Stay at Home Moms/Dads

[rph3664]

NAMOR, your parents' issues sound more like issues within that marriage than just the fact that your mom was a SAHP. Am I correct that your father was dishonest in other areas of his life?

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[namormckenzie]

NAMOR, your parents' issues sound more like issues within that marriage than just the fact that your mom was a SAHP. Am I correct that your father was dishonest in other areas of his life?

Yup. Everything came out after he passed away. I definitely think being a sahp is a viable option for anyone with a very open and honest relationship with their partner, but you need to be vigilant about saving, finances, everything. Haha I didn't mean to unload like that, whoops sorry y'all.

 

[rph3664]

Yup. Everything came out after he passed away. I definitely think being a sahp is a viable option for anyone with a very open and honest relationship with their partner, but you need to be vigilant about saving, finances, everything. Haha I didn't mean to unload like that, whoops sorry y'all.

Many years ago, I worked with a man who was always bragging that his wife was going to be in for a very big surprise when he died (and no, it didn't occur to him that she could die first) regarding IRS fraud, etc. I didn't know at the time that I could get a reward for turning him in, if he was telling the truth. She was NOT a SAHM, either.

BTK (Dennis Rader) had a big archive stashed away to be discovered after his death, in the unlikely event that he wasn't arrested first. However, it was in the process of creating this archive that he got caught.

When I was in college, I worked with several guys who were always talking about how they planned to get married with the intention of treating their wives poorly after the kids arrived, so he would be a divorced dad (i.e. all the fun and no responsibility beyond maybe writing a check once in a while). One of them said that his family had to live briefly in a homeless shelter after his dad left; I asked him "Why would you want to do that to your own kids?" and he replied, "Dad had a 17-year-old girlfriend." Mmmmmmmkay.....

 

[npage148]

I can't believe I agree with old timer but OMG, the idea you can't live comfortably off 120+k a year is completely laughable and diluded. Just about all of middle America makes less and makes it work fine.

My wife is a sahm and I'm completely fine with it. She tired working after our son was born but hated it and walked away From a 70k product manager Job. The stress of the job, paying for daycare and only seeing him 1 hour in the morning and 2 hours in the evening and seeing me even less made the decision easy once we figured our lifestyle would remain fine. Trust me, we don't skimp that much. Nice house in a good place, 2 cars (albeit a 10yo Subaru and base Ford Escape) and having some fun trips a couple times a year. She says what she dislikes most is that she doesn't get a break from him the days I work and get home a 9:30

 

[rph3664]

I can't believe I agree with old timer but OMG, the idea you can't live comfortably off 120+k a year is completely laughable and diluded. Just about all of middle America makes less and makes it work fine.

My wife is a sahm and I'm completely fine with it. She tired working after our son was born but hated it and walked away From a 70k product manager Job. The stress of the job, paying for daycare and only seeing him 1 hour in the morning and 2 hours in the evening and seeing me even less made the decision easy once we figured our lifestyle would remain fine. Trust me, we don't skimp that much. Nice house in a good place, 2 cars (albeit a 10yo Subaru and base Ford Escape) and having some fun trips a couple times a year. She says what she dislikes most is that she doesn't get a break from him the days I work and get home a 9:30

That's one advantage of having a higher income. Would it be something she could do part-time if she decides to go back to work?

 

[Deja]

Yes you did. Your entire concern in the original post was about having enough money. The idea that it's a struggle to raise a family on 120K per year is laughable. Not one mention in your original post had anything to do with anything except money. I could care less what you do. If you think day care is the same as mom care, you are deceiving yourself. You undervalue what a difficult JOB itis to be a primary care giver of an infant or toddler. Time once lost can never be reclaimed.
It is factually and morally incorrect to say a SAHM OR SAHD does not work. The correct statement is they do not work outside the home.

it's not laughable, OP mentioned they may live in west coast.... I live in SF, no way in hell you can support a family with 120k and live comfortably and save enough for retirement, a one bedroom in the city cost 3k or more, thats half of your monthly salary gone right there from rent alone....its doable but QOL will drop off significantly, such as living in a less desirable area and cut cost and no vacations; do they want to make that big of sacrafice? don't act like money is not a big concern in marriage and all you need is love

and as another poster commented, you grew up in a different time, things are changing

 

[npage148]

Don't live in sf, nyc, Vancouver or any of the insane cities. You can't say the 130k/year won't work when you are literally living in the most expensive place in the U.S.

Would it be something she could do part-time if she decides to go back to work?

Eh, not really its a 50h/week job with a fair bit of travel and it was a whole product line she managed. She plans on going to work at least part time once he hits elementary school. Like part time library aid or something else light/fun. Mostly to get of the house.

 

[Deja]

Don't live in sf, nyc, Vancouver or any of the insane cities. You can't say the 130k/year won't work when you are literally living in the most expensive place in the U.S.



Eh, not really its a 50h/week job with a fair bit of travel and it was a whole product line she managed. She plans on going to work at least part time once he hits elementary school. Like part time library aid or something else light/fun. Mostly to get of the house.

you know, i often see people posting here saying don't live in sf or nyc and such, but it's a little silly, so people who grew up in sf or wants to live here doesn't have the right to get married? the op is asking if it will be doable and not asking if he should pack up everything and move

 

[confettiflyer]

it's not laughable, OP mentioned they may live in west coast.... I live in SF, no way in hell you can support a family with 120k and live comfortably and save enough for retirement, a one bedroom in the city cost 3k or more, thats half of your monthly salary gone right there from rent alone....its doable but QOL will drop off significantly, such as living in a less desirable area and cut cost and no vacations; do they want to make that big of sacrafice? don't act like money is not a big concern in marriage and all you need is love

and as another poster commented, you grew up in a different time, things are changing

That's the choice we make, living in cities like SF. We know this going in, though. You give up financial security for living in one of the most interesting places on earth. Some people want that, some people recoil.


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[confettiflyer]

you know, i often see people posting here saying don't live in sf or nyc and such, but it's a little silly, so people who grew up in sf or wants to live here doesn't have the right to get married? the op is asking if it will be doable and not asking if he should pack up everything and move

Growing up in a particular city does not entitle you to being able to live in that city later in life.

It doesn't you to anything. If you can't afford it, move on....or get a job that lets you afford it, or cut your expectations and move to the TL.


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[Deja]

Growing up in a particular city does not entitle you to being able to live in that city later in life.

It doesn't you to anything. If you can't afford it, move on....or get a job that lets you afford it, or cut your expectations and move to the TL.


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OMG you guys don't get it, it doesn't mean you are not entitled to live here, it just means that you can't have a stay home parent!

 

[Shazzy1228]

I'm currently a SAHM, but I'm going back to school in August. I hate it. I know a lot of women love staying at home and keeping the house and spending all day with their littles, but it's not for everyone. I'm counting the days until I start school again.
My mom was a SAHM until my father passed away two years ago. My dad was a family med doc, and we had a great lifestyle until he died. After he died, our house was foreclosed on and my mom is working at a call center because it's the only job she could find after almost 30 years of being a house spouse.
Now this is definitely my dad's fault. He didn't have life insurance (surprise!) and he hid a lot of money problems from my mom. He also bailed out my alcoholic brother from a tough spot and lent him about 80K. My mom has said that she doesn't regret staying home with us and she truly loved being home all the time.
If you are honest with your partner and save appropriately, it shouldn't be an issue.
Being a SAHM is really isolating and lonely. Before I had my child, I was working in the hospitality industry and making great money. Going from two incomes to one is a huge adjustment. If your partner truly wants to stay at home, you will have the means to do it as a pharmacist. Your lifestyle won't be the same as your coworkers, but that's a sacrifice you both need to be comfortable with.

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The pharmacy I worked at had a pharmacy cashier who previously stayed at home. Yea it was all she could find at the time too. Straight from graduating college she got married and stayed home(I'm still astonished that anyone would do that. What was the point of going to school then??). She never had an actual job before.
Husband passed and now she needed one, but no one would hire her with no work history.
Please be careful boys and girls. You never know what twists and turns life will hit you with. Never make decisions that leave you with few options. You will regret it.

 

[Shazzy1228]

it's not laughable, OP mentioned they may live in west coast.... I live in SF, no way in hell you can support a family with 120k and live comfortably and save enough for retirement, a one bedroom in the city cost 3k or more, thats half of your monthly salary gone right there from rent alone....its doable but QOL will drop off significantly, such as living in a less desirable area and cut cost and no vacations; do they want to make that big of sacrafice? don't act like money is not a big concern in marriage and all you need is love

and as another poster commented, you grew up in a different time, things are changing

3k?? Dare I ask the average price range for a modest home? Maybe a million? How does anyone survive over there?? Somebody verify this please...that's madness. That means a schoolteacher may not be able to live in your city. They don't make enough.Ridiculous
Must be really nice in SF I guess. Can't see myself paying that much for a hole in the wall.

 

[namormckenzie]

The pharmacy I worked at had a pharmacy cashier who previously stayed at home. Yea it was all she could find at the time too. Straight from graduating college she got married and stayed home(I'm still astonished that anyone would do that. What was the point of going to school then??). She never had an actual job before.
Husband passed and now she needed one, but no one would hire her with no work history.
Please be careful boys and girls. You never know what twists and turns life will hit you with. Never make decisions that leave you with few options. You will regret it.

Most of my "mommy friends" I've met through playgroups think it's insane that I want to go back to school and work outside of home. Stories like the pharmacy cashier and my mom's aren't rarities! If you aren't able to save a decent percent of your checks each month, it is a risk having one person not making any financial contributions.

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[Deja]

3k?? Dare I ask the average price range for a modest home? Maybe a million? How does anyone survive over there?? Somebody verify this please...that's madness. That means a schoolteacher may not be able to live in your city. They don't make enough.Ridiculous
Must be really nice in SF I guess. Can't see myself paying that much for a hole in the wall.

yeah i was shocked as well when I first moved here, it's not because sf is soooo nice, it's more because there are alot of tech industry people here jacking up the prices lol it's not uncommon to have 3 or 4 ppl living in a 2 bedroom apt here or renting a in-law garage as a studio apt

 

[Old Timer]

Most of my "mommy friends" I've met through playgroups think it's insane that I want to go back to school and work outside of home. Stories like the pharmacy cashier and my mom's aren't rarities! If you aren't able to save a decent percent of your checks each month, it is a risk having one person not making any financial contributions.

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Every decision in life has a cost. You weigh the costs and decide the best course of action for yourself. However, you can always make more money, but time once lost can never be regained. That time you spend with your children is priceless. When I was raising my kids they were not permitted to go out on Friday nights (the Jewish Sabbath). It was family time. There was some grumbling and some fights. I asked my youngest now 27 if she regrets the missed school and friend activities and she admitted, she didn't. The family time was priceless. Your mileage may vary.

Every family will have to make their own decisions about what is important to them. I don't look down at two wage earner families. I don't think you are bad parents for working. I don't think a SAHM is a gold digger. I also think that a SAHM or Dad for that matter does work, just not outside the home.

 

[Shazzy1228]

yeah i was shocked as well when I first moved here, it's not because sf is soooo nice, it's more because there are alot of tech industry people here jacking up the prices lol it's not uncommon to have 3 or 4 ppl living in a 2 bedroom apt here or renting a in-law garage as a studio apt

goodness.... i'm assuming google and twitter pay far more than 120k then or else the techies won't be able to afford either. So the lady in this video's plight is common then??I have heard rumors of how bad the housing had gotten up there, but didn't believe it.

 

[PharmtoCS]

Pretty much sums up why I keep pushing pre-pharms to switch to computer science. Techies currently have one of the best job markets and can earn pharmacist salaries or more without the $200k+ loans and 4 additional years of schooling.

$25k/year in student loan payments leaves you with roughly $50k take home pay after California taxes. To take home the same amount with no student debt, you would need to earn $75k/year gross.

 

[Shazzy1228]

Pretty much sums up why I keep pushing pre-pharms to switch to computer science. Techies currently have one of the best job markets and can earn pharmacist salaries or more without the $200k+ loans and 4 additional years of schooling.

$25k/year in student loan payments leaves you with roughly $50k take home pay after California taxes. To take home the same amount with no student debt, you would need to earn $75k/year gross.

Do you know anyone who has gone through a coding bootcamp? I'm considering it for myself. Yes the techies are having all the luck. Comcast has their headquarters in my city now and we have a plethora of tech startups(although I have to say most of these startups don't seem scalable sorry). In my city right now, even the basic software engineer finds work quickly and makes good money. I know of only one who went through a coding academy for 6 months. He was able to find work, but I'm still skeptical.
Need some answers.

 

[rph3664]

My sister lives in San Diego; she's single and childless and has an ever-changing menagerie of rescue animals. She lives in a small cottage (not really a Tiny House) and IDK what she pays in rent, but I'm sure it's a lot. However, she loves living there and it's worth it to her. She does know she wouldn't want to live there if she had kids, for this and a lot of other reasons.

I recently saw a real estate listing for a 2BR house in Palo Alto, somewhat dilapidated on a postage-stamp yard. The asking price: $1,400,000.

 

[Shazzy1228]

My sister lives in San Diego; she's single and childless and has an ever-changing menagerie of rescue animals. She lives in a small cottage (not really a Tiny House) and IDK what she pays in rent, but I'm sure it's a lot. However, she loves living there and it's worth it to her. She does know she wouldn't want to live there if she had kids, for this and a lot of other reasons.

I recently saw a real estate listing for a 2BR house in Palo Alto, somewhat dilapidated on a postage-stamp yard. The asking price: $1,400,000.

2br and dilapidated...1.4 million. No way in hell would I pay for that crap. Guess I'm not moving to Cali anytime soon. I need bang for my buck. Paying all the cash for what??? F*** that. Makes no sense at all...like a lot of things at SDN.
Now back to OP....what did you finally decide to do man?? Better watch yourself if you put a ring on that finger.

 

[confettiflyer]

You guys know California is a rather large state with a lot of different real estate and labor markets, right?

Oh well, whatever keeps people out....


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[Shazzy1228]

You guys know California is a rather large state with a lot of different real estate and labor markets, right?

Oh well, whatever keeps people out....


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I am very aware of that. But guess what? Cali as a whole is an expensive state. Maybe you can explain why former Californians keep flooding the state of Texas? Texan homes, on average, are way cheaper than homes in Cali. If you can show me an area in Cali where I can get bang for my buck, I'll be on the next flight.

 

[emergentmd]

Hey Everyone, I appreciate all your input!

Currently, she is doing a part time finance/accounting position doing a similar job where she can work from home one or two days a week and she is loving it. She’s currently making ~45k per year and is very open to doing the same type of work from home with kids.

I’ve always envisioned myself marrying another pharmacist or healthcare provider, especially since two pharmacy incomes would really mean that you'd be able to live comfortably, save up for your retirement and help pay for your kids college (in a public university, I'm not made of money here =)

but I think we might be able to stretch it & provide for a solid 4 person family with a combined income of ~160k or 120k after taxes as we’ll most likely be living in a higher COL area, probably northeast or west coast. Ideally if she can keep one toe in the workforce while still raising kids and go back to work after the kids are in kindergarten, that would be great.

Frankly, I am having some doubts about SAHM this as neither of my parents were stay at home parents and worked hard as a family unit to provide for me. I have to give this some more thought and see if I’m OK with a stay at home parent arrangement.

It's great to hear input from y'all, definitely reading all your responses.

Dude, everyone's life is different with different relationships. There is nothing right about SAHM or working Moms. It all depends on what you want out of your life and family. Everything in life is about sacrifices and you have to make decisions what best fits you. Everyone is giving you the Cons about SAHM, but my wife is a SAHM (Albeit, I am in a completely different situation financially). Before kids, she was pulling in 80K/yr which is about 4k/mo take home. We have 3 kids and full time daycare would be atleast 1k/mo. So assuming two in daycare, you have to decide if 2k/mo is worth it.

Having someone always at home who can go to all of their activities really helps with the stress level with house chores.

I am a firm believer in a SAHM (That was something we talked about). Having a full time Spouse, who comes home stressed out and has to deal with all the activities and school work leaves very little time for you. Is having less quality time with your spouse and family worth 2k a month?

BTW, my daughter had an event that I could not make today b/c of work. I go to most, but can't all. My wife can go to all events, and this is just a sliver of a SAHM can provide.

Also, Staying home with the kids is fun for about 1-2 dys (atleast for me). It really is two full time jobs atleast until they go to school.

 

[Pharmd = Phake Doctor]

Dude, everyone's life is different with different relationships. There is nothing right about SAHM or working Moms. It all depends on what you want out of your life and family. Everything in life is about sacrifices and you have to make decisions what best fits you. Everyone is giving you the Cons about SAHM, but my wife is a SAHM (Albeit, I am in a completely different situation financially). Before kids, she was pulling in 80K/yr which is about 4k/mo take home. We have 3 kids and full time daycare would be atleast 1k/mo. So assuming two in daycare, you have to decide if 2k/mo is worth it.

Having someone always at home who can go to all of their activities really helps with the stress level with house chores.

I am a firm believer in a SAHM (That was something we talked about). Having a full time Spouse, who comes home stressed out and has to deal with all the activities and school work leaves very little time for you. Is having less quality time with your spouse and family worth 2k a month?

BTW, my daughter had an event that I could not make today b/c of work. I go to most, but can't all. My wife can go to all events, and this is just a sliver of a SAHM can provide.

Also, Staying home with the kids is fun for about 1-2 dys (atleast for me). It really is two full time jobs atleast until they go to school.

Ummmmm, don't EM docs make around 300K starting? I just read a post you made recently. You claim to make 400-500k/year. That is four to five times the average salary of a pharmacist. Your wife's 80K pay is around the lower end of FT pharmacist pay. I can understand why you're okay with her being a SAHM, but not everyone has the financial luxury to do so.

It was nice of you to come down from Mount Olympus to scold us about this matter, but most of us Plebeians need a second breadwinner to raise a family.

 

[Pharmd = Phake Doctor]

I had a partner who moved from San Fran area 10 yrs ago. He prob made 200-250k/yr, and all he had to show for it was a rental home and barely putting a dent in his loans. Moved to Texas and now he has 3 properties. No way he would have that in cali. 200k after taxes leaves very little to build equity.

I am in my early 40's, been doing EM fof 15 yrs. I have no debt other than my homes/rentals. My 3 kids college education is close to being paid for and they still have 10 yrs until the first even steps foot in college. I have 7 rentals plus my homestead but all still have mortgages. I have over 1 mil in retirement. I would put my net worth right at 2mil. But overall I feel I am still behind. When I first started, I hoped to be a 5mil at 40, and ready to retire. I attribute this to what I would consider living a high end lifestyle (new cars, expensive vacations) and risky investments. But again, I do not feel rich or even close to retiring.

I could not imagine living in Cali and having very little to my name after 15 yrs. I have been to Cali multiple times and see the positives that draws people there. But like a fine steak, even the great beaches or nightlife gets old after going there 10 times. I live in my house or go to work probably 80% of my life. Even if the other 20% is great, I am still going home to a 800K home that is 1500 sq feet and outdate. In Texas, My home is worth alittle over 1 Mil, but it was brand new when I moved in. I have over 5k sq feet with a movie theater, work out room, pool, Game room, huge kitchen, large back yard, outdoor kitchen, 3 car garage, with a beautiful view. Even if I loved Cali, I am still spending over 50% of my life in my overpriced small/outdated home.

Damn. Talk about money.

But I agree with you on the absurdity of living in California.

 

[emergentmd]

Ummmmm, don't EM docs make around 300K starting? I just read a post you made recently. You claim to make 400-500k/year. That is four to five times the average salary of a pharmacist. Your wife's 80K pay is around the lower end of FT pharmacist pay. I can understand why you're okay with her being a SAHM, but not everyone has the financial luxury to do so.

It was nice of you to come down from Mount Olympus to scold us about this matter, but most of us Plebeians need a second breadwinner to raise a family.

As I stated in my post, I am in a different financial situation. But my stance is no different and making 100K living in Texas is enough for a good Middle class life. With kids in Day care and each at 1k/mo, the math starts to not make sense working if your spouse is only taking home 4K a month.

 

[TheBlaah]

Ummmmm, don't EM docs make around 300K starting? I just read a post you made recently. You claim to make 400-500k/year. That is four to five times the average salary of a pharmacist. Your wife's 80K pay is around the lower end of FT pharmacist pay. I can understand why you're okay with her being a SAHM, but not everyone has the financial luxury to do so.

It was nice of you to come down from Mount Olympus to scold us about this matter, but most of us Plebeians need a second breadwinner to raise a family.

Considering the average household income is ~50k, I'm sure a pharmacist can manage being the lone breadwinner. It just requires lowering your standard of living. I agree that a spouse should probably do something to contribute in her free time (when the children go to school or w/e), but it's still manageable otherwise.

 

[DokterMom]

I can't believe I agree with old timer but OMG, the idea you can't live comfortably off 120+k a year is completely laughable and diluded. Just about all of middle America makes less and makes it work fine.

My wife is a sahm and I'm completely fine with it. She tired working after our son was born but hated it and walked away From a 70k product manager Job. The stress of the job, paying for daycare and only seeing him 1 hour in the morning and 2 hours in the evening and seeing me even less made the decision easy once we figured our lifestyle would remain fine. Trust me, we don't skimp that much. Nice house in a good place, 2 cars (albeit a 10yo Subaru and base Ford Escape) and having some fun trips a couple times a year. She says what she dislikes most is that she doesn't get a break from him the days I work and get home a 9:30

It all depends on your expectations and priorities -- The OP's first post made it sound like she's a bit of a princess. Daddy's a doctor, sister's married to a doctor, all SAHMs. That post made it sound like this is the type of life she envisions for herself too. I'd caution OP that if your GF wants to live like a doctor's wife, then she may not be all that happy married to someone who doesn't earn a doctor's income, and lots of spouses tend to take their own unhappiness and resentments out on their spouses and children. You don't want to go there --

But if she's comfortable living a more modest lifestyle, is reasonable in her financial expectations, and is willing to work part-time to contribute financially and not pout about not being able to spend her days playing tennis at the country club with her friends -- If she's realistic in her expectations and contributions, then sure - go for it.

But if she's not going to be happy with a middle-middle-class life but not willing to work herself for more money, then yeah - that's a problem.

 

[Pharmd = Phake Doctor]

Considering the average household income is ~50k, I'm sure a pharmacist can manage being the lone breadwinner. It just requires lowering your standard of living. I agree that a spouse should probably do something to contribute in her free time (when the children go to school or w/e), but it's still manageable otherwise.

Yeah. But a lot of these 50K households are struggling paycheck to paycheck. Doesn't sound like a fun existence. Plus pharmacy is too unstable to gamble it on a single person.

 

[confettiflyer]

I am very aware of that. But guess what? Cali as a whole is an expensive state. Maybe you can explain why former Californians keep flooding the state of Texas? Texan homes, on average, are way cheaper than homes in Cali. If you can show me an area in Cali where I can get bang for my buck, I'll be on the next flight.

We are? We sent 650,000 there last decade and took in 350,000 from Texas. Not exactly a flood.

I mean if home price is all you care about...move to Texas. Fewer people gumming up my commute!

I guess you can move to Fresno/Central Valley for super cheap housing, but I'd rather move to Texas at that point.


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[Deja]

We are? We sent 650,000 there last decade and took in 350,000 from Texas. Not exactly a flood.

I mean if home price is all you care about...move to Texas. Fewer people gumming up my commute!

I guess you can move to Fresno/Central Valley for super cheap housing, but I'd rather move to Texas at that point.


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i would say even fresno and central valley housing is more expensive than taxes and who wants to live at those places

 

[Fushi.tarazu]

I agreed with DokterMom said. She sounds like an entitled princess. If she is willing to make sacrifices and live below her mean, it can works assuming everything work out. If it doesn't and you have kids, you are liable for alot of child support and alimony.

Some people here are so off base with reality of what they were able to do before vs the current financial situation. Back then, you can afford alot of thing on one income. This including paying for college tuition with a part time job and affordable housing. Nowaday, graduates are facing increase student loan burden, no guarantee job security graduate or been in a job, over value housing, higher medical cost, and so on. There is a reason why the number of millennial who graduated from colleges and live with their parents are the highest in history. There is a reason why there is a decrease birth rate. People are also delaying marrying too. I know alot of people are delaying marrying because their significant other (usually guy) does not have a well pay stable job. The people that should be having kids aren't and the people on welfare are. Even with a mid 200k income, my wife and I don't feel like middle American.

 

[Carol is Alpha]

I agreed with DokterMom said. She sounds like an entitled princess. If she is willing to make sacrifices and live below her mean, it can works assuming everything work out. If it doesn't and you have kids, you are liable for alot of child support and alimony.

Some people here are so off base with reality of what they were able to do before vs the current financial situation. Back then, you can afford alot of thing on one income. This including paying for college tuition with a part time job and affordable housing. Nowaday, graduates are facing increase student loan burden, no guarantee job security graduate or been in a job, over value housing, higher medical cost, and so on. There is a reason why the number of millennial who graduated from colleges and live with their parents are the highest in history. There is a reason why there is a decrease birth rate. People are also delaying marrying too. I know alot of people are delaying marrying because their significant other (usually guy) does not have a well pay stable job. The people that should be having kids aren't and the people on welfare are. Even with a mid 200k income, my wife and I don't feel like middle American.

 

[awval999]

I agreed with DokterMom said. She sounds like an entitled princess. If she is willing to make sacrifices and live below her mean, it can works assuming everything work out. If it doesn't and you have kids, you are liable for alot of child support and alimony.

Some people here are so off base with reality of what they were able to do before vs the current financial situation. Back then, you can afford alot of thing on one income. This including paying for college tuition with a part time job and affordable housing. Nowaday, graduates are facing increase student loan burden, no guarantee job security graduate or been in a job, over value housing, higher medical cost, and so on. There is a reason why the number of millennial who graduated from colleges and live with their parents are the highest in history. There is a reason why there is a decrease birth rate. People are also delaying marrying too. I know alot of people are delaying marrying because their significant other (usually guy) does not have a well pay stable job. The people that should be having kids aren't and the people on welfare are. Even with a mid 200k income, my wife and I don't feel like middle American.

I don't even have words.

 

[wagrxm2000]

Seeing as my wife works I never responded to this thread since I find it pointless to be a SAHM.

I do have a question though that I don't think has been answered in this forum. What exactly are new grads buying these days that our salary can't cover? This is obviously a 40 hour pharmacist not a floater/part time. I understand buying a too expensive car or house but is that it? Is this just a California thing?

Even if my wife didn't work, we could still live the same lifestyle and my kids seem to have all the latest technology.

 

[owlegrad]

I am also interested in what a pharmacist can't afford. Maybe the reason 200k doesn't feel middle American is because it isn't...it is well above the norm.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G920A using SDN mobile

 

[Wickett]

Hey SDN Forums,

What are your thoughts/experiences with or being a stay at home parent?

I've been seriously dating a girl for about two years now and am seriously considering marriage, but she is very adamant on being a stay at home Mom. Although she has had a previous job in finance, she strongly dislikes the work. It also has to do with the fact that her father was a physician and was able to provide for her and two other sisters on one salary while her Mom stayed at home, and that her older sister also married a physician and is also staying at home with their two kids. Naturally she feels that a SAHM is her calling.

I see a lot of cons with being a SAHM:
What if I get laid off? It's a LOT of pressure being the sole breadwinner.

Retirement- I feel like to will be difficult, if not impossible, to raise a family and still save for retirement and college all on one salary. My parents were very lucky and I was able to graduate from pharmacy school with minimal debt, and I'd like to pass that along to my kids

What happens after the kids are old in enough for pre-school? It'll be difficult to find another similar job after you've been off the market for 2-3 years.

To be honest, I don't think I can support a whole family on one pharmacist salary in this day & age and it's definitely something we need to talk about before we move forward with anything more serious. She has stated that she'd be ok to work part-time while raising kids, but again difficult to find part-time jobs in her field.

I wanted to get your opinion or if you had any experiences with or being a stay at home parent.

6 figure salary and you alluded to not leaving pharmacy school with a ton of debt. If you can't raise an average family esp on a retail pharmacist salary, that's on you. Shut up.

 

[DokterMom]

Since when has 'more than average' been enough for people who want more? Money's an easy yardstick...

 

[wagrxm2000]

I am also interested in what a pharmacist can't afford. Maybe the reason 200k doesn't feel middle American is because it isn't...it is well above the norm.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G920A using SDN mobile

Notice no one answered.

 

[nervoushabits]

Dear OP,

I am a self titled "Sugar Momma". I'd be lying if I said things were easy being with someone who isn't working or making a similar income as you. It's not easy. It's really not. BUT if you truly love them, care about them, and think they are THE ONE, you'll make it work.

My fiancé makes less than a 1/3 of what I do. He has a college degree, but he's been completely shafted when it has come to the job market, so he settled for a job that's in a similar, although not exact, field as his degree. He has nice hours with options to work from home occasionally if he'd like to and evenings/weekends off.

Based on additional posts from you, I think you're getting yourself worked up over nothing. Your SO wants to work part time and is making $45k a year. Honestly, that's more than my fiancé makes at a full time job. I live in the suburbs, in a good school district, have a nice house, and am able to plan a wedding, travel extensively, make $1000 per month loan payments AND still have extra $$ in the bank on top of our regular mortgage payment, etc. My yearly income between my cushy clinic job and my PRN retail job is about $120k to $130k and we live in NY where it's not cheap.

Although we do not have children YET, we will have the ability to live comfortably when we do, with or without his income. If you're really worried about it, hold off on having kids for a few years after you get married - you can plan and save up as much money as you can before it happens. Pick up extra hours at work or get a second job and have her work full time for a year. Funnel all that extra cash into a savings account. We will be getting married next fall, but we already have an arrangement that we'll continue even when we have children. He is responsible for cleaning up the house and paying for his things, such as his student loans, his car payment, and his play money. As long as he can pay those, I have no problem with him being a SAHD - I actually encourage it.

I think the real question that you need to ask yourself is if you're okay with her being a SAHM. I know that when I think about it, sometimes it makes me a bit jealous and I wish I could be a stay at home parent.

Then I remember that children drive me crazy and I think I'd rather take on a million angry customers than someone who asks me "Why?" fifty times in 2 minutes multiple times a day. I can only say "because" so many times.

 

[Humble Sloth]

Hey SDN Forums,

What are your thoughts/experiences with or being a stay at home parent?

I've been seriously dating a girl for about two years now and am seriously considering marriage, but she is very adamant on being a stay at home Mom. Although she has had a previous job in finance, she strongly dislikes the work. It also has to do with the fact that her father was a physician and was able to provide for her and two other sisters on one salary while her Mom stayed at home, and that her older sister also married a physician and is also staying at home with their two kids. Naturally she feels that a SAHM is her calling.

I see a lot of cons with being a SAHM:
What if I get laid off? It's a LOT of pressure being the sole breadwinner.

Retirement- I feel like to will be difficult, if not impossible, to raise a family and still save for retirement and college all on one salary. My parents were very lucky and I was able to graduate from pharmacy school with minimal debt, and I'd like to pass that along to my kids

What happens after the kids are old in enough for pre-school? It'll be difficult to find another similar job after you've been off the market for 2-3 years.

To be honest, I don't think I can support a whole family on one pharmacist salary in this day & age and it's definitely something we need to talk about before we move forward with anything more serious. She has stated that she'd be ok to work part-time while raising kids, but again difficult to find part-time jobs in her field.

I wanted to get your opinion or if you had any experiences with or being a stay at home parent.

It's a huge red flag. Anyone not wanting to work is a sign of laziness and that is before you get married! It will only get worse after that. You can find high school girls to watch your children for dirt cheap. There is no excuse not to work. It's difficult to find a good job after 6 months off the market. That kinda gap is extremely transparent to employees. If you want work-life balance move to Europe.

 

[PumpkinSmasher]

My partner and I are in middle of discussing this right now.

-We both agree that I should work but not sure if I should reduce to part time. Financially it makes more sense to have me work fulltime and hire a nanny/daycare but the decision is not all about financials...
-I agree with the above posters inregards to sometimes it can be difficult with a large income disparity between partners. I make less than a 1/3rd of my wife's salary. I always knew she would make more than me and we are both fine with it, I do not define my self worth/confidence in my salary. There are times when I run into comments about "me not being the primary breadwinner, being the male", I just shake it off and just say I am proud of my wife.

In the end you have to do what is right for your family. There are definite benefits of having one partner be home but I also feel that it would be very isolating. Part time makes the most sense to me, if your job allows it and financials work....We are still deciding on what to do.

 

[Auriel619]

Hey just wanted to pop in here and provide an update.

Thank you everyone who weighed in, I read all your comments and appreciate y'all taking the time to share your thoughts. Unfortunately she and I are no longer together, mostly due to this & the religious differences that we had. We just weren't compatible on this front. Prior to going into this relationship, I always thought we could work through whatever issues and that I had no hard & fast "dealbreakers" but definitely learned a lot from this relationship.

Plus she ended up going back to her ex, so there's that.

Time to dive back into this dating pool again =(

Side note, any of you guys have good experiences doing the whole online dating thing?

 

[Momus]

Hey just wanted to pop in here and provide an update.

Thank you everyone who weighed in, I read all your comments and appreciate y'all taking the time to share your thoughts. Unfortunately she and I are no longer together, mostly due to this & the religious differences that we had. We just weren't compatible on this front.

Plus she ended up going back to her ex, so there's that.

Time to dive back into this dating pool again.

Celebrate. You just avoid the biggest mistake of your life.

 

[Xeal0007]

Are you people all taking acid. These are just about the most unbelievable statements I have heard in a long time.

I graduated in 1982 with a salary of $29,200.00 per year. According to the BLS calculator that salary in 2016 dollars is $72,522.12. I have a nice house, I live in a nice neighborhood with nice schools. I was able to raise two children. We were not rich. We did not take lavish vacations. We had a good life. It was solidly middle class. Now, I am making over $175,000.00 year. I am saving money and living a great life. It is an upper middle class lifestyle. You can definitely support you family of four on a salary of $120,000.00 per year and anyone who says you can't seriously needs some mental health assistance.

What it all boils down to is this. If you love this woman and she loves you, you can be happy whatever your income level as long as you live within your means. It will be way better for your children if one of you stays home with your children until they a ready for school. You and your bride should have a full and frank discussion about these issues so you are both walking into this marriage with a full understanding of what your financial situation will be. You can live well and be happy on $120,000.00 per year. Money does not equal happiness......[/QUOTE]


wonderfully put

 

[rph3664]

Hey just wanted to pop in here and provide an update.

Thank you everyone who weighed in, I read all your comments and appreciate y'all taking the time to share your thoughts. Unfortunately she and I are no longer together, mostly due to this & the religious differences that we had. We just weren't compatible on this front. Prior to going into this relationship, I always thought we could work through whatever issues and that I had no hard & fast "dealbreakers" but definitely learned a lot from this relationship.

Plus she ended up going back to her ex, so there's that.

Time to dive back into this dating pool again =(

Side note, any of you guys have good experiences doing the whole online dating thing?

I recently found out that the one man I have thought I would marry is single again, after 19 years of marriage and 2 kids. (His ex lives a few blocks away, and they're on each other's Facebook friends list, so it sounds like it was amicable.) We broke up in large part because we didn't have as much in common as we initially thought we did, and one of those things was our viewpoint about having children; he wanted them and I never did.

If this person is not the right one for you, you are best not being together any more. I have not done online dating but know people who have, with varying results. Doesn't hurt to try, if you're interested.

 

[lord999]

For me, it's like this. Life isn't fair for women. (It isn't fair for men either, but this aspect kind of evens out when you get older as I think some of you have figured out with better dating prospects and promotions.)

Finance and marketing are careers that if you are a woman, you have to hit the job hard early. If a woman chooses to spend that early career time not working in the career as the opt-out generation, well, it becomes hard for you to opt in again ESPECIALLY for business careers. I'm not going to go into the reasons that are better written up below:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/m...ration-wants-back-in.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

So, I'd be a little bit more patient and not dump her yet as opposed to some of the other comments. Here's what I'd suggest.

Why don't you set up a bank account that puts in 2/3's of your takehome alone (consider the 1/3 a charitable amount that you'd spend on Junior). Here's the trick, make your lifestyles work for six months (including over the holidays) without going into debt. Can you both tolerate that? Great, then the only two questions are whether she'd be ok being in the opt-out generation and that you are now personally responsible for the fact that she gave the best years of her life to you to raise your children and tend your house. That might not actually be the way it works, but that's what the family court judge will hear if this turns out to be a remorseful decision.

My wife has that sort of argument with me although I'm the one who is to stay at home while she works. She's even figured out that if we divorce, what our non-community assets are already would pay the alimony for the rest of my natural life as an annuity. We settled the argument with a compromise where she'd hire a domestic servant (as in legally with a Schedule H added to our tax returns) and if she wants to put aside $4M for the matter, we'll discuss it again seriously. She's almost there and I think will be after this year with some of the case payouts coming into her firm. Then, it'll be interesting as the money argument is off the table.

Like the others, I don't think so yet in your case. See if you can live within your and only your means without resentment and strife as when she does stop working, it's quite permanent for that area of employment. I agree with Old Timer that $120k is more than enough to raise two children (my LDS friends put 6 through college in all professional capabilities making less). But, $120 affords a middle-class lifestyle. We spoiled Millenials think that getting to baseball games and fine dining and occasional trips is middle class when it's really not. But to earn anything gives you an appreciation for money that you can't earn any other way.

I'd also comment that the sociology is different now than before. Can you both really live that sort of "traditional" nuclear family lifestyle when it didn't work for the Boomers and X'ers? Maybe, you'll be the exception, but it does mean real work and more trust that we usually give relationships in this age. Do you really fundamentally trust her to trust yourself to be the breadwinner?

 

[Deja]

Hey just wanted to pop in here and provide an update.

Thank you everyone who weighed in, I read all your comments and appreciate y'all taking the time to share your thoughts. Unfortunately she and I are no longer together, mostly due to this & the religious differences that we had. We just weren't compatible on this front. Prior to going into this relationship, I always thought we could work through whatever issues and that I had no hard & fast "dealbreakers" but definitely learned a lot from this relationship.

Plus she ended up going back to her ex, so there's that.

Time to dive back into this dating pool again =(

Side note, any of you guys have good experiences doing the whole online dating thing?

if you have a decent profile with online dating , you never have to go out and meet girls ever again lol even in sf where there are more guys than girls haha

 

[rph3664]

Lord999, Auriel said she went back to a previous boyfriend in the meantime. It's over, and this isn't the only reason why. MHO, of course.