Married. And my husband just decided that instead of finishing up his education degree he wants to pursue History and get his PhD. The "plan" was that he would support us while I was at vet school and now... the plan is no more. We both have some student loan debt from our undergrads (although I am not someone who is extremely wary of borrowing more - I'd rather we both have jobs we love, even if it means being poor) so we're going to have to juggle that while we're both in school again at the same time. Thankfully, unlike vet school, it seems like most PhD programs are funded (+stipend) so as long as he could get into one, cost for him wouldn't be a huge problem. The biggest problem will be paying the undergrad student loans while we're both in grad school (his loans are private so they don't go into deferment if you're back in school. Major suckage.).

I'm not sure what my question here is, but general advice would be appreciated. I'm a planner, complete with spreadsheets and lists, so now that the plan is gone I'm feeling extreeeeemely anxious.

have him take out additional govt loans during school to pay off the private loan. I am sure the rates should be similar. As a grad student he can take out loans, and you should take out the max you can...

That should cover the major problem.

Good luck.

 

[485501]

The only issue I see is that it might be hard for you both to pick the same school. He might really want to do his PhD with xyz professor at abc university, even though that school doesn't have a vet school/is out of state, etc. That means you might have to have two households, which is really not conducive to money.

Very true. I talked a lot to my advisor in undergrad about this, because my SO is in grad school, and we weren't sure for a while if he was going to be able to get into Davis (it's the only vet school I'll go to, for complicated and boring reasons). My advisor and her husband managed to get into schools 1.5 hours apart for grad school, so they lived in the middle and both commuted every day. It put some strain on their schedules, but they felt it was worth it to be together, and they actually had much cheaper housing because it wasn't in either college town. They did have to do a year apart (one in the Midwest, one in CA) towards the end, and my advisor said she would gladly give up a lot to not do that again, ever.
Every situation is different, but you might want to discuss right now how much you're willing to compromise between living with/close to each other, and going to schools you really want to go to/living in a part of the country you want to live in. My SO and I did that before he even applied to schools, and while he did get in to Davis, it reduced stress a LOT knowing what our limits were in terms of being together/compromising on what school to go to.

 

[felinelvr44]

have him take out additional govt loans during school to pay off the private loan. I am sure the rates should be similar. As a grad student he can take out loans, and you should take out the max you can...

I'm not sure why I didn't think of that. I guess I just figured that since most PhD spots in his field are funded and have a stipend he wouldn't be eligible for federal loans. But, upon further investigation I don't see why he wouldn't be able to get PLUS loans. Thank you for this advice! This would also have the added benefit of "switching" his stinky private loans into federal loans that will be eligible for income based repayment!

Very true. I talked a lot to my advisor in undergrad about this, because my SO is in grad school, and we weren't sure for a while if he was going to be able to get into Davis (it's the only vet school I'll go to, for complicated and boring reasons). My advisor and her husband managed to get into schools 1.5 hours apart for grad school, so they lived in the middle and both commuted every day. It put some strain on their schedules, but they felt it was worth it to be together, and they actually had much cheaper housing because it wasn't in either college town. They did have to do a year apart (one in the Midwest, one in CA) towards the end, and my advisor said she would gladly give up a lot to not do that again, ever.
Every situation is different, but you might want to discuss right now how much you're willing to compromise between living with/close to each other, and going to schools you really want to go to/living in a part of the country you want to live in. My SO and I did that before he even applied to schools, and while he did get in to Davis, it reduced stress a LOT knowing what our limits were in terms of being together/compromising on what school to go to.

We have definitely already discussed this and I agree, knowing that we're both on the same page regarding our priorities on going to the best school versus being close to each other makes it slightly less anxiety inducing. While I wouldn't want to be away from my husband for 4 years of vet school, I know people who have done it and survived. (But if Tufts accepted me... there are so many PhD programs in Boston! )

 

[dvmdreamer]

I need to end the relationship I'm in officially. Its already over and we've just been pretending everything is fine. This sucks.

It has to wait until finals are over though and I need to stop thinking about it and study.

eight and a half years of friendship and nearly two as more.

 

[kernel]

I need to end the relationship I'm in officially. Its already over and we've just been pretending everything is fine. This sucks.

It has to wait until finals are over though and I need to stop thinking about it and study.

eight and a half years of friendship and nearly two as more.

*hugs*

 

[orcagirl]

I've got a question and I'm not really sure where it belongs. My friend (a vet school buddy) just called me this morning and said that she might not be getting married in June anymore. I'm not always sure what to say or do. Anyone have any suggestions on how to be there for her. (She's about 2 hours away right now)

 

[bunnity]

I would just ask if she wants to talk more about it, ask if there's anything you can do for her, let her know that you're here for her and care about her... then check in on her every couple of days (or whatever is appropriate for your level of friendship). Maybe send some cookies in the mail... that pretty much helps anything.

 

[Frozenshades]

I've got a question and I'm not really sure where it belongs. My friend (a vet school buddy) just called me this morning and said that she might not be getting married in June anymore. I'm not always sure what to say or do. Anyone have any suggestions on how to be there for her. (She's about 2 hours away right now)

For big personal issues I think the simple and obvious advice of, be a good friend, will suffice. Now everyone is different, but I think overbearing people, regardless of good intentions, can be some of the worst in bad situations. Yes, your constant thoughts and prayers are nice, but you're also constantly reminding that person of their loss or problem. Yes, you mean well, but it's their problem and ultimately something they need to work through themself . Truthfully, I think the best way to handle these sort of things is to make sure your friend knows you're there for her in any way you can help, but then to more or less stay hands off; continue friendship as usual with nothing abnormal about it. If your friend needs your help or to talk about it, she knows you're willing and she'll come to you, and chances are she will appreciate you respecting her privacy and giving her some space. When something goes wrong, everyone around always seems to want to fix it, so it can be nice to have people to talk to who are looking past that; so if only for a moment you're just with a friend and your current state of existence isn't being judged and defined by others as according to the tragedy that has befallen you. Be that escape where it's just an ordinary day and you enjoy each others' company/discussion.

Sometimes just knowing you have someone to lean on is enough, and there isn't anything to be said, but stand by your friend and be there for when the time comes that there is.

 

[orcagirl]

For big personal issues I think the simple and obvious advice of, be a good friend, will suffice. Now everyone is different, but I think overbearing people, regardless of good intentions, can be some of the worst in bad situations. Yes, your constant thoughts and prayers are nice, but you're also constantly reminding that person of their loss or problem. Yes, you mean well, but it's their problem and ultimately something they need to work through themself . Truthfully, I think the best way to handle these sort of things is to make sure your friend knows you're there for her in any way you can help, but then to more or less stay hands off; continue friendship as usual with nothing abnormal about it. If your friend needs your help or to talk about it, she knows you're willing and she'll come to you, and chances are she will appreciate you respecting her privacy and giving her some space. When something goes wrong, everyone around always seems to want to fix it, so it can be nice to have people to talk to who are looking past that; so if only for a moment you're just with a friend and your current state of existence isn't being judged and defined by others as according to the tragedy that has befallen you. Be that escape where it's just an ordinary day and you enjoy each others' company/discussion.

Sometimes just knowing you have someone to lean on is enough, and there isn't anything to be said, but stand by your friend and be there for when the time comes that there is.

Thanks so much. That sounds like a great plan.

 

[equineconstant]

I was going to bump this anyway, but looking at the rant thread there's a fair number of us worrying about relationships when starting vet school. Hopefully we can get some help and support here.

Here's my story:
I very nearly broke up with my boyfriend this morning. He got offered a job at a company based in Madison, Wisconsin. I'm going to vet school in either Columbia, MO (6 hours away) or in Louisiana. I am really not sure if I can handle our relationship with an expiration date hanging over us, and I'd told him so before. But he made his case for staying together at least for the 3 months until then, and I really do want to stay together. I asked if there was a 0 chance that we could do long-distance, and he said "not zero" so I'm holding on to that. I would absolutely be willing to do long-distance for him, but he's not really leaning that way at this point. Part of his argument was that we don't know where we'll be in three months, though...we had a similar situation with an almost-break-up last year for reasons I don't need to get into, and earlier we might have split because of it. I totally understand that it won't work if we're not both into it, but I really do want to try. I also may or may not have teared up at some really sweet romantic posts on tumblr because right now I can't think of him as my happy ending, and it's hard. Especially because, y'know, we had that talk just today.

So, um. Anyone else want to spill their guts? Or any thoughts?

 

[Emiloo4]

I was going to bump this anyway, but looking at the rant thread there's a fair number of us worrying about relationships when starting vet school. Hopefully we can get some help and support here.

Here's my story:
I very nearly broke up with my boyfriend this morning. He got offered a job at a company based in Madison, Wisconsin. I'm going to vet school in either Columbia, MO (6 hours away) or in Louisiana. I am really not sure if I can handle our relationship with an expiration date hanging over us, and I'd told him so before. But he made his case for staying together at least for the 3 months until then, and I really do want to stay together. I asked if there was a 0 chance that we could do long-distance, and he said "not zero" so I'm holding on to that. I would absolutely be willing to do long-distance for him, but he's not really leaning that way at this point. Part of his argument was that we don't know where we'll be in three months, though...we had a similar situation with an almost-break-up last year for reasons I don't need to get into, and earlier we might have split because of it. I totally understand that it won't work if we're not both into it, but I really do want to try. I also may or may not have teared up at some really sweet romantic posts on tumblr because right now I can't think of him as my happy ending, and it's hard. Especially because, y'know, we had that talk just today.

So, um. Anyone else want to spill their guts? Or any thoughts?

So by the happy ending thing, do you mean you don't see yourself having a lasting relationship/ marriage or whatever you're into with him?
If that's the case, it may be easier to cut ties before you leave. But if you really want to give LDR a try, which it sounds like you do, then just go for it. What's the worst that could happen? You end up breaking up anyway? But at least you gave it a shot. I will say that even with two people who are willing to do LDR it's really really hard. Not sure it would work if both of you weren't as committed to it. That being said, I don't think there's anything to lose giving it a shot. I know I personally would rather say I tried and failed than always wonder if it would have worked. The main thing I worry about with that is if you were to break up in vet school. Vet school is tough, and a breakup could really set you off track. But you know yourself best.

 

[equineconstant]

So by the happy ending thing, do you mean you don't see yourself having a lasting relationship/ marriage or whatever you're into with him?
If that's the case, it may be easier to cut ties before you leave. But if you really want to give LDR a try, which it sounds like you do, then just go for it. What's the worst that could happen? You end up breaking up anyway? But at least you gave it a shot. I will say that even with two people who are willing to do LDR it's really really hard. Not sure it would work if both of you weren't as committed to it. That being said, I don't think there's anything to lose giving it a shot. I know I personally would rather say I tried and failed than always wonder if it would have worked. The main thing I worry about with that is if you were to break up in vet school. Vet school is tough, and a breakup could really set you off track. But you know yourself best.

What I meant is that I could definitely see myself marrying him later on, and I'd really like that, but he is definitely not there right now especially with this stuff. I've always been more of a planner, though, and he doesn't look so far ahead.

Thanks for your advice.

 

[Packen]

I think Emiloo had some good advice, especially about giving it a shot. If you think this is your "happy ending" guy, then at least see where you're at in 3 months. If at that point he puts his foot down on LD, well it will really suck, but better to see what could happen than look back and wonder "what if?"

I am doing LD with my hubby right now, and it is not easy, but it is possible. And we only get to see each other about 3 times a year. It sucks. I wont lie. Certain relationships are worth the anguish though. And only you and he will know if this is the relationship to put yourself through that pain - but if it is, it will definitely be worth it in the end.

Sorry that you have to go through this

 

[wildcatj]

I was going to bump this anyway, but looking at the rant thread there's a fair number of us worrying about relationships when starting vet school. Hopefully we can get some help and support here.

Here's my story:
I very nearly broke up with my boyfriend this morning. He got offered a job at a company based in Madison, Wisconsin. I'm going to vet school in either Columbia, MO (6 hours away) or in Louisiana. I am really not sure if I can handle our relationship with an expiration date hanging over us, and I'd told him so before. But he made his case for staying together at least for the 3 months until then, and I really do want to stay together. I asked if there was a 0 chance that we could do long-distance, and he said "not zero" so I'm holding on to that. I would absolutely be willing to do long-distance for him, but he's not really leaning that way at this point. Part of his argument was that we don't know where we'll be in three months, though...we had a similar situation with an almost-break-up last year for reasons I don't need to get into, and earlier we might have split because of it. I totally understand that it won't work if we're not both into it, but I really do want to try. I also may or may not have teared up at some really sweet romantic posts on tumblr because right now I can't think of him as my happy ending, and it's hard. Especially because, y'know, we had that talk just today.

So, um. Anyone else want to spill their guts? Or any thoughts?

What you've said sounds similar to what I went through last spring with my ex. (Obviously I'm getting a very limited view but...) He didn't have an interest in coming to vet school with me and didn't sound to gung ho about doing long distance. He eventually broke up with me, but I was happy he did it sooner rather than later. It would be tough breaking up with a long term SO and making a big change like vet school at the same time. Long distance is one of those things that is really hard even if both parties are really committed. So if he's already looking at it as most likely not going to work, it's probably not going to. My ex and I were together for 3 years and I thought I could have married him. Looking back though, I realize it was positive move. And Emiloo's right, if you think you guys are going to end up breaking up, you should do it sooner rather than later. It'll be a lot easier in the long run.

 

[Emiloo4]

I think Emiloo had some good advice, especially about giving it a shot. If you think this is your "happy ending" guy, then at least see where you're at in 3 months. If at that point he puts his foot down on LD, well it will really suck, but better to see what could happen than look back and wonder "what if?"

I am doing LD with my hubby right now, and it is not easy, but it is possible. And we only get to see each other about 3 times a year. It sucks. I wont lie. Certain relationships are worth the anguish though. And only you and he will know if this is the relationship to put yourself through that pain - but if it is, it will definitely be worth it in the end.

Sorry that you have to go through this

Exactly. My fiancé and I don't see each other much, but we both know we don't want to be with anyone else and we don't even question if it will work, we just make it happen. It's so so difficult not having them there when you really really need them, but you find ways to communicate differently and it's fun to send each other surprises in the mail and things like that. I will say that I'm glad I didn't have him move with me (even though I know that's not an option for you EC) but I say that because there is very little time in vet school to see that person as much as you'd like. You really find your independence and you make it work. I think vet school has really helped me grow as a person, and our relationship surprisingly got better. I actually left last June with plans to break up with my SO at some point. But the distance made us both (especially him lol) realize how important we were to each other. That's another reason I say give it a try. You just never know.

 

[BulldogMS]

Keep in mind, vet school is the last place on earth to find a date if you're female. With every vet school class having about 1 guy to 7 girls, some of these guys are in LDR's, some married, some are gay, the pickins are really slim. Unless the undergrads at the bars are your fancy, or you're willing to waste the time (you won't have the time) hanging out at the grad schools in hopes of meeting someone, there's a good chance you've got the next 4 years to be locally guyless. Also, Mizzou and LA IS vet students will likely want to stay in the area, not move to the area you're from and most comfortable. I see very little, if anything, you have to lose in trying to maintain a LDR.

 

[Minnerbelle]

Keep in mind, vet school is the last place on earth to find a date if you're female. With every vet school class having about 1 guy to 7 girls, some of these guys are in LDR's, some married, some are gay, the pickins are really slim. Unless the undergrads at the bars are your fancy, or you're willing to waste the time (you won't have the time) hanging out at the grad schools in hopes of meeting someone, there's a good chance you've got the next 4 years to be locally guyless.

Why is a girl limited to the dudes in her class, undergrads at bars, or random encounters at the grad school...?

Not that anyone has to feel like they need to be in a relationship, but if one wanted to start one, I don't see why it can't happen during vet school. I know several people who've started dating during vet school to total strangers outside of the narrow range of people you listed, and are perfectly happy.

 

[SocialStigma]

Why is a girl limited to the dudes in her class, undergrads at bars, or random encounters at the grad school...?

Not that anyone has to feel like they need to be in a relationship, but if one wanted to start one, I don't see why it can't happen during vet school. I know several people who've started dating during vet school to total strangers outside of the narrow range of people you listed, and are perfectly happy.

^ Agreed. From personal experience, I thought I was destined to be boyfriend-less throughout all of vet school (80% females at OVC, not interested in dating a fellow classmate or freshman/soph in undergrad, and my university town overall is mostly females as well). Then I met my current boyfriend at work last summer (we were both research assistants in the same lab). So it's not all hopeless, and I wouldn't stay in a LDR that wasn't working just because of that.

 

[Frozenshades]

Keep in mind, vet school is the last place on earth to find a date if you're female. With every vet school class having about 1 guy to 7 girls, some of these guys are in LDR's, some married, some are gay, the pickins are really slim. Unless the undergrads at the bars are your fancy, or you're willing to waste the time (you won't have the time) hanging out at the grad schools in hopes of meeting someone, there's a good chance you've got the next 4 years to be locally guyless. Also, Mizzou and LA IS vet students will likely want to stay in the area, not move to the area you're from and most comfortable. I see very little, if anything, you have to lose in trying to maintain a LDR.

I agree with Minnerbelle, there are plenty of other places to meet people. Could depend I suppose, but I've heard from a few people that classmates in vet school dating is more on the uncommon side. Whether that's happenstance or intentional to avoid drama (or just plain incorrect), I'm not sure.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I would want to date another vet student anyway. Yeah, they'd understand how busy vet school keeps you and you have a study buddy most of the time, but eh, seems like that could go south quickly if you broke up and then you are both stuck in class together the rest of vet school, and good chance of having mutual friends as well. Maybe if she was in a different year. Whatever happens will happen, but if I'm interested in finding a girlfriend wherever I choose to go in the fall, I'm not sure I would want to get involved with a classmate.

I won't complain to being surrounded by women, but that's not why I'm going to vet school

 

[orca2011]

I agree with Minnerbelle, there are plenty of other places to meet people. Could depend I suppose, but I've heard from a few people that classmates in vet school dating is more on the uncommon side. Whether that's happenstance or intentional to avoid drama (or just plain incorrect), I'm not sure.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I would want to date another vet student anyway. Yeah, they'd understand how busy vet school keeps you and you have a study buddy most of the time, but eh, seems like that could go south quickly if you broke up and then you are both stuck in class together the rest of vet school, and good chance of having mutual friends as well. Maybe if she was in a different year. Whatever happens will happen, but if I'm interested in finding a girlfriend wherever I choose to go in the fall, I'm not sure I would want to get involved with a classmate.

I won't complain to being surrounded by women, but that's not why I'm going to vet school

I totally had no intention of dating a classmate but that's what I'm doing. Things kind of just happen when you don't plan them too. And surprisngly, my class has a lot of other intraclass hookups and I'd even say other possible relationships forming. I know of one other definite one but the others are a bit more questionable.

 

[Kpowell14]

I'm going to agree with Em and Packen.

I say go for it and see how it works. You don't want to have the "what if" moment down the road. I'm also going to Repeat what Em and Pack said, LDR is difficult for the most dedicated couple. I'm 2 years into a LDR with my Fiancé, and there are days that I just break down and cry and wonder when life is going to bring us back together. If I had Any doubts in our relationship I Would NOT put myself or him through this because it is not easy.

I hope everything works out for you EC!

 

[BlackDog17]

I was going to bump this anyway, but looking at the rant thread there's a fair number of us worrying about relationships when starting vet school. Hopefully we can get some help and support here.

Here's my story:
I very nearly broke up with my boyfriend this morning. He got offered a job at a company based in Madison, Wisconsin. I'm going to vet school in either Columbia, MO (6 hours away) or in Louisiana. I am really not sure if I can handle our relationship with an expiration date hanging over us, and I'd told him so before. But he made his case for staying together at least for the 3 months until then, and I really do want to stay together. I asked if there was a 0 chance that we could do long-distance, and he said "not zero" so I'm holding on to that. I would absolutely be willing to do long-distance for him, but he's not really leaning that way at this point. Part of his argument was that we don't know where we'll be in three months, though...we had a similar situation with an almost-break-up last year for reasons I don't need to get into, and earlier we might have split because of it. I totally understand that it won't work if we're not both into it, but I really do want to try. I also may or may not have teared up at some really sweet romantic posts on tumblr because right now I can't think of him as my happy ending, and it's hard. Especially because, y'know, we had that talk just today.

So, um. Anyone else want to spill their guts? Or any thoughts?

Can't really offer any advice, but I can definitely sympathize. I haven't been accepted yet, but have two interviews both very far away from home and it definitely feels like we have that "expiration date" hanging over us. Sometimes I feel like he's already got one foot out the door way he talks about me "most likely leaving in a few months." When the possibility of me moving back home (2 hours away) came up, he said that he didn't like long distance relationships and has had very bad luck with them in the past, but he is "completely willing to try." However, I get the vibe that this willingness does not extend to 4 years of vet school thousands of miles away. We've put off seriously talking about it because I wanted to wait until I knew for sure if and when I was going, but I do get the feeling that he's gotten a lot more uneasy about it lately, and I'll admit I've been thinking about it more and more too.

I think it definitely comes down to what Emiloo said: either you can have a clean break before vet school and be left wondering what would have happened, or you can give the long distance thing a shot and run the risk of having a painful breakup during vet school. This is the dilemma I've been mulling over for weeks.

I will say that I've come to the conclusion that, for a vet school ldr to have any hope of working without being completely miserable, both parties have to be 100% committed to each other and to making the relationship work. So if your boyfriend is waffling, chances are he's not going to be willing to put in the huge amount of effort necessary to make your ldr happen. You're both going to have to be brutally honest with each other about whether you're prepared for that kind of commitment or not.

It is somewhat comforting to know I'm not that I'm not the only one in this kind of situation. This definitely wasn't something I ever considered in all those years I was dreaming about vet school.

 

[PetPony]

I would say if it's worth it to you, try hard to make it work. But if there is a point where you think you really won't be able to go through with it anymore, don't drag it out too much. That doesn't help very much either with your sanity.

 

[Emiloo4]

Can't really offer any advice, but I can definitely sympathize. I haven't been accepted yet, but have two interviews both very far away from home and it definitely feels like we have that "expiration date" hanging over us. Sometimes I feel like he's already got one foot out the door way he talks about me "most likely leaving in a few months." When the possibility of me moving back home (2 hours away) came up, he said that he didn't like long distance relationships and has had very bad luck with them in the past, but he is "completely willing to try." However, I get the vibe that this willingness does not extend to 4 years of vet school thousands of miles away. We've put off seriously talking about it because I wanted to wait until I knew for sure if and when I was going, but I do get the feeling that he's gotten a lot more uneasy about it lately, and I'll admit I've been thinking about it more and more too.

I think it definitely comes down to what Emiloo said: either you can have a clean break before vet school and be left wondering what would have happened, or you can give the long distance thing a shot and run the risk of having a painful breakup during vet school. This is the dilemma I've been mulling over for weeks.

I will say that I've come to the conclusion that, for a vet school ldr to have any hope of working without being completely miserable, both parties have to be 100% committed to each other and to making the relationship work. So if your boyfriend is waffling, chances are he's not going to be willing to put in the huge amount of effort necessary to make your ldr happen. You're both going to have to be brutally honest with each other about whether you're prepared for that kind of commitment or not.

It is somewhat comforting to know I'm not that I'm not the only one in this kind of situation. This definitely wasn't something I ever considered in all those years I was dreaming about vet school.

I think it's ok to waffle while trying to make the decision. It's a huge decision and I personally think it shows that you're seriously considering the options. But once the decision is made, no more waffling. Only make it or break it. So don't count him out for being uneasy about it, it's natural and shows he actually cares enough about you to consider it. My fiancé and I were both uneasy about it, but once we made the decision, that was it. Good days and bad days we're still in this thing from 1300 miles away .
Now, if only we could find any possible date to get married in the next 3 years
Damnit, now I want waffles.

 

[BlackDog17]

I think it's ok to waffle while trying to make the decision. It's a huge decision and I personally think it shows that you're seriously considering the options. But once the decision is made, no more waffling. Only make it or break it. So don't count him out for being uneasy about it, it's natural and shows he actually cares enough about you to consider it. My fiancé and I were both uneasy about it, but once we made the decision, that was it. Good days and bad days we're still in this thing from 1300 miles away .
Now, if only we could find any possible date to get married in the next 3 years
Damnit, now I want waffles.

I agree, I'm certainly not going to kick him to the curb immediately just because he feels uneasy about it. Once I find out if, when, and where I'm going to vet school, my plan is for us to sit down and just lay everything out: the distance, the number of times a year I'm likely to be home, the stress of vet school, etc, etc. Then we can both take a few days to really think about all of it on our own before we come to a decision. If either one of us feels like we can't make the commitment, there will (hopefully) be no hard feelings. It's a lot to ask of anyone.

 

[that redhead]

I think he needs to decide pretty soon if he's willing to do LD or not. There is no half-assed LD ("not zero" seems to me like he's trying not to say "no, I don't want to do LD") and if you both aren't 100% committed to it, it won't work. Not to say that he must decide this very instant if he's willing to or not, but waiting until the week before you go to vet school to hash out your feelings is not the right way to deal with it. It's easy to put it off so you don't have to think about it, I know, but nothing good will come of it. Give him time to think about it but tell him that he needs to decide within a certain time frame. If you need to break up, you need to break up but at least it won't be in the middle of your first semester of vet school, away from your friends/family/support system.

(Edit: I realize that Emiloo basically expressed my thoughts perfectly. Oops.)

 

[MommaFox]

I have given SO a time frame (Fall 2014) he seemed to accept it. I recently brought up me transferring to a large university here in FL and us having to move. I honestly want to be able to say that I have a BS degree from a known institution, instead of a joe schmoe one. That sounds silly when I write it here, but to me it just feels right. He told me he wanted to do at least another year or more here in community college. I understand that I suppose. It is really tough when I started school right out of high school and he is just now going back. I already have a degree and I feel like HE feels that he is inadequate. Make sense? We have been together for 4 years now and things are going very well, and we are both happy. I just cant seem to shake the anxiety for when the time for us to move comes.

He is going for engineering so I think our graduation times will be about the same due to the head start I had. The feeling of being ready to take off and having to slow your roll because SO isnt ready is just...idk. Idk how to describe it. I have alll this pent up anxiety of just wanting to go, go somewhere, do something... I just really hope we both get accepted to this major university and everything goes smoothly.

Its horrible to say, even though I am so happy and he is such a great man, my decisions about school would be alot less stressful if i did not have another person's future to consider.

Im sure ya'll know that feel.

 

[Emiloo4]

I have given SO a time frame (Fall 2014) he seemed to accept it. I recently brought up me transferring to a large university here in FL and us having to move. I honestly want to be able to say that I have a BS degree from a known institution, instead of a joe schmoe one. That sounds silly when I write it here, but to me it just feels right. He told me he wanted to do at least another year or more here in community college. I understand that I suppose. It is really tough when I started school right out of high school and he is just now going back. I already have a degree and I feel like HE feels that he is inadequate. Make sense? We have been together for 4 years now and things are going very well, and we are both happy. I just cant seem to shake the anxiety for when the time for us to move comes.

He is going for engineering so I think our graduation times will be about the same due to the head start I had. The feeling of being ready to take off and having to slow your roll because SO isnt ready is just...idk. Idk how to describe it. I have alll this pent up anxiety of just wanting to go, go somewhere, do something... I just really hope we both get accepted to this major university and everything goes smoothly.

Its horrible to say, even though I am so happy and he is such a great man, my decisions about school would be alot less stressful if i did not have another person's future to consider.

Im sure ya'll know that feel.

It's not horrible to say or even think about or feel. It's the reality of the situation. And I totally understand the him feeling inadequate thing. Mine just told me last week after 5 years of being together that he doesn't want to go to school anymore. He only did it because HE thought it would make ME happy and admitted he feels inadequate to my soon to be 2 degrees. Silly goose egg he is.

 

[Emiloo4]

How far apart would the distance be?

 

[MommaFox]

How far apart would the distance be?

For me? We live in TB area, school is in gville. We would both be moving. It isnt a crazy distance, but for someone who has lived in the same area of the same county for her whole life, its a big change.

 

[Emiloo4]

For me? We live in TB area, school is in gville. We would both be moving. It isnt a crazy distance, but for someone who has lived in the same area of the same county for her whole life, its a big change.

That's totally doable even if he doesn't move. In fact if he still has school to finish, let him stay. You won't have time for him and there may be some resentment for moving with you and never getting to see you. Unless you're still talking about undergrad, then that's different. And my I just say, please don't kill yourself to go to UF for undergrad. I was just talking with the three people in charge of vet med admissions (totally casual conversation) about how silly people are for assuming they have to attend a certain school to have a better chance. And that's coming from the mouths of the people deciding admission statuses.

 

[MommaFox]

That's totally doable even if he doesn't move. In fact if he still has school to finish, let him stay. You won't have time for him and there may be some resentment for moving with you and never getting to see you. Unless you're still talking about undergrad, then that's different. And my I just say, please don't kill yourself to go to UF for undergrad. I was just talking with the three people in charge of vet med admissions (totally casual conversation) about how silly people are for assuming they have to attend a certain school to have a better chance. And that's coming from the mouths of the people deciding admission statuses.

The school I am in currently has a 4 year degree program but they only offer biology, and not animal sciences. He wants to attend major university we for their engineering program as well so I guess we will have to see how it pans out as far as when he and I are ready.

 

[Emiloo4]

The school I am in currently has a 4 year degree program but they only offer biology, and not animal sciences. He wants to attend major university we for their engineering program as well so I guess we will have to see how it pans out as far as when he and I are ready.

My degree was in biology. Obviously it's your decision, just letting you know. I have many classmates with music degrees lol. It doesn't matter for the sake of vet school admissions, but if it interests you more as a degree I totally get that.

 

[dyachei]

For me? We live in TB area, school is in gville. We would both be moving. It isnt a crazy distance, but for someone who has lived in the same area of the same county for her whole life, its a big change.

someone that lives near where I do? Craziness.

 

[deleted497320]

Just chiming in to say that I feel your plight, equineconstant. My SO will definitely be in NYC next year and I applied to 8 different schools throughout the country. I was a bundle of nerves for months because I didn't know how far apart we'd end up being, and I definitely prematurely freaked out about the worst case scenario (me in Texas). My personal advice is to echo what everyone else has said and to wait until you 100% know where you're going next year. But once you do know 100%, then there's a lot to consider. I don't want to force my own ideas about LDR, serious relationships, etc. on you, but for me personally, I don't want to go into a LDR w/the mentality that "we'll try until things get too hard." I need myself and my SO to say, "we'll try until things get too hard, and then we'll try harder, and we'll keep trying until we succeed." Obviously, I have no idea what will happen in the future, but for my own peace of mind I need to hear that level of commitment going into it in order think we have any shot of maintaining a LDR. I might also be a bit older than you, so I'm contemplating marriage and babies in the next 5-6 years, and I would never consider a LDR w/someone who wasn't also already thinking about having those things. So, personally, if my SO had been uncertain about LDR and wasn't thinking about marriage, or marriage w/me specifically, I would definitely had ended things w/him as soon as my plans for next year finalized. Luckily, I got into Cornell and we'll be 4-5 hours apart, and we're on the same page about wanting to get married and have a family w/each other, so I'm trying to be optimistic about next year. But if I didn't have those 'indicators of commitment,' I wouldn't even be trying. Again, this is my personal opinion, based on what I need in a relationship and what I want for the immediate future. I think you need to figure out what you need to feel comfortable and secure going into vet school, and see if you can get that from your SO.

 

[MommaFox]

My degree was in biology. Obviously it's your decision, just letting you know. I have many classmates with music degrees lol. It doesn't matter for the sake of vet school admissions, but if it interests you more as a degree I totally get that.

I went through the classes I would be taking here at home for BS in biology vs the classes id be taking for BS in animal sciences there and I must admit it is so much more appealing to me to get an animal science degree. I feel like the big university thing is just a dream I have always had (lame, but yeah) and I think it has alot to do with me wanting to get away from where we are now. I got accepted to the university right out of high school but did not go due to $, all though I am glad in the long run that I didnt, its always been sort of a "well, I wish I could have" thing. I dont think it will help me get into FL's vet school, but it will help me feel better about growing up poor....hahah.

Anyways. SO and I will just have to cross the bridge when we come to it. It's about a 2 hour drive from us if we do have to do LD, which is absolutely nothing compared to what I know some others on here are doing. I appreciate your input, really, thank you.

 

[Emiloo4]

I went through the classes I would be taking here at home for BS in biology vs the classes id be taking for BS in animal sciences there and I must admit it is so much more appealing to me to get an animal science degree. I feel like the big university thing is just a dream I have always had (lame, but yeah) and I think it has alot to do with me wanting to get away from where we are now. I got accepted to the university right out of high school but did not go due to $, all though I am glad in the long run that I didnt, its always been sort of a "well, I wish I could have" thing. I dont think it will help me get into FL's vet school, but it will help me feel better about growing up poor....hahah.

Anyways. SO and I will just have to cross the bridge when we come to it. It's about a 2 hour drive from us if we do have to do LD, which is absolutely nothing compared to what I know some others on here are doing. I appreciate your input, really, thank you.

I totally get that. If its a goal you have, go for it! And yes, animal science is much more exciting than biology
Best of luck with everything
I get to see my fiancé about 4-5 times a year , but I have classmates who live 2 hours from their SOs. It's nice to have them when you really need them. My friend had a breakdown over grades on Thursday and her BF came right up to make her feel better. They even have date nights where they meet halfway once a week for dinner and a movie or whatnot. It's definitely doable!

 

[equineconstant]

I had a really serious talk with my boyfriend tonight, the 'I really need to know if this is something that can happen' thing. He said he's willing to work for it! I explicitly stated that I believe dating means we might get married someday (this is not the first time I've told him that), and he was on the same page. Things are still too far away and uncertain for a definite plan, but we've definitely got a chance...and at this point in a relationship, that's all anyone has, so I'm more than happy with it.

 

[Kpowell14]

I had a really serious talk with my boyfriend tonight, the 'I really need to know if this is something that can happen' thing. He said he's willing to work for it! I explicitly stated that I believe dating means we might get married someday (this is not the first time I've told him that), and he was on the same page. Things are still too far away and uncertain for a definite plan, but we've definitely got a chance...and at this point in a relationship, that's all anyone has, so I'm more than happy with it.

Yaaaay, EC!!!! So happy for you!!

 

[Emiloo4]

I had a really serious talk with my boyfriend tonight, the 'I really need to know if this is something that can happen' thing. He said he's willing to work for it! I explicitly stated that I believe dating means we might get married someday (this is not the first time I've told him that), and he was on the same page. Things are still too far away and uncertain for a definite plan, but we've definitely got a chance...and at this point in a relationship, that's all anyone has, so I'm more than happy with it.

 

[MommaFox]

I had a really serious talk with my boyfriend tonight, the 'I really need to know if this is something that can happen' thing. He said he's willing to work for it! I explicitly stated that I believe dating means we might get married someday (this is not the first time I've told him that), and he was on the same page. Things are still too far away and uncertain for a definite plan, but we've definitely got a chance...and at this point in a relationship, that's all anyone has, so I'm more than happy with it.

This is awesome.

 

[EngrSC]

On a happier train of thought ...

A year ago I lost my engagement/wedding ring and I for sure thought it would turn up, but no such luck :cry:. 2 years ago my husband came home from Bahrain with a 2.7 carat black diamond that has been sitting in our safe since then because I had no idea what to do with it. Well ... this afternoon we have an appointment with a jeweler to have it set in a ring that we're going to design together. I want to incorporate the style of my original ring but put a new twist on this one. I'm super excited

 

[Emiloo4]

On a happier train of thought ...

A year ago I lost my engagement/wedding ring and I for sure thought it would turn up, but no such luck :cry:. 2 years ago my husband came home from Bahrain with a 2.7 carat black diamond that has been sitting in our safe since then because I had no idea what to do with it. Well ... this afternoon we have an appointment with a jeweler to have it set in a ring that we're going to design together. I want to incorporate the style of my original ring but put a new twist on this one. I'm super excited

Ooo yay, that's fun! Enjoy!

 

[EngrSC]

My husband is just being a turd ... I'm juggling a gazillion billion things and doing the best I can with trying to spend quality time with him and help out with chores around the house. But today I feel like he just doesn't understand and it sucks, if there's anything I need most it's his support.

So this morning I was racing around trying to get ready for work and pull everything together for class tonight and he unloaded the dishwasher, washed half of the dishes, and fed the dogs. Then he got mad at me for not helping ... I reminded him that the night before I had walked the dogs, fed the dogs, washed all the dishes, loaded and started the dishwasher, and made dinner for both of us but he seemed to have forgotten all of that. Yeah, ok, on my school nights he picks up the slack and does it all but I really make an effort to do what I can on my nights home. And every single Sunday (my 1 day off) I pick up the dog poop, clean the bathrooms, and vacuum the entire house (none of which he's ever done, ever). And I wash our towels and our bedding which he does occasionally. He said "see ya tonight" as he left (no kiss, no love you, nothing) and I won't be home til 10ish tonight.

Just uuugggghhhhhhhh :cry: It's like if I don't give him enough of the dirty he has a complete meltdown that translates into fighting with me over really stupid shiz

End vent. Thanks.