relationship story seeking advice/opinions

[osteounsub]

I am currently in medical school about to enter clinical rotations/clerkships and I would like to share my story in hopes of getting some feedback.

I met my (recent) ex-girlfriend 2 years ago during medical school. Everything was happy, with some arguments here and there, but nothing dramatic worth breaking up over. However, I had a major academic setback in which I had to be held back a year due to not passing classes. I then spent the following year studying my notes/review books, also doing some shadowing and volunteer opportunities. This was back in the fall of last year, but now she recently brought it up saying that I wasn't proactive and seeking help (seeing a shrink and whatnot). I would classify what I had as an adjustment disorder (as I was ashamed to see classmates/friends that are now in the graduating year ahead of me), but I didn't have any suicidal thoughts or anger issues that I took out on her. If anything, I had a gloomy disposition in which i lacked some self-confidence. I thought that before I would see a "shrink" I would try to figure out things on my own. Now she wants to break up because of the fact that I didnt "take care of (myself)" and wasn't pro-active enough, even though I had done what I could do in our relationship as far as taking care of her and complying to some of her requests on changing my superficial appearance, and doing things that I could do that could make me a better person (not just a better future physician)

I may be willing to expand more on certain things if you'd like to know (via this thread or PM) but I would like to know your opinions and suggestions - if this relationship is worth saving (which I would like, but she has her doubts). I am just really upset that this came about right before I have to study for my Step 1 exam... Thank you in advance for your comments

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[fancymylotus]

I am currently in medical school about to enter clinical rotations/clerkships and I would like to share my story in hopes of getting some feedback.

I met my (recent) ex-girlfriend 2 years ago during medical school. Everything was happy, with some arguments here and there, but nothing dramatic worth breaking up over. However, I had a major academic setback in which I had to be held back a year due to not passing classes. I then spent the following year studying my notes/review books, also doing some shadowing and volunteer opportunities. This was back in the fall of last year, but now she recently brought it up saying that I wasn't proactive and seeking help (seeing a shrink and whatnot). I would classify what I had as an adjustment disorder (as I was ashamed to see classmates/friends that are now in the graduating year ahead of me), but I didn't have any suicidal thoughts or anger issues that I took out on her. If anything, I had a gloomy disposition in which i lacked some self-confidence. I thought that before I would see a "shrink" I would try to figure out things on my own. Now she wants to break up because of the fact that I didnt "take care of (myself)" and wasn't pro-active enough, even though I had done what I could do in our relationship as far as taking care of her and complying to some of her requests on changing my superficial appearance, and doing things that I could do that could make me a better person (not just a better future physician)

I may be willing to expand more on certain things if you'd like to know (via this thread or PM) but I would like to know your opinions and suggestions - if this relationship is worth saving (which I would like, but she has her doubts). I am just really upset that this came about right before I have to study for my Step 1 exam... Thank you in advance for your comments

If some girl isn't going to stick around to be supportive of you while you're going through this stuff, it's not a relationship worth investing any more time or effort into.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

If some girl isn't going to stick around to be supportive of you while you're going through this stuff, it's not a relationship worth investing any more time or effort into.

To be fair, we're only hearing one side of the story. Dating someone in the midst of a depression can be extremely taxing, even if you care for them.

We have no idea what the other side of this story is. OP could have been walking around acting like a miserable wet blanket all the time, maybe putting some effort in here and there "doing what he could" but not as much as he could....Just because you weren't suicidal or taking things out on her directly doesn't mean that your attitude didn't grind her down. When you are around someone who is constantly gloomy, it can affect you drastically.

Now, I'm not saying that it the case, OP. But before people start jumping into "She wouldn't support you, blah blah"....again, there are two sides to everything. If you're just sad to see people graduating ahead of you and are acting like a constant Debbie Downer that no one wants to be around because of it, you need to sack up. If you are truly depressed, you need to seek help.

FWIW, the term "shrink" (especially in parentheses) bugs me. When people use that word it indicates to me that they don't exactly think highly of people in the mental health field.

However, it sounds like the relationship will fail eventually anyway until you get your head back on straight, OP. I don't blame this girl if this has been a long, protracted course. I myelf had to extricate myself from an ex who suffered from depression because 1) There was really nothing I could do except be supportive, and 2) Being so supportive all the time, having to deal with the constant misery, was dragging me down as well to the point where the relationship was nothing but fighting and gloom. He needed space and time alone to fix himself. It wasn't fair to either of us.

 

[Loptometriste]

I think it is time to pull yourself up by your boot straps and study for your Step 1 exam. Sorry.

 

[emicsu]

It sounds like you have a lot going through your head and maybe right now isn't the time to make these big decisions. Without knowing more of your story, it's generally true that when you take the time to care for yourself and put your best foot forward, then you can give 100% to a relationship. You want to be a complete and healthy person on your own before you try to hack it with someone else.

Who is to say that it can't work out at some future time in 6 months to a year? Right now might be a good time for you to focus on yourself. Study for step 1. Do what makes YOU happy. Change things that YOU think need to be changed (not someone else's opinion). Fulfill your personal goals. Develop confidence. That is what is attractive to people. And in a year, when you decide to ask her out on a date again, you won't be offended because you already have three more lined up . Best of luck and keep your head up!

 

[J ROD]

well, it sounds like she wants out of the relationship, so there is nothing to save since she wants out.

I would focus on Step 1 and just let her break up with you since she is going to anyway.

She has lost faith in you as a man. Cant get that back. She does not see you as a man anymore so you would be better to move on and start fresh.

You could not handle your crap at the time and she sees you as weak and even has tried to change your physical appearance to make you more manly besides the inside.

It's done......call it. Focus on school and then find another chick and man the hell up and handle your biz.

 

[ToothbrushBuddy]

It sounds like she did care for you, and now she probably wants a break to take care of herself for now because it gets exhausting trying to care for someone that you really want to help but they don't always want to help themselves. If you still love her, prove to her that you can take care of yourself, get some mental help, and concentrate on your needs right now. Later on, she may feel ready to try again, or you may just be better off with someone else who can understand your situation better.