Relationship Center

This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.
Sometimes my boyfriend and I think we're the defective ones when all of our couple-friends are constantly ripping each other to shreds and we've never had a fight fight before.
Anytime either one of us talks to a friend about their SO, some kinda drama's always going down.
We tease each other all the time, but I've never felt any semblance of the venom behind it like in the mean-nasty "teasing" our friends do.
One of my best friends yesterday actually told me I'm fooling myself if I think I'm in a "real relationship" if we never fight. Don't get me wrong, we definitely disagree and hash things out. I would just never call him stupid or treat him disrespectfully, because he's my favorite.

Ive had people say the same thing to me! Its like they believe we cannot function without fighting. There have been plenty of tense days but they always end with a civil sit down "this is why I'm upset....why are you upset?...etc". Maybe its because we are both quiet.

I have been in a relationship with my husband for 10 years now and I can't even remember the last time we yelled at each other. I know it has happened before - like 2-3 times total - but mostly we just get pissy and then don't talk for a bit. Usually it's only a few hours. And I can't even think of the last time that happened either. Maybe within the last six months? Maybe?

Now, this isn't to say that people that argue have crap relationships. There are all sorts of dynamics out there that relationships can have. If whatever you do works for you, then great. However, I don't understand the 'constant bickering and insults' method of maintaining a relationship. It seems like it would have to be detrimental.

Most of the people we know have been together for quite some time, too. I just could never ever handle the constant insulting and bickering. I couldnt ever view an SO the same after some of the things I've heard them say. idk. You're right. Too each their own if it works, I suppose.

Members don't see this ad.
 
I'm a little late to the party but I thought I would throw in my 2 cents :)

There is no right/wrong way to get married nor any set periods of time for being engaged or having children after marriage. My husband is military and when we got engaged we had a really hard time wrapping our minds around the cost of a wedding. So we canceled the wedding we were planning and went down to the county courthouse and got legally married. Now, a year and a half later we are finally planning a wedding. Originally we were just going to have a party at my parent's house but with how much family we have it just wasn't feasible. Now we are in wedding planning mode - wedding is June 30 this year - which is actually not the best timing for me. Between my 2 jobs I work 60-70 hours/week, I'm taking a 5 unit chemistry class at night, and I'm on the board of a non-profit. Being busy has forced me to look at having a simpler wedding (which is also less expensive!) and I'm so lucky to have my mom and my best friend doing the bulk of the work. I pretty much just told them what I want and my mom has gone ahead and done research and booked stuff. My mother-in-law happens to be super crafty and has a somewhat flexible schedule so I've been letting her do a lot of the DIY stuff (she's helping with invites and making the table clothes, wedding attendant gifts (brain farting on the correct term), and collecting everything needed for decorations).

If you want some big, extravagant, wedding and every nitty gritty detail must be planned by you, then you may have trouble. But seriously - take advantage of the people you trust who want to help!! My best friend happens to be super into this kind of thing and my mom and MIL seem to be totally stoked that we're having a wedding at all so they seem very happy to be doing the work :laugh:

Also - if you can find a venue that has multiple things included that will take some stress off your shoulders. Our venue includes 9 cottages for us and guests the night of the wedding, tables, chairs, dance floor, and patio lighting. They also have their own catering business so all we had to do was having a tasting and pick from their menu - not waste time scheduling several different tastings with different catering companies.
 
I have been in a relationship with my husband for 10 years now and I can't even remember the last time we yelled at each other. I know it has happened before - like 2-3 times total - but mostly we just get pissy and then don't talk for a bit. Usually it's only a few hours. And I can't even think of the last time that happened either. Maybe within the last six months? Maybe?

Now, this isn't to say that people that argue have crap relationships. There are all sorts of dynamics out there that relationships can have. If whatever you do works for you, then great. However, I don't understand the 'constant bickering and insults' method of maintaining a relationship. It seems like it would have to be detrimental.

It is detrimental. And childish. Getting angry/annoyed, having fights, both normal; but how you handle it is what matters. No matter what you apologize for or regret later, the words have been said, and that scar always exists. It's a real low blow to use your high level of knowledge and trust with a partner to say things you know will hit their soft spots and upset them; coming from a significant other it just hurts that much more. I'll just walk away if someone can't calmly talk to me and express their concerns like an adult. I'm over that bs.
 
Members don't see this ad :)
I think after a while it's just sort of assumed. Once I realized bf wasn't going to be the one to say it first, I kind of got comfortable just maintaining the status quo. And of course the longer we went without saying it, the bigger a deal it became. But now that it's finally out in the open, I feel silly for waiting so long to say it!

Oh for sure, I guess its just such a day to day part of mine and SO's life that it would be weird not to say it if you meant it, IYKWIM? Like, everytime one of us goes somewhere we ALWAYS give each other a kiss and tell each other we love them.

Might sound OTT but the last time we didnt do it SO crashed his dirt bike into a tree... lifes too short ya know?

And I totally agree with what everyone else is saying about people ragging on their partners. SO and I went to a family engagement engagement last weekend - we were literally the only couple there NOT whining about each other to everyone who would listen - including the newly engaged couple!!! We certainly came away with a WTF feeling.
 
Might sound OTT but the last time we didnt do it SO crashed his dirt bike into a tree... lifes too short ya know?

Weird how that happens, right? The only times I ever fell off the horse at my old barn was whenever my mom didn't tell me to be careful when she dropped me off. Was weird when we realized that. haha
 
And I totally agree with what everyone else is saying about people ragging on their partners. SO and I went to a family engagement engagement last weekend - we were literally the only couple there NOT whining about each other to everyone who would listen - including the newly engaged couple!!! We certainly came away with a WTF feeling.

Yeah, my SO and I don't really fight either - and CERTAINLY not in public. We both feel that it's uncomfortable for everyone. Not that we don't disagree or upset each other sometimes, but we try really hard to be adults about it. We actually had a friend in college tell us we have a "model relationship - y'know, like how the school has model dorm rooms to show prospective students." :laugh: We're that good at keeping it all private, I guess.
 
That moment when you're dating someone from another state and you think "if I married him, maybe I would get in state tuition!" lol :oops: :rolleyes:
 
Guess I should've married a Kansas girl :laugh:

Oh well.

There I go again!

...I knew that you are a guy but I automatically/subconsciously assume everyone on here is female. Except SOV, because he emits this masculine aura that is somehow potent enough to permeate the internetz.
 
I could use some advice from those of you experienced in long distance relationships.

How do you guys stay "close" with your SO's when you're apart? It's only been three days since we last saw each other, and I already feel like the distance is making us lose that sense of closeness we had when we were together. Not in an irreparable way or anything like that, just that things are getting boring really quickly and it doesn't even feel like we're really in a relationship. We text each other during the day, but it definitely feels like we're both grasping at straws trying to find things to say. We Skype at night, but our conversation usually dwindles down to just repeating how much we miss each other. It's getting old really fast, and I know there's no way we can continue this indefinitely.

Any thoughts or recommendations?

My advice (from dealing with my partner being a mining fly in fly out worker) would be to stop texting all the time and talking every day. Maybe call for a quick "i love you i miss you goodnight" at the end of the day, but only have long substantial conversations twice a week or so (or even once a week!). I find that if you do this, it lets you find your groove as far as being on your own goes, you get busy with your own stuff, and it doesnt mean you think about them or love them less. And then when you do talk, you've been busy and interesting! Because I think a lot of the time you get stuck regurgitating your day to day monotony to each other and that just isnt interesting lol. We also link interesting youtube videos to each other when we can for watching and discussion later, which often helps us get into our "big long interesting" talking mood.

I'm kinda lucky that when my partner started this, it was a forced radio silence - being caught on his phone at work (he does 12hr days) is an instant dismissal and phone and internet reception at most mine sites is pretty ****e, so it certainly helped us cut down and focus on quality, not quantity. I think the longest we've gone without talking is like, 2 weeks, because of these issues.

FYI, We've been together for 2 1/2 years, been living together for 1 1/2, and were over the honeymoon stage when he started working away (though very much in love :love: ) and are both extremely laid back, non jealous types, your mileage may vary.
 
I could use some advice from those of you experienced in long distance relationships.

How do you guys stay "close" with your SO's when you're apart? It's only been three days since we last saw each other, and I already feel like the distance is making us lose that sense of closeness we had when we were together. Not in an irreparable way or anything like that, just that things are getting boring really quickly and it doesn't even feel like we're really in a relationship. We text each other during the day, but it definitely feels like we're both grasping at straws trying to find things to say. We Skype at night, but our conversation usually dwindles down to just repeating how much we miss each other. It's getting old really fast, and I know there's no way we can continue this indefinitely.

Any thoughts or recommendations?

No idea if this will appeal to you or not, but when I was in a long distance relationship I played an online game with my SO. It was really fun and made it feel like we were "hanging out" together - we'd talk over the phone or Skype (it was pre-Skype, that long ago, but something similar) and it just became a fun activity that we could do together. Because we were talking and playing together in a virtual place, it was easier to forget that he wasn't just over in the next room.
 
I could use some advice from those of you experienced in long distance relationships.

How do you guys stay "close" with your SO's when you're apart? It's only been three days since we last saw each other, and I already feel like the distance is making us lose that sense of closeness we had when we were together. Not in an irreparable way or anything like that, just that things are getting boring really quickly and it doesn't even feel like we're really in a relationship. We text each other during the day, but it definitely feels like we're both grasping at straws trying to find things to say. We Skype at night, but our conversation usually dwindles down to just repeating how much we miss each other. It's getting old really fast, and I know there's no way we can continue this indefinitely.

Any thoughts or recommendations?

My SO and I video chat (usually via gmail) when we are apart, often nearly every night, but we don't make it one big conversation. We start the chat whenever we're both online, and then we do our own stuff like read, work, watch videos, play games, etc. (sometimes I knit or read a book), with the video chat in a small window to the side. So we talk if we have something to say, and if we don't, we're not awkward about not having anything to say, because we both have something to do. It's more like how we hang out after dinner when we're together.

Note though that the longest we've been apart since we started dating was a little more than three months, and it's usually less than a month. We've been together 5 1/2 years, living together for 3 3/4ish. And we both do a lot of work on the computer and read lots of the same webcomics and blogs so we have lots of things to comment on when we're online.
 
Members don't see this ad :)
I could use some advice from those of you experienced in long distance relationships.

How do you guys stay "close" with your SO's when you're apart? It's only been three days since we last saw each other, and I already feel like the distance is making us lose that sense of closeness we had when we were together. Not in an irreparable way or anything like that, just that things are getting boring really quickly and it doesn't even feel like we're really in a relationship. We text each other during the day, but it definitely feels like we're both grasping at straws trying to find things to say. We Skype at night, but our conversation usually dwindles down to just repeating how much we miss each other. It's getting old really fast, and I know there's no way we can continue this indefinitely.

Any thoughts or recommendations?

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years - much of the time has been spent apart. Usually we exchange a few emails everyday. The emails are usually not long, but we always make an effort to ask how the other is doing and to say good night. It's difficult to talk during the week because he's 5 hrs ahead of me and I am always in class when he's home. On the weekend, we Skype for a few hours and then we'll maybe watch a TV show together.

We initially used this site (http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/) to get ideas of what to do.
 
Hokay here's my first time asking boy advice so here goes:

I met Boy online in Novemberish and we hung out a few times but it was bad timing as I was kinda starting something with another boy. I told Boy and we agreed to be friends. He was super cool with it and he's just a really nice guy. Other Boy fizzled pretty badly, and I realized I probably should've stuck with Boy the whole time. So now I'd like to start something with Boy. He knows that I'm single now and I really think he's interested. We keep hanging out just the two of us, going to dinner, watching movies, etc. But we haven't had the "relationship" conversation yet. I've never initiated one before but I'm really thinking of doing it now. Any tips on how to do so?

Complicating matters is the fact that we're both leaving in the fall, me for vet school and him for grad school. A long-term relationship is pretty much out of the question but I don't see the problem with something short-term. Any tips on that?
 
It is detrimental. And childish. Getting angry/annoyed, having fights, both normal; but how you handle it is what matters. No matter what you apologize for or regret later, the words have been said, and that scar always exists. It's a real low blow to use your high level of knowledge and trust with a partner to say things you know will hit their soft spots and upset them; coming from a significant other it just hurts that much more. I'll just walk away if someone can't calmly talk to me and express their concerns like an adult. I'm over that bs.

Absolutely.

My fiance and I are both sensitive and have short tempers. We both also struggle with chronic GI problems (me gastroparesis, him IBS) which, as anyone with GI problems knows, can severely affect your mood. When your stomach hurts like hell, your tolerance for any disagreement plummets and you start taking everything personally.

We've had some real doozies when it comes to fights. Never physical of course, but we can definitely yell and pout, especially when either (or worse, both) of us have grumbly guts. However, the next day (or even sooner) we inevitably come to our senses and immediately (and genuinely) apologize and work out a proper solution.

In addition, even though we may overreact/yell/complain/whatever, we never, ever, EVER call each other names or insult each other. THAT is unacceptable to me. You should never call the person you love a foul word, disrespect them, or insult them (the scars and soft spots you mentioned), no matter how mad you are.

Anger and sensitivity are excusable - especially with us, because we understand how our health issues can drastically affect our respective moods. Being a nasty bitch who sticks the knife in and twists it is not excusable. I know he can be unreasonable when he is in pain, and he knows I can be as well when I am. And all is forgiven at the end of the day.
 
Last edited:
I could use some advice from those of you experienced in long distance relationships.

How do you guys stay "close" with your SO's when you're apart? It's only been three days since we last saw each other, and I already feel like the distance is making us lose that sense of closeness we had when we were together. Not in an irreparable way or anything like that, just that things are getting boring really quickly and it doesn't even feel like we're really in a relationship. We text each other during the day, but it definitely feels like we're both grasping at straws trying to find things to say. We Skype at night, but our conversation usually dwindles down to just repeating how much we miss each other. It's getting old really fast, and I know there's no way we can continue this indefinitely.

Any thoughts or recommendations?

My recommendations:
- Stop texting during the day. It seems counterintuitive, but I've always thought that if you text all day, you don't really have anything to talk about when you talk on the phone/skype.

- Don't force it. If you're on the phone and have nothing to say, just call it a night. My SO and I talk every single night before bed - sometimes for 10mins, sometimes for over an hour just depending on the way the conversation goes. Understand that someone being tired or not having much to share doesn't mean they don't want to talk to you.

- Consider something you can do together while apart and talk about later - watch a certain movie or TV show, play an online game, cook a certain recipe, etc. My SO and I don't do this but I know people who do and enjoy it.

It takes getting used to, especially if this is your first time so don't worry too much :) Once you each establish your new routines it will become easier.
 
So, I am really frustrated and upset with SO. A random guy I've never met before just came to the door and rang the doorbell, knocked, rang the bell again and then left. I looked out of my bedroom window and didn't recognize the vehicle in my driveway. I then secret agented/ninja'd my way to the front door to look out the peephole. Didn't recognize him at all......and I had a very uneasy feeling so I didn't answer and just stood there until he left.

Then I called roomate and SO to ask if they recognized the man or vehicle. Roomate said no and told me I did the right thing by not answering it but SO....

SO got reallly mad. He is selling his truck and was upset that I didn't answer because it "could have been important". Well...it also could have been a rapey murderer. And I figured he would leave a note if it was important. SO is mad that it could have been someone interested in the truck (which isn't even here,btw) and now I blew it. I'm so incredibly pissed off by this.

I said I'm sorry and when I went to say I love you to end the phone call he just goes "BYE" and hangs up.

Just.....ugh.

Ever since the incident with the "window salesman" I've been on edge about strangers. He thinks I'm being ridiculus and I wish he would be more protective and understnding I guess.
 
Of all three relationships I've been in, I've never had any sort of major fight with my bfs either. Well, except the first one. We had A fight (granted...we were both drunk) in the streets of Newcastle because he decided to just blurt out that he did a couple lines of Mkat (UK term for bath salts). Didn't quite know how to react. I was just kind of annoyed because that was apparently the reason he didn't want me to come to a concert with him or pregame with him and some friends. Should have just said that to me but whatever. He also has a slight addictive personality so I was a little worried since I was leaving to go back to the US later in like a week.

We were fine by the next morning so it wasn't a huge deal. I generally try not to hold grudges and may just be too easy going or am able to see the other person's perspective easily too. But you're definitely not alone in the "not having huge blow outs" department. I'm even on pretty decent terms with an ex who handle the whole process of breaking up with me poorly.
 
SO got reallly mad. He is selling his truck and was upset that I didn't answer because it "could have been important". Well...it also could have been a rapey murderer. And I figured he would leave a note if it was important. SO is mad that it could have been someone interested in the truck (which isn't even here,btw) and now I blew it. I'm so incredibly pissed off by this.

I think you are justified in being upset. Is he advertising the truck somewhere with your address posted? If so, that is a bad idea for many reasons. And if he told someone they could come and look at the truck, he should have given you a heads up. If neither of those is the case, then there wouldn't be any reason to think it was about the truck and he shouldn't be mad at you!

I would have done the same thing you did. I secret ninja spy and don't answer the door if its a stranger as well. :laugh:
 
I think you are justified in being upset. Is he advertising the truck somewhere with your address posted? If so, that is a bad idea for many reasons. And if he told someone they could come and look at the truck, he should have given you a heads up. If neither of those is the case, then there wouldn't be any reason to think it was about the truck and he shouldn't be mad at you!

I would have done the same thing you did. I secret ninja spy and don't answer the door if its a stranger as well. :laugh:


his truck is usually parked out front when he is home with a sign that just has his phone number and name on it. And truck details, of course. The truck isnt even here! So IDK, I have no idea why someone would come by when the truck is not even here if they were interested.
 
Ever since the incident with the "window salesman" I've been on edge about strangers. He thinks I'm being ridiculus and I wish he would be more protective and understnding I guess.

He doesn't need to be more protective, and the only thing he needs to understand is that you shouldn't be expected to do something that makes you feel unsafe. If you felt there was any possibility of you being in danger, you should have done exactly what you did. He is being a butt because he's frustrated he hasn't sold his truck. He should never ask you to do something that makes you feel unsafe unless it is a dire emergency or something. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being rediculous, it doesn't matter if you ARE being rediculous, what matters is that you felt unsafe and kept yourself safe using reasonable means. He should respect that.
 
Well...it also could have been a rapey murderer.

I burst out laughing at this. Something about the phrase just really got me, haha!
Also, so true. He needs to cool it and realize rapey murderers are real life.

I'm also collecting advice for how to handle a long distance relationship, like blackdog17. My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years, living together for 6 months in a house he owns (in New Jersey). We're both very independent, easy going. Before we lived together, we were 2 hrs apart and saw each other on weekends, and we handled it very well. Now that we are living together, we are looooving coming home to each other and haven't hit any sort of issues yet. I'm going to Ross in September, though, which is quite a whopping distance and as I've lived paycheck-to-paycheck through undergrad, plane tickets are not going to be something I can afford every time I have a break.
I got a facebook so we can chit chat about people's silly stuff on our newsfeed when we catch up over the phone, and I definitely plan on skyping often. I'm just really apprehensive because I know it's going to be tough.
I have a scrapbook sort of thing he keeps on his nighstand, and every week I add another note to it. Some are serious, some silly, some ridiculous, some lovey dovey. I was thinking of keeping it up while I'm away and mailing them.
 
I have a scrapbook sort of thing he keeps on his nighstand, and every week I add another note to it. Some are serious, some silly, some ridiculous, some lovey dovey. I was thinking of keeping it up while I'm away and mailing them.

That's adorable!
 
I'm also collecting advice for how to handle a long distance relationship, like blackdog17. My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years, living together for 6 months in a house he owns (in New Jersey). We're both very independent, easy going. Before we lived together, we were 2 hrs apart and saw each other on weekends, and we handled it very well. Now that we are living together, we are looooving coming home to each other and haven't hit any sort of issues yet. I'm going to Ross in September, though, which is quite a whopping distance and as I've lived paycheck-to-paycheck through undergrad, plane tickets are not going to be something I can afford every time I have a break.
I got a facebook so we can chit chat about people's silly stuff on our newsfeed when we catch up over the phone, and I definitely plan on skyping often. I'm just really apprehensive because I know it's going to be tough.
I have a scrapbook sort of thing he keeps on his nighstand, and every week I add another note to it. Some are serious, some silly, some ridiculous, some lovey dovey. I was thinking of keeping it up while I'm away and mailing them.

My SO and I have been together for 6 years, the past four have been long distance. I'm usually between 4-8 hours away depending where work has sent him so I see him about once every two months.
I second all of the advice given to blackdog above. We text a little bit every day and then either call or talk on Skype about twice a week. At first I would find that I ran out of stuff to talk about but it turns out I was just forgetting. I keep a little list on my phone now since I'm very forgetful and whenever something happens that I want to tell him about other, then I just add it to the list. Sometimes well watch a tv show "together" and talk during the commercials. We'll also read the same book or I'll read book A while he reads book B and then trade next time were together. Then, we can talk about the books. If the books have a movie then we make it a point to see the movie together next time we can visit. When he was still at undergrad I would sometimes send him a letter or small gift so I think your idea of sending notes would be fun :). He doesn't have an address at work so I can't send stuff very often now :( but he still randomly sends me stuff. We both have iPads which makes skyping while walking about the house easy, but we also play the same games and try to beat each others scores or play against each other. Just keep it spontaneous and interesting and make the most of the time you do have together!
 
Not sure what's exactly going on with this former marine guy I met but he came over Saturday night to hang out with some other friends there too. And he'll be back in two weeks. :)
 
At first I would find that I ran out of stuff to talk about but it turns out I was just forgetting. I keep a little list on my phone now since I'm very forgetful and whenever something happens that I want to tell him about other, then I just add it to the list.
This is so funny because I'm the same exact way. Worst memory ever. I used to do this, too, when we lived 2 hrs apart so that by the time I drove down there on the weekend I had a list of "oh! i have to tell him about this!" items.
Thanks for the advice!
 
This is such a helpful forum
 
Last edited:
I'm really appreciating the LDR advice here...my bf and I started going out about halfway through sentior year of hs, and for most of the last two years we're been LD because I go to school in Pittsburgh and he's back in Florida. That first semester was rough, but we've been able to handle it a lot better this year.
I don't know if these things will work for other people, but we're big on texting. Neither of us really like talking on the phone (not sure why, but the only person I will talk with on the phone is my mom, unless I have to), but we text pretty continuously throughout the day. Sometimes it's like we've had a never-ending conversation going on for 2.5 years lol We also have Skype dates at least once a week. Usually we watch movies or tv shows on Netflix, but I got into pc gaming recently and he's always been a gamer, so sometimes we'll do a multiplayer or co-op. It's fun until he starts to get tired and grouchy XD And then we just spend as much time as we can together when we have breaks. So far I've been able to go home for every break. This summer will be hard because I'll (hopefully) be very busy with volunteering and working, but I think we'll still be able to find time to spend together :)
 
I am absolutely loving this thread. A lot of you have amazing advice, thank you! I have been with my bf for a year now and we've already had the marriage talk. If I get in this year to vet school he wants to come as long as he finds a job as good or better than what he has now. For anyone who's done this- good or bad experiences? I said I would love for him to come but I will not be bf/gf I want us to be engaged. Been there with the living with bf before and did not work, was just awful. So I want it to be something more permanent but don't have the funds yet to get married. Anyone get married while in vet school? Good or bad idea - have time to plan? Not only would I love to have him there supporting me, I would love to have our little family (me, him, my dog).
 
We both have iPads which makes skyping while walking about the house easy, but we also play the same games and try to beat each others scores or play against each other. Just keep it spontaneous and interesting and make the most of the time you do have together!

SO recently suggested this, so we're in the market for tablets, currently.
Also, he just found out he's going to be getting surgery on his bum shoulder. I'm pushing for him to get it done ASAP so that I can help him through the first few months before I go to Ross, but he's insisting that he doesn't get it done until I leave so that he doesn't waste any fun summer time with me before I leave. :scared:
Not thrilled about this. My issue about being far away is not being able to take care of him or my parents if anything goes awry, and the first thing this guy wants to do is go in for surgery?
He keeps trying to distract me with a tablet now by saying things like "It's all right, a tablet will keep me occupied while I'm laid up on leave!" Yeah... nice try. :eyebrow:


As for you, Michelle25, I also had a terrible experience living with an ex boyfriend. I'm currently living with my now-boyfriend and although I had (huge) reserves about it, this is an entirely different relationship from the other one. It would have been very unfair for my current SO if I wasn't willing to give it a chance just because some other guy was a huge jerk.
I truly feel that in this situation, it's all about who you're with. My SO always makes me feel more comfortable and secure about anything that's going on. If you imagine yourself living with someone, and thinking about it makes you happy and excited, you might be in the right place. An engagement will not change how copacetic a domestic partnership will be. If anything, I personally feel it would just add more pressure at an already overwhelmingly dynamic time.
That's just how I feel. My boyfriend and I have been together two years, been living together six months, and I will be leaving for vet school for 2.5 years in August. We have a great relationship, but unfortunately relocating is absolutely not an option for him. I'm not looking for an engagement right now because I am a glutton for challenges, and I want to see us tackle the crap out of being in a long distance relationship. Then I'll be sure we can handle whatever else happens to us.
 
SO recently suggested this, so we're in the market for tablets, currently.
Also, he just found out he's going to be getting surgery on his bum shoulder. I'm pushing for him to get it done ASAP so that I can help him through the first few months before I go to Ross, but he's insisting that he doesn't get it done until I leave so that he doesn't waste any fun summer time with me before I leave. :scared:
Not thrilled about this. My issue about being far away is not being able to take care of him or my parents if anything goes awry, and the first thing this guy wants to do is go in for surgery?
He keeps trying to distract me with a tablet now by saying things like "It's all right, a tablet will keep me occupied while I'm laid up on leave!" Yeah... nice try. :eyebrow:


As for you, Michelle25, I also had a terrible experience living with an ex boyfriend. I'm currently living with my now-boyfriend and although I had (huge) reserves about it, this is an entirely different relationship from the other one. It would have been very unfair for my current SO if I wasn't willing to give it a chance just because some other guy was a huge jerk.
I truly feel that in this situation, it's all about who you're with. My SO always makes me feel more comfortable and secure about anything that's going on. If you imagine yourself living with someone, and thinking about it makes you happy and excited, you might be in the right place. An engagement will not change how copacetic a domestic partnership will be. If anything, I personally feel it would just add more pressure at an already overwhelmingly dynamic time.
That's just how I feel. My boyfriend and I have been together two years, been living together six months, and I will be leaving for vet school for 2.5 years in August. We have a great relationship, but unfortunately relocating is absolutely not an option for him. I'm not looking for an engagement right now because I am a glutton for challenges, and I want to see us tackle the crap out of being in a long distance relationship. Then I'll be sure we can handle whatever else happens to us.

Agreed! You're gonna be living together. What is a ring and commitment going to change about the way you exist in a household together? I can tell you from personal experience, absolutely nothing. That has to do with your relationship together, not whether he felt obligated to put a ring on your finger. I know that's not exactly how you may see it, and I understand that, but you will be thinking down the road "did he propose bc he felt obligated or bc he wants to?"
But the bottom line is that if your PAST live in BF was a disaster, don't blame your new bf and put added pressure on him. That past situation has nothing to do with your current situation. As your BF, I would wonder how much you contributed to the problem and be scared to get trapped by an engagement. Just another perspective.
 
So I want it to be something more permanent but don't have the funds yet to get married. Anyone get married while in vet school? Good or bad idea - have time to plan? Not only would I love to have him there supporting me, I would love to have our little family (me, him, my dog).

There's always the option of getting married at city hall and having a full out wedding when you're done with school, if the actual wedding part is important to you. I got engaged after first year and have been planning from 1200miles away - wedding is in three weeks - and it's do-able but stressful. A friend got married the summer after first year but she was only a few hours away from home and she could go home to get stuff done on long weekends. I think the closer you are to where you're having the wedding, the easier it is. (I personally wish we had eloped but we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings about not getting to come.)

As for having him there with you, hit or miss. My SO and I are LD and I miss him but I've realized that it's actually better overall that he isn't here with me. Job market aside (there's literally nothing here for him), I'm so engrossed in school that I feel like I wouldn't be able to pay enough attention to him or would be distracted by always wanting to spend time with him. Add on the fact that you will have essentially built-in friends/support in your classmates, he will have to find friends of his own and the move may be a lot harder on him than you. Yeah, you can hang out with your classmates but all anyone wants to do is talk about school and I imagine that as an "outsider" that would get boring/annoying fast. While leaving them behind is hard, I don't think it's quite as bad as people think it will be, at least for us.
 
There's always the option of getting married at city hall and having a full out wedding when you're done with school, if the actual wedding part is important to you. .

I highly recommend this. My wife and I got married at city hall (well the overseas equivalent anyway), and it was accidentally the best thing we ever did.

We had a full-blown wedding celebration a year later, and although it was still tiring planning for, it was much less stressful. You can concentrate on enjoying the party because the fact is, you are already married.
 
Also, he just found out he's going to be getting surgery on his bum shoulder. I'm pushing for him to get it done ASAP so that I can help him through the first few months before I go to Ross, but he's insisting that he doesn't get it done until I leave so that he doesn't waste any fun summer time with me before I leave. :scared:
Not thrilled about this. My issue about being far away is not being able to take care of him or my parents if anything goes awry, and the first thing this guy wants to do is go in for surgery?
He keeps trying to distract me with a tablet now by saying things like "It's all right, a tablet will keep me occupied while I'm laid up on leave!" Yeah... nice try. :eyebrow:

My now-husband had shoulder surgery when we had been together for like 6 months. He had a slap repair for a torn labrum and bicep tendon. He stayed with me post-surgery - there is no way he could have stayed alone. He was in a lot of pain and was pretty much icing 24/7. He got this ice chest looking thing with an attachment that wrapped around the shoulder that circulated ice water. He was using it so often that our ice maker couldn't keep up so I was having to go to 7-11 twice a day for bags of ice. He had to sleep sitting up so he wouldn't roll over onto his shoulder at night. The recliner was his best friend but to get comfortable I had to help him with pillows and blankets. When he showered he had to remove the brace/sling thing but had to hold his bad arm with his good arm rather than let it dangle on it's own, making it nearly impossible for him to wash his hair and body. Plus he couldn't chop or cook with one hand so I was having to help him a lot.

So yeah - you should encourage your SO to let you help him! He will definitely need it :thumbup:
 
I highly recommend this. My wife and I got married at city hall (well the overseas equivalent anyway), and it was accidentally the best thing we ever did.

We had a full-blown wedding celebration a year later, and although it was still tiring planning for, it was much less stressful. You can concentrate on enjoying the party because the fact is, you are already married.

My husband and I did this too (though mainly because of the military). We were legally married at the county courthouse and are having our wedding this summer ... a couple yeas after the fact :D
 
My husband and I did this too (though mainly because of the military). We were legally married at the county courthouse and are having our wedding this summer ... a couple yeas after the fact :D

This is what we are doing once my fiancé is home from deployment. ( now I am just hoping he gets home before classes start in the fall!!!)
 
This is what we are doing once my fiancé is home from deployment. ( now I am just hoping he gets home before classes start in the fall!!!)

It's the way to go for military - he'll get a higher BAH and spousal support. Plus it gives you access to all military bases and resources. And seriously Tri Care is awesome! Whenever I go somewhere I always ask if they offer a military discount ;)
 
I got married toward the end of first year, but in the middle of classes. We ended up having about 110 guests, so it wasn't a small thing... With all of our guests from out of town with the exception of about 10 of them, we made everyone come to us. We had it on a holiday weekend to give people time to travel without having to take off work if they didn't want to. Then, to spread out the work, we paid his aunt to handle the table decorations. I would have preferred to have gotten married at a different time, because the wedding landed in the middle of two weeks with 5 or 6 exams, but I lived and actually got my highest GPA that block. The wedding wasn't actually that much extra stress on top of vet school, even considering I didn't have a cake the week of the wedding (thank goodness I called to see how it was coming along!).

I will say, it was better for me that we had our wedding locally. I can't imagine trying to plan a wedding from hundreds of miles away, but I know people do it. Several couples in the class ahead of me got married this year, none of them locally. Two of my friends are getting married in the next year or so and they are also doing theirs out of town (one a couple hours away, the other 7-8 hours away).

Living with my husband is better for me than not. We do fine with long distance, but he motivates me to take time to see/rent movies, get out of the house and walk the dog, and just take a break from school. This year was rough and I think he saved the day a few times recently just by being here and encouraging me to do non-school things.
 
My now-husband had shoulder surgery when we had been together for like 6 months. He had a slap repair for a torn labrum and bicep tendon. He stayed with me post-surgery - there is no way he could have stayed alone. He was in a lot of pain and was pretty much icing 24/7. He got this ice chest looking thing with an attachment that wrapped around the shoulder that circulated ice water. He was using it so often that our ice maker couldn't keep up so I was having to go to 7-11 twice a day for bags of ice. He had to sleep sitting up so he wouldn't roll over onto his shoulder at night. The recliner was his best friend but to get comfortable I had to help him with pillows and blankets. When he showered he had to remove the brace/sling thing but had to hold his bad arm with his good arm rather than let it dangle on it's own, making it nearly impossible for him to wash his hair and body. Plus he couldn't chop or cook with one hand so I was having to help him a lot.

So yeah - you should encourage your SO to let you help him! He will definitely need it :thumbup:


:scared::scared::scared:

Of course, when he came back from the appointment, he couldn't answer any of my questions as to what exactly is torn and what exactly the surgery is termed. He did say two things (tendons) were completely torn and gave me a rough description of how the orthopedist described the surgery, which more or less sounded like rotator cuff repair. Any which way, he's acting like it's going to be way less serious than I'm sure it will be. I really doubt our roommates are willing to shower with him and cook for him. He read your post over my shoulder and sighed and is now grudgingly rethinking. :thumbup:
 
BF is being so nice. Ive had 2 emotional break downs in the past week and he has just been taking it like a champ. One involved me coming home from work and screaming/yelling at him...he did do something wrong(sitting around all day so I had to come home to a wrecked house) but it didnt warrant an outburst like that. We don't yell at each other, thats off limits. Work has been stressful. Then I came home crying last night because...surprise!....work is stressful.

After 4 1/2 years with someone you really start to rely on them.

I am going to make him dinner for when he gets home tonight. Salmon (on sale this week for $5/pound....score) and his favorite rice.
 
BF is being so nice. Ive had 2 emotional break downs in the past week and he has just been taking it like a champ. One involved me coming home from work and screaming/yelling at him...he did do something wrong(sitting around all day so I had to come home to a wrecked house) but it didnt warrant an outburst like that. We don't yell at each other, thats off limits. Work has been stressful. Then I came home crying last night because...surprise!....work is stressful.

After 4 1/2 years with someone you really start to rely on them.

I am going to make him dinner for when he gets home tonight. Salmon (on sale this week for $5/pound....score) and his favorite rice.

You noticing and thanking him by making his favorite meal will definitely encourage him to continue supporting you. How a relationship should be. Neither one of you feel obligated, you just do it and appreciate when it's done for you. Sounds like you've got something good :love:
 
You noticing and thanking him by making his favorite meal will definitely encourage him to continue supporting you. How a relationship should be. Neither one of you feel obligated, you just do it and appreciate when it's done for you. Sounds like you've got something good :love:


I think so too. :D

I have a hard time answering people who ask me "how we do it". BF's brother aked us that a few weeks ago. Uhm, idk we just do. I think not having to think about "making it work" is what makes us work. We treat each other with respect and admit when we're wrong. We try not to judge too quickly and wait until we have settled down to discuss disagreements. I think that's a root issue in many relationships.
 
I think so too. :D

I have a hard time answering people who ask me "how we do it". BF's brother aked us that a few weeks ago. Uhm, idk we just do. I think not having to think about "making it work" is what makes us work. We treat each other with respect and admit when we're wrong. We try not to judge too quickly and wait until we have settled down to discuss disagreements. I think that's a root issue in many relationships.

Yep. Same thing my fiancé and I do. Respect is huge. We lost it for a while and our relationship fell apart. Decided to work on respecting each other more and it fixed everything. There are never motives questioned when you respect each other. Everything works itself out.
And we appreciate each other and are just there when needed. Just because.
 
BF is being so nice. Ive had 2 emotional break downs in the past week and he has just been taking it like a champ. One involved me coming home from work and screaming/yelling at him...he did do something wrong(sitting around all day so I had to come home to a wrecked house) but it didnt warrant an outburst like that. We don't yell at each other, thats off limits. Work has been stressful. Then I came home crying last night because...surprise!....work is stressful.

After 4 1/2 years with someone you really start to rely on them.

I am going to make him dinner for when he gets home tonight. Salmon (on sale this week for $5/pound....score) and his favorite rice.

Oh my god, I don't know what I would do if my SO wasn't the same way... I almost bit his head off in the middle of finals last week, and he totally understood and responded the next day by jokingly bringing me a huge carton of strawberries and hanging it down over me in my study lair, carrot on a stick style (implying, you know, feed the bear cautiously)...

3t156kG.jpg


I very nearly got angry at him for that, too, but then just collapsed into laughter. I was so tired and it was just ludicrous but I appreciate him so much.
 
Oh my god, I don't know what I would do if my SO wasn't the same way... I almost bit his head off in the middle of finals last week, and he totally understood and responded the next day by jokingly bringing me a huge carton of strawberries and hanging it down over me in my study lair, carrot on a stick style (implying, you know, feed the bear cautiously)...

This is seriously so hilarious. :laugh: What a funny guy.
 
That is so funny!!

I think as long as you're able to laugh about it, or make a nice dinner, it's all good. Like we keep saying, as long as the respect and understanding is there, you'll get through it.
 
Top