Dear Mid-Atlantic of these United States of America.
I think we all knew it could happen. Every year when you pack up your well tanned family and head back home from our tiny piece of paradise, you look back and see us raking up our leaves and putting our snow shovels by the door. You always sigh, knowing that we will be dealing with winter in a far different way than you will.
With lobster traps on your roof and pine cones in your carry ons, you think of us with with warm memories of fantastic sunsets, thick accents and great clam chowder. You talk to the family about coming back next year and enjoying all that Maine has to offer.
Down deep, you feel sorry for us. You know that we will be moving snowbanks, raking our roof, smashing ice dams off the shingles and stoking the wood stove with the dollar bills that you left behind.
Listen, this storm is going to miss us. This is not typical and we want to share a little advice of how to make it through an epic "snow event" unscathed. We want you to come back next year. Here are a few tips.
1. Don't panic. It's just frozen rain. It does go away so don't try to move too much at one time.
2. Don't shovel too early and don't wait too long. Pace yourself. Go out every few hours and move a little at a time. It can hurt your back, arms and legs. You always wonder why we all walk funny. It is not because of the clam chowder.
3. Heart attacks in big snow storms are rather common. Help out your neighbor who is older, out of shape or that has known health problems. Helping them move some snow (better yet, let your offspring do it) is better than calling EMS while you are doing CPR. Seriously.
4. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT buy all the bread on the shelves. As a lifelong Mainer, I recommend cereal. No better reason has ever been invented to eat Golden Crisp, Honeycomb or Captain Crunch (don't get the peanut butter flavored. That stuff sucks). You will need milk and of course a bowl and spoon. You probably already have that in the house. I have lived for several weeks on only Rice Crispies and Snickers.
5. Get some batteries and flashlights that work. Nothing is worse than going through the junk drawer and finding only 1 D battery when you need two. LED flashlights are awesome, cheap and last and last. You might need one to find the cereal.
6. Charge your Cellphone. If you have a generator, you need gas. You look stupid trying to start a generator with no gas in it. Don't ask me how I know. Do not run the generator inside a basement or garage. Yes, people do that. Usually only one time.
7. Toilets flush without electricity. If you fill your tub with water, you can use it for all kinds of things, including flushing the toilet. Also, to wash cereal bowls.
8. Fill your car up with gas. If you get stuck somewhere and have to run the car, make sure you clean out around the tail pipe and do not fall asleep with the car running. We need you to come back next summer to buy more lobster and lobster traps. Pine cones are free.
Most of all, take care of each other. Be nice and invite neighbors to hole up at one location. Hide expensive things, but help them. (that's the cop talking).
You will be fine. We drink lots of coffee and complain when we get hit like this storm. It works ok. It makes us grouchy but that's why you come here in the summer. To hear stories from grumpy Mainers who sell lobster traps. Now, you will have some of your own to share with us when you get back.
Be safe and well and if you have any Cap'n Crunch left after the storm. It keeps very well. Bring it up this summer.
- which means another month to actually start memorizing useless vocab. Which I will get to sometime soon. Maybe.
