Sexual past matters for women, but not men

[VenusinFurs]

I'm just going to leave this here

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[VenusinFurs]

Unfortunately I am a virgin. Religion is only part of the reason. I wanted to wait till marriage when I was younger but got over it in my 20's. Since then it's mostly just shyness and social awkwardness. I'm thinking of just not mentioning it if I get the chance. Virginity in men seems to creep women out.

It doesn't creep me out, but you don't need to mention it if you don't want to. Sex is all about communication- even the most experienced person needs to talk to their partner about what they like. There isn't just a magic sex button that will give your partner an insta-orgasm.

 

[touchpause13]

It doesn't creep me out, but you don't need to mention it if you don't want to. Sex is all about communication- even the most experienced person needs to talk to their partner about what they like. There isn't just a magic sex button that will give your partner an insta-orgasm.

Accurate af

 

[WildZoo]

I'm just going to leave this here

One of my very favorite HAV comics

 

[NeedToStudy]

I'm just going to leave this here

I'm afraid I don't understand how this picture relates to the conversation.

 

[NeedToStudy]

It doesn't creep me out, but you don't need to mention it if you don't want to. Sex is all about communication- even the most experienced person needs to talk to their partner about what they like. There isn't just a magic sex button that will give your partner an insta-orgasm.

The ideal scenario would be to tell her. I think it would be nice to tell a woman something that intimate. At the same time I don't want her weird her out or put too much pressure on her either, although I would like it to be special. As you can see I'm all over the place.

 

[touchpause13]

The ideal scenario would be to tell her. I think it would be nice to tell a woman something that intimate. At the same time I don't want her weird her out or put too much pressure on her either, although I would like it to be special. As you can see I'm all over the place.

I think you need to decide if you want it to be this special thing or if you just want to have sex and be done with it, because those require 2 completely different approach

 

[NeedToStudy]

I think you need to decide if you want it to be this special thing or if you just want to have sex and be done with it, because those require 2 completely different approach

I would prefer it to be special. I only have two concerns.

1. Wanting it to be "special" is not realistic or even a little childish for a man in his late 20's and early 30's.
2. Women my age will be turned off by my virginity

I think it's important to understand that I haven't been waiting for years for it to be special. In high school I expected to one day have my spouse picked by my parents ( Pakistani Muslim background here). I decided in my 20's that I no longer wanted it but was too shy and social awkward to date. I was actually pretty ok being alone and just recently decided to start dating. I'm 27 now and am pretty new to this whole dating thing.

I just point this out just in case people think I've been waiting for it to be "special" since I was a teen and have been passing over opportunities left and right. I can assure you that is not the case.

 

[Mad Jack]

I would prefer it to be special. I only have two concerns.

1. Wanting it to be "special" is not realistic or even a little childish for a man in his late 20's and early 30's.
2. Women my age will be turned off by my virginity

I think it's important to understand that I haven't been waiting for years for it to be special. In high school I expected to one day have my spouse picked by my parents ( Pakistani Muslim background here). I decided in my 20's that I no longer wanted it but was too shy and social awkward to date. I was actually pretty ok being alone and just recently decided to start dating. I'm 27 now and just went on my first date a few months back so I'm still pretty new to this whole dating thing.

I just point this out just in case people think I've been waiting for it to be "special" since I was a teen and have been passing over opportunities left and right. I can assure you that is not the case.

That's rough. Might want to try going for the religious types, as you're more likely to find someone accepting of who you are.

 

[NeedToStudy]

That's rough. Might want to try going for the religious types, as you're more likely to find someone accepting of who you are.

I'm not a religious person though.

 

[Mad Jack]

I'm not a religious person though.

Ah, saw the Muslim Pakistani bit and assumed you were. No idea then. The girls around here might be able to help you with advice more in this regard, I really just don't have the knowledge to give you pointers, as you're in the unique situation of not having any experience and being stuck trying to date those with considerable experience. I just wouldn't even know where to begin in your shoes. Good luck.

 

[touchpause13]

I'm not a religious person though.

shoot.
well.....
I honestly don't know.

 

[WildZoo]

Find someone who is also formerly religious or has relaxed in their beliefs and might have similar experiences and therefore an understanding of your position? I know that's very specific and therefore might not be helpful...

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

I dated a 28 year old virgin once (religious reasons).

He was a nice guy to be sure, but the fallout I got when we eventually broke up (not because he was/had been a virgin, but because he was incessantly insecure, could never be honest with me or stand up for himself, and could never relax around me despite my attempts to make him feel comfortable - due to inexperience I guess) was not worth it. I got all this crap about how he's now spoiled himself for his future wife because of me. Yeah. We made up and he apologized, but that stung.

That being said, I don't have a problem dating a guy who is a virgin at all just because of the virginity itself as an independent characteristic. That's a life choice same as any other and I can respect it 100%.

The issue is, a lot of guys who are still virgins in their late 20s have, in addition to not having sex (not the problem), have also not had any sort of relationship experience and have no idea how to communicate in a mature relationship (BIG problem). And when you are woman looking for a mature relationship, it's just not going to work when one party is terrified of you because they have no idea how to deal with you.

Tl;dr. Virginity itself is not a problem. But the rampant communication problems and relationship inexperience that often (not always, but often) comes along with virginity make me wary.

 

[touchpause13]

I dated a 28 year old virgin once (religious reasons).

He was a nice guy to be sure, but the fallout I got when we eventually broke up (not because he was/had been a virgin, but because he was incessantly insecure, could never be honest with me or stand up for himself, and could never relax around me despite my attempts to make him feel comfortable - due to inexperience I guess) was not worth it. I got all this crap about how he's now spoiled himself for his future wife because of me. Yeah. We made up and he apologized, but that stung.

That being said, I don't have a problem dating a guy who is a virgin at all just because of the virginity itself as an independent characteristic. That's a life choice same as any other and I can respect it 100%.

The issue is, a lot of guys who are still virgins in their late 20s have, in addition to not having sex (not the problem), have also not had any sort of relationship experience and have no idea how to communicate in a mature relationship (BIG problem). And when you are woman looking for a mature relationship, it's just not going to work when one party is terrified of you because they have no idea how to deal with you.

Tl;dr. Virginity itself is not a problem. But the rampant communication problems and relationship inexperience that often (not always, but often) comes along with virginity make me wary.

I would strongly agree. It's not like virginity itself is like a huge deal, the sex part doesn't matter in the slightest. It's the worry of accompanying baggage that would make me very wary - the possible communication problems and the fear of getting a stage 5 clinger situation - basically that they would be really upset over losing their virginity and then want to stay with you forever out of guilt.

 

[NeedToStudy]

Interesting answers. So how would a older male virgin be able to convince you to that he won't become a clinger or have communication problems? Or is it basically a risk you take whenever you date a virgin?

 

[touchpause13]

Interesting answers. So how would a older male virgin be able to convince you to that he won't become a clinger or have communication problems? Or is it basically a risk you take whenever you date a virgin?

Same thing any other potential partner would have to do. Be confident

 

[NeedToStudy]

Same thing any other potential partner would have to do. Be confident

I'm actually pretty confident in general but I'm not going to lie. If I ever end up in a situation where sex is expected, I'm going to be pretty nervous.

 

[touchpause13]

I'm actually pretty confident in general but I'm not going to lie. If I ever end up in a situation where sex is expected, I'm going to be pretty nervous.

I think that's not a very good attitude to have going into it (pun intended)
Don't think about it as "this is going to be awkard" or "I don't know what I'm doing" You have to realize that NO ONE is a perfect lover to a new partner, regardless of how many people you have been with, it just doesn't work that way. If you try and frame it as, this is an exciting experience, or I'm going to listen attentively to her and do my best to please her - there is no reason to get worked up about it or feel super nervous. Not to be flippant, but it's just sex, it's not brain surgery.

Also just as an aside, I hope you masturbate, and you can use that to work on any control issues (a common thing with guys, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything). I also hope you aren't relying on porn to see what sex is really like or how you should act, because that is nothing like sex IRL.

 

[NeedToStudy]

Also just as an aside, I hope you masturbate, and you can use that to work on any control issues (a common thing with guys, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything). I also hope you aren't relying on porn to see what sex is really like or how you should act, because that is nothing like sex IRL.

I actually do masturbate. I'm in my late twenties and still a virgin. If it wasn't for the daily orgasm from masturbating I would've gone crazy by now. I actually do watch porn but I don't really watch the mass produced porn. For ex. if a couple records themselves having sex and puts it on the internet that's the type of porn I prefer. Or for ex. I enjoy watching Girls Gone Wild videos. I enjoy watching real women rather than fake women.

 

[touchpause13]

I actually do masturbate. I'm in my late twenties and still a virgin. If it wasn't for the daily orgasm from masturbating I would've gone crazy by now. I actually do watch porn but I don't really watch the mass produced porn. For ex. if a couple records themselves having sex and puts it on the internet that's the type of porn I prefer. Or for ex. I enjoy watching Girls Gone Wild videos. I enjoy watching real women rather than fake women.

Lol well adult actresses aren't fake, they are just selling a fantasy.

It's good you take care of yourself, I know there are people who don't masturbate at all, and I wouldn't recommend that

 

[Mad Jack]

Interesting answers. So how would a older male virgin be able to convince you to that he won't become a clinger or have communication problems? Or is it basically a risk you take whenever you date a virgin?

I wouldn't open with the whole "I'm a virgin" thing. If they don't know, they can't judge you for it. As the relationship gets closer, you could perhaps open up about it after they've gained some level of trust and understanding of you.

 

[NeedToStudy]

Lol well adult actresses aren't fake, they are just selling a fantasy.

It's good you take care of yourself, I know there are people who don't masturbate at all, and I wouldn't recommend that

Honestly I sometimes masturbate more than once a day. I honestly cannot fathom not masturbating.

Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this but the idea of losing it in a one night stand seems like a waste. I want to lose it to a girlfriend. But as I can see it seems that women will worry about becoming a stage 5 clinger as you all put it.

I wouldn't open with the whole "I'm a virgin" thing. If they don't know, they can't judge you for it. As the relationship gets closer, you could perhaps open up about it after they've gained some level of trust and understanding of you.

Of course. I'm not telling women right off the bat or putting it in my dating profile. It's an extremely personal thing that I wouldn't share with a woman unless I know we're going somewhere. I haven't even told any of my friends.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

I'm actually pretty confident in general but I'm not going to lie. If I ever end up in a situation where sex is expected, I'm going to be pretty nervous.

In a sexual situation, it is totally normal for a virgin to be anxious. What I was referring to the guy being anxious in every aspect of the relationship, even platonic. He would never express any opinion contrary to mine even if I knew he secretly harbored it. He had to ask me if he could just put his arm around me. Stuff like that. Which didn't stem from a lack of sexual experience, but from a lack of communication experience within the context of interacting with the opposite sex at any level.

 

[Mad Jack]

Honestly I sometimes masturbate more than once a day. I honestly cannot fathom not masturbating.

Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this but the idea of losing it in a one night stand seems like a waste. I want to lose it to a girlfriend. But as I can see it seems that women will worry about becoming a stage 5 clinger as you all put it.



Of course. I'm not telling women right off the bat or putting it in my dating profile. It's an extremely personal thing that I wouldn't share with a woman unless I know we're going somewhere. I haven't even told any of my friends.

Eh, if it's any consolation, I actually knew a guy that we found out was a virgin at 21 or 22. I know, way younger than you. He'd been holding out for the right girl, and sure enough, he found her- 9/10 looks, razor sharp wit, common interests, working on her PhD. And she was totally okay with him and they basically lived happily ever after. It can happen, just be confident and sociable (he was always so cool and interesting and fun, everyone couldn't even believe he was a virgin when we found out).

 

[NeedToStudy]

In a sexual situation, it is totally normal for a virgin to be anxious. What I was referring to the guy being anxious in every aspect of the relationship, even platonic. He would never express any opinion contrary to mine even if I knew he secretly harbored it. He had to ask me if he could just put his arm around me. Stuff like that. Which didn't stem from a lack of sexual experience, but from a lack of communication experience within the context of interacting with the opposite sex at any level.

Jesus... this is actually partially true for me as well. I don't mind giving a opinion about where to eat or what movies I like for ex. but I probably would ask before kissing a woman or putting my arm around her. I haven't kissed a woman either btw although I have put my arm around a few. The most physical contact I've had with a woman has been dancing with a few at a party a few years back.

Eh, if it's any consolation, I actually knew a guy that we found out was a virgin at 21 or 22. I know, way younger than you. He'd been holding out for the right girl, and sure enough, he found her- 9/10 looks, razor sharp wit, common interests, working on her PhD. And she was totally okay with him and they basically lived happily ever after. It can happen, just be confident and sociable (he was always so cool and interesting and fun, everyone couldn't even believe he was a virgin when we found out).

How did you find out? I myself have never shared this information with any of my friends so I'm surprised you know about it.

 

[NeedToStudy]

BTW I'm sorry for hijacking the thread. The original topic was whether women cared more their partners sexual past then men. I ended up hijacking it with my virginity questions. I'll start a separate thread if I want to discuss this further. You guys can get back to the original topic.

To answer the original question from my experience observing other people's relationships women are more forgiving than men about things including sexual history. They generally don't even want to know. I could be wrong of course but that's what I've noticed.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Jesus... this is actually partially true for me as well. I don't mind giving a opinion about where to eat or what movies I like for ex. but I probably would ask before kissing a woman or putting my arm around her. I haven't kissed a woman either btw although I have put my around a few. The most physical contact I've had with a woman has been dancing with a few at a party a few years back.

Well, I'd say with a first kiss or something, it isn't necessarily a bad thing to verbally ask. Some people find it romantic. And for sex, asking is always a good thing if you are unsure of the other person's comfort level. But for basic human contact like holding hands or sitting close on the couch with a romantic partner...no, you don't have to ask permission for every little thing. It makes everything very awkward and start-stop instead of relaxing and fluid. Even months after we had become intimate he would still ask and be hesitant about everything. It was a big turn off. I mean, I don't need a big lumberjack throwing me down on the bed, but I need a partner who has at least an inkling of confidence.

I don't think lack of experience being physically close to women is the main issue - like I said, I had no issue with his virginity or lack of female physical contact. The issue is when people who are holding out in that way also hold out in a lot of other other social ways that are necessary for proper development, especially with the opposite sex, because they are afraid of being put in a difficult situation (which, let's face it, we all deal with in life). E.g. do you have female friends? Can you interact comfortably with them? What about your social life in general? Those are the areas you need to nurture first.

 

[touchpause13]

WTF is Killin it in here with the advice. Well done

 

[SkipJunior]

Jesus... this is actually partially true for me as well. I don't mind giving a opinion about where to eat or what movies I like for ex. but I probably would ask before kissing a woman or putting my arm around her. I haven't kissed a woman either btw although I have put my around a few. The most physical contact I've had with a woman has been dancing with a few at a party a few years back.

The advice I always give to shy introverted men is this, embody the confidence of a God. Even if you don't naturally have it, fake it.

Women love a confident man. Nothing more attractive than a confident man who is secure about himself. So if you're dating a woman and want to give her a kiss or a hug or put your arms around her while watching a movie, do it. Have that confidence. If she doesn't like it, she will let you know and you stop then.

So many good looking guys who are shy and reticent are passed over by the confident cocky guys. Women want to know that you're strong, that you can protect them. They don't like shy timid men.

 

[NeedToStudy]

The advice I always give to shy introverted men is this, embody the confidence of a God. Even if you don't naturally have it, fake it.

The thing about this though is that whenever a shy guy tries to behave like a confident guy he usually starts to behave like a douchebag which usually attracts the wrong type of woman making him more bitter about women than he was before. That's why I think the best way to get confidence is to set some goals for yourself and then achieve them. Losing weight, getting better at sports, whatever. When you achieve your goals then you will automatically become more confident.

 

[SkipJunior]

The thing about this though is that whenever a shy guy tries to behave like a confident guy he usually starts to behave like a douchebag which usually attracts the wrong type of woman making him more bitter about women than he was before. That's why I think the best way to get confidence is to set some goals for yourself and then achieve them. Losing weight, getting better at sports, whatever. When you achieve your goals then you will automatically become more confident.

Good idea. I will also say this, don't let the fear of rejection paralyze you. The world is full of beautiful nice friendly women, all of whom can be your potential girlfriend. So if a woman rejects you, just move on and find someone else. That simple.

 

[NeedToStudy]

Good idea. I will also say this, don't let the fear of rejection paralyze you. The world is full of beautiful nice friendly women, all of whom can be your potential girlfriend. So if a woman rejects you, just move on and find someone else. That simple.

Yea I get it. I've been rejected a few times. The irony is is that they were still friendly with me afterwards which I found strange. I'd rather just avoid them for a while after the rejection.

 

[touchpause13]

Yea I get it. I've been rejected a few times. The irony is is that they were still friendly with me afterwards which I found strange. I'd rather just avoid them for a while after the rejection.

Just because someone doesn't want to be with you in a sexual manner doesn't mean they hate you or never want to interact with you again

 

[NeedToStudy]

Just because someone doesn't want to be with you in a sexual manner doesn't mean they hate you or never want to interact with you again

Of course but I mean... it's still kind of awkward. "I wanted to bone you and you said no and now we're supposed to talk about the weather?"

 

[touchpause13]

Of course but I mean... it's still kind of awkward. "I wanted to bone you and you said no and now we're supposed to talk about the weather?"

Oh yeah it is totally awkward, being friendly is just a way that they are probably trying to defuse the awkwardness.

 

[WildZoo]

Good idea. I will also say this, don't let the fear of rejection paralyze you. The world is full of beautiful nice friendly women, all of whom can be your potential girlfriend. So if a woman rejects you, just move on and find someone else. That simple.

Fertile wombs, am I right?

 

[touchpause13]

Fertile wombs, am I right?

Ugh.
I'd rather not think about fertile anything
yuck

 

[VenusinFurs]

My perception of my sexual past is that it has given me more of an idea of what I like, more of an ability to not put up with bull**** and people who treat me badly, and more of an ability to communicate. I am not perfect on these fronts, but I have improved greatly because of being a slutbag.

 

[mercaptovizadeh]

NeedToStudy:

The virginity thing won't be an issue if you find a fellow virgin and both stay virgins until marriage. None of the crazy clinginess because it's young love unspoilt, both entering the marriage state from the same footing.

Going as a male virgin with a sexually experienced female can be....awkward, I would think. You'll be full of insecurity about how you compare, awkward because you haven't dated much, etc. Much better to go with an equally awkward girl and then you can both stumble about through the dating process into marriage without the asymmetry.

 

[NeedToStudy]

NeedToStudy:

The virginity thing won't be an issue if you find a fellow virgin and both stay virgins until marriage. None of the crazy clinginess because it's young love unspoilt, both entering the marriage state from the same footing.

Going as a male virgin with a sexually experienced female can be....awkward, I would think. You'll be full of insecurity about how you compare, awkward because you haven't dated much, etc. Much better to go with an equally awkward girl and then you can both stumble about through the dating process into marriage without the asymmetry.

Well I could have a virgin girl if I let my parents pick my spouse but I have no interest in that route. I want to date. Honestly the best thing is probably silence. Virginity can't be an issue if nobody knows about it.

 

[Mad Jack]

How did you find out? I myself have never shared this information with any of my friends so I'm surprised you know about it.

He got really drunk one night and told a few of us. We were trying to get him laid, since he didn't seem like he'd been having much luck, despite all his charm. He told us that hooking up wasn't something that he wanted and we shouldn't bother, that he was a virgin and was holding out for "the one."

 

[Mad Jack]

Yea I get it. I've been rejected a few times. The irony is is that they were still friendly with me afterwards which I found strange. I'd rather just avoid them for a while after the rejection.

Not giving a **** is critically important, for the record. Your awkwardness largely stems from your fear of rejection, which is kind of a pointless fear to have at the end of the day, because the only real consequence of rejection in a society as large and anonymous as ours is that you have to find a different person to flirt with. Such deep-seated fears are an evolutionary holdover from the days in which rejection would doom you to humiliation before the entire tribe, which could have devastating consequences, as potential mates were few and far between. Nowadays, that's not so much the case.

 

[WildZoo]

Not giving a **** is critically important, for the record. Your awkwardness largely stems from your fear of rejection, which is kind of a pointless fear to have at the end of the day, because the only real consequence of rejection in a society as large and anonymous as ours is that you have to find a different person to flirt with. Such deep-seated fears are an evolutionary holdover from the days in which rejection would doom you to humiliation before the entire tribe, which could have devastating consequences, as potential mates were few and far between. Nowadays, that's not so much the case.

Remember the mantra everyone: Don't be afraid of rejection. Plenty of [adjective] [noun]s out there with [adjective] [noun]s.

 

[VenusinFurs]

but are all of them into [verb]?

 

[WildZoo]

but are all of them into [verb]?

Actually it would be [gerund] or [noun]

 

[NeedToStudy]

Not giving a **** is critically important, for the record. Your awkwardness largely stems from your fear of rejection, which is kind of a pointless fear to have at the end of the day, because the only real consequence of rejection in a society as large and anonymous as ours is that you have to find a different person to flirt with. Such deep-seated fears are an evolutionary holdover from the days in which rejection would doom you to humiliation before the entire tribe, which could have devastating consequences, as potential mates were few and far between. Nowadays, that's not so much the case.

Well there is also a fear of being alone forever. After a certain age everybody starts to get married and settle down. Social opportunities and hence dating opportunities start to dwindle. If you start getting rejected frequently there is a chance that you may never be able to get married or find love. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I'm at the age where single people are decreasing rapidly and yeah it is demoralizing having the experience of a pre teen boy.

 

[VenusinFurs]

Actually it would be [gerund] or [noun]

Oh god, of course. I should really give back that grammar award I won in the ninth grade. I'm terrible at it now. I barely even English.

 

[touchpause13]

Well there is also a fear of being alone forever. After a certain age everybody starts to get married and settle down. Social opportunities and hence dating opportunities start to dwindle. If you start getting rejected frequently there is a chance that you may never be able to get married or find love. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I'm at the age where single people are decreasing rapidly and yeah it is demoralizing having the experience of a pre teen boy.

I feel like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
Maybe instead of thinking - I need to find a wife, try to focus on more immediate goals that you can control - I want to go on a date with a new person this month.

 

[deleted480308]

Well there is also a fear of being alone forever. After a certain age everybody starts to get married and settle down. Social opportunities and hence dating opportunities start to dwindle. If you start getting rejected frequently there is a chance that you may never be able to get married or find love. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I'm at the age where single people are decreasing rapidly and yeah it is demoralizing having the experience of a pre teen boy.

There are always single people available to talk to, the number of single people in your peer group drops hard in the 20s/30s but they are always there. But remember to be realistic about your peer group. You still have good chances of finding a kind and intelligent woman your age and your realm of physical attractiveness. You grow out of having chances with the college gymnasts of your middle school dreams.

But you are setting the bar wrong for goals right now. Try finding a nice woman you enjoy talking to...don't start with trying to find sex.