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Serious question...

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by kinley, 03.02.12.

  1. kinley

    kinley

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    So I'm 24 years old, male, will be starting medical school this fall (took two years off to work on my application, get my life in order, etc) and I got to thinking about where I stand as far as relationships/intimacy is concerned.

    I've NEVER had a relationship, either short term, or long term, with anyone of the opposite sex (I'm male) in my life. High school was a doozy, and college, well college was spent working on my AMCAS application. When I finally got the acceptance letter, I breathed a sigh of relief and started thinking about the next "stage" of life.

    I've always considered relationships in college to be superfluous- for some reason I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that very young/nubile, immature, jobless, relatively uneducated, still going through the awkward stage (acne, hormonal issues, emotional instability issues) individuals could hold a serious relationship- it seemed like an excuse to find someone to have regular intimate contact with. I always thought I'd be way more confident in a relationship when I was completely independent, earning money, was highly educated, done growing both physically and mentally, and ready for a serious relationship. In addition, I was looking for more than just intimacy in a relationship.

    However, now I'm 24 years old, and entering medical school this fall, and I constantly see all my other male friends in relationships (some serious, leading to marriage) others short-term, and it really gets me thinking. Have I missed out on anything? Was my line of thinking wrong? Is it because I am just not good enough/lacking something? It is only going to get worse in medical school from what I have seen- most people are either going to be married- and the ones that are single- well, who knows about them.

    My culture dictates that I wait until marriage to pursue a relationship with someone- both emotional and physical- and that also played a role in my line of thinking. I recently read a Kinsey report on the latest statistics regarding relationships/partners of people in the United States, and it stated that by age 25, 98% of men and women in the United States have had some sort of relationship with the opposite sex- a staggeringly high number- and this includes all ethnicities.

    Taking my anecdotal evidence and this fact into account, I have been feeling very depressed about my situation as of late. I sometimes feel that my high morals/thought processes have just been a facade/excuse to cover up inadequacies in myself, that prevented my from being desirable to females in college. I've seen plenty of males and females from my own culture in relationships- and I considered them to be the minority- however, facts obviously say otherwise.

    So my question is: should I stop worrying? Medical school is on the horizon, and the last thing I need is something that causes unneeded anxiety. Are there females out there that share a similar mindset- as in waiting until late 20s, when they are settled, to pursue a relationship? Or am I in the extreme minority? Worst comes worst, I may just have to go back to my own country to find a nice wife who shares my situation. I appreciate any thoughts on the subject.
  2. beethousand

    beethousand

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    I would first and foremost recommend you to stop being so hard on yourself and to quit comparing yourself to others! That is likely a big source of your anxiety. Secondly, while many people have relationships early in life they are just learning the ropes. People break up, people are rejected, some people realize they are attracted to the same section, etc. It's a learning period! That being said you have to work on being OK with yourself. Rejection happens, don't take it out on yourself. Be willing to admit that you are fallible just like everybody else and that believe it or not you don't always have to put up a front for somebody to accept that you are a good person. Just my 2 cents.
  3. beethousand

    beethousand

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    _Opposite sex not section. Stupid smart phones....

    Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk
  4. kinley

    kinley

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    Thanks for that. I thought I'd add that I can think of nothing that stands out about me that would be a great hindrance when it comes to finding a relationship- as far as physical characteristics, I'm well above the average American male's height (over 6 feet tall), my skin tone lands at #3 on the Fitzpatrick scale (shown to be universally desirable), my bone structure is Cro-Magnid- good jaw line(shared by Arnold, and other "manly" celebs), eyes almond shaped and dark brown in color, my nose and lips proportional and normally shaped, teeth white and straight, hair jet black and straight (hair loss is minimal and not noticeable) and I keep myself at 8% body fat year round through resistance training. As far as mental characteristics/hobbies, I play a variety of sports, play the guitar, speak four different languages, do MMA, watch a plethora of movies, both foreign and domestic, and listen to a wide variety of music. I don't drink or smoke, eat healthy, cook and have good fashion sense. I am always in touch with the latest tech and apps. So I can't think of anything wrong with me. I guess whats really bothering me is, what does it say about me if I can't have a relationship until I'm 30 years old and a physician?
  5. libster06

    libster06 Crank a wank!

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    Exactly. I've had a handful of relationships, my most recent of which ended last May after 5 years. I am also 24, so all my [4] previous relationships have been when I was more or less a child, and the 5 year one was over a critical time when we were both growing up and trying to find ourselves... Thus probably is why it ultimately didn't pan out.

    When I became single again, I felt like I was virtually at square one, when all my friends were settling down, because while I was in my long-term relationship, they had all been living it up and dating and finding who they were compatible with... it was worrisome at first, but then I realized that, hey, I'm a good looking girl, with an attractive personality. SOMEONE is going to want me at SOME point, and fretting over it isn't going to get me there any quicker... Or make me more desirable.

    Nothing's wrong with you... I will tell you that it sounds like you haven't let yourself at all get any level of comfortable with a girl in order to have any potential for anything to happen. However, there are othwr guys like you out there. My good friend here in vet school is extremely good looking and a nice guy, but he's extremely focused on school and his goal of specializing. He's also a fairly nervous person, and simply feels like a relationship, or even a girl of interest, would derail him right now. He's not worried that he's hopeless, he's just waiting for a time when he is settled in his career and can have more time to devote to cultivating a relationship.
  6. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    The two things that would come to mind for me are:

    1) Are you sure you're straight? I've seen this happen with a few of my friends that are guys. They resisted dating just because they didn't want to think about the possibility they are gay.

    2) Do you have a reasonable number of non-family social connections (friends, co-workers you hang out with, etc...)? If you don't you might fall somewhere on the very high end of the autistic scale. I've also seen this with a few patients that were otherwise normal, but they just didn't really have any significant interaction with anyone outside of their families.

    If you check out on the two above, you're probably just a nerd. You'll be fine. If you can do all of the above, you should have no trouble picking up game in no time.
  7. kinley

    kinley

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    Thanks for the reply. I'm most definitely not gay, as can be evidenced by my attraction to females that catch my fancy. As far as social connections, I am not the most popular person, but yes, I have a lot of connections that I can hang with- but they tend to be 5-10 years older than me in most cases. I've had people inquire about my status as far as whether I was married or not- mostly older women. Strange occurrence, but apparently I must look like I'm an old married guy for some reason.

    One more thing I'd like to add, is that I have ridiculously high standards- I look for things like no smoking, no drinking, a relatively clean relationship history, sound mind, and fitness, apart from the pretty face. I also tend to be attracted more-so to girls from my own community- of which there are far and few between where I live. All these variables make it even harder to find someone. I am slowly beginning to realize that its better to play the waiting game, finish residency, and then find someone suitable. Its the only way I can satisfy the checklist I've created.
  8. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    Okay, there's one major problem for you. That checklist? It really doesn't mean ****. What you think you want, and what you actually really want, can often be rather different. If you stick to a rigid checklist expect to either A) Be lonely for a really long time B) Get what you thought you wanted, only to realize it isn't what you actually wanted, and you are either trapped in a relationship you hate, or you wasted a tremendous amount of effort and time on nothing.

    Unless you actually get out there and date there is absolutely no way you can say with any reasonable certainty that you even have an idea of what you want. Relationships are at least 50% emotional, that isn't something you can checklist.

    I can almost guarantee this will end very, very poorly if you choose this path. What you don't realize is by that point any woman you'd want would most likely want nothing to do with you for the fact that you have absolutely no idea how to be with a woman or in a relationship. The kind of woman you want will get one whiff of that and run in the opposite direction.
  9. kinley

    kinley

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    Fair enough. I suppose you've had more experience with this, and I am still naive about these kinds of things. I agree that its not wise to be rigid and only "screen" people that conform to this checklist- but I also think its sort of a defense mechanism I use to both ensure that I get a "safe" partner that doesn't do any emotional damage to me- and also to keep up the notion that "its not me, but her".

    The community thing really is an issue though- but then again, humans are humans, and I should become more open to other ethnic groups.

    Do you have any recommendations on what I should do? Dating in medical school is going to be a challenge, and from what I hear, it all goes downhill during residency- doesnt it make sense to hold off on this relationship thing? I dont see myself having time to do this kind of thing when I'm worrying about nabbing that residency of my dreams. Or should I still look for someone/date? I'm so confused.
  10. smq123

    smq123 John Singer Sargent Administrator SDN Senior Moderator SDN Advisor

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    There's never a good time to date or try to find someone. Yes, you'll be busy in med school...but you'll be even busier in residency, and will probably stay just as busy as an attending. Life doesn't slow down or get easier as you get older.
  11. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    Damage will occur, and if you're smart about it. personal growth will be the result. There's no avoiding it. I think you'd be impressed with how much you don't know about yourself having never been in a relationship. There is a whole part of your personality you know absolutely nothing about.

    SMQ hit it right on the head. Unfortunately, you kinda missed the boat on the one time in life learning about women and relationships is easiest for most people. However, you still have plenty of time to catch up, so I wouldn't be too concerned. We had a girl on here that was in residency and had never been involved with a guy in any way. Probably one of the most awkward people we've ever seen here on SDN, and that's saying something. However, within a few years, she was going on dates, meeting guys, etc... I have no doubt things will work out just fine for her.
    Last edited: 03.02.12
  12. kinley

    kinley

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    Well, its safe to say I'll definitely try and see if I can find someone during medical school. Here's hoping the entering class has some single, attractive women :)
  13. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    There's a good chance. All the best.
  14. dynx

    dynx Yankee Imperialist

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    ah yes. Medical school, the perfect place to find well adjusted attractive women. :laugh: You're screwed dude. Get out there and start dating ASAP.
  15. Oxer45

    Oxer45

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    Med school is the perfect place to find crazy women, which is the type the OP should be looking for. You know what they say "crazy in the head, crazy in the bed." After being sexually starved for more than a decade, he doesn't need a woman who wants to "take it slow." :laugh:
  16. libster06

    libster06 Crank a wank!

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    :rofl:
  17. kinley

    kinley

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    HAHA- I suppose you have personal experience with this? But seriously, I need an experienced woman that's volcanic in the sack :) lol. BTW, that quote is HI-Larious.
  18. dynx

    dynx Yankee Imperialist

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    well. I have been to medical school and in my N of 1 experience all the chicks (if you can call them that) are pretty much un-datable. Which really isn't important because every medical school comes conveniently located right next to a university with a ample supply of women. But the point is don't plan on dating a classmate. They're mostly bad news made worse by the fact that you're in class with them.

    I also have experience with a friend who was retarded when it comes to dating. Good looking guy too. Had girls hit on him ALL the time. I mean it was unbelievable, they would throw themselves at him. He always found some little reason to not go after them. Sounds a lot like you. Eventually he realized something was wrong but by then was past the point where he had ample opportunity and time to date (you're not going to be LESS busy from now on...forget it don't even try to argue that you will be). Now he's with some chick thats half as good looking with half the personality he probably could have gotten and is stuck since he's worried he's getting to old to be out on the single scene. The rest of us (close friends) are all married and it gets harder as you get older.

    Bottom line. Go out and have fun. Forget all this expectations ****. If you date aa girl and she sucks, well then she sucks, just move on and try to have a good time in the process. It will be a good experience regardless of what comes out of it in the long run. I'm telling you, you're making a big mistake otherwise.
  19. 235788

    235788 God Complex

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    sounds a lot like me :scared:
  20. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    Medcest is bad, m'kay.
  21. kinley

    kinley

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    Point taken. There's a couple things I'm going to be doing now; Investing in a copy of "The Game" by Neil Strauss, buying some flashy clothes, and dating like the world is ending tomorrow- every ethnic group, no discrimination. I guess the whole arranged marriage thing went to ****. Ah well, haha.
  22. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    That would be an exceptionally bad move. You need to learn organically. This is one subject where nothing can be gained by reading about it. Experience is your only teacher.
  23. kinley

    kinley

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    Haha wow. Fine. Live and learn. Any good cologne recommendations btw? Ive been using Issey Miyake for a while now, but new recs are always great.
  24. Kaustikos

    Kaustikos Klassy Gentleman

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    You guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys. I don't get it
  25. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    Due to having vasomotor rhinitis, cologne is anathema to me.
  26. Kaustikos

    Kaustikos Klassy Gentleman

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    I RARELY use cologne. As in - only if it's a special occasion, which meeting girls is not. Just shower w/ body wash and put some deodorant on. If you have to use cologne; use it sparingly. I usually put a dab on a paper towel and let it dry a bit and then rub it across my chest. I don't want to smell like cologne or the fucking cologne area of Nordstrom.
  27. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    I'd listen to Kaus on this, he gets major play with the cupcakes.
  28. WhtsThFrequency

    WhtsThFrequency walk like a monkey, kick like a mule

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    Agreed, agreed, agreed. Nothing worse than a man who smells like a department store, especially a flowery one (as it seems most men's colognes have become more and more metrosexual). Perfume is for girls, IMO. Use either very little, or not at all. I personally prefer how guys smell normally - just your basic showered guy-smell. cologne hides the natural phermones :cool:
  29. kinley

    kinley

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    Seeing you're a girl, let me ask you an awkward question: is being of south asian extraction a disadvantage as far as my dating pool is concerned? I have no idea about how race dynamics play out, but I just HAD to ask :)
  30. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    Depends, are you going to be in or near a major city? If so, no. If you're going to be in the middle of nowhere, then it will likely be at least something of an issue.
  31. kinley

    kinley

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    I'm headed to Pittsburgh. I think its pretty cosmopolitan, but who knows about the dating scene :oops:
  32. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    I wouldn't think it will be much of a concern, but I hear penn. can be its own little microcosm in certain respects. Your best bet would be to find other long time SDNers that hail from pitt. and see what they have to say about it.
  33. smq123

    smq123 John Singer Sargent Administrator SDN Senior Moderator SDN Advisor

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    You should be fine. Pittsburgh is, indeed, fairly cosmopolitan (despite the fact that you have to drive through Pennsyltucky in order to get there). I went to college there, and felt that the city was fairly open-minded about a lot of things.
  34. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    Sounds like you're all set, K.
  35. kinley

    kinley

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    Indeed. Wish me luck friend. Its going to be a wild adventure :D
  36. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    Best of luck. Go forth & conquer uncharted lands.
  37. dynx

    dynx Yankee Imperialist

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    You go planting your flag pole in virgin territory you're going to get some clingers...thats no way to start. Better to stick to previously charted waters while you get your sea legs.
  38. Kaustikos

    Kaustikos Klassy Gentleman

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    I think he was talking about the guy going beyond his previous goals. Kinda like how Columbus came to America? Yeah, it was there, but he didn't know and it was a whole new adventure for him.
  39. dynx

    dynx Yankee Imperialist

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    ahhh. I thought he was talking about banging virgins. My bad.
  40. futuredoc1004

    futuredoc1004 future_doc

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    kinley, another med student expressed rge sane concerns to ne as you have here. Chill, keep your eyes open and nature will take its course when it does. The last thing you need in med school is a rocky or unstable relationship with a bimbo or someone who clings you b/c she is needy. Whatever happens or doesn'r its for the best and just enjoy med school either way.
  41. WhtsThFrequency

    WhtsThFrequency walk like a monkey, kick like a mule

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    I wouldn't think it would be any sort of issue...unless you're ending up in a small, extremely monomorphic, conservative town.
  42. kinley

    kinley

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    I thought I'd update this thread with some relevant, surprising news. It turns out my parents had been keeping it a surprise from me, but apparently they were waiting until I was "settled/on the path to being settled in life"- they had been in talks with a family who is interested in marrying off their daughter to me- traditional arranged type thing. I've seen the girl before, and talked to her at a marriage, but I never knew she was going to be in the cards. The good news is, she's amazingly hot and smart, so I guess I got lucky! The plan is to get engaged by the end of the year, and get married sometime next year. The bad news is, I will never get to explore the wonderful world of dating:( I'm not having second thoughts about this arranged marriage thing, but I dont know guys- isn't 24 a bit young to get engaged? Maybe I'm just nervous.
  43. BrainSlug

    BrainSlug

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    Not too young, just make sure it's what you want. You might want to PM the member Zweihander here, he was around that age when he did an arranged marriage. Tell him I sent you.
  44. 235788

    235788 God Complex

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    :laugh:

    this still blows my mind.
  45. kinley

    kinley

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    Hey, you gotta cover all your bases, man. Women these days are PICKY. I'm glad I'm not in limbo anymore- I can imagine how much it must suck to put yourself out there and be judged by females on various characteristics. Life can be brutal sometimes.

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