Should both spouses work? Marrying an EP

[DJD88]

I'm dating an female EM physician and we're beginning to talk about our future and marriage. She's been an attending for a few years and has all her loans paid off. She recently took a job that required less hours a month for less money since she had been burning out at her old job. She still makes more than enough to support a family on her own, however I worry about her becoming burned out again. I also worry about her missing out children's birthdays and holidays, etc.

I'm currently in an IT masters program and when I graduate I should be able to find a job making about half as much as she is working full time allowing her to cut her shifts in half while we will still have a comfortable living, hopefully allowing her to work less weekends/holidays/fewer night to day transitions. I'm wondering if anyone else here has an arrangement like this? She's already mentioned that the people who have the easiest times at work are the ones with stay at home spouses. This would also allow for more time to spend on vacations and possibly together since full time she'd work fewer hours than I would with more vacation time (of course her hours are much more stressful and less family friendly).

I also worry about my career becoming demanding and not leaving as much time for family as I try to climb the corporate ladder. This would put more pressure on her at home and could potentially cause me to miss out on family activities. On the other hand she can enough to support a family while working less hours than me so would it make more sense for me to stay at home and have her work full time? Would that lead her to resent me for being a 'freeloader'?

I also worry about the future of medicine, she's already saying the system is broken and hopefully it won't get worse. I also worry about reimbursements being cut and physician salaries being cut with it, in that case she'd probably up her hours to keep our lifestyle consistent possibly stressing her out. If I'm working any my salary keeps going up this probably wouldn't be as much of an issue. I realize that no one can predict the future but does anyone have an opinion on this?

Sorry for long post, but my head is swimming with what might work best for us. I'm looking for some perspective on how others handle both spouses working, the man staying at home, or having a demanding career while the wife works EP shifts.

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[EParker37]

My best advice is to sit down and talk to her about it. Open and honest communication will go a long way in maintaining a relationship. My fiancee is working on her masters while I study constantly for the MCAT and my other classes, along with work full time. We talk constantly and always make sure we are on the same wavelength, and even when things get tough, we work it out together. Seriously, talk to her about your concerns, it will go a long way.

 

[j4pac]

I had "the talk" years ago with my wife. I was a 2nd year medical student and she was a pre-med with two acceptance letters in hand. We both wanted children. I was in the military and we both knew that it was going to be very difficult for her to follow me to internship while she was still medical student.

We both came to the conclusion that we were both willing to make the sacrifices to make it work. She took one of the med school acceptance letters.

She was able to do a rotation in the town I did my internship for two months. She was able to be about 4 hours away for about 6 months. The other 4 months we didn't see one another.

After internship I became a GMO/FS and she fortunately was able to perform all but two 4th year med school rotations where I was stationed.

She then was able to land a residency in the town that I am stationed. Praise God.

Thrown in a couple of kids along the way.

Two years from now I will be going back and completing a 3-year residency, while she is an attending. Of course she will need to travel to wherever I get accepted (if I match).

If we could do it...then you could do it. The key is having incredibly clear expectations from the very beginning. Also, you need to be marrying someone who is incredibly selfless and flexible. My wife and I both work...but both of us would give it up at any time if that is what was required for our family. That is going to be the toughest part. If you or your wife are unwilling to sacrifice your profession for your family...your relationship likely won't last.

Set yourself a 5-year plan and 10-year plan. You absolutely need to know where you are going, try to anticipate the potential pit-falls along the way, and a remedy for each. If you want children, it absolutely has to be set in stone what your expectations are. This is a HUGE issue for professionals. The truth is that it is never a good time to have children...but one of the two partners have a hard time letting the sink it...and the other partner gets resentful.